I like to insult
dumb/idiotic/ retarded customers with "Cock socket" as they leave the shop.

I also like having a happy moan, that darkens as I continue talking, always ending with the word 'Cunt'.
Always guarantees a laugh from my workmate.
(Temper, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 15:34, Reply)

To a person with a goatee beard
You have a face like Lassie's Bum
Succinct I think, and so easy to use.
(The Hooded Bean is in my pants Can't resist a Fanny/Tranny Joke, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 15:33, Reply)

Silly Fat People
At my Weight Watchers weigh-in this lunchtime the leader called the woman in front of me a dozy old tickle. Lucky she didn't say it to me or she would have more to deal with than a few extra pounds.
(neveryoumind, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 15:31, Reply)

Done in the Ghost
Not sure where it came from but i think me and my flatmates come up with it after being hung over and watching the bill cosby film (probably oscar winning) Ghost dad.

Its pretty versitile, could be used to describe what you did to someone last night, or they could look like they've been done in the ghost. but it was funnier when it was expanded. cause no one really knew what it meant we were able to build it up. so if one of our flatmates said they did a chick int eh ghost last night then someone could come out with "where did you find a pig and a belt sander at that time of night". or how many limbs did you use, the more imaginative the better.
(Hello?, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 15:26, Reply)

On foreign insults
Some insults from sunny Gibraltar (I cannot spell in spanish sorry)

Me cago en tus putas muertos y lo disfusta - I shit on you prostitute dead and enjoy it.

Me cago on diez : corrupted from I shit on god (dios) to I shit on ten

Mal ala leche : your mothers breast milk was bad

me cago en tus leche : I shit in your mothers breast milk

You have to appreciate the beauty of latin languages
(Syndex, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 15:07, Reply)

Joey Deacons Mate
Ape Hots - Joeys friend was called Ernie not Peter you flaming DEACON!
(jonnyninetails, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 14:44, Reply)

Counter from PJM
No, Joey Deacon's brother was called "Peter". His translating mate was Ernie Roberts.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Deacon
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 9 Oct 2007, 14:43, Reply)

Response to PJM
Sorry! I know it's really anal, but Joey Deacon's mate was called Peter.
There! Now I feel chuffed!
(ape_hots, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 14:32, Reply)

Persian Insults
Probably been done, but among my favourites are:

Kiram too ajdadet: My cock in your ancestors!

Meshosham beh seebillet: I piss on your moustache!

Kiram too roohet: My dick in your soul!

Goozidam too cheshmet: I fart in your eye!

Tu kooneh mollah chapeh beshi: May you be shoved into the ass of a Mullah!

(I use them as inappropriatly and as often as possible of course)
Delicious!

full list here:
www.insultmonger.com/swearing/persian.htm
(strangekat what are birds? we just don't know., Tue 9 Oct 2007, 14:22, Reply)

Stolen, I know!
"75"
As in the warden in one of the Alien series who's IQ was as above.
I have used it in the "well, don't blame him/her you know they're 75ish"

S'pose you had to be there.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 14:10, Reply)

South Park the Movie
I find that this film provides a veritable range of insults. Apart from the classic "Uncle Fucker", I find that "Fuck you, right in the ear" tends to do nicely.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 14:10, Reply)

My dad and roadrage
After being overtaken by some twat in a convertable, he proceeded to chase him in the mini and upon eventually catching up with him at the lights, my Dad wound down the window and shouted

'Fuck you, you wankpad!'

Happy days.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 14:09, Reply)

sweaty part 2
sweating like a french rapist
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 13:59, Reply)

Middenface
You forgot about....

Poo-Pipe Pirate and Navigator of the Chocolate Canal.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 9 Oct 2007, 13:58, Reply)

my girlfriend
says 'I'll kick you in the fuck'. Observe:

'I don't care if your ex is in Australia on her own, if she calls again I'll kick her in the fuck'.

Amazing.
(shanvishnu, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 13:49, Reply)

On the street
I was walk along talk to my various minions one day, and on being informed that my latest masterplan had been foiled i moaned " damn hoisted on my own pertard." To which some passing little scut went HaHa your pertarded.
(Senor_Ding-Dong, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 13:46, Reply)

a good way to end an arguement
just blurt out "well your dad was in brokeback mountain!"
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 13:34, Reply)

Rape
i.e "rape off you cock fuck"
My housemate and i also use it as a greeting - Morning rape, What you doing later rape?

Used to be fond of calling people Pant-farmers. Dunno where that one came from!

To describe a girl's we both knows nether regions (she slept with upwards of 8 people at our last job) my friend was recently heard to say it was like "walking into Europe and not knowing where you are"

A simple “s” added to the word cunt also lends itself to a much more aggressive inflection . i.e. "she was a proper scunt"
(nebbers, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 13:26, Reply)

Curries
My mate used to be employed by Mr. and Mrs. Currie, as in the family name which started the electrical goods mega stores which are now all over the place. This guy is no shop floor employee he is a cider loving gardener who works on their countryside estate. Strangely enough Mr. and Mrs. Currie are rude stuck up cunts. After coming up to visit him for a few day drinking session, Mrs. Currie being the bitch that she is giving my mate beef for this or that reason. Poor bloke is in a delicate state. Stressed out, we get drunk again and I hop on a bus to the safety of my home leaving my mate to the horrors of Mrs. Currie. Latter that night I had to take the piss and send him a text inviting him out to a curry, his swift response was “yeah I could bloody murder a curry!”
(kurious orange, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 13:09, Reply)

working on a building site with my old man many moons ago...
driving in the white van someone cuts him up, so, down comes the window..
'YOU FUCKING...WANKCHOPS!!!'
i laughed my arse off.
( ivesb Highly specialised Clinical Physiologist crapbag, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 13:08, Reply)

Written on a bus
A couple of years ago I was coming home from work at the back of the bus, where the naughty boys and girls sit. Written in marker pen on the back of the seat in front was the following vitriol:

"Barry Instone LICKS GRIDS"

The best insult ever. "You grid-licking fucktard"
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 13:03, Reply)

Not ten minutes ago
I was in the cafeteria with a couple of the other engineers and the subject of the guy in charge of that department came up. The guy's unfortunately somewhat incompetent, and really only has the position because he has a PhD. Apparently in France he was able to get his education completely paid for, so when he was unable to get a job he just kept going until he got his doctorate. And now he's over here, running a department.

Dave growled, "You know why he has his PhD, don't you?"

I replied, "Because he has no gag reflex?"

I haven't seen Dave laugh that hard in a long time...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 9 Oct 2007, 12:58, Reply)

Sadly not my own...
You spawn of a syphilitic whore
(audreyforbes audreyforbes, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 12:51, Reply)

Mangoes
Chutney Ferret
Turd burglar
Kak Hole Cosmonaut (stolen for the Profanosaurus)
Sausage Jockey
(middenface Toss my salad, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 12:36, Reply)

i must enter a subject
"you are barely not retarded"
i think its deadly as an insult
(electrogirl no one thinks about the implications of a clown su, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 12:36, Reply)

Some years ago
I had an acquaintance whose putdowns were often somewhat surreal. e.g. "Yer maw gave me a pound ! " How do you reply to something like that ?
( Ramsay Tupper, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 12:18, Reply)

Annoying ex's deserve the worst.
While they're mid rant, just bellow: "You're about as fun to fuck as the soft spot on a baby's skull!"
Usually shuts them up and/or worries them.
(Infernus Annoying board Nazis on, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 12:03, Reply)

Joey Deacon
For those of you too lazy to read the early posts and too young to remember Blue Peter's brave attempt to bring attention to the social injustices of severe cerebral palsy sufferers, the figurehead of said campaign was a chap called Joey Deacon who would appear on TV every week to say "Mmmmmmmffffff... Mmmmmmmmnnnnffff!" which would be translated by his friend Ernie into "Joey would like to thank everyone who donated to the bring and buy sale, the disadvantaged kids of Birmingham can afford another community centre" or something.

Actually, looking back we only had Ernie's word for it that Joey was indeed attempting to thank the audience. Personally, I believe that Joey Deacon was trying to say "YOU CUNTS!" and that Ernie was only riding on Joeys coat-tails to fame, but it's open to debate.

Most schools used the term "Joey" as an insult, spoken loudly with tongue pushed into bottom lip in classic belming style.

However, in my school "Deacon!" was the ultimate in playground insults, always combined with a "Belm!". A schoolmate, Mark Deacon was particularly vexed at this however and took to belming the term "Ernie!" in response.

We're all going to hell.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 9 Oct 2007, 11:51, Reply)

A friend of mine once recounted this tale
he was at his girlfriend's office christmas party chatting to some people he vaguely knew through said girlfriend.

At that moment a girl walked through the door and my friend decided to say...

"Christ, who's that? She looks like she's been shot with a makeup gun set to slut"

Cue a moments silence and lots of awkward glances...

"That's my fiance"
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 11:38, Reply)