My favourites are from a certain animated movie
Donky raping shit eater

Shit faced cock master
(dr-kill, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 13:09, Reply)

Now that dperren mentions physics teachers...
... my own was a legend. His favourites were:

- deviant, usually screamed in response to a wrong answer or having not done your homework - "you DEVIANT!" Usually in conjunction with...
- little herbert
- person of minimal intellect (unusually PC for him)
He probably would have said "waste of a good abortion" too.

My Latin teacher used to call everyone "flossy" regardless of gender.

I went to school with a girl who used the charming expression "sweating like a paedophile in Mothercare".

My favourites at the moment include "cunt of a flying cunt" which I inherited from an ex-housemate, "country music fan", "care in the community" (shared with my mum), "Gary Glitter", and "spazzhands".
( Maladicta, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 13:08, Reply)

When discussing
an unattractive lady
"Ooh not even with yours"
(kitescreech still here, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 13:00, Reply)

McDonalds
Not sure if Im being paranoid here. I rarely go to Maccas, but when I do I find whatever I order needs to be brought over. I'll be honest, Im a bit of a salad dodger and the staff always say "Sorry about your wait" - I always wonder if its "Weight" they mean - anyone able to illuminate me here ?

big hammer for a big nail etc
(kitescreech still here, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 12:49, Reply)

Physics
My physics teacher at school was a complete ledgend. He was generally profane and hilarious - he is the only teacher I've ever seen call a student a cunt. His crowning moment however, was when one of my good friends asked a particularly stupid question. Said teacher replies: "For fucks sake dperrensfriend, you're a waste of a good abortion".

Everyone felt the burn.
(Merrep, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 12:44, Reply)

whilst working with little american shits
at camp i had to tone down my "technician mouth"

this one wasn't invented by me, but an arrogant mancy mank: Chazwogger

god knows what it meant, but it sounded fun.

the word that i was using lots was Cockmuffin
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 12:40, Reply)

I once called someobe "jaffa"
Imagine the scene. Me, and the GF sitting in the pub, quietly having a drink. An old schoolfriend walks in with his other half. I yell out "Jaffa" (his old nick name). He looks around. Both GFs (mine and his) look at me in confusion. When I explain, the girls both piss themselves laughing.


The explanation? Well, the Jaffa oranges are seedless. Sure you can work out the rest.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 12:21, Reply)

Letter to a magazine.
...Which began "You are gay. You have AIDS" and finished "Fuck you with AIDS. PS. May your children be born dead."
I suspect he was a bit peeved.

Also, "You evil piece of Fuck."
"What are you gong to do for a face when King Kong wants his arse back?"
"Pigfondler!"
(Big D, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 12:11, Reply)

Yeah...
When I was younger (much) I called my sister a 'cigar'. She was strangely offended by this. Result!

The absolute worst insult: 'you fetid pile of knob cheese'. Classy, yet indescribably crass.
(satellite blows, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 12:07, Reply)

Hats off to Grandpa Simpson
On Homer's first day of school "You're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a stranger offers you a ride -I say take it!"

Also, a friend wrote on a canal bridge wall "RS is a fat fucking silly fucking fat fucking wanker" I can remember it after 14 years due to it's lovely melody.
(Cryptoprocta has abandoned the username of Voodoo Mary, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 12:00, Reply)

Legendry insults
Two to tell here:

1. While at uni during the OTC summer camp there was this one girl who unfortunately for her was given the imortal nickname 'Zoiberg' (after the character from Futurama. This is because of her rather large (and hairy) top lip. Basically when she was out of earshot we would put our hand over our mouths like the character's tentacles and proceed to make the noises like the character/quote line from the show. If anyone has seen the episode when they end up in the past and Zoiberg is captured in Area 51, they'll know which sounds we were doing!

2.Whilst over here in Poland my friend messaged me with the following insult after I told him 'you'll fuck anything in a skirt with a pulse!' to which he replied 'whereas you'd fuck anything that moves. When you come to my house, my fish stop swimming!'

Classic ;-)
(Polish bstard, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 11:56, Reply)

More...
They threw the wrong bit away when you were born!

You have a cunt like Tonto's saddlebags!

She had a twat like....
a ravaged windsock

a torn out fireplace

a wizard's sleeve

Oh... and a witty retort to any insult:

"Oi cunt!...Sticks and stones may break my bones....but whips and chains excite me!"


I Thank you.
(frightfullybored, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 11:38, Reply)

Insults
"I couldn't f*ck you with a stolen dick lady"

Jeez...he was sweating like ......
a scouser in Dixons
a gerbil in a gay bar
an Alabama darkie on a rape charge
a darkie trying to cash a bad cheque

All the above tend to provoke extreme reactions in the right circumstances :)

BTW...Never ever ask the "five to two-er" bird you pulled in the night club: "C'mon babe, fart and gimme a clue!"
(frightfullybored, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 11:31, Reply)

This Was Why I Was Picked On In School.
In school, I took graphic design lessons, because of a wonderfully tangential teacher, who could be provoked to ramble on about anything and subsequently never teach us.

When we took our mock exams he realised how far his rambling put us behind the syllabus, and so he found an old cheat sheet for us to review before we started our tests. It was a quick recap of what we were meant to have learned. It was "idiot-proof", he said. Many times over.

I had a bit of a rivalry with the kid that sat next to me in class, and caught everyone off-guard when I asked the teacher to hand him two idiot-proof sheets.

"Two sheets?"
"Yes. He's so much of an idiot that he'll need the second sheet of paper as his back-up plan."
(Master Kazoo é?, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 11:26, Reply)

grammar
swiftyisnotevil;

""Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!""

can I just point out that it's very bad form to end a sentence with a preposition - of course, it should read "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, you vile cunt"

thankyou
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 11:14, Reply)

Dearly departed...
John Peel was once told "If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave its arse and walk it backwards!"
(Roger Darce sold his birthright for a mess of pottage, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 11:10, Reply)

Obstreperous Bucolic Troglodyte
This was a favourite of the foreman I worked for when I had a vacation job on a cucumber plantation in the hinterland of a city in Northern England that is dear to some B3tards' hearts.

I don't know where he picked it up from and he was only a little dis-chuffed when I enlightened him as to, roughly, what it meant.

In context is was actually not much of an insult - when applied to some of our co-workers it was fair comment on at least two counts.
( Aardvark Never, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 10:34, Reply)

"You've got a reek radius like a nuclear fallout. Cockroaches curl up and die when meeting you."
COLIN AND THE FOUL COLON:

I sent everyone in our workplace an essay-long email, chock full with mock science, explaining how someone in our store, if provoked, would smell so badly that they had "a reek radius like a nuclear fallout". I explained in depth (with a mathematical equation hypothesised to estimate his stinkiness, "Rivers' Law of Dynamic Funkiness") how the factors of temperature, humidity, his stress level, the length of time since he showered and since he ate determined the radius of stench around his sweaty and porcine body, and how people could become deformed/burned to a crisp by his radioactive stink, if exposed for too long. He'd always eat PukkaPies on his break, and so anything that stank in that store became known as a "PukkaPong", inspired by the aforementioned chunky monkey.
(Master Kazoo é?, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 10:21, Reply)

The Man, The Legend, The Yarp.
These stories entail a particular customer of our humble game store, who works over in the McDonald's across the street.

THE INTRODUCTIONS:
This customer liked me. If he walked past the store and saw me inside, he would barge into the store, wave at me (from a distance of ten feet) and shout HELLO. I noticed he existed, and became his "friend". Out of his earshot, I gave him the nickname "Yarp" due to his striking (mental) resemblance to "Lurch" from Hot Fuzz.

THE FIRST INSULT AIMED AT HIS FACE:
Yarp walks up to the counter and holds a game in his hand. "Is this good?"
Without missing a beat and keeping eye contact and a smile on my face, I retort, "No, that's a bad choice for you. You're holding a game that involves thinking."

THE SECOND INSULT TO HIS FACE:
Yarp blathered on about something that resulted in my equal and opposite reaction of sarcastic excitement, with wild head bobbing. A real case of the uh-huhs and mm-hmms. He didn't catch onto this and I eventually gave up and said to him, "I'm sorry, but right now intellectual osmosis* is occuring; I'm going to go take my lunch break now."
"Okay. Can I come?"
"For the sake of future generations, I hope not."

THE UNFAIR INSULT OUT OF NOWHERE:
One day, Yarp walks into the store and I was having a bad day, and just seeing him sent me over the edge, and I said at a voice level that showed I was apathetic if he was in or out of earshot: "Why the hell haven't they turned him into twenty chicken nuggets yet? He'd serve a better purpose that way."

He figured that one out later, I was told. It broke his heart a little bit. I was the winner.

*Original source: Acts of Gord.
(Master Kazoo é?, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 9:54, Reply)

ninjas

(jangaaaal shes lost control..., Sat 6 Oct 2007, 9:41, Reply)

To someone with a beard:

"You know what? Just because you've got a beard doesn't mean you can be a cunt."


Utterly meaningless but fantastic.
(conby whinemoansleep, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 9:29, Reply)

"the heartbreak kid"
someone gets called a "great big wet flapping douchebag"

for some reason this made me laugh so much i dropped my popcorn. damn ben stiller and all his kind.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 9:28, Reply)

stupidhead
I have 4 nieces and 2 nephews, as you can imagine when they were younger they argued. a lot.
The youngest of them are twins, once while they were having a row about who got to stroke the dog or go and crash in the go-kart, or something along those lines.

I've never before seen somebody reduced to tears by the words "you STUPIDHEAD".
I did laugh.
(jangaaaal shes lost control..., Sat 6 Oct 2007, 9:22, Reply)

City Slickers
"If hate were people I'd be China"
(kitescreech still here, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 9:14, Reply)

Gaming
As a wargamer Ive heard (and come up with) a few over the years.
"Im gonna beat you like a Balinese Whore"
"the only Language you understand is the language of failure"
"Dont point at me you creepy bastard"
"Fuck off you cunt"
"Jesus hates you and so do I"
(kitescreech still here, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 9:11, Reply)

Taking Employees down a peg or two
Working for HM finest flying machines (the ones with guns) affords me some management type experience and i frequently berate the lesser of my bunch.

My two favourites are "Who put ten pence in you?" and "Who threw you a bone? fuckoff and fetch"

Normally ends up in them muttering something under their breath and walking away hurrah!


Click i like this if you want to keep a b3ta virgin happy (we're a dying breed y'know)
(BillBaileysBeard has been itching since, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 8:54, Reply)

Irritating Customers
"Catch you next Tuesday" was one we used. Look at the initials.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 8:27, Reply)

Fairly Mild and Gentle if not Fluffy

Last time I saw a face like yours it had a jockey looking over it!

tara
(riccardo the exotic, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 7:05, Reply)

The Earl of Sandwich once had occassion to remark to me
"Egad Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox."

I quickly replied

"Sir, you're a fat cunt and I fucked your Mum."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 6:33, Reply)

one of my acquaintances said this, to a guy who was coming on to him.
Look - I'm on an e, and I still don't find you attractive.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 5:12, Reply)