Spunk water
I have this print hanging above my bed:



My mother, a catholic school kindergarten teacher (innocence personified) came to visit me. I was showing her around my house for the first time, when she deftly spied the aforementioned print above my bed.

I was ready for abject mortification, but instead she said, “Oh, how cute!”

S-s-s-spunk drinking? Cute?

Oh yes, she said. Spunk water!

Find out, there is a little old lady in the United States who writes stories where the hero, a cat, likes to drink spunk-water. SPUNK WATER. The combination of spunk and water. Not the spermy tincture one might expect, but instead ‘rain water collected in a stump’.

I then explained to my mother that spunk is, in this case, jism. And that the ‘spunk drinking festival’ Mr Tourette was on about had nothing to do with dearie blue-hairs and their hero kitties drinking rainwater, but rather, cum guzzling in a church.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:20, 1 reply)

A few years ago,
As part of some part time teaching I do in the Construction sector, I had the dubious pleasure of teaching a subject called 'Construction and the Environment'.

The subject was aimed at the National certificate market, all of whom were about to start work or had a job and were doing the course as a day release.

Now, in my time, I've marked some some wierd and wonderful assignments, but one assignment came in where the recipient was obviously in such a hurry to submit their assignment, they they forgot to use the spellchecker after typing it up.

the phrase was meant to read:
'At present, it is believed that a major cause of global warming is down to carbon dioxide, methane and other gasses found in aerosols...

However, not knowing how to spell aerosols resulted in the above ending with the word
'arseholes', which put a different spin on the sentence altogether
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:18, Reply)

a simple misspelling...
When I was eleven, I once wrote a science essay on the 'first orgasms on earth'. I couldn't work out why the teacher was laughing so much.

Ahh the joys of dyslexia...
(ohmyliver, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:03, Reply)

And another..
A premium car wash round are way boasts 'the best hand job in Manchester!'

accidental?..I think not!
(misshotlips, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:57, 4 replies)

Why didn't I just go for Diamonds?
It was my parents 30th Wedding anniversary recently, which after some quick googling, I ascertained was "Pearl"*. As I live near Brighton, I decided to head down & see what the jewellery shops in the Lanes had to offer - I think you can see where this is going.

My boyfriend, being the Macaddict that he is insisted on going to w@nk over all the lovely shiny toys in the local Cancom first. It was a fairly quiet day, the only other people in the shop being the 2 salesmen & a couple of male customers. An air of hushed awe surrounded us, as the men all reverently wandered amidst the pristine white products, when I cleared my throat and issued the immortal proclaimation (a little louder than intended)

"Right then - pearl necklace time"

I ended up buying them a Toblerone.

(*Apparently they've upgraded it to Diamonds in the 'Contemporary' list, but seeing as that may as well be called the 'Cynical Ploy To Get You All Spending More Money' list, I decided that they could wait until 60 like everyone else.)
(Badgerette, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:55, Reply)

"It's amazing how tiring it is to walk three miles home from B&Q with a six-foot piece of wood in your hands."

( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:53, Reply)

A story from history, about history.
Long ago, when I was doing my GCSEs, I was in the classroom waiting for the lesson to start. On the desk at the front was a pile of scruts' (that is, first years') exercise books.

Bored, I had a quick look. They'd been doing Danegeld and pre-Conquest England stuff.

There's a couple of ways in which King Knut's name can be spelled. This wasn't one of them.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:52, 5 replies)

Just Like Fanny's
Driving from Oxford to Burford there’s a warehouse on the right side of the dual carriageway. About 5 years ago this warehouse had a poster on it which proudly proclaimed “Our muffins are soft and moist just like Fanny’s”.

100% truth. 80 mile trip from Northampton to Fairford – the sign made it all worthwhile!

(I assume they meant Fanny Craddock. I hope so anyway - chokes on muffin)
(sodbiscuit sodbiscuit, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:51, Reply)

Korean student mistakes
I work for an ESL website based in Korea, where Korean students post their writing online and I correct all their mistakes. Over the last couple years I've saved all my favourite unintentional ones.

-"i can be a person who kills two births with one stone" (Obviously meant "two birds," but this metaphor works even better.)

-"There are foreshore. We caught small crap. My children played so hard. But there was not many crap." (about a trip to the beach, where you can see carp.)

-"Today was raining. I don't like rain so much.
Because I feel not so good about that day's humidity. My jeans are wet. My bag and pipe is wet, too." (Bag and pipe? I hope this person is a Scotsman.)

-"There is a small garden in their back side."
(Koreans live in apartments and are unfamiliar with the concept of a "backyard.")

-"I stole the chickennuggit from my roommate. While I fled from him I choked on chicken."
(This was a translation drill. The original phrase was, of course, "I choked on the chicken nugget.")

-"Ironically, the most expensive things in my car are my Methmatics books, which are not stolen. That thief may not be a budding Mathematician." (This was also a translation drill. I would imagine a methmatics book would be valuable. Oddly, the student didn't have any trouble spelling "mathematician.")

-"I work more than 40 hours a week, take an evening course. Meanwhile, my bone is growing." (I really can't explain this one.)

-"This is the incontinent truth that we don't even feel like thinking about." (Inconvenient truth?)

-"Sometime, some testes will be come to them." (The student was talking about tests. This is a very common Korean error.)

-"Today wasn't a very good day because I have 4 testes today." (I warned you, didn't I?)

-"In a computer game, you will have to manage a group of slacker employees at a reproduction shop." (This was a translation drill. The "reproduction shop" was supposed to be a copy shop, not some sort of sex venue.)

-"I have a dream. Actually serevral dreams.
Those are the followings. My dreams of 2008!! There are 4 goals. First, lose my weight about 7kg to be able to wear mini skirt. Second, enter the graduate shool for English translation. Third, meet my ideal half who make true and pure love with me." (I didn't think she could top the Martin Luther King quote, but that last line made it all worthwhile.)

I hope these were amusing enough for you.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:46, 6 replies)

Apologies for off topic
*points to sig*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:30, 14 replies)

gah!
Did anyone else listen to the traffic report this morning with this qotw in mind?

"... resulting in a long tailback but both carriageways are now clear, and there's an upturned goods vehicle on the A69 which is causing all sorts of diversions..."

No?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:27, 2 replies)

this


is a packet of crayons found in a wetherspoons in sheffield last year

it was handed out with a kids meal and some colouring in
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:27, Reply)

Out the mouths of babes (not that sort you sick puppies)
One glorious day, the sun was shinning, the step kids had been surprisingly well behaved and little Mr Monkeyboy was feeling generous, "lets go to the sweet shop" he says.
So off we toddled to buy us some sweets, oh innocent joy.
In the shop, little Monkette points to the polos "Can I have those ones?"
"No, you can't, they're not sweets" (and I remember that small child plus unhealthy doses of laxative laced sweetners make for messy poo time)
"How about them?" she points to tic tacs on the shelf by the polos
"No dear, they're not sweets either"
Little Monkette then decides that she lives a life of misery. Her nasty step dad invites her to have sweets then denies her her choice. Little face begins to collapse, bottom lip quivers and in comes mum, just in time to see how badly stepdad treats her little baby.
"What's wrong darling"
"Daddy Monkey wont let me have anything from the top shelf"
Cue everyone in the shop going quiet for seconds followed by the sound of everyone trying to muffle the sound of their laughter, a sound which enrages little Monkette even more (all those nasty adults are laughing at her misfortune).
Stamps feet and shouts "BUT I WANT SOMETHING FROM THE TOP SHELF!"
Now, whole shop is in hysterics, little child bursts into tears and runs out, only to be comforted by purchase of tic tacs by mother (who, if you wanted to know, leaves me to deal with shit covered child later, thanks)

Note:for those who don't know how petrol station sweets are set up in Britain, the mint products all live on the top shelf of the confectionary section
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:25, 2 replies)

Pearoast
From four years ago, so you've probably long since forgotten about it if indeed you'd ever read it:

I was discussing allergies with a mate recently. I'd been taking antihistamines for hayfever and he commented that he doesn't get affected by it, except when driving by a field of oilseed rape. It wasn't so much the pollen that was the problem he said, more that he just thought the smell was particularly unpleasant.

Cue my response, just as everyone else in the room stopped talking simultaneously:

"Oh, I quite like the smell of rape!"

I had to spend the next few seconds referring to the agricultural crop in a loud voice.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:22, 2 replies)

Last episode of Rainbow
I don't know if anyone has posted this yet and I'm not entirely sure if it is true or not... But apparently the crew of Rainbow found out that the show was being cancelled, so they decided to do one final show.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyqEPgRc6IE
( Mellicious is made of candy, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:18, 6 replies)

Not accidental at all
But very very funny if there are loads of lads about - usually results in a lager spitting contest....

I quite like my make up. I particularly like a quite pricey brand that does interesting colours with interesting names that's similar to Turban Dick, eh?

They have a particularly fine lip gloss (and eyeshadow and eyeliner but that's not nearly so funny) in a very red shade called 'Gash'

Oh yes.

Cue all my mates in the pub having a conversation about my gash. How lovely and red and shiny it is, how nice it smells, and how nice it is I can get my gash out in the pub and they can all try a bit, and how it makes their lips all glossy......
A whole table of women asking to look at and smell your gash is quite amusing.


Causes much hilarity when we've all had a few. It's technical name is ultraglide which of course is even funnier......
(Beklet is inexplicably angry, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:14, Reply)

In the United States of America...
...some things just don't mean the same as they do here. So it's possible to ask someone if you can bum a fag and get all your teeth knocked out, for example. Now, this isn't my piece of unintended inneundo, but, frankly, it's one that I look at and think "How...?!"

I know it's traditional for children to be sent away to summer camp, and I know that the bushes at those camps are surrounded by heavy-breathing gents in raincoats, but there's no reason to be so honest about it: www.fiddlekids.com/

Or am I misreading this?
(davywavy, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:14, 2 replies)

I nearly forgot about this one...
My sister and I were having dinner in some gastro-pub one night when a couple came and sat at the table opposite us. When the waiter came over to take their order they made it very clear that the wife of the couple was a vegetarian and anything that touched her plate could not have touched an animal, etc, etc, blah, blah... When their order arrived much fussing was made by both of them by lifting the lid on her hamburger and poking the contents and then tasting it and I could see that they were not convinced it was a meat free substitute. They called the waiter over and as much as he protested it had never seen an animal in its life, the husband got increasingly irate and, at the top of his voice in a packed restaurant shouted 'I demand the manager come out and look at my wife's burger'.....

They nearly had to take me and my sister out of there in an ambulance... The waiter looked like his was going to burst his shite containing his laughter and the manager wasn't much better...

Happy days!
(Senora Veranos cannot and will not so ner..., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:12, 2 replies)

Attack the Pussy!
I used to be a teacher. I know that’s a bit of a scary thought, the Devil teaching, but there we are.

Anyway, I was teaching at a Drama School, and had been for about 6 months. I took three classes, for three different age groups, comprising of four different disciplines (Improv, Comedy, Classical and Modern). The remaining part of my work was directing the end-of-term showcase to which family members and, more importantly, agents would be invited.

I’d gone in to the school with some very heady ideas about discovering the ‘next big thing’, hoping that I’d find some very talented people with which to work.

It turned out that my hopes were way, way above the mark.

But enough of that. I was directing (aside from various sketches and songs) three scenes for group ensemble pieces. One was ‘Hair’ (for the 16-24’s), one was ‘Mary Poppins’ (for the 10-16’s), and one was ‘Cats’ for the 6-10’s.

In one rehearsal for ‘Cats’, I had just about had enough of the little shits in the class. I was tired of having to deal with their parents who kept assuring me that their offspring was the finest gift to the Theatre since Gielgud had first trodden the boards, and I was tired of the fact that, even with good luck and a following wind, the only person that was going to look rubbish was me. These kids weren’t even rubbish. What with every single one of them being the by product of their parents living vicariously through them, they were awful. (One incredulously asked me once “What would you know about acting and the theatre anyway?” A quick reply of “Oh, I don’t know, 10 years of Classical training, a degree, a published journal, three European tours, dozens of plays, 4 films and several TV shows would say that I’ve got a bit of experience, don’t you think?” seemed to shut them up.)

And so it came to pass that, while trying to inject some chutzpah in to the proceedings, I spake the following line:

“No, no, NO! Don’t just pull at it! You have to work it, but gently. Start with a little stroke. That’s it. Now, do it a little harder. Yes! No! Now, more frantically! Yes! Tug! Yank it! Now, all of you! GET IN THERE! Yes! Yes! Yes!”

I was, of course, directing a scene where the Cats attack each other. However, the boss did say that I ‘might want to be careful’ how I phrased myself in the future.

I don’t teach there any more...

(At the risk of sounding like a prat, you may now have worked out what it is I want to do with my life. Yes, I trained to be an actor, and yes, it’s all I really want to do. But, I lack the bravery to really give it a go...)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:11, 20 replies)

I only have myself to blame...
Every week I manage to say something completely innocent, yet highly 'carry on', in front of an entire office of men... Yesterday I excelled myself by passing some paper work back to my boss and he asked what the marks were on it. As my mouth began to flap before it consulted my brain I said 'I had a very juicy peach at lunchtime and I'm afraid it dribbled on your letters.....'. Cue 5 seconds of silence before the office erupted into a chorus of 'ooooh matrons'.

I also had to sort out an office sweepstake the other week and lost the hat to pull the names out of so I had to hold all the entries in my hand instead... Upon reaching my boss's desk (why GOD is it always him!?!?) he asked what I was doing.. Again flappy mouth before thinking brain I came out with 'Yes - I'm afraid I can't find the hat so I am having to give everyone a hand job instead'.....

Today being Friday the 13th I will probably just come out with random filthy tourettes as the pressure of not saying anything rude becomes too much throughout the day... It's going to be a hard and long one that's for sure.. DAMMIT!
(Senora Veranos cannot and will not so ner..., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:05, Reply)

In a lecture at Uni a few years ago..
Where I was studying for A Popular Music and Recording degree.. A very prim and propper female teacher was going through a series of composition techniques in front of our entire year group..she was explaining the importance of tension and release within a song and proceeded to explain in her best-hands folded in her lap position that (and I quote): 'a series of small climaxes over a period of time is much better than one big climax straight away!'-I swear as she said this she specifically eye balled the male members of our year group..

A year on after graduation and I'm still temping in a dull and feckless office job..god bless my stupid Mickey Mouse Music degree yaaaaaaay!!
(misshotlips, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:04, Reply)

In your end? Oh.
On the way to our weeks holiday in Scotland, the family and I stopped off at a small village for the night to essentially break the lengthy journey in two. There were a few pubs, a nice restaurant and a cozy B&B to keep us occupied for the night.

The next morning, we went downstairs and ate our full English breakfast, and then got our stuff together, ready to leave. In the hallway, the Scottish couple decided to have a chat with my mother, and honestly, I thought they were both a little strange.

"Have you seen my husband's organ?" the woman asked.

My mum was red in the face, giggling like a school girl afterwards. Old school innuendo isn't that funny, is it? Either that, or sites like b3ta and their Sickipedia spin-off site are making me a lot less sensitive to sex-related stuff like that. I wouldn't have it any other way...
(Roll Fizzlebeef enjoys a good Cleveland Steamer, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:02, Reply)

The tale of Kaol and the undesired child-molesting
A re-write of something I posted before. But now can't find.

A couple of months back, as is my custom on a Thursday, I went to the newsagents to get a copy of New Scientist.

The same girl was on the till as usual, pretty, about the same age as me, and a bit of flirting ensued, as usual.

There were some noisy children running up and down the stairs, shouting, banging about.

As I was chatting to her, I frowned over at them and muttered, slightly too loudly, and with a little too much venom:
"I hate fuckin' kids".

I realised what I'd said, went rather red, as she bit her lip, shuddering with supressed laughter.

I left quickly.

I was back in the shop the other day, and she was working.
I saw her nudge a fellow till-girl, point clearly at me and say "It's that 'fucking kids' guy!"
At which they both started laughing.

*frowns*
( Cawl, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 9:58, 3 replies)

just stick it in and let's get it over with
Sexual Health clinic. Check-up. HIV test. The nurse brandishes a needle and finally locates a vein:
"Okay, bit of a prick..."
Uhuh, that's exactly why I'm here.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 9:50, Reply)

At a family meal....
My parents, 2 aunts and their respective offspring are sitting round the table, conversation flows inbetween mouthfulls of my Mum's delicious Sunday roast.
Then my cousin, unable to finish all of his topside of beef asks...

"Would anyone like some of my meat?"
(Vic Flange, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 9:43, Reply)

Luftwaffe
I didn’t know that R was married and had kids. I didn’t know that those kids were old enough to be into Airfix models but not old enough to complete them themselves.

How, then, was I to know that, one bored evening working on the bar, when R yawned and complained that he’d much rather be at home painting the Messerschmitt, he wasn’t being unutterably filthy?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 9:41, 4 replies)

I'm on the train to London
I got such a thrill when we entered the Box tunnel. Everything went dark for a moment. What a way to come!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 9:37, 11 replies)

One I decided to share with the entire office.....
I was moving desks into an all male open plan office at work and one of the gents kindly offered to carry my computer for me. He got to my new desk and shouted across the office
"shall I put it under your desk?"

yep you can see whats coming...

"No I like it on top" I shout back. Yep a year later and i'm still known as the girl who likes to be on top
(la la la la, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 9:32, Reply)

Last week: 13 pages total.
This week: 14 pages in less than a day.

We're certainly giving it all we've got.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 9:30, 11 replies)

right then
I know this is not even in the same room as the topic but fuck it it's friday and it's not everyday you get a letter from her Maj...

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

------------------------
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
------------------------
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. 
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf.
The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of  -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. 
If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. 
Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. 
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. 
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. 
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. 
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a  Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed  with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. 
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). 
Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. 
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high  quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 9:30, 10 replies)