Facebook
When I upload photos of me and my friends to Facebook, I Photoshop my friends very slightly to make them look a bit fat.
(Tricksy, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 18:26, Reply)

I hate my best friend...
I used to like her, but I dont now, I think she hates me too. Why we don't tell each other remains a mystery, but recently, she didn't buy me a birthday present, so i haven't bought her one either.

And the silent war goes on...
(ladyflash Formally known as "oshi_", Fri 31 Aug 2007, 18:24, Reply)

I left my pregnant girlfriend...
My girlfriend at the time, a long time ago, was up the duff with twins. Wooyay! thinks I at the thought of the patter of tiny feet.

Sadly it was not to be. It turns out she was into my best mate, Ben who was always around my house back then. Understandably upset I did the only thing that seemed sensible to me at that age (early 20s): I left her and tried to find a new life with a religious cult who made me change my name...wankers.

Years pass as they do.

Not so long ago, some lads appear at my house and try smashing it up. I go after them but they run off. Later, I find out that one of the little bastards is my son who has fallen in with a bad crowd so I go and see him to patch things up. He is rightfully pissed at the way I treated him and we end up having a BIG bust up and he leaves me again.

It turns out Ben, the guy who was into my ex-missus, had told him I was dead so Me turning up was something of a surprise to him and turned him nearly suicidal.

I was pretty down about him hating me so much so I went back to my cult guys and they told me to try to bring him into the fold so to speak. I finally got him to come for a few days but we ended up having another even bigger bust up.

Turns out I was the arsehole in this as the Cult Leader tried attacking my boy during the bust up so I got a few in on him and we left sharpish.

Long story short, We patched it up but I feel very guilty about both leaving my preggers gf and not telling my kids I was their dad. My son was fine and the daughter was okay about it after a bit and forgave me for what I did.

Great kids, really.

D. Vader
(71 hour Ahmed wasn't working at, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 18:14, Reply)

Oh god I have loads.
Hmmmm fingering an overweight lesbian in the doorway next to my usual nightclub.

Yes I am male.

Yes I did enjoy it. Lol.
(elfinpunk Touching Cloth Since, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 18:09, Reply)

Night out in Paris
About ten years ago me and a couple of mates decided to go to Paris for the weekend. As you do. Being only fairly young we decided that renting a moped was the way to go about things. Much silliness occured.

Anyway on the way back to our hotel I see a rather expensive looking black Mercedes-Benz. Being of humble origin I decide to take a photo of said car just as we entered a tunnel. The flash was a bit vigourous and caused the Merc to swerve and clip a Fiat, the Merc then hit the central reservation making a bit of a mess. So apologies if it was your Merc. Still I doubt anyone still goes on about it, after all it was only an accident.



Length about 14ft before the bump about 7ft after it.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 18:01, Reply)

A dog's dinner...
Back when I was a teenager, my mum used to put an unnerving amount of trust in me when she went away, even allowing me to have parties as long as no one took drugs and the house didn’t get trashed.

So one weekend when mum was on a course, I invited some mate round for drinks, pizzas and videos. One of my friends thought it would be hilarious to invite pretty much everyone in the local underage friendly drinking hole. Carnage ensued.

I spent the next hour getting more and more hysterical as the level of desecration of the house grew – there was wine everywhere, a mirrored door got broken and there were burns in the carpet. But the final straw came after one guy left a glass on the floor which I stood on, cutting a neat hole in the sole of my foot. I retreated to the kitchen in tears to deal with the pizzas that I’d put in the oven in the naïve hope that they’d go some way to sobering people up. As I was taking them out of the oven, the same guy ran into the kitchen, knocked into me and pushed my hand into the roasting hot oven. This caused me to drop the pizza, upside down into the dog’s basket. The elderly dog, I should add, with a nasty case of eczema and an incontinence problem.

What to do? There’s a bunch of drunken lairy wankers in the next room clamouring for food. The food is in the dog’s basket. So…

I scooped up the topping, making sure to scoop up some of the bits of skin and doggy detritus with it and put it on the tomato base. A bit of extra cheese and seasoning and voila, dinner is served.

So for the last 15 years I have been carrying around the secret that, Matthew, for starters, you’re a twat, for main course you ate my dog’s skin disease, soaked in canine piss and for desert, you can kiss my arse.

And that, I believe, is closure.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 18:01, Reply)

I have just...
---peed in the kitchen sink at work. It has one of those protectors in the plug-hole that stop the bits of food getting into it, and when I peed, I made it spin.

This is the happiest I have been at work for months.
(lardaholics anonymous, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 18:01, Reply)

At the risk of betraying my identity
My guilty secret is this :-


Sheffield.

Leadmill Nightclub.

Big Bird.


Eurrrrghghhrggr
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 17:49, Reply)

Young Lust
Back in high school, my sophomore year. A friend of mine had a stunning sister who was a year behind us. Often my thoughts were of her when I was over at his house witht he rest of the group playing DnD (yeah, I'm a geekette). I'd swim there also, as they were a bit better off and had their own pool. Well, one day his mum and he leave and say to me "kate, we're off tot he store, we'll be right back". That's like giving me the keys to the candy store.

A few minutes later I went inside, no one home but the dog and me. So straight off to his sister's room I go. Rummage. Come up with a pair of lightly scented knickers and find myself having horribly lusty thoughts about her. Well, more lusty than I was normally having. Desperate for relief, I ended up bottomless by her bed, having a relations with one of her high heeled sandals and a smile on my face afterwards. I kept her knickers and always shivered when I saw her wearing those heels after that day.
( kitty minion Babies ate my dingo!, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 17:44, Reply)

Damn SQL Server
I was working as Tech Support at a large bank in Ireland. One day a user was having a problem with thier loan application. The fix was to delete a particular record. So I typed in the SQL.

delete from tbl_workflow where status = 'MT'
and Id = 2023

Or something like that. I then by mistake highlighted only the top line and executed it. The message came back

5543 records deleted.

I nearly died right there. This is SQL server so there's no rollback no undo. The 5000 records were gone and that was it. It was the kind of environment where you'd be hung for even the slightest error and this was a monumental f*ckup. So after much brain racking I decided not to say anything. Stonewall it to the last.

For weeks afterwards users kept ringing in with problems (because I'd deleted their records) I'd hear the calls, hear the other IT people discussing it trying to figure out what was wrong. All the while sweating away praying they wouldn't twig what happened.

They never did. Phew.

In my defence I had actually highlighted this as a possible weakness in the whole system but I had been ignored.
(conuil, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 17:26, Reply)

Pull his ears...
Pull his ears! To stop the elves.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 17:19, Reply)

Another One
I used to work for a small courier firm contracted to deliver for a large stationary firm.
My job would consist of working night shifts sorting and stacking parcels ready for the drivers in the morning.
During the night I would nick many items ranging from small items of stationary, paper and envelopes to really expensive printers, fax machines and henry hoovers. There was nothing I wouldn't take.
I would even "accidentally" drop sealed boxes to get items out. I figured the cstomer would complain that said item wasn't delivered and would then be re-sent.
My crowning achievement was stealing a very expensive shredder while the boss was in the office next door (which had a CCTV monitor hooked up to the warehouse).
(metalhead41, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 17:06, Reply)

My Brother...
...came home from a trip to Ibiza. I met him from the airport and casually asked him what the Fcuk he was doing on crutches, as he hadn't taken them with.

The real explaination still remains a guilty secret from our mother. When quizzed by her, he explained that his 4 stitches, bad limp and inability to sit down were all casued by a cactus.

To this day she still doesn't know the truth... and true it truly is.

He had returned to his Hotel, suitably shitfaced after an evening on the sauce. Having misplaced his hotel key, he decided that the only way back to his room was Spiderman-style, via the drainpipes and balconies. Amazingly he made it, stripped to his kecks (it was hot) and laid down to sleep.

So this was how, a few moments later, in nought save his boxers, whilst vomiting over the railings - he fell from the third floor balcony of his Hotel. Thankfully he landed first in a tree, then unceremoniously on the dirt below it. He dragged himself around to the front of the hotel where he lost a LOT of blood, before being carted to the hopsital where he saw out the remainder of his holiday.

The gouge that cost him the blood loss was an inch away from his testicles. He still fears that our mother may castrate him if she ever finds out.
(toomanydecibels has bleeding ears on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 17:05, Reply)

I stole
When I was a kid, about eight or nine, I started shoplifting. Don't know why. I half-inched a load of stuff from Woollies and the toy shop. One afternoon after school I left my much younger brother to walk home whilst I went to Rackhams and pilfered something I'd seen the week before. Just remembering this makes me feel sick with shame.
My dad also used to collect money from people playing the Pools. I found out where he kept the money and started nicking 50p here, 50p there, when after a few weeks I was lifting about ten quid (a shit load of money for a kid back in the mid-70s). I used this money to buy DoodleArts and sweets.
Don't know how the wrinklies knew but they found out that I pinched something from Woollies (a battery for my torch). My mum cried, my dad looked devastated but I was amazed they hadn't found out about my life of crime prior to that. I'd be dead if they had. Or marched down to the cop shop for a stiff talking to.
Suffice to say that after seeing how bummed my parents were, I never shoplifted again and as some ironic punishment I feel guilty as an adult for just about everything.
Now, you could leave a bundle of notes right by me and I wouldn't be tempted.
Although, to my mate realmofconfusion, I did borrow a couple of your DVDs when I was looking after your place when you and Mrs realmofconfusion were on honeymoon. Only the crap ones that I couldn't be arsed buying...
(Ghostlight, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 17:03, Reply)

ropey bird, paid off children!
Me and my best mate whizzed out of our tiny minds in the local pub circa '95. Ropey bird walks in (actually a mates wife), shes pissed out of her head and is locked out of her house. Now we already know she is a total spunk dump and do the honorable thing. We walk her back to her house and break in.

She also had her three kids with her who, although it was way past midnight, would not go to bed in order for the inevitable to happen to their mother.
A cunning plan was hatched by me. The kids were each paid the princely sum of one english pound to go to bed. They agreed and left their grot money on the mantlepiece.

Right, we thought as the pair of us ploughed straight into this monstrosity of a woman. I have never seen anyone so ugly and only have one head. It mattered not as we greedily helped ourselves to a tit each.

Things progressed and we took her up to her chamber. A good old fashioned spit roast ensued, even though we were momentarily interrupted by one of her kids walking in on the three of us and calling mummy a trollop. Fair enough though.

The guilty bit is still to come. On our way out I sneaked back into the front room and swiped the kids three quid so I could get some smokes from the 24 hour garage on the way home.
Any more proud and I could burst.
(SPLUFFMYPANTS, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 17:01, Reply)

Democracy sucks
...so I fixed an election at Leeds University so the Women's Officer that might have been of actual use to student women won, rather than the Millie Tant type who had lots of mates on the various hardcore wimmin groups.

I just double counted lots of votes - including the two recounts. Ha.

Mid-90s-ish btw and 100% trew.
( pilchardboy, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:58, Reply)

I really should have said something, Oh well..
I work with this girl, i say girl but she's 30 and around 4ft 9 and totally mad/evil, in a bunny boiler kinda way and nasty.
Well she has this 'thing' about people touching her stuff especailly cups and anything she might eat/drink from. I work with elderly dementia patients, most of whom don't wash or brush their teeth if you don't make them.
One day she left a can of coke on the table and the grottiest most minging patient drank out of it, shortly followed by her taking a long swig after she didn't notice.
Mouhaha.
(catzeyes Princess Trampagne, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:54, Reply)

Cars and College
Ok first post, please be nice

About three years ago my first car started to pack up on the way down to visit my nan in Broadstairs. My nan being very worried about me actually gave me £3000 to buy a new car with, which I did. 4 weeks later while on the way home from work I had an accident, one that turned out to be a write off. I felt horrible about this ruining a gift from my nan I lied to her about what happened. My excuse?
The car was stolen by some people at night while parked outside my house, and when it was found it had been burnt out.
I still feel guilty about this but can't bring myself to tell her about this.

When I went to visit her another time she was asking all aboutt my college course, how it was going etc... I would tell her all about it, and what grades I was expecting. Problem was I had dropped out of college several months previous to this. She still thinks I walked away with a HND in computing.
(metalhead41, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:54, Reply)

30 years of guilt
I have never ever admitted to this before but....when I was about 6 me, my folks and little bruv would visit my Grandma who lived some miles away. She was very frail, had MS lived alone etc etc. Anyway, one day they left me sat in front of the big old B&W telly and I fiddled with the contrast knob until the whole screen went black I then switched it off thought no more about it. Roll forward 1 week to the next visit and Grandma has had a week without the telly and even the repair man couldn't fix it. I twigged right off what had happened (bright guilty kid) and twisted the knob a few turns and said nothing.

Nope, writing this down still doesn't make me feel less guilty....
(jokeshop, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:53, Reply)

yellow burgers
... for an entire summer, at least once a week, me and my good buddy took turns pissing in his step fathers bbq ...

sorry "Rod-Guy".
fuck you at the same time though!
(PonChalice started an ultra back spin on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:48, Reply)

I count myself lucky I've got no secrets like you guys...
...the closest I come is that I'm just finishing a work placement for a gap year, and my boss honestly believes that I am a slow, slightly special worker. They have gone out of their way to accomodate me, and haven't pressured me, and are throwing me a little goodbye party...
Thing is, I actually work really quickly, and then spend time on b3ta.
I'm not sure which I'd rather have him believe.
(Bummero failed to stop himself saying something stupid at, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:39, Reply)

Mums orange washing up bowl.
Im really sorry mum. Its time I told the world the truth about what REALLY happened to your orange washing up bowl.

I didnt just drop it when i was using it to wash my bike. It was throwing it out of the upstairs bathroom window which smashed it. It was great fun filling it with water and throwing it out of the window. But sadly on the third go it smashed into smitherines.

I will go to my room now.
(Miggyman, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:37, Reply)

ahhhhh....closure
My aunt is only a few years older than me, and when she was sitting her O-levels she came to stay with us while she revised. One day, while larking around I decided to shut her out of the house after she had popped outside.

As I closed the door, laughing manically, she tripped on the doormat and put her right hand straight through one of the little plate-glass panels, neatly slicing her little finger off so it hung by a shred of skin from her suddenly claret-squirting hand.

To this day, we both still maintain that she tripped over accidentally and that I was nowhere near the incident at the time. Gawd bless her for that one.
(clockworkkillbot, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:37, Reply)

shitty rug
When i was about 13 we went to have christmas at my posh, scary great aunt's house. She's a total neat freak and her house was chintzy and immaculate. I had just had a shit and was sitting on the avacado toilet admiring the truely terrible decor, having a pre-wipe ponder. Something shiny struck my eye just out of reach (i forget what) so i stood up to pick it up, took a step and felt a dingleberry drop onto the spotless white sheepskin rug beneath me.
I don't know if you'd had to wipe up shit from sheepskin using nothing but tissue and toiletries, but it's not easy. The brown stain kept spreading the more I scrubbed and the smell of faecaes filled the air. So I did what anyone would do and snuck away and have never mentioned the incident to anyone since. I have kept my dark, putrid shame bottled up inside me for over 10 years. But no more! everyone shall know about my faecal incontinence and rugs smeared with pubescent shit. Hurrah!
(donksta, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:37, Reply)

Bebo stalking and someone else's secret.
Remember the girl from this story? b3ta.com/questions/pleasesleepwithme/post76760/

Well, a few months ago I stumbled across her Bebo page. I've been curiously checking it now and then to see what she's up to.

Yesterday I read it more thoroughly...

Turns out that she didn't actually give me her real name.

:|
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:11, Reply)

Logging calls
I hate my boss at work, and this leads me to some inappropriate behaviour...like my propensity to 'work from home' on Fridays. This makes me feel a bit guilty, but what really gives me a guilty pleasure is that when he calls me from the office I go into the toilet to take a dump and/or piss whilst talking to him about 'strategy'. I don't know why, it's just something about disrespecting him...
( trebor_minty, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:08, Reply)

Tea Bagging Truth
While working on reception desk at London, I overheard the pretty young lady getting a loud and embarrassing telling off from behind closed doors for forgetting to make the tea for the boss.

When she returned my colleague said this:

"I'm alright. She wouldn't shout about tea so much if she knew I wiped my arse with the bags before I put the water in."

I only ask for coffee now.
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:06, Reply)

Wanker
My mother invented a great game to keep my little brother and I occupied on rainy days: rude word scrabble.

It's like ordinary scrabble except that you don't have a limited number of letters, and all the words have to be rude. So my childhood was filled with cries of, "Hurrah, I got "minge" on a triple word score!" Sometimes my mum kicks ass.

Anyway, one day my brother and I, about 7 and 12 at the time, were having a fiercely-contested match of rude word scrabble when I contributed the word "wanker". "What does "wanker" mean?" he asked.

I wasn't prepared to explain the finer points of masturbation to my younger sibling so I just said, "Oh, wanking is just another word for sex!"

"What, like "fucking"?" he asked.

"Exactly" I said.

Several years later, I overheard him tell his mates that he'd like to "wank" a girl in their class.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 16:05, Reply)

Shame
I watched Hi5 every morning.
I was 16.
Enough said. :( I still watch that kids reading show Arthur...and Mr. Rogers...and Magic School Bus. I'm now 18 and still chugging on them, though I stopped the Hi5 nonsense. Eurgh! I have some problems. :(((
(NancyycnaN Wðñ'† ¥ðµ §hðw §ðmê ¢l姧?, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 15:56, Reply)