my friend
who shall not remain namesless, cos i like to embarress people.
we were doing a crossword in closer magazine (i am as straight as a, well, straight thing) so dont ask questions. i t was one of those ones where get given 3 letters...im not old either!!!
ok so one of the answers read H-T-L, so i wrote down 'hotel'

Izzi - Phil?
Me - What?
Izzi - What the fuck is a hotle? (how she pronounced it)

dumbass (i just spelt that word wrongly 4 times oops)
(javier, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:14, Reply)

The Beatles
I'm English, and I went to Indiana this summer to visit a friend. We were sat in a bar, and the bartender picked up on the fact that I was English. He then got very excited, and said, in all seriousness, "Oh, you must live next door to the Beatles!".

I was too kind to let him down, so I just agreed that yes, the Beatles, even the two who are dead, all live next door to me in the same house.
(feckless student, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 23:06, Reply)

What's that word...
Same day, Same biology lesson, Sitting next to each other. Scarily, we we're the two of the smartest kids in the GCSE year group...

My friend: What's that word... begins with a K... FISH! That's the one!

Me: What do chicken and eggs have in common?

I make no apologies.
(ScienceG33K, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 22:10, Reply)

Absolutely true
My (now) ex-wife was watching the news about 5-6 years ago when everybodys favourite politician, David Blunkett was making a speech.
Her comment "He's reading from an autocue, look, his eyes are all over the place"
She also couldn't work out why I was giggling when she said she'd been out with her girly friends to a pub called "The Wig & Merkin", then I had to explain what a Merkin was.

(For those are still ignorant, a Merkin is a pubic wig)
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 21:58, Reply)

calling across the border
On the train recently travelling through Scotland, I was making conversation with an English woman who was in Scotland on business, a trip it turned out she made frequently from her home in the south of England. After she had received a call from her husband, conversation turned to the subject of mobile phones, as it often does when there is nothing to talk about. During the course of the conversation, she explained she did not like to use her mobile phone to call home when in Scotland, "because it costs more calling internationally on a mobile". This woman was about 35 and appeared reasonably articulate and intelligent in all other respects.

At least she didn't think Scotland was a county of England, I suppose.
(cybersquatter_, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 21:50, Reply)

not been on for a while and can't be arsed to check maybe it's already on here
has anybody seen the Ricky Gervais DVD politics i think. there is the most stupid man in the world on it. he sums up this entire qotw. Carl Pilkington we know where you live.

(may not be true)
( Brown cow, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 21:44, Reply)

This was today, actually.
In a video game shop, and my mate spots International Track and Field for the Playstation.

Him: "Go on, buy it and we'll get arthritis! It'll be a laugh!"

Me: "There's just one problem with that."

Him: "What's that then?"

Me: "I don't want Track and Field."

I assure you, this was unintentional.
(Keiths Dad, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 21:41, Reply)

I knew a mini cab driver
who was collecting 50p pieces because, and i quote "the ones with pictures on are worth up to £4 each to collectors"

absolutey true. he even showed me a load of the ones he'd collected.

the mind boggles.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 21:38, Reply)

old bloke on the bus
on hearing his travel partner bemoaning public transport: "well what do you expect when the home secretary is blind?"
(:Nelly:, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 21:24, Reply)

At the airport
waiting for the stupid bags at the carousel.
We had 2 of our 3 bags, when Mum says "You always end up waiting for one!"
(Kirbie, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 21:02, Reply)

Three here:
Firstly a girl at school (pretty girl, thick as two short planks) says her favourite poem is Phillip Larkin’s “Ignorance” (said with heavy emphasis on the second syllable). She realised what she’d done almost directly after but it was the mispronunciation of the apt title that tickled me.

In a similar vein my brother’s girlfriend repeatedly claims, on IM programs, that she is a “genious” (sic). However she is from Thanet (Kent b3tans know what I’m on about) and so being able to turn on a computer should be applauded.

Lastly my brother claims that cinema screens “should have Braille subtitles so the blind know what’s being said.”
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 20:28, Reply)

Americans have a bad reputation, some of them deservedly so
me:"your through to blahdyblah tech support, how can I help you?"
american lady:"I've a problem with my laptop, it won't start"
me:"alright what happens when you press the on button, do any lights come on?"
A-L:"I'm not sure"
Me:"Could you try it now for me?
A-L:"No the laptop's in the office, I'm on my way there now"
Me:"Actually you'd be better off calling back, when you actually get the laptop, actually there's a better department to call, I'll give you the number"
A-L:"Hang on I'll just get a pen from the glove compartment"
Me:"Are you driving?"
A-L:{muffled exclamation}"woah, some idiot nearly crashed into me, what was that number again?"
So apart from the silliness of phoning for tech support without a computer, she was driving, on the phone and trying to write down a phone number
I never heard from her again
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 20:20, Reply)

I've been working at a pharmacy for 14 months now
but today a man complained bitterly that I "must be new at it" because I didn't know where the "Hackets" were despite his description of "they're like sweets, that you suck, for sore throats".
When I gestured towards our products of that nature he triumpantly picked up two packets of Lockets and almost shouted "see? HACKETS!"

I hope he chokes, the cunt.
( Malchick, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 20:17, Reply)

Stupid advice, for stupid people.
This is some advice from the National Criminal Intelligence service, to help people avoid being ripped off when they want to give money to help tsunami victims:

"Be sceptical of individuals claiming to be surviving victims or foreign government officials asking you to place large sums of money in overseas bank accounts."

Hmmm. Because normally i wouldn't think twice about putting large sums of money in overseas bank accounts when the president of a small country sends me an email. For me, this is right up there with instructions on a toothpick.
(redSpikes, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 20:14, Reply)

oh god, why?
About five months ago, a girl from Afghanistan came to my town to live for a while. She came to my school for the first three months, and she was friendly and kind to everyone, even though they were all suspicious of her.
One day she just stopped coming, and I didn't know where she had gone, until an article came up in our local newspaper saying she'd gone to a different school. It didn't say why, but this bit pretty much explained it:
"Manati’s also encountered some stereotyping here in America, too. While she was at Pinecrest(my school) one student asked her if she knew where Osama bin Laden was.
'At first I thought he was joking, but I think he was serious,' Manati says. 'I didn’t really know who he (Bin Laden) was before I got here. I never expected anybody to ask me about him.'"
And my school still boasts whenever they can about how they're an International Baccalaureate school even though most of of the 1600 students are the densest in the state.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 20:03, Reply)

Shakespeare
Young American couple, in the interval of an open-air performance of Shakespeare's The Tempest:

Guy: So, honey, what do you think of this Shakespeare stuff then?

Gal: Oh, I don't know. I like it, I suppose. But it's so full of clichés.
( Dr Almost, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 20:00, Reply)

shudder
working in a shop i was once asked if it was ok to mix the pick n' mix
(evil_beetle, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 19:49, Reply)

Bless me mum...
Out walking one day and she spotted a bird.
"Oh look, a black headed crow!" she said gleefully.
"Mum, crows are generally completely black."
"....."

In some fancy restaraunt she wanted my dad's attention so she said" Anna (my name), I mean Amy (my sister's name)er....DAN (no one in my famliy's name)"

She also loves the film "Lawrence of Olivier" and the actor "Leonardo DiVincieo"
(Chiligrrl WHERE'S MAH DUBLOONS, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 19:48, Reply)

Remembered Some more...
Some people didnt know that when the bus got off the Ferry at the other end of the Channel whether they were in France or not, still unsure after half an hour of Dunkirk walking. They didnt want to update their watches either.
(Pigmash, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 19:48, Reply)

My mate hadn't done his coursework.
So of course I had to fax him mine. I asked him on MSN what his fax number was, he gave it to me. Out of the blue he Informed me that he had no paper in his fax machine.

The following conversation ensued.
Me: Then get some
Him: kay brb
-pause-
Him: no weve got none left
Him: could u fax some over before the coursework pleas?
( rabid peanut - s'fucking right, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 19:46, Reply)

Friend's wife
Used to wonder how train drivers steered trains. It must be a terribly hard job, you see, because the tracks are really narrow and the train would fall off quite easily.
( foop, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 19:13, Reply)

last night at the bar...
In the bathroom, I overheard the following conversation between two girls:

Drunk Girl A: Why do I pee so much when I drink?
Drunk Girl B: It's because you're drinking a lot of liquid. It'd be the same if you drank the same amount of water as fast as you drink the alcohol.


No mention was made of the body expelling toxins or anything. It's just due to sheer quantity, apparently.
(emgee, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 19:11, Reply)

grandad
I had to phone up my work a few Saturdays ago to tell my boss I wasn't coming in as my Grandad had died the night before. She was very apologetic before adding, "Don't worry about it, take all the time you need, it's dead in here today anyway."

Whoops, stupid use of words comes to mind!
(Aleox, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 19:06, Reply)

a level physics student
Do cars burn petrol?
after the mirth had subsided, she confessed that she'd thought a system of petrol rivers and "waterwheels" kept the car running...
and this was in the second year of the course....
(griffster, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 18:57, Reply)

damned fools...
I once overheard somebody on a bus saying that basically Tony Blair is the best prime Minister a country could want, and that everything he has done has improved everybodies way of life, and its such a good job he's running the country.
That reminded me why I never got on buses, or voted for Tony Fucking Blair the biggest cunt in the country!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Sat 8 Jan 2005, 18:43, Reply)

tech support
working for well known blue bubbly mobile phone company.. knowsn as xx furthur down

me; Hello xx data support, how can i help?

cust; ive got this T-mobile phone right, and its not working..

me; er ok, your through to xx.

cust; well like i said its not working.

me; your through to xx!

cust; so you cant help me then?

me; no.
-----

cust; my battery isnt working again and its costing me a fortune, i turn it off after ive finished but they dont last long.

me; this may seem silly but you have charged it up?

cust; WHAT!!? you can charge it up?

me; *slaps forehead* yes thats what the charger does.

Turns out the muppet had ordered 5 new batterys so far at £14:99 each!.

---

hello, xx data support,

Cust; can I setup my laptop to use my mobile as a modem?
me; right then, click start, choose control panel, double click phone and modem opt...
Cust; er im a truck driver,
me; ok? well dont worry i'll take it slowly if your not good with a pc..
cust; im driving my truck,
me; ah, that does cause a bit of a problem, any chance of calling us later!

(when your not going to cause a pile up you f****ing stupid twunt)
(tokin_whiteguy, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 18:37, Reply)

Just
remembered - I convinced someone that sterility was hereditary
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 18:19, Reply)

A chap at work
during an argument stated that "you're skating on hot water!". He has also declared that "I've got it down here in black and blue!"
My favourite was the time he declared that "Just because I work at ******, they think I'm a rich man. I'm not, I'm a porpoise"
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 18:16, Reply)

Yet more beautifully nieve Americans (sorry)
Few years ago when the foot and mouth crisis was going on, I was on a family holiday to Florida.
We were in Disney and ducked into a resturant for a burger. As we sat there chatting over lunch, the father of an American family next to us had overheard us talking
Him: Hi Guys, I hear your British
(we nod)
Him: Gee must be nice to eat some meat huh.
Us: Beg-pardon?
Him: Well I've heard about England at the moment, you're all in famine and have no meat, we've been expecting loads of British coming over here for a burger...
(Gert-Big-Robot-Gal, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 18:09, Reply)

Once apon a time...
A young girl was crying all alone.
My firend walked up and in a joking tone asked

"heh geese who died"
to a reply of
"my best friend"
Then he almost died.
(Rosseh!, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 18:06, Reply)