Can anyone actually beat,
with your hand on your heart,

"You're such a pig-fucker, Terence!"

Purest comedy gold. Go on, admit it...


Woo First Post!
( DrPrunesquallor is determined to post more as of, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:25, Reply)

Does anyone remember the Henrik Teigen webpage?
Back in 2000 someone put up a page with a pair of real fuglies from Norway (allegedly) called Henrik Teigen and his sister Randi.

The site was obviously a fake, but myself and a member of the development team spent a happy day in hysterics with tears rolling down our faces reading the insulting guestbook entries.

The ones that stuck out most in my mind were.

"I'd like to f*ck your sister up the ass and then blow her brains out with a .45"

"You C*NT"

and

"You and your sister are so ugly you could both eat an apple through a tennis racket"
(Vic Flange, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:23, Reply)

I'd like to thank Rip Torn in Dodgeball.....
".....like a bunch of spacks trying to hump a door knob."

"...as useful as a cock-flavoured popsickle."

to name but two :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:12, Reply)

Not sure if this is a local insult
Most people i know regularly call idiots a 'REMMER'

....as in they work at REMPLOY
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:12, Reply)

Nover uttered out loud, but frequently written....
*takes deep breath*

You syphilitic shit-eating son of a baboon whore, festering in your own decomposing gastric juices, marinated in the cum of a thousand lepers, whilst your whorish mother looks on and weeps in shame at the foul, venereal stinking mess that clawed its untimely way from her womb, as she wishes that the backstreet abortion she tried with a rusty coathanger had worked, instead of producing the fucked up piece of slimy excrement that you are today.


I used to work in advertising sales. That (and similar ones) would crop up in the files of particularly difficult clients.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:05, Reply)

similar in construction to mongtard
Smacktard

Acting so retarded you just wanna smack the person.
( teknikl, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:04, Reply)

again heard once on teh boardz....
"...you could fuck up a wet dream."

Excellent :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:04, Reply)

You know it's time for a hair cut when...
..you're walking along minding your own business and two kids pass you on their bikes and shout "hairball!". cheeky bastards.
( darth munki is flipping livid, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:55, Reply)

Knuckle-mick-spazmatron!
Yes its from the sponge bob movie, I just like the sound of it!
(Revilo, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:52, Reply)

I was watching some porn on steakandcheese.com...
.. a couple of years ago, and it consisted of an ugly bloke with a gut being sucked off by a mediocre slapper.
One of the comments under the video was interesting though..

"That guy has a dog's dick"
(Vic Flange, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:52, Reply)

bastards!
Personal favs include Fucktard, Cockbag and Cuntsucker, while I like to save Thundercunt for those 'special' people.

Also, my girlfriend tells me when she was at uni some young herbert, upon seeing he carrying her books, called her 'Brainiac' in an abusive tone. Yep, insulted for being intelligent. She never really recovered and was so distraught she has gone on to study a PhD.

Alsoer, I once saw a young lady being shouted at by your typical lager boy who clearly thought he was God's gift. The girl had had enough and turned round to shout "YOU THINK YOUR SO CLEVER.........BUT YOUR NOT!"

Woah, that showed him.
(FerretTrout be illin', Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:51, Reply)

Far too many to mention
I have loads, but some particular favourites

"The best part of you went running down your Dad's leg"

"You look like your face has been set on fire and put out with a cricket bat"

"I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire"

"I hope both your arms fall off and your arse starts itching"

"Oi Ugly (person turns round) Not you! Your fucking ugly!"
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:48, Reply)

Perhaps somebody...

...could draw up a league of 'most repeated insults from this QOTW'?

I personally can't be arsed...but perhaps there's some spunkbubble / thundercunt / fuck knuckle / jizzmonkey / spino / pleb / flid / Joey / cameltoe / mong / turd tickler / cock-jockey / fucktard with bugger-all else to do today?

No? Ah well...just a thought
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:46, Reply)

Huzzah for Blackadder :D
"You wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'subtle plans are here again"

"Aaah, courtiers to the Queen, you're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl."
"Better a 'lapdog to a slip of a girl', than a... Git."

"The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he?"

"I wasn't born yesterday, you know."
"More's the pity, we could have started your personality from scratch."

"Sir, you are one of the most foul, disgusting, immoral, perverted men that I have ever known. Have you considered a career in the church?"

"The chances of you getting a girlfriend are lower than the ankle socks on a particularly short gnat. Who is standing in a ditch. In a valley. In the low-country."

"You know what would cheer you up? A Charlie Chaplain film! Oh I love old chappers, don't you?"
"Unfortunately no, I don't. I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it."

"A conversation with you, and death loses it's sting."

"May the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment"

"She's got the worst personality in Germany. And as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition."

"He's about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house."

\o/
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:46, Reply)

Saw it a while back on the board. Someone said; "you have a face like a burning orphanage!". HAHA! I was in hysterics for 20 mins! nearly shat meself! (still makes me laugh now)

Also the 'dodger' insult is a fave of mine, like; 'soap dodger', 'grave dodger' etc...
(Lexachu A buh? no, not a buh, a bomb!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:44, Reply)

at one time
at Uni, my mate described his current shag as a 'cock hungry whore'. Although I dont particularly think thats entirely bad.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:40, Reply)

can every other post today be
'cock juggling thundercunt' please?
i don't think that one has been posted enough yet

ta
(big fat cocks, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:39, Reply)

One kid at school
called me "ingorant"

I prefer "Get fucked, Slagheap"
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:34, Reply)

Dykey!
The kids on an estate I used to live on called me strap-on. I assume it was because I had very short hair and lived with my best mate who also had short hair.

It was amusing as I didn't know they were aware of such things.
( girlinthehole, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:33, Reply)

well,
there was this kid who used to call me "playboy!" all the time. even after i explained to him what it really meant. i feel kinda sorry for him, he really tried hard to insult me you know!
( Mr. Johnson, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:30, Reply)

I do exactly the same as Evil-blokey two posts below....
When I randomly decide to start arguing with the wife, we both invent combo swear words.

Jizzum-squirrel, Twat-ninja and Fuck-biscuit have been heard to emminate from our house on many a fine afternoon.

Also in work, a guy called Chris was randomly insulting me so I decided to shout out "Shut it you.....you...HAT." Rather surprisingly, the name stuck and many people call him that now. I've also managed to convince other workers that someone was secretly a morris dancer, and thus was called "Morris" for his troubles for the entire duration of his employement here. Oops.

Me and a manager did go one better. One of the guys in HR had been assigned to helping our team out and we found out fairly quickly that he was completely fucking useless at everything he did, other than the ability to wear a suit. So I happened to be speaking to me manager about his lack of being able to do anything, and he comes up with the nickname "He's a pube. Nobody really know what it does, just like him." Thus Pube was born, and anytime we'd ask about something to do with the HR suit-wearing gimp we'd refer to him as Pube.
This went on for a few months, until suddenly Pube handed his notice in and we never saw him again. Me manager attends an area management meeting with some company big-wigs, and the topic of him leaving is brought up as a meeting bulletin. The top-end manager turns around and says "What, Pube's left?" No wonder the poor sod left, being reffered to as organ-fluff by everyone would eventually want to make you consider your career options.

LENGTH? I was taking about the bush around it, you weren't paying attention at all.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:29, Reply)

Phil the builder
Phil's latest insult, I love this one:

"You fucking Merrick!"

Chortle.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:28, Reply)

Bifta - Gay insults?
I like those. May I add:

Marmite miner
Uphill gardener
Fudge packer

My favourite retorts when these are used against me are usually "speak for yourself, you're as camp as a row of tents!" if it is a bloke, or "well, your boyfriend is as gay as a handbag full of rainbows!" if it is a woman.

Both of these tend to stop them dead.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:25, Reply)

From the dim and distant past
WAZZOCK!
( girlinthehole, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:13, Reply)

DIE OZBOURNE DIE
I used to use 'cocksmith' all the time - simple, brilliant and oh so english (for some reason)

Till that fat swamp donkey daughter of Ozzy Ozbourne used it on some 3rd rate pop quiz type tv show - I was mortified and have refused to utter it since. Insults are a very personal thing that you savour and relish when you unleash them - with perfect timing it's almost like poetry

She ruined it. Completely took away it's magic. I don't think I have ever recovered.

You're on my fucking list Kelly Ozbourne
(TheManofScience, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 9:00, Reply)

Scrubber Daily
When i was about 10 a kid in the neighbourhood used to constantly call me "SCRUBBER DAILY!!". I never quite understood what it meant. Even to this day. Now technically a scrubber would mean someone who scrubs a lot. So what do a I scrub a lot? Myself? Meaning im very clean? And Daily must mean on a daily basis. So thank you Mr whoever you were. I was clean and presentable on a daily basis.

Im Fucking not now, cant be arsed!
(Miggyman, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 8:58, Reply)

Ah-Sole
A few years back, just turned 30, I was really into karate and achieved my Black belt..

Anyway, the main core of karate is "kata", a group of set piece moves including kicks and spins, jumps and punches.. you get the idea.

To practice, you can't exactly do it in the living room - unless you want to put your foot in the telly.. you need plenty of space.. so I visited the local park, taking my 2 dogs with me.

There was nobody about, so I started to practice, focusing and losing myself in the motions..while my dogs had a mooch about.

The next thing I heard was a lad no older than 7, holding a football shout to me..

"Oi... Karate Boy ".

1) A lad of 7.. calling a man of 30 "Karate Boy"..???

2) Does it really make sense to take the p!ss out of somebody doing karate??

He went on.. "Are you gonna kick your dogs in the head"?

Rolling my eyes, I left the park..

Years from now, as he grows up, he will be able to tell his grandchildren of the day he beat a black belt with a single insult.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 8:58, Reply)

your all gay and full of bollocky shite
(teasus likes tea, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 8:54, Reply)

in the supermarket a couple of months back
I was in the same aisle as this 10 year old ish boy, and I needed to fart. "why the hell not" thinks I "it'll probably mak his day". So I let rip and it's pretty good. Boy stops dead in his tracks and tries really hard not to laugh. I catch his eye and he says accusingly and in a thick-as-soup cornish accent "farterman" and runs away twittery giggling.
I laughed till the tears rolled down my trouserleg I tell you.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 8:52, Reply)