simon - a sales manager at loot
( i will make no attempt to maintain annonimity - he had a smile that never touched his eyes)

demanded of me a doctors note, after being off work with a cold for ONE day

ONE.

he said it was company policy. my GP told him to cock off after i supplied him with his phone number.
(magictorch, Wed 18 May 2005, 13:54, Reply)

Embrace the horror
Living as I do in Scotland, I often come into possession of Scottish banknotes. After years of heartbreak trying to use these in Ingerlundshire, I have decided to turn it into a game.

So now I save my precious Scottish money. And whenever I go to London I take a stash of BoS and Clydesdale £20 and £50 notes for spending - especially in taxis driven by "racialist" Mockney w@nkers.

It's important to be relaxed and unhurried. It is only a game. I have all day to argue the toss over banknotes and, no, I don't have any other money and, no, I'm not going to pop into a shop to get change and did I mention it's legal tender. So much more entertaining than their diatribes abour "scrounging jocks" and "sending THEM home".

If I ever get a job in a shop up here, I'll refuse to accept Bank of England notes...

Holidaying cabbie: "But it's got a picture of the Queen on it."

Cal: "Sorry, we only take Bonnie Prince Charlie here."
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Wed 18 May 2005, 13:41, Reply)

IT Support Jobsworths
I worked at a branch office, running the bespoke company software on a Windows desktop, using Citrix to connect remotely. Some days, I could print directly from the company system, and others not. No particular pattern to this. So I called IT to find out what was going on:

"You can't print from there."

"Well, yes I can, just not all the time."

"You can't print from there."

"OK well today it's working, so click Print...here it goes...hear that? That's the printer, printing. There's the page sliding out now!"

(Long pause)

"You can't print from there."
(simon shitting mason, Wed 18 May 2005, 13:10, Reply)

Similar to downhill without brakes
and more about systems and processes really, I spent a very irritating afternoon being passed around various spackfest call centres as a standing order (which I had taken a previous morning off work to arrange, specifically to ensure the money WOULD be in the account on the day it was meant to) had in fact, not turned up in my flatmate's account.
But the money had left my account.
After their central call centre couldn't help me as I had "telephone banked 3 times without using my password" (what password??) I called my branch who didn't pick up so I got diverted to my branch's "support centre".
By this point, I'm absolutely livid, I explain my situation and ask quite calmly (considering) where the money is, if it's not in my account and not in the account it's destined for. "Is it earning NatWest a nice bit of interest in the meantime?" I ask disinterested fickwut at the other end of the 'phone line. Cue *click* (your call is being transfered) "Hello, I'm Mrs. Brightandcheery, branch manager, how may I help you?"
(smack rabbit, Wed 18 May 2005, 13:07, Reply)

Another tale from the evils of telemarketing
I phoned this one bloke who had in the comments box that he'd been phoned twice and his wife was being an obstructive cow. I got through to her, and this was what happened.
Me: Hello, can I speak to Mr Twunt-for-marrying-a-harpy-like-you?
Her: For God's sake this is the 20th call we've had from you bastards this week!
Me: Actually madam I can tell you its the third.
Her: Well we don't want to talk about our banking with you.
Normally I'd just say "OK madam, thank you for your time" but as she'd sworn at me and I was in a bad mood anyway, I decided to go through the procedure we're meant to.
Me: I'm sorry madam, I can't take your husband's name off the list until he tells me himself that he doesn't want to do the survey.
Cue her deciding to take the phone up to her husband in the bath so he can say "I'm really sorry about this, but I just don't want to do the survey".
I'm one of the twats that give telemarketing a bad name.
(Lizzilla, Wed 18 May 2005, 12:45, Reply)

Cafe menu deals
A few years back I went into a cafe which was self service and I took the 'Menu deal' option which was a full english breakfast including tea and toast. I don't drink tea so didn't bother taking a pot or cup. When I got to the till man at the end of the counter I had a most surreal experience

Til Idiot (TI): 'Do you know that this menu comes with tea also?'
ME: 'I know but I don't drink tea'
TI: 'Yes but if you want to avail of the special price offer you have to take the tea. If not I'll have to charge you the items individually'

I waited for him to smile as surely it was a joke but no, he was serious.

ME: 'Look, I don't expect a discount and I'm not wasting a pot of tea that I don't want'
TI: 'I'm sorry sir but the offer says the special menu includes tea and toast'
ME: 'Can I take some extra toast in lieu of the tea'
TI: 'No, I'll have to charge you for the extra toast'
ME: 'Is the tea really really hot?'
TI: 'Yes Sir'
ME: 'Good, now go get me a pot and I won't need a cup for where I'm going to pour it'

It was at this point he called over the manager who after consultation with the idiot, asked me to leave! I was in such shock that I didn't even shout or spitefully spit on the breakfast in front of me!

Twats.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Wed 18 May 2005, 12:43, Reply)

Traffic Nazis
I've never had a real problem with coppers, they do a tough job, blah blah blah - but traffic police. aarrGGRRGGHHh. the fucks. pointless. if people want to kill themselves on the road - let us.

Byker Bypass, Newcastle Upon Tyne. If you don't know this road, it's a dual carriage way, with 70-80 feet high walls on either side so charvers/grannies/blind people have no way of stumbling onto it advertantly. A sunday morning, i was tootling down it at 48 Mph, i genuinely think it's a 50 because of previously described road conditions - que hidden traffic cop in Volvo T5 with gun out of window (the place where they hide is in spitting distance of the local fed station)

He pulls me over - the usual "where's the fire sir?" lecture... "do u know the limit?" i said i thought it was 50, he informs me it's 40, i apologise, cause i'm driving down to see my dying mother in Leeds, i always carry all my documentation which as i go to hand him, his book is already out and he's writing me a ticket. I said, hoping for sympathy, "i'm off to see my dying mum" pointing out the large bunch of flowers on the back parcel shelf of my car, to which he replies "send her my regards, MATE" in a sarky voice.

i'm overweight, kinda geeky looking, i WAS driving a crap cavalier, with all my documentation with me, only doing 48 on an otherwise totally deserted secure road, on an early sunday morning - not exactly a fucking scene from "The Fast and The Furious".... harsh? i think a tad. I've watched those 'Street Crime UK' programs, scallies get let off with fucking everything... i get 3 points and a fine!

Did i also say it was 2 days before christmas?

i hope he gets fucking aids and dies.


Sorry for length and language and fucking wanker traffic cops after making their 'arrest targets' by hitting easy targets
(TheManofScience, Wed 18 May 2005, 12:43, Reply)

Please just tell me if i'm being stupid...
Am I being thick or does this sound logical...

I have a current account. Money gets paid in every week, direct debits (mortgage, etc) get paid out. Fine.

Why is it, then, that if my mortgage debit date falls on a monday, the money for this is 'allocated' on the friday before?

Not only can I not withdraw the amount, but the amount does not leave my account, and nobody gets paid. I can spend on my card at shops, and can even go overdrawn because of this as the money has been 'allocated', for which I then get charged!

I appreciate that they may want my direct debits to take priority, but as I am old enough to use the internet and cash points without adult supervision, I can keep a check on my account all by myself.

And if I do twunt it all up, I can put more money into my account on monday anyway, without being charged or fined.

Is it me? Should this have been posted on the conspiracy board? Has someone told the bank that I can't be trusted to work pennies by myself? Jesus....

I did ask the staff at the bank in question...

"that money has been allocated"
"that money has been allocated"
"you can't withdraw against money that has been allocated"
"no, nothing leaves the account until monday"
"because it's been allocated"
"it's all in our leaflet"
"allocation. it means we set the money aside"
"the money has been allocated"
"etc"

claysbar nkba. freskcu!
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Wed 18 May 2005, 12:33, Reply)

Asda
On holiday in Cornwall several years ago, I popped in to the local Asda to buy a few bits of shopping.
It was only a couple of tins, so I took them to the "baskets only" till.
Till monkey says "I'm sorry, I can't serve you, your shopping isn't in a basket"
So I pick up a basket from the pile immideately in front of her, put my shopping in it, & she happily serves me.

TWUNT!!
(imianwilliams, Wed 18 May 2005, 12:06, Reply)

bigmeuprudeboy...
I bloody hate football... And I have quite a bit of welsh blood.

Well done the jobsworths ;)
(HoBag (TM) <-- Fookin' legend, Wed 18 May 2005, 12:05, Reply)

Blockbuster riddle
About 15(?) years ago my local video store was turned into a Blockbuster, with the result that the range of films on offer was cut right back. I complained to the manager:

Cal: How come you've cut back on the number of films?

Manager: We've increased the choice on offer.

Cal: How can you increase the choice by cutting back on the number of titles?

Manager: We've increased the choice on offer.

Cal: But you used to rent out lots of different films. Now there's just dozens of copies of the latest Arnie vehicle.

Manager: We've increased the choice on offer.

Cal: No, you haven't.

Manager: We've increased the choice on offer.

Cal: ...

Manager: We've increased the choice on offer.

Cal: You're not human are you?*

Manager: We've increased the choice on offer.


*Might not actually have said this last one really...
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Wed 18 May 2005, 11:52, Reply)

not terribly original - traffic wardens
I fucking hate trafffic wardens, no-good jobsworths who stare at passerby with the dopey bovine malice usually reserved for a difficult cow. I don't know why not, but IMO it is normal and reasonable to park briefly in an empty road, miles away from other motorists and pedestrians for twenty minutes while dropping stuff off and moving it. Evidently not though; council bastards.

My solution to this is that all traffic wardens should be genetically modified to be like bees; one sting and they crawl away to die miserable and unfulfilled deaths. They've got the yellow stripe thing down already, they just need to go the rest of the way.
(sancho, Wed 18 May 2005, 11:39, Reply)

Royal Mail
Way to long for here. Just go to Moblog.co.uk and read up on plotblogging
moblog.co.uk/view.php?id=65800#1116411907
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Wed 18 May 2005, 11:38, Reply)

checkout kid'
As a law abiding citizen i'm not allowed to sell any age resricted product if i believe the purchaser is going to supply it to someone underage.

Cue lots of angry(yet very annoying) customers, and one smug checkout assistant
(nicknicknick, Wed 18 May 2005, 11:25, Reply)

bigmeuprudeboy
im kinda offended, firstly north waliens ARE NOT TAFFS!!!!! we are gogs and not all welsh people have a chip on their shoulder against the english, understanably you were excited but at the end of the day they were only doing their job
(monstermunchqueen a queen for the people, by the people, Wed 18 May 2005, 11:18, Reply)

Coppers and Stewards at football
I support what some people would describe as a 'shit football team' Luton Town -to be precise. Now this season we have finally, after 17 years of dissapointments and near misses, managed to win a trophy: the League 1 winners one. To many this means bugger all, fair enough but to me it means A LOT.
Now we won the title on a lovelly spring day at Wrexham, probably the best day at a football match I have ever had, the best day that was spoiled somewhat by the jobsworth thicks in uniform.
At full time a group of friends and I wished to get near to our heroes and to do that we needed to climb over a small fence into a tier near the pitch. We had no intention of invading the pitch, throwing coins or doing anything out of order, we simply wanted to celebrate winning a trophy.
Unfortunately for us barring our way were half a dozen taffy robocops covered in armour and with a chip on their shoulders for the English and football supporters in general-thats us fucked then.
Upon trying to get over the tiny fence we were met with flying batons, pushing and 'get back' shouted in their best Judge Dredd voices. When we protested our innocence we were given that age old cliche 'its people like you who give football fans a bad name'
yes thats right wanting to be near the pitch to get a better view of my heros makes me scum
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Wed 18 May 2005, 10:34, Reply)

Fao Ogwen69
Oops. But I love your wonderful example of jobsworth behaviour. Fantastic!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 18 May 2005, 10:18, Reply)

Fucking Lothian and Borders police
Fucking police
They pulled me over for running a red light-- on a bike, by about 3 seconds before it would turn green again anyway yesterday. Some dick had pressed the button, crossed and fucked off.

Okay, I was a minor-law breaker, but now I understand why chavs have no respect for the police -- the police are incapable of treating people with any respect in the first place!
I got berated by a small-cocked (you can just tell) short-ass fat fucker of a sergeant threatening me with this and that, just to make him feel good.

Smug fucker.

Oh well, he looked like he was going to die soon of high blood pressure leading to an aneurism.
Amazing though. When a friend of mine got his head kicked in, every bone in his face shattered, nearly killed, the police, 5 mins away on foot from the station, a quiet Wednesday evening, they couldn't be fucked coming out.
I've reported racially motivated criminal damage to a vehicle of some chinese bloke to them too. They only wanted to treat as "failure to stop at an accident". Not accidental. The fucker deliberately reversed into the side of the car, and drove off, shouting racist abuse.
Police = lazy bastards + power gone to their head. It's not as if any of this stuff was on a busy Friday night.

The thing is, they can threaten you with fines, arrest or jail
if you give them lip. But these guys aren't flawless people. And you're bound to get some with chips on their shoulders, some that have a small cock and their wife won't shag them, lazt fuckers, and some total corrupt bastards-- just like in any other job in society.

But everyone else doesn't have the power to ruin your career, remove your freedom, and 100's of other police officers to back them up whatever they do.

I hate them more than "parking attendants".

The inflated ego Sgt. tosspot told me "if anybody knocks you down at a pedestrian crossing, don't call the police"

Lazy? I think so. Gah! No wonder nobody respects them anymore-- they don't have an ounce of respect for you.
( drunkenoaf, Wed 18 May 2005, 10:17, Reply)

Humpty
Damn right!
Personally I'd like to see a "This person is barely literate and should be sterilised for the good of humanity" button as well, but I think that's just me being overly pedantic.
(fogbat, Wed 18 May 2005, 9:50, Reply)

sweet irony.
*points and giggles at Ian Maiden*
I second a suggestion that was once made we need an "I think this sucks" or "Zippit" button here too... and a booby-prize could be awarded each week... maybe then muppets who go off-topic (JUST like I'm doing now) could be given a metorphorical custard pie.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 18 May 2005, 9:33, Reply)

I work in a music library
which has this stupid rule that even if a student is only listening to a cd in the library we still have to check it out to them And we can only check out two cd's at a time.

I'm the worst librarian ever I just let the students have as many cds as they like when there in the library, I mean as if I give a toss there just cds and it's not like they are even leving the building.

My coworker however is the librarian from hell and religioulsly refuses to give them cds if they already have 2 out. She also treats the customers like they have no right to ask her for anything, and gets grumpy with them when she has to hall her fat arse of her chair.

Easy to say who the students like more ;)
(rattus, Wed 18 May 2005, 9:20, Reply)

Train staff (again)
Me and the girlfriend were over in the UK at Christmas. The GF catches a train to meet me somewhere in London, she's from New Zealand and only 5'3" and is weighed down by a backpack and several large bags.
She jumps onto the train and plonks herself down into the nearest empty seat, as she does she clocks a couple of train staff halfway down the carriage. A minute later as the train starts to pull out of the station they make a beeline for her.
"Ticket please"
She shows the ticket.
"This is a first class seat, you don't have a first class ticket"
The gf apologises, having not realised it was first class, and makes to move into the next carriage which is standard class (or whatever the fk its called now). The two staff, both guys and much bigger than her, block her from moving.
"You have to pay a fine for taking up a first class seat".
The gf protests, but they insist she must pay a fine.
"Look, I don't have any money on me anyway" she says, truthfully.
"Then you'll have to give us your address"
"I'm from New Zealand", she says
"You'll have to give us your address or we'll call the police to meet us at the next station"
"OK its.. " (proceeds to give address in New Zealand)
"No, we need an address in the UK"
"I don't HAVE a UK address, I'm from f@#%in NEW ZEALAND"

Needless to say she arrived to meet me shaking with rage, bless her. I was reminded why I left the country in the first place.
(SheepFiddler, Wed 18 May 2005, 7:00, Reply)

Nyphur
don't be so hasty to shoot someone down - NI cards are only issued just before you're 16 and some bank accounts are only available to 16 year olds and above (is it the one's with Switch? I forget).

This, coupled with the bus pass, should have been enough proof for any logical thinking person, unlucky MooCow.
(Lannes, Wed 18 May 2005, 1:27, Reply)

Re Biggus Dickus jobsworth
Dear Biggus Dickus

Check out (if you excuse the pun)...
www.b3ta.com/questions/jobsworths/post31412/

I would put good money on my jobsworth, at the very least, working for the company as yours.
Bastard! That what he was!
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Wed 18 May 2005, 0:56, Reply)

School Teacher
Good perk in being a high school teacher...

When you catch the students smoking in the grounds of the school, hey presto! free fags for you and your teacher friends. You can also threaten to tell their parents that they smoke... but a quiet "favour" from them behind the old bike sheds after school can always help to keep the smoking business quiet from their parents.
(ADPR, Wed 18 May 2005, 0:55, Reply)

Sports Shop in Miltion Keynes
My brother, his wife and two kids come up from Kent to visit me. For some reason the conversation moves to both my brother and myself needing new trainers.
Since they've never been to MK before and seen our lovely shopping centre, I offer to take them all up town and treat them to dinner.
Finally found a large out of town sports store with loads of dirt cheap decent trainers - great we thought. Oh dear, Saturday afternoon and one 16 year old shop assistant in the shoe department.
This young lad is doing his best with a queue of about 15 people hovering with one left shoe (have you got these in a 7?) and so on.
The lad doesn't seem to realise that he could take more than one shoe off the customers and wonder out back looking for them in one go... so instead he deals with one customer at a time. While customer is thinking about the pair he's just tried on, shop assistant just stands there - looking into space. Meanwhile my sister in law has found a pair for herself and quite fancies some for the kids too...

After about 30 minutes, we wonder out of the store... on the way past the cash desk I see FIVE staff members with bugger all to do standing around chatting. Feeling sorry for the poor kid up the back, I tell them about the queues for shoes.

Their total lack of interest still makes me cringe as all five of us walk out of the store with still no interest from the staff even after pointing out that we want to buy about £200 worth of shoes...

No apologies whatsoever.
( heyrudi has just found this setting, Tue 17 May 2005, 23:53, Reply)

Not me, but a friend!
A friend, who shall stay nameless...told me today about his ordeal on getting some stuff from the local shops.

He had a "special" 50p, similar to the £5 coins you could buy at the dome!

He tryed buying something, which came up to £10.50, he gave the £10 note, and this 50p...they thought it was fake (the 50p not £10). He got a bit annoyed and starting ranting and raving about it being legal tender, etc...he then gave them a different denomination of money..and he got 50p change.

What really made my smile was, the 50p they gave him was the same sort as the one they wouldn't accept from him...he then joked that he shouldn't accept it, then left!
(mrtinybrain, Tue 17 May 2005, 23:32, Reply)

In reference to...
www.b3ta.com/questions/jobsworths/post31524/

Erm, since when have NI or Bank cards had your DOB on them? And no-where accepts bus pass as proof of age.
(Nyphur, Tue 17 May 2005, 23:29, Reply)

un-jobsworthy
the boyfriend was pulled over on the motorway, sunday morning on the way from mine to his, doing about 87mph in a 10yr old metro -

policeman: i've clocked you twice doing over the limit from the last junction, you obviously haven't been using you mirrors or you'd have seen me, and i guess you'd have slowed down

the bf: oops

policeman: this is a crappy old metro, not a ferrari, if you crash, you're toast, don't do it again

sed policeman gets into car, watches the bf drive away, then roars past at about 100mph with lights blazing

what a nice chap
(Euphrosne, Tue 17 May 2005, 22:43, Reply)

Ian Maiden
Aren't we missing the fine irony?
( Pfffwwttt... I told you so., Tue 17 May 2005, 22:35, Reply)