I edited a student newspaper last year,
and we ran a story about a second year kid who bought a laptop off two wideboys in a pub. They showed him the laptop, let him check it worked - very nice too, blatantly nicked but an absolute steal at £400 - then drove him to the bank, gave him the goods in exhange for the cash, and drove off.

When the kid opened the bag to gaze lovingly at his new purchase, he couldn't help noticing there'd been a bit of a crafty switcheroo. The 'goods' had somehow become two bottles of lemonade Sellotaped together.

Cresta lemonade.

That's two hundred pounds a bottle.

RRP 39p.

Understandably, he wasn't best pleased...but the best part was when he got home, and discovered the wideboys had actually drunk the lemonade and just re-filled the bottles with water.
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 17:23, Reply)

Nappy Rash!
Dr Shnauss?? Is almost right. It's juice off chippy peas poured over your chips. Hence the wet! It's pronounced PEY WET if you ever want it OOP North. :-)
( Evil Bastardo, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 17:04, Reply)

Bedlam
After a fairly spectacular drunken binge the night before I emerged into Glasgow at the drunk/hungover nexus, smelling quite bad as I had the misfortune to throw up over my clothes which had been washed twice in an unsuccesful attempt to remove the smell. So, damp and odorous I walk through town to the bus station I am asked by one of the many people on the street with clipboards if I had ever gone paintballing before.

He didn't really need to be very persuasive to get the £50 off me. Whilst also lying through his teeth by saying that I wouldn't need to make anymore payments after that. Never went in the end, still have the tickets if anyone wants them.

Oh and once I got home and went on ebay and thought it'd be a good idea to buy a 7" vinyl copy of 'I am the one and only'.

When you are drunk, stick to theft.
(thePontificator, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 17:01, Reply)

Evil Ebay
Drunkenly won an Auction for a Trombone on ebay.
The seller was not best pleased when I explained that I didn't know how to play the Trombone, or that I didn't actually have £200 to pay for one.
However the bad feedback acted as a good lesson, never to Drink and Ebay.
PS-Sorry I technically didn't buy this, but that would have taken prolonged drunken disregard.
(Wiffle, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:56, Reply)

drunk + online shopping...
= 40 goats.

After I sobered up and found the emailed receipts for said goats, I didn't know what to do with them.

So I got drunk again and arranged for them to be sent to a well known British band.

Which earned me coverage on the front of the Guardian, featuring a quote from a very drunken me, saying "I want to populate the world with my goats".
(cookiemonster, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:55, Reply)

hmmmm...
70 quid for some crap cocaine in one of those east london open-at-5-in-the-morning pubs

the whole pub was shouting at me telling me it was brick dust

i even complained to the bouncers about how bad it was.

i also bought 20 drops of liquid acid at a party when i only wanted one and ended up spilling most of it down my arm and liking it off without thinking. oooops!

i wonder if there might be a pattern forming?
(lordfredatron lordfredatron, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:50, Reply)

After a night on the absinthe...
...I was in awoken at 5.00am by an irate Philipino 'lady of the night' who had been banging on my hotel room screaming blue murder. I told her to fuck off and that there had been some mistake.
I fell back on my bed and noticed a jazz mag opened to a page with a number for 'hot wet asian bitches' and that my phone had dialed that number. Oops.
Feeling really bad about the situation - and as a way of cheering her up - I called her to apologize and invited her back to suck me off. (I am not sure if she did return as I fell asleep again for another twelve hours.)
(DrTugnut, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:46, Reply)

Cheese flavoured corn snacks,
Aka Wotsits, I once bought a six pack of cheesy wotsits just because the kebab shop was shut (probably by environmental health) and they were on a 2 for 1 offer in the 24 hour garage.

I spent the next day trying to work out why I had minging orange cheese smelling fingers.

I also once bought a huge doughnut from the 24 hour bagel king on Walworth road near elephant and castle, and left it in my fridge, when I woke up looking for a drink in the morning, the doughnut was all that could be seen in the fridge, naturally I ate it and proceeded to vomit like a stunt double from the ibiza uncovered.
(Mr Neil, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:42, Reply)

Apart from more alcohol.....
cheap champagne
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:31, Reply)

bear trappers hat,
bear trappers hat,

Not sure, somewhere north of here... best take this off board or p*ss people off ;o) [email protected]
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:26, Reply)

performa my arse
yeah, i'm sure these rubbers "for increased performance" are a good idea in some cases.

but when you haven't been paying attention to your pissed pub bog vending selection and suddenly your knob goes cold, numb and generally dead feeling at the point of entry...

fucking terrifying i tells ye.
(lordfredatron lordfredatron, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:17, Reply)

Shopping for Holiday Clothes
Well a week before I was going to go on holiday I realised I needed some summer clothes so I went shopping with a mate. We went striaght to the pub at 12 o'clock and 5 hours later I hadnt done any shopping. Realising the time I quickly jumped up and ran to shops before they closed. £300 later I woke up with a day glow green cycling top a £50 desinger vest & bizzaire see through jeans just to name a few. I think the they saw me coming and took me for all I had. I still have all the stuff in their oringal packaging because I keep them as a reminder to shop first & drink later !!!!!!
(Sharmster, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:14, Reply)

After a recent boozing frenzy
I went about my normal life for a week or so. Got home from work one day to find one of those "Your Postman called today..." cards telling me there was a parcel they needed a signature for. Picked up package and took it home. Upon opening it, imagine my surprise when I discovered it contained a couple of DVDs filled with Eastern European lovlies (The filthy little minxes) and a second, smaller box. Slightly puzzled by this one (the DVDs weren't that much of a surprise to be honest), I opened it to find a latex, "real feel" device, modelled on some porn slattern's naughty bits, complete with a sachet of lube. It's see through too so you can see what's going on.
(Freakish, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:11, Reply)

Chilli sauce?
Not so much the fact that I bought a thoroughly filthy dog's nob kebab, more the fact that while I was standing there telling the guy my chilli sauce requirements I had my cock out and was calmy, hands free, hosing down the front of his van with 6 pints of premium french lager, all the time cracking up laughing as I texted my mate to tell him just what a grubby little so and so I am.

Got away with it too- I hate to think about the larraping I would have (quite rightly) got if him or his mate had caught me.
(this is a shit username, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 16:09, Reply)

Show me the way to go home
After getting extremly trashed and finding great difficulty in navigatin my way home a sudden onset of fear came over me. If I found it hard when I was normally trashed to find my house how on earth am I going to find my tent at glasto!!!! I woke up in the morning with a sudden fear that I did somthing bad the night before... After finding my credit card by my PC quickly checked my email account to see what I purchased. I was expecting a lantern maybe a GPS system at the worst but what I saw made my jaw drop. I am now the proud owner of 500 glow sticks!!!! From space the only man made things you can see clearly is the great wall of china and my tent at glasto.
(w00die Muffin the Mule is not a crime..., Fri 10 Jun 2005, 15:38, Reply)

a 1985 B-reg Volkswagen Scirocco
£160, all shits and giggles really. Sounds like a doodlebug.
(Colostomy Bag Explosion Lubing the gears of commercialism, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 15:34, Reply)

Free Things
I went to visit a mate who at the time was at Warwick University. Now as you all well know drinks are nice and cheap in studentville areas. In the bar we went to, if you bought 6 smirnoff Ice's (horible girlie drinks) you get a free mini radio. Now both of us wanted one of these so we went to the bar and bought 12 bottles of alco shit (we were pretty pissed at the time wanting SHIT radios).

So 12 bottles we are both having a bit of sick and both lose our quality radios. Oh the days. Did manage to snog some 18 year old though. Bonus.
(Robble, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 15:32, Reply)

Just returned
From shopping in town (drunk) I have 2 new shirts and 1 T-shirt (bought from the most expensive "Nathan Barley" type shop in town) a pair of hideous pink and black Etnies trainers and a £400 synthesizer. Dreading the credit card bill...
(doowaz, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 15:21, Reply)

4 jack daniels
(only got 3 cause i dropped one)
Just to get a free t-shirt. Still drank it, fucking hate that stuff
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 15:21, Reply)

Food
Food.

I regularly go out, get hammered drunk, and buy up to twenty quids worth of food from the chipper, which I intend consuming. The sodden greasy bag stares back into my soul every Saturday morning. :-(

Also: Reams of pornography from Tower. The thing that makes it have no point is, all the 'nography is sanitised and cut to hell, but I still buy it.

I don't buy self loathing, but it if it was wrapped in grease or a pair of tits, I probably would.
(Swandive, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 15:16, Reply)

Well
not me, but hey, it amused me lots. On a birthday pub crawl for one of my mates (on which 3 people turned up, one being him, one being me, one being a random alcoholic friend) we decided it would be better if we just all got a double vodka and coke from the pubs we went to, one or two of those in each pub and we'd be nicely fucked. First pub, 2 double odkas each, second pub, i buy both rounds as there's an offer on, ends up costing me around £10 for 6 double odka and cokes. Random alcoholic mate agrees to buy 2 rounds at next pub. We stagger in there, it's a hotel pub thing, but still open to the general public.

True to his word, mate steps up to buy the first round, birthday boy decides he doesn't want any more to drink for a while so it's just 2 double vodka and cokes. think how much they cost in your area....

13 fucking quid. For 2 drinks. fucking joke. Plus, after they'd safely pocketed mate's money, they then have the audacity to ID us. Thankfully we all had it on us, otherwise the cunts would have made £13 for doing absolutely nothing. We decided against a second round.

We just went to the local corner shop, bought 3 cheap bottles of vodka, 2 bottles of coke and a big bag of crisps then headed to the beach.

2am after smashing 2 of the bottles of vodka, we got a lift home with an extremely pissed off parent.

Some lucky tramp probably picked up the 10 or so packs of crisps and half drank bottle of vodka.
(mrcheese989, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 14:25, Reply)

FAO Brin
The 'Dave' you say bought a bouncy castle, I think I know him (or at least I know a Dave who did such a thing, and he is a pisshead)

Does he live in the Wednesfield area ???
(bear trappers hat, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 14:22, Reply)

I was drunk and bought...
..... a ruddy stupid teddy bear which sang Elvis Presleys 'Teddy Bear', the next day I threw it on to a dual carriageway coz it wouldn't shut up....
(Daytona Dude, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 14:19, Reply)

Dubious purchases all round...
After a copious amount of Stella consumed in front of the Ryder Cup, my mates and I decided to tackle Loughborough Saturday market.

The end result was two skateboards with wheels that didn't turn freely, a giant St George's cross flag, a portable seat and an Africa kofia hat, which one of my mates wore staggering down the street singing 'Free Nelson Mandella !'
(DrGonzo, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 14:18, Reply)

My Head Hurts
I woke up this morning (1.35pm) with a yellow pages and a teleohone and my credit card in my hand. Im a bit worried
(StrangeKristine, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 14:15, Reply)

Another 'not me, but a friend'
Who I shall refer to as Dave, for 'tis his name bought a small bouncy castle for the kids to use in the garden off eBay. At least he thought it was small. It was a full size job that when fully inflated took up the whole of the garden, fence to fence... I *hope* he was drunk at the time...
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 14:07, Reply)

DrSchnauss:
ah!

ta.
(nappy rash, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 13:44, Reply)

nappy rash
pea wet = mushy peas
( -:Coop:-, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 13:42, Reply)