Football Fans
I have the pleasure of owning a season ticket to a top flight Premiership Football team. I have the displeasure of sitting amongst some of the most bigotted, prejudiced, ill mannered, uneducated, illiterate moronic dickwads I have ever heard.

During a recent match, a european qualifier, their goalie was being a a bit of a drama queen. My neighbour decided to shout "get up you fucking dirty twat". I pointed out to him that the goalie was Italian and that he wouldnt really understand.

Apparently I missed the point entirely and I am a stupid fucking eye-tye loving monkey fucking twat.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:30, Reply)

`
You have as much sex appeal as a road accident
(Vic Flange, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:29, Reply)

On the pull
I have to admit to asking "do you fancy me love ?" when seeing a lass at a drinking establishment and if the answer is no saying "strange the ugly ones usually do ".
(Syndex, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:25, Reply)

best mans speech
I managed to include the following in a recent Best Mans speech.

"... I visited Steve in his new flat, I found out that he had taken up magic as an attempt to attract women. I'll admit, i was worried. Things had got desperate.

Which brings us nicely to today."

Should have heard the tutting.... took quite a while to apologise.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:24, Reply)

The wonderful, loving and mature Mr Vorlon recently called me


"Choady the choad-licking walrus"*

/weep

*Check Urban Dictionary for definition of choad
(Vorlon, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:21, Reply)

My mates are often fairly creative with insults
The best I've heard is "cock mollusc". It's a beautiful juxtaposition of two fairly inoffensive words to create an utterly revolting image that makes it so effective.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:18, Reply)

got a shag
Used to tease a salesgirl at work who was semi-fit, and good for banter. Took it too far one day and said to her I found her "sexless".

she went fucking mental. Then that weekend felt obliged to prove it wasnt true. I agreed.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:17, Reply)

Playground Insults
My friend, Martin, always used to say of people who exhibited traits of the mong that they "Looked like they'd been chasing parked cars"
(Vic Flange, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:16, Reply)

what the
at school, about 14, not the biggest kid in the year, and there were kids in the years below bigger than me. Got in to an argument with a group of them and i ended up stutteringly replying... "erm, fuck off yer.. yer.. fuckin... jeb!"

Jeb? What the fuck is a jeb? I had no idea and they thought it was hilarious.

Every time i walked past one of them for the next 4 years, they would go, "Hi." comedy pause - "Jeb" and snigger.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:12, Reply)

boys and girls
I caught a bunch of kids throwing stones from an overpass and trying to hit cars. There were about 6 of them aged about 8-11. They looked hard as fook if i'm being honest, all shaved heads and with a look in the eye that said violence was a daily routine.

Without thinking I barged over to them and stared the thrower in the face. They crowded round me. I noticed he was dressed a bit different to the others, and wore lighter clothes and something occured to me; "what the fuck are you doing you stupid little girl?" I asked, convincingly pretending to have mistaken him for a girl.

Thats all they needed to instantly forget what their most recent activities were, he was mortified, his mates were beyond themselves. They all ran off chasing the girl... hysterical. I like to think he's a bit messed up because of that today. Although I fear his parents probably did that well before me.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:08, Reply)

Oooh another one...
About a friend of mine who had annoyed everyone who lived with him...
"He must Communicate using Smell"

Kudos to my housemate for that one... Short but still achingly funny to me...
( Spenface ALWAYS hangs in the Buffalo Stance, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:07, Reply)

My Late Grandfather...
.. told me during WW2 his battallion used to sing a little ditty to anyone who'd pissed them off or otherwise annoyed them.

I cant for the life of me remember the whole thing but the last lines were.

"Let us Crown him for his wit,
Not with Laurels but with Shit"

Remember it was the 1940s - there was a war on you know.
(Vic Flange, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:06, Reply)

Sexual indeterminacy
Travelling in Cambodia a couple of years ago, I was sat atop one of the temples (I forget which) to watch the sunset. There was a lot of other tourists doing the same, and a lot of locals trying to sell stuff to us.

Directly in front of me was someone who was, er, not the best looking person on the planet. One of the local kids stood facing her and asked, "Are you a man or a woman?".

It was a fair question: my companions and I couldn't tell either. But we all almost fell off the temple laughing.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:05, Reply)

Po' white trash
You're so poor, you watch telly on an Etch-A-Sketch.
( gypsy turnips, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:02, Reply)

To a swearer:
"Do you kiss your mum with that tongue?"
( wangmaster2000, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:00, Reply)

Might not work verbally, but here goes
When a student, a friend of mine developed a riposte to being given the finger, which was simply to raise her middle three fingers (in a cub-scout sign kind of way, but knuckles out) and say, "In brackets".

Swiftly adopted by all...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:00, Reply)

One from my cousin
My cousin Stephen used to call me a Slimey Reptile and pat me on the head...although I'm not sure if this was an insult, or a term of endearment.
(NJ, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:00, Reply)

Coupla Mine
Subtle...
'You are a Prince amongst Kings'

'Did you Parents have any healthy Kids?'

Rudish...
'Ahhh the first child born of Anal Copulation.'

But my Current Fave:
'You do this for free... The circus usually charges me 50p to see things like you'
Which can be shortened to the Simple.
'Circus Ugly'

And all without any Cunting Swears...
( Spenface ALWAYS hangs in the Buffalo Stance, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:58, Reply)

Even though I'm a boy...
I wear earrings, because I like to adorn my ears, they're just so plain without them.

Anyway, my little nephew used to use 'Girlhead' as an insult. To him it was worse than Bum, Poo AND Wee! Well, OK, he was 5 at the time.

So on one of my cousin's wedding days, after the garter throwing, said nephew somehow ends up wearing the garter as a sweatband. So in a vain bid for humour I called him a Girlhead. Well, he was wearing a garter as a sweatband after all, wasn't he?

His reply? "No, YOU'RE the Girlhead, you wear earrings!"

He shouted it at the perfectly timed gap in the music, didn't he?

Never have I been so perfectly insulted in all my life. He did it all; he turned the tables on my insult, made me look foolish, used impeccable timing and was humourous.

It was such a perfect put-down I'm proud to have been on the receiving end.
(Woodgie is back, but for how long?, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:58, Reply)

Nabis Meshugna
was a regular insult battered about the place when i was a nipper i think it roughly translates as lame troublemaker, ahhh the innocence of youth and strangley none of us were jewish, today my favourites are still those you can use in everyday company like fruitloop, crazy horse, nutbar, guffnut , dustbin face, oversized growbag, or great big chuffing cleg bead.
(nothin, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:47, Reply)

Not really an attempt at an insult but more an observation
Met a girl at a club whilst "wing-manning" for a mate who I noted "looked like that guy from the film 'seven'. You know the one that was tied to a bed for something like a year".
Has now spread into wider circulation as "lazy cunt from seven".

She really did as well
(Monkeyofspong, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:47, Reply)

Reviews 2
As leningrad cowboy correctly points out, there's some corking insults from film critics.

On Kevin Costner's utterly shit "end of the world, but the mail still needs to be delivered" opus, The Postman...

"Post apocolyptic Pat."

And a particular fave from a couple of weeks ago from The Onion, while reviewing the Bratz movie...

"This is why the terrorists hate us."

Succinct.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:39, Reply)

Kit-kats
A friend of mine went into the late night garage. The obnoxious fat woman who worked there was serving...

"Can I have a Kit-Kat Chunky?"

She brought him over a Kit-Kat Chunky.

"What's this? I asked for a Kit-Kat."
(lofichic, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:29, Reply)

Christmas round my Nan's, 2002 i think...
Alll the family were round, including my uncle Jeff. My Dad has a MAJOR problem with Jeff, quite simply because Jeff is a cunt. And what's more, he think's he's a funny cunt, but oh no Jeff, you are in fact merely a cunt.

Anyway, so whilst eating christmas dinner round the table, my dad happens to spill a small amount of wine down the left side of his shirt. Jeff spots this and immediately sees it as an opportunity to create a few laughs and embarrass my Dad at the same time - "Jean, can you fetch Kev a bib? He's having some problems" (points to my dad's afformentioned stain). Cue a small amount of laughter from most family members (some just out of politeness i think).

However, Jeff's not satisfied, and tries to take this joke for all it's got - " Shame you didn't get any new shirts for Christmas Kev! haha".

No Laughter at all at this feeble second attempt at humour.

My Dad smiles and leans forward..

"Oh, you're not always funny then.."

HAHAHA. So simple yet so brilliant. not even any need for swearing!

My Dad is a legend :)
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:25, Reply)

My mate
Well I say mate - we used to call him Thrush - 'cause he's an irritating c*nt
(amishvanhelden, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Or..
Carrying on with the sex theme on women...

If they say:

"It's OK - I've the coil fitted"

Come back with:

"Coil fitted? - You could have fucking carpets fitted...."


/nods to Chubby Brown....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:25, Reply)

When you really want to insult someone....
and give everyone around you a giggle, just ask the loud-mouthed cockmaster over in the corner:

"Do you suck your mother's cock with that mouth?"

This insult has everything... your mum, her questionable sexuality, incest. What more could you want?
(Punkygirl, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:24, Reply)

Not sure it's an insult
My favourite:

"you are the least benigtedly unintelligent inorganic life-form it's been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid knowing"
(penrose your dog's got tits, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:18, Reply)

Men!
If you want to insult a women whist performing oral sex.

Just say - Hang on, theres an echo.
( girlinthehole, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:16, Reply)

bajskorv
When I was in Sweden, I stayed with a family there. The older of the 2 sons would call his younger brother "bajskorv" all the time. This translates to "poop sausage" and always made me smirk a little.

I swear I've told this one here before....
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:15, Reply)