Herman the german
many moons ago a friend of mine had a german family staying with him.

As their five year old son emerged from the swimming pool, i thought i would reach across the cultural barriers (show off) by speaking to the young lad using the sparce and only german i know

(outside of the old commando comics achtung donner und blitzen)

This being "vas ist das", meaning "what is that" (i hope).

i grinned cockily and pointed to the only piece of clothing he was wearing, his trunks.

the poor lad then sprung a tear as he dropped his head and pointed to his wee fella, with both family's watching on in silent horror as i appeared to be pointlessly ridiculing their teutonic spawn for my perverted pleasure.

i think i am still there stuck in this moment in some form of satanic pergatory.
(robertsione, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 18:58, Reply)

White whine (sic)
So there we all were, in the pub, a few years back. All my so called mates were enjoying a lovely conversation about their selected Soaves, Sauvignon Blancs and their Pinot Grigiots. Imagine my utter dismay and embarassment when they pointed out I had a Semillon.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 18:27, Reply)

After one too many beers
I made my first trip to the toilets in this reasonably modern city pub. On approaching the two doors I noticed there were no 'male' or 'female' signs but rather the sex symbols in 1960s style painting. After some serious thinking I came to the conclusion that the circle with arrow pointing up the way was my port of call.

As I entered I was already in the process of preparing myself to urinate only to be met with three women at the sinks staring at me as my hand was on my crotch. Now, the situation could easily have been fixed if I was sober and able to explain but instead I froze, partially mumbled "sex symbol" before quickly heading towards the door only for it to swing open and hit me leaving me bent over with my fly still open. Of course the newly entering females looked in horror at me before I exited to the sounds of laughing and one large scream of "PEEERRRVEEERT".

The next day I learned the signs were actually the wrong way round. If the person who painted them wasn't an idiot I could have had a nice piss and gone back to my beer in peace.
(cool dry place, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 18:15, Reply)

My ex's nephew wanted to show me his willy once
He was 7, (the nephew - not the ex - otherwise I WOULD be a sex offender) and he'd just been circumcised for some unknown medical reason.

THE SCENE: At children's birthday party:

Nephew - "Auntie Susan* (not my real name), do you want to see my new willie?"

Me - Shuffling and embarrassed "No thank you".

He'll be about 16 now, maybe I should give him a call...
(Peelmytangerines, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:55, Reply)

I just though of a situation where im often mistaken for a dirty perv
on a big night out Ill sometimes sleep in my work clothes, before my death alarm forces me on my way to work again. It usually on the tube I'll notice the vivid white jizz-looking stains down the front of my trousers. the culprit: leaking garlic sauce from a 3am kebab
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:19, Reply)

Ah yes
In September '04, I had just moved back into university, ready to complete my final year. Everything was in place, my books were on the shelves, my computer had been set up. So, I sat down at my desk to read a book. Now my room didn't have any curtains at this point, but it didn't bother me as I could quite happily get dressed behind a towel. Anyways, back to my book. I was happily sat down reading, when I looked up and noticed several things. The first was that my next door neighbour had left his curtains open. Secondly, there appeared to be movement, which in a picosecond I understood to be my next door neighbour making the beast with two backs with his missus. I looked down very quickly, and of course told all my mates the next day. However, I didn't come the best in this... mainly because somehow the rumour went round I filmed them with my webcam. Odd thing is, I didn't get a webcam until two months after the fact.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:17, Reply)

went out with a lass in norway
this was years ago when i wasnt chained to a computer during daylight hours, and roamed the earth like kung-fu, looking for adventure. I stayed with her in her mums house, and her mum and her brother, while polite, kept giving me strange looks. As did her Socialist youth group friends. after about a month of midnight sun bliss and spearing the bearded clam, she says she is starting to get in trouble because she hadnt been to school in weeks. "school?" says I, "How old are you?". It turns out she was 16 (going on 17). I was 25. I had her placed around 22, she was certainly more emotionaly mature than I was at the time. The more I look back, the more I read 'you perv' into the reactions of her family and friends. I guess I was, but I swear I didnt know it at the time, your honour.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:12, Reply)

A Friend's story, from long ago.
He was a rampant sex maniac who once had 3 girlfriends simultaneously. She was 1 of the 3, his longest, and knew of the other two, yet she still somehow put up with him even though she knew of his sexual exploits. Anyway, one time (and this is using his words), he was doing her from behind, when she turns around and said, "It always hurts me when we do it this way.". His response should go down in history: "Oh - no-one else ever complained." and promptly spunked as she was overcome with tears at his unfaithfullness.
it still took over a year for them to break up.
( mikeyyy, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 16:55, Reply)

DustyMonkey
He's 16. In real life. I'm 32. It'll never be okay.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 16:43, Reply)

Unconsenting Race
Often, when walking along the street, in order to keep the pace up, I pick a person some distance ahead of me, and a landmark some distance ahead of them and try to beat them to it - e.g. "Reach the sixth lamppost before the bloke in the grey suit." Sometimes, the people I overtake pick up the pace and seemingly try to race me to the next landmark they notice.

Sometimes, they notice before I reach them, and pick up the pace to beat me to my chosen landmark.

This is not the right game to play in the middle of the night, when the only other person on the street is a small blonde woman. Initially, I thought she was racing me, as she was going at quite a lick. It was only when she stopped dead as I was about to overtake, that I realised that I had probably scared the shit out of her.
(Rastus P Watermelon, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 16:28, Reply)

Tame by comparison, you pack of preverts!
After a glorious Friday night on the juice with the lads, I attempted to make up for it (as promised) with a romantic night spent attempting to please 'her indoors'. All was going swimmingly, nice indian meal washed down with a bottle or three of overpriced grape-juice. She even managed to crack a smile once or twice, I could see that cheky little glimmer of success sin her eye and knew things would improve vastly once we got home.

It was in the taxi, however that things started to go awry. That tasty curry-roast labrador must've had a disagreement with last night's scabby-cat-in-a-pitta-bread and they began chasing around my battered intestines. With those two greasy animal carcasses sloshing around in the remnants of the previous nights guiness invasion and marinading themselves in chateau-condemned, something had to give. It started at the top first, with a belch that Grandad would've thought drifted from a trench in the Somme. I managed to pass that off with the swift consumption of several of the mints presented to me with the bill earlier.
Casa del Greencloud was eventually reached, and the cabbie received a rather generous tip due to my desperate urge to splurge and reluctance to wait for change from the skoda driving pikey twunt. She's still rather keen, and lingers for several minutes of 'heavy petting' on the doorstep before entering the lurve palace (don't know why - we've lived together for years - perhaps that nosy biatch over the road was watching and my lustful queen wanted to give the old net-twitcher something to watch?!)
I eventually managed to get her into the bedroom and by this time, I didn't even want sex anymore - my only desire was for her to put the babywipes in the fridge while I evacuate my riotous bowel. But being eager to please and still attempting redemption for my boyish shenanigans, I decided she could have a quickie before I depart to the porcelain throne.
It was then it came, I bent over further than I really should have in my attempt to speeden things up with a bout of cunnilingus and the beast escaped.
The sound was that of a 52 piece brass band simultaneously coughing into their mouth-pieces, the vibration was enough to rattle the over-sized Ikea prints on the far side of the wall. Her face looked like she just found me in a swordid frisson with her grandparents. My only saving grace was that I somehow managed to avoid redecorating the room with my tan-emulsion.
Needless to say my slumber was not of the highest quality that fateful evening. After an un-fathomable amount of time on the pot (no cooled baby wipes for this bad lad - I'm surprised she didn't swipe the quilted velvet for my crime!) I managed a couple of hours squeezed onto our sofa (2 seater - I'm 6"3').

Sex - Rarely nowadays
Offender - I certainly did.

No joke relating to excessive length (it could only be measured in volume - how long would 12 pints be?)
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 16:07, Reply)

Rakky
You are not alone on the wrong thoughts about Alex Pettyfer. At what point will this become ok? How old is he in real life?

I accidentally pulled a 15 year old in a club whilst extremely drunk. I was 26. The shame! Have mended my ways now and am keeping to a strict 25-years minimum (I'm now 27).

Length: probably wouldn't have been impressive at that tender age, I'm VERY glad I didn't hang around to find out!
(DustyMonkey, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 15:44, Reply)

teenage window pervin'
When i was 14 i used to stay up for hours and hours hiding behind the bedroom curtains, teenage throb in hand, waiting for the woman next door to have her final slash before going to bed as she was generally stark bollock.
(japper, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 15:36, Reply)

Desperate
In the summer holidays from uni a few (more than i would like) years ago my dad left for work telling me that there was a man coming to the house to survey the roof so he could estimate a cost for retiling, etc.

He said that I wasn't to fall back to sleep or listen to loud music and that i should be viligantly listening for the tell tale doorbell sound that accompanies aforementioned roofer being at the front door - patronising twunt.

Anyways during that mornings bath and whilst washing my hair (lots of it at this point - student after all) i swore i heard the distant echo of the doorbell.

So I ran out of the bathroom grabbed an unfathomably small towel from the radiator and ran to the front door. No-one there.

Only a man walking away from the house and down the road. In a panic and thinking i would be in trouble with my dad i shouted down the road at the man
'OI!'
'HELLO?!'
'DO YOU WANT ME?'...
'DO YOU WANT ME?!'...

Of course he was just a member of her majestys public walking happily down the road nothing to do with our roof!

The expression on the mans face as he turned around to see a soapy wet naked man, covering himself with only a flannel asking him if he wanted him will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I should probably be on a list at the Daily Mail.
(notsurehowfunnythisis, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 14:48, Reply)

Shouta-complex
(a lady who likes much younger men)

Roomate #1 (age 22) went paintballing with her friend and her friend's younger brother. Because the brother is tall and rather fit-looking, she dosen't think he's that much younger then her - 18 at the most. Roommate and brother seem to be getting along quite well, until they start talking about school. It slowly dawns on her that she's been coming on to a 14-year-old - fortunately he didn't notice, but his sister did... She makes fun of roommate #1 being a pedophile to this day.

Roommate #2 (age older then 24) has been having a series of increasingly younger boyfriends: her ex-boyfriend was 2 years younger then her (my age) and her current flings are 2 years younger then that. Naturally, I call her a pedophile and her response is "noooo~!"
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 12:33, Reply)

Wrong thing to say...
Back in the day before I had children of my own, I would occasionally visit a friend who had a little girl called Lauren who was about 4 at the time.

One day, while wandering through town, my friend announced that she needed to pop into the post office, and asked would I wait outside with Lauren. While her mother was gone, Lauren decided that I *needed* to know that she was wearing some new underwear.

"Would you like to see my knickers?" she asked at top volume outside a very busy Post Office. Flustered, and not wanting to be seen in public looking at a young girl's knickers, I replied "No, let's wait until we get home".

Possibly not the right thing to say judging by the looks of passers-by.
(McDingo, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 12:31, Reply)

...
I was in my bedroom the other day and spied a girl with long hair and no top on, in the house opposite. I felt a bit naughty but couldn't stop looking, until she turned round and revealed that she was a boy with long hair and no top on, and i don't fancy boys.
(yiddo, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 12:29, Reply)

Wrong Name!
Once during a rather passionate love making session I shouted the wrong name, she took offence.

Does that make me a sex offender?

Meh!
(Minty Hit, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 11:53, Reply)

Under Suspicion
I have no story to tell Im a good boy, just an opinion to give.

since the birth of my daughter 3 years ago I have noted the following rather sad truths.

1) A bloke carrying a girl to the toilets in public = suspicious looks/stares

2) A bloke carrying a screaming girl whos been naughty in shop = suspicious looks/stares (especially when screaming for mummy)

3) A bloke then carrying said screaming girl whos been naughty out of the shop to the car leaving mummy to do the shopping = even more suspcious looks/stares

... and there are others

Sometimes I wonder if people believe that my daughter even has a father... cuz they certainly don't believe that its me... fucking sad world in'it ?

length ? well the missus tells me shes had bigger which fooking hurt... smaller which was crap and therefore I am just right.... being happy is what its all about insn't it ? lets here it for mister average... (yes this is first post)
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 11:01, Reply)

Rape - its no laughing matter, sometimes
I got accused of raping my ex-girlfriend by her mother, the police came around and everything.
Luckly they saw sense and charged the mother with wasting police time.

They moved shortley after that, havnt seen them since
(DancingBeaver Whats All This Then?, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 23:58, Reply)

Arthog
So.. as many aspiring adults my age will remember, 3rd year at Primary School had one singular highlight (next to visiting Bulmer's cider factory in Hereford of course, probably the sole reason I've been so fixated with Strongbow all my life!) - this highlight was the action-packed, fun-filled activity week that was Arthog, in Wales! Yey.

Twas a right barrel of laughs: thrashing the other school there at footie, observing first hand one poor chap from said other school catching his knackers on his bunk bed ladders and spending the rest of the week in casualty.. and even talk of one of the fit blondes from my school getting her kit off and legging it round the corridors in the buff!! ACE!

But that's not the reason for this post. Oh no. The reason lies in our daily communal showers. Somehow, even at the tender age of 10, we found the idea of showering naked together somewhat.. wrong. No explanation needed really. It just fucking is, whatever your age.

Not so, thought our PE teacher Mr Bevan who clearly thought we weren't proper 'men' by showering in our swimming trunks. And took it upon himself to taunt, ney, HECKLE us for our wussie stance. So, under pressure to proove how grown-up and tough we were, we took off our trunks and showered like grown-up boys. Only boys who grew a little disconcerted about the lingering eyes of our PE teacher disturbingly proud of the boys in his care.

Not a word was spoken about this after the trip, although one other chap I bumped into years later still to this day remembers the moment vividly.

Scarred? Probably.
(BeardyMat, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 23:16, Reply)

Not me but...
When I first moved down to Bristol my housemates (all female) took me to a famous cider pub in the city. Due to the amount of people in there we sat at a table with some blokes who were already there. After a while the blokes started talking to us rather than each other, I was talking to one bloke who was in awe of the fact that i was living with four girls and told me that he was a teacher and some of his female pupils were really fit. Not something that bothered me too much, until later when he told my housemate he was a primary school teacher!
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 22:57, Reply)

The real reason old people feed pigeons
Is they like to watch them shag.

In the town centre of Hartlepool theres a war memorial with 2 big patches of grass where the pigions hang out. When the skaters and underage mothers arnt there, old folk sit and watch/feed the birdies.

One day I was stitting about there for nearly 2 hours for some reason, proberly waiting for a bus, with a book and when ever a pigeon was having a shag, an old bloke nudged his friend next to him grinning.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 22:01, Reply)

Fashion mistakes
I'm not someone who should be allowed to buy his own clothes - I invariably end up with something that doesn't fit or should not be worn by anyone. Ever. Anyway, one time I got a long brown rain coat that seemed cool at the time but a. stank of dead cats when wet and b. looked like a flasher's mac.

My other weakness is pick n' mix sweets in the cinema. I get a "few" of each and end up with half a kilo. One time I REALLY overdid it and ended up with enough sweets to last me a week.

So, I'm wearing the coat of a sex-case and I've got a bag of sweets in my pocket - if I'd been picked up by the police that would have been enough evidence to have me put on the register....
(neilfann www.betterthankids.com, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 21:54, Reply)

Lock the 'kin door
i'm a teacher in a secondary school. a couple of years ago i was working at a summer school for kids about to join the school who were deemed to need a bit of special care and encouragement to gently induct them into the school. At lunch time one particularly weepy and nervy girl went off to the toilet, about 5 mins later i went off to the staff toilet, which is essentially a cupboard with one toilet in. I opened the door and was greated by a scream, of the nervy girl that had dissapeared earlier, i jumped back and slammed the door shouting "thers a lock on the door, lock the f*cking door..."and swiftly retreating. It took the one female member of staff the rest of the day to convince her that i had not "been looking at her", I was and still am mortified every time i see her.
(bambambambambam, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 21:32, Reply)

blockbuster boobfest
Me and my brother in law standing second in the queue at blockbuster two days ago. I happened to notice that directly above the lady in front of us was a huge angled mirror. Ideal for looking down her gigantic cleavage. After a quick perv I let my bruv in law in on the action. As he was in mid gawp I alerted the amply norked woman to his disgraceful antics. She looked at him like a piece of shit and then she proceeded to rent scary movie 4. Needless to say, it was me and not her that had the last laugh, because that is one shit film.
(dukefukem, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 21:22, Reply)