YOUR aall GREAAT
clik "ilik tis" and i lvoeyouuoDD:D:D
(abignumber, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 19:33, Reply)

I failed at life
im a 8 year old alcoholic with a heroin addiction. MY parents have taken away my train set. Click "i like this" and i get no food.
(abignumber, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 18:59, Reply)

Failed
Driving test: Three times
A module in AS-History named 'Henry VII and Some Shit' (well, maybe a D isn't failing...too badly)

Otherwise I'm a genius. Really.
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 18:58, Reply)

Best
I fail to get anyone to click "I Like This"
(loquis, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 18:21, Reply)

Spelling in front of 2,700 people!
There's a show call The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee which wowed Broadway and is now on its first national tour of the States.
Being the theater whore I am, I went to see it last week. As you go in, they ask you a bunch of questions, and then pick 4 people from the audience to be part of the show. I was one of the 4 picked (based on my dynamic personality and English accent).

The premise is that the 4 audience members participate in the Spelling Bee that is part of the show, and you actually have to spell in front of the 2,700 seater audience (and it was sold out that night!).

I spelt my first word right, but failed miserably to spell 'kinika' which is apparently some kind of Indian drinking cup.

Thank fuck I wasn't the first one off the stage though, 'cos that would have been really embarrassing.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 17:55, Reply)

pub machines
higher or lower than eleven for the jackpot

easy


shit


twelve


Failed
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 17:24, Reply)

Two-nil
After an unexpected eviction from somewhere I was quite settled and happy, I was quickly given a new home. The place was a bit of a state, totally uncared for, and the previous occupant must have been hard as nails, but I tried to make a go of it, I really did.
Thinking about it, I'm a bit miffed at the bastard who thought it'd be a good place for me to go, I really deserved better and plenty of people would have been pleased to see me.

Anyway, after a short time I realised myself and my new residence were totally incompatible, to be honest I don't find anything clever about going out and getting rat-arsed on wine so soon after a new tenant is installed, but there you go. I tried complaining, but was ignored.

So, fuck it, I failed.

Yes, I was George Best's new liver.



Sorry, Saturday afternoon, bored and all that....
(Rsoles, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 17:16, Reply)

GCSE Food Technology
Well, after three years I couldn't thread up a sewing machine, and I'd once managed to grab the hot end of a soldering iron, so textiles and product design were out of the question.
I wish I'd taken product design and risked burning my fingers on a regular basis.
I submitted no coursework, turned up to the exam stoned, wrote 'only Smarties have the answer' repeatedly (quite the wit at 16, you see), wrote 'Eat Me' on top of a cheesecake in chocolate and spent the rest of the time colouring in.
How I got an E and not a U is beyond me. I think the school might have lied about the existence of my coursework.

When I was about eight I failed to give up butter for Lent. I don't even like butter.

I constantly fail to not spend money on things I don't need. Fucksocks.
(and now for someone completely different, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 17:05, Reply)

Not actually sure if I failed or not
After spending a year of pointlessly working on coursework towards our GCSE IT the school decided it would be a good idea to change the course requireing us to do the new 2 year course in a single year.

Out of boredom, one lesson I decided that subliminal Nazi messages would help pass the time and subsiquently forget leading to my final coursework being submitted containing brief frames of hitler and swasticas every so often.

When I went in to collect the results I was told I had managed to get a glorius U (bearing in mind I was generally accepted as being the best with computers in the school, ahead of most of the teachers) although my official certificates included a "pass with merit" for the course in question, I'm not sure where the results got muddled up but someone somewhare may have recieved the marks for my nazi contaminated coursework where I got their pass.
(madsporkmurderer, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 16:52, Reply)

A guy I used to work with...
failed at protecting his computer from a hacker. If anything he'd actually warned the hacker not to bother as he had feck all on his comp other than 3 firewalls and Quake 3 installed on there at the time, but the hacker continued. Most probs because the way he warned him was to leave a notepad message on the hacker's desktop saying "Fuck off, I've got nout!". That's it, just wind up the fecker.

The hacker carried on regardless, and eventually after 3 days got into me mate's comp, and found funnily enough fuck all. In a fit of nerdy rage, he went into the bios remotely and changed the polarity of the hard-drive, burning it out completely and almost taking the rest of the comp with it.

So, ex-work collegue had no hard-drive and had to buy a new one which ended up setting him back at the time a cool £130 (but it was a biggie).

But just before the burnout occured.....he'd printed off every detail of the hacker's attempts before the burnout, and even found out the guy's ip, street name and email address on the comp....oops, happened to be in the UK also. A quick glance in the phonebook and a small bit of deduction and he'd found the guy's name, full address and telephone number.

Apparently he took a day trip upto this guy's house in Devon somewhere and proceeded to beat the living shit out of him, finishing off with a baseball bat pc upgrade. Guess you shouldn't hack off the wrong people.

EDIT : yes, I personally don't know what the fuck I was typing about that "polarity" bollocks either; whatever the hacker did it did result in the motherboard burning the hard drive out though, which was the end result.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 16:49, Reply)

My friend fails at keeping pets.
His hamster just committed suicide by forcing its head through the bars of the cage until it blocked his wind pipe.

Oh how we laughed.
( TIAL Four capital letters, written in gold., Sat 6 Jan 2007, 15:59, Reply)

failed a useless ancient language
I failed Latin at school, after deciding that it was a total waste of fucking time.
Only once has my 2 years of study of the language been useful , and that was in negligence law, another mind numbing course I had to take.
Rumex pro tractus.
(murphrich, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 15:24, Reply)

Failure
My name is Freddy Flintoff.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 14:29, Reply)

Also my driving test
Twice. And I still haven't passed.
( Mrs Trouser is probably annoying Dave just by being here on, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 14:27, Reply)

Oh Bugger
Last night I failed to check what was in my laundry basket and put my digital camera through a 40 degree cycle in the washing machine. it's now utterly fucked, but does have that lovely fresh linen smell to it.
( gypsy turnips, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 14:23, Reply)

I've got 7 weeks left b4 I become a parent
I live in a one bedroom flat which I currently can't get out of, a loan overpayment (by 2.5 times) which I had to fight for just to get what was mine back (overpaid £350 by "accident"), damp which is going to get enviromental health up to us as it's taken over the entire premesis, and I've not had a good night's sleep since November.

Not bad for someone who had high hopes and top grades when leaving school, eh?

Failure? Fuck it all :D

This is a real fucking morbid QOTW by the way, next week; Cot Death.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 13:45, Reply)

My HNC at College
I took an HNC in IT at college to waste a year before going to university (I'd done 5 highers but was still only 16 and the thought of being IDed in the union depressed me).

Halfway through the course I got 5 unconditional offers from universities, but was it that which made me stop trying in college?

No... as a 16 year old girl still discovering her sexuality, I started becoming obsessed with my Norwegian teacher. She was dark-haired and wore sexy little boots, with the pointiest boobies imaginable. When she started having her female 'friend'* come into classes, and then sneaking off with her halfway through, it was too much. I took extra Norwegian courses instead of doing my IT work, and spent most of my IT classes daydreaming about her perkiness and sneaking to the toilets to masturbate.

Of course, I failed to pass 3 of my IT modules. I also failed to realise that I was rubbish at Norwegian, so I failed that too, which failed to impress my sexy teacher.

*Probably was just a friend, but in my fantasies she was the bottom
( IFallDownALotThud, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 13:38, Reply)

This isn't good
I'm seeing all these failures on here, and I'm taking my driving theory in a couple of weeks... eep! Hopefully I'll use this to learn some lessons. Right, failures.

The time I failed to turn the bathroom taps off. It started off normally enough, by running a bath. Trouble is, I received a phone call, and completely forgot about the bath. When I got off the phone and realised that the bath was still running, one "oh shit" moment later, I realised that the whole bathroom was flooded. The carpet was soaking. And where does water generally flow? Down, into the flat below. It was completely destroyed, and I'm still surprised to this day that house insurance covers acts of forgetful teenagers.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 6 Jan 2007, 13:21, Reply)

I wrote Torchwood
I win.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 13:19, Reply)

life
I just crashed my fucking car today...
(shutupanddance xylophone buggery, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 13:01, Reply)

A level
English Lit (mock), 1987. We did Richard II (Shakespeare, dull as ditch water). I got a "c" in the real thing, but in the mock I got a "u". The question was something like "Discuss the various aspects of John of Gaunt's character" - a invitation to pop an adverb into the sentence "JoG is___, we know this because in Act_, Scene_ he says "(insert tenuous quote)".

My answer was well structured (intro, main body, summary) but only made 1 point (which I summarised concisely).

Apologies for length
(kitescreech still here, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 13:00, Reply)

Building Bridges
As part of my GCSE Physics course we were given an exercise where we were given a stack of A4 paper, and we had to build the bridge that would support the heaviest weight. The class was divided up into groups of 3 to 4 pupils.

We had about two hours to prepare for this. The other students researched types of historical bridges, and read about tension and support etc. We just did what anybody would have done with an exciting stack of A4 paper, made paper aeroplanes and stupid origami figures.

Then it came to making the bridge. I was leader, and my great idea would be to make the biggest, heaviest log of rolled-up paper imaginable using absolutely no scientific knowledge. We made this giant railway sleeper of a bridge, like something a scotsman would throw in a field. Then we decorated it with slogans like "SUPER BRIDGE" and "MEGA LOG".

The other kids in my class had made these intricate models of historical bridges. Arches, suspension bridges. Rich kids, their parents were probably architects. Anyway, we tested each bridge in turn and our team ended up being the winner. No other bridge could come close.

Ahhh, so where's the Failure bit you may ask. The girl that I fancied at the time, her name was Louise, her group had made one of the most intricate bridges. After the test was complete the teacher said something like "you can get rid of the bridges now". In hindsight I think he meant put them to the side of the class, not smash them to bits...

But I had won, and felt quite headstrong, and wanted to show off to Louise and the rest of the class. I also assumed we'd never need these bridges again for anything. For some reason, and Im still not sure why, I picked up MEGA LOG and brought it crashing down on her intricate suspension bridge, smashing it to papery pieces.

We were disqualified, and I was given a 2000 word essay on Ghandi and non-violence to write before the next science lesson.
(borovan, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 12:58, Reply)

my second attempt at a driving test
my first attempt went relatively well, i only failed on hitting the curb whilst doing a point turn in an exceptionally narrow road. rather harsh i thought, so quite confidently booked my second attempt
all was going smoothly until i approached a mini roundabout and for some reason went into a panic
i came off the roundabout onto the pavement instead of the road, oops, fortunately no pedestrians were in my way, so i merely steered back onto the road. Sadly i overcompensated slightly and swerved onto the wrong side of the road, at which point my examiner had to grab the steering wheel to prevent a collision with oncoming traffic.
some 5 minutes later i yet again managed to nearly kill someone as my exminer had to take my indicator off half a mile after i should of, as someone was about to turn in front of me assuming i was also turning.
i'm not sure if i'm more concerned by the fact my test wasnt stopped in the intrests of public safety, or by the fact that i so nearly could have passed the first time....
my personal favourite point however, is the fact htat i didnt get a major for my excursion onto the pavement, as there were no pedestrians in my way.... concerning....
(skankgirl, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 12:32, Reply)

I failed to find a vocation in life
so I work in IT.

I see people who actually do the job they've always dreamed of and I do think "You lucky cunt". Nothing's worse than moping around in an office being shouted at by twatty OAPS who aint got much better to do.

Still, I could have become an MP, so there is a bright side.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 12:27, Reply)

General Studies A-level
Most people who have taken A levels will know that colleges are particulary keen on making students do a general studies A level, partly due to the fact the governemt gives them money to do this.
Its not hard, but it is absolutely pointless because most universitys will not consider it when you apply.
I took the general exam seriously in my first year (by seriously I mean I turned up for the exam and wrote proper answers).
In the second year there were two general studies exams:
The first one I remember writing how boxers deserved to get the shit kicked out of them, how shit big blocks of council flats are and also ranted about how useless smart cars are. These answers included quite a bit of swearing and also a little note to the examiner apologising for how crap the exam was and also how 'I didnt give a shit'.
Second exam was on the same day as my Chemistry exam. I just didnt show up, your suppose to get a fine for not showing up but somehow I didnt.

I ended up with a 'U' (fail) but somehow I managed to gain 2 points on the one I did sit.

I also failed a maths unit at university, I only needed 40% to pass- I got 38%.
(purplefairy, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 12:25, Reply)

Oopsy
I failed to keep hold of my girlfriend.

It is some consolation knowing the fall from the Humber Bridge is thought to be quite exhilarating, however.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 12:23, Reply)

My flatmate
Once wrote an essay on Gibbon's Sunset Song (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunset_Song, click and read the summary if you're not familiar with it) which began "Chris Guthrie is the son of..."

He also wrote his English Lit exam on a book he'd made up... and got a 'C'.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 11:54, Reply)

GCSE Film Studies
I was one of the few people in the UK to take this exam back in '88. The course was developed by our teacher, Mr Chambers: a balding pervert with green rings of fungoid perspiration under his arms.

It soon transpired that every retard in the school had taken this subject in order to watch films and do no work. I spent most of each lesson dodging missiles from the troglodytes on the back row, most of whom had been expelled by the time of the exam.

I decided to fail the exam on purpose (needing only six out of nine passes to go to do A' levels). One of the questions required me to describe a film which exemplified a genre.

My choice was "Out of the Closet", a circus film starring John Wayne as the camp trapeze artist with a yearning to be a woman. Clint Eastwood was his boyfriend and the director was Sam Peckinpah. It was a musical ... in black and white ... filmed as one 2-hour tracking shot ... from a hot air balloon ... on location in Slough. Liz Taylor, playing a lezza serial killer with green hair and Tourettes, was beheaded at the end.

I didn't fail. I got a G. It's on my certificate.
(frankspencer, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 11:25, Reply)

The Mathematics Olympiad
Yeah - read that title... the mathematics olympiad...

I'm not ashamed, trust me. My school was full of geeks and the chosen few (the top set in maths - which inexplicably contained my good self) had to sit this mini exam thing during a lunch hour.

During this time I was a lot more interested in going to the park and smoking and chatting up girls than doing maths exams 'for fun', so I raced through this exam as fast as possible.

It later transpired that if you got a question wrong, you would get minus points, so you should only attepmt the questions that you can definitely do. In my rush to get to the park, i skipped that part of the instructions, and managed to get a negative score.

I would have done better if I'd handed in a blank answer sheet.

Luckily my maths teacher at the time was quite a nice bloke and he saw the funny side. He was completely incomprehensible though as he was from Ulster - a bit like Ian Paisley but less shouty.
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 11:03, Reply)