if at first you don't succeed...
last!?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 13:23, 6 replies)

dont like children yet you used to be one?
give me a break!! if its any consolation i hated myself as a kid!. Ill never have children cause A) this world is shit. B) i dont ever want another person to have a childhood like mine. C) im so unstable i wouldnt ever cope with a child.

My neice is now 18 months old or so. Ive seen her all of about 5 or 6 times since she was born. When my mum asks me to come round i wont if the baby is there. Its not that i dont like her... im frightened of her. She makes me feel uncomfortable because im expected to coo over her and remark how wonderful she is and when she shits its a fucking miracle of nature of summit. When all i want to say is 'dont come near me i dont like you' and i think its very uncomfortable how all these people with kids tell me how adorble said brat is when they roled around in the mud and ate dogshit.... sorry guys but this is one girl that only has a mothering instinct for one thing.... KITTENS. Thats right i get all gooey and broody and motherly over cats. anyones. feral one. ugly ones. disabled ones.... now when they shit and eat worms that is adorable.
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Thu 24 Apr 2008, 13:22, 5 replies)

At last ...
... this Q is nearly over - I hate kids.

Lucky b**tards don't have to go to work :-(
(Biff..., Thu 24 Apr 2008, 13:22, Reply)

So then
errrrr


last?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 13:19, 2 replies)

Prolly bindun but....
Yes, she's a stubborn and bossy little cow, but she's MY stubborn and bossy little cow.

She fills her nappy and becomes a stinky shit-pants, but she's MY stinky shit-pants.

She refuses to sleep until 2am and wakes again at 6, but she still looks gorgeous while she's asleep.

I have less money and drive an older car than I ever had before. I still spend anything I have on toys and clothes for her.

I now consider 8am a lie-in. Sometimes I get two of those per month. I still like to get up and play 'Iggle Piggle tickles' at 6am on Sundays.


Being a parent is both the best and worst thing I ever did. My 'cushy' life changed beyond all recognition. I wouldn't change back for anything.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 13:15, 3 replies)

@Pork2311
Yes.


Yes it is.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 13:14, Reply)

Is it too early?
Is it too early to start asking "Last?"?
(Pork2311, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 13:12, Reply)

Kids: burn them in a wicka man
I hate kids, I was assaulted on the last day of term before Easter and am now off sick with a stress related illness.

Apparently being safe at work is not a priority when you work in education. Oh well, at least I wasn't raped like some poor teacher recently!

Burn the fuckers...
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 12:54, 17 replies)

hmmm
Its a little worrying at how many people say they hate children on here, yet used to be one.

Being a parent it takes you back to your roots. Christmas becomes interesting again, you take interests in things you only did when you were a child yourself.

As a guy you get to play with all the toys you want - first - to make sure they work.

and most of all, even though 90% of the time they act like ignorant, deaf, wind up merchants. And yes you have to clear up poo, sick, and other bodily fluids. you only need one thing to make you forget all that. Believe me, when that child walks for the first time, speaks for the first time, reads fo the first time... Does anything for the first time.... all those problems melt away..

May i recomend Bill Murrays speech in Lost in Translation when hes on the bed with the girl..

He seems to hit the nail on the head.

It seems to me that all people who hate kids are the ones who havent been parents yet. Like saying you hate a food type when youve never tried it... in other words your scared.

I have a 4 yr old boy... Hes my best friend.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 12:38, 47 replies)

completely off-topic
(but hey, its gone Thursday midday)

Does anyone here

1) Own a Fiat Punto

and

2) Have problems filling it up with Petrol?

I usually have to get the nozzle pointing in some obscure angle even Escher would have nightmares about to stop the damn thing constantly cutting out!

would be nice to know its not just me being an utter knob.

Tar.

Halfy
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 12:34, 15 replies)

Of baby mommas and baby daddies
Two things:
When my mum was a teacher in the shittier end of Liverpool, there was a girl in her GCSE class who had been pregnant three times before she was 16 and had popped out four kids as a result (she had twins the second time. Four kids by the time she was 16!

I was in town in Liverpool late on last year and bumped into a lad I went to primary school with. He was in Game with what I assumed was his girlfriend. When I asked him what he was up to, he said "Just buying my eldest something for passing her GCSE's" and pointed at what I thought was hist bird. I'm 30 and happen to remember that this lad's birthday is two days after mine.
(ScousersPet, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 12:28, Reply)

Prompted by a reply I've just made
How many people out there have had kids because that's what they thought they wanted, only to realise that actually, they didn't?

I'm not kidding when I say I've worked with countless people who's sage advice to me has been "DG, whatever you do, don't have kids. I love mine to bits, but if I had my time over again, I wouldn't have them".

Just a thought...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 24 Apr 2008, 12:12, 4 replies)

The noise!
I've got two daughters, the youngest of whom is 2. Aside from amusing stupidity (eg yesterday youngest span my office chair around, then walked it while it was still spinning... *thunk*), the stuff they do would only really amuse other parents, and is like every other child.

However, I have to rant about this... why the hell are kids toys so damn noisy? The volume drowns out the stereo, the sounds are at the precise pitch that sets off tinnitus, and THERE'S NO VOLUME CONTROL! They're either silent, or ear-drum splittingly loud. Funnily enough, once the batteries run out, I usually tell miniNedsons that they've broken...
(Neddy Nedson is nice really, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 11:54, Reply)

My sister
My sister has always been... special... She loved hitting me (2 years older than her) and my brother (2 years younger)

She really loved bullying him, poor kid.

I remember once. She was around 5 and my brother 3 (good with maths, eh?). My grandma had a lot of plants in her house, and loved them with passion. One day, some of the plants appeared with some leaves cut. She asked who had done it, and my brother, poor soul, said the truth, that it had been him. He got punished for that.

Next day, and more plants broken. Again my brother accepted it was him and gets the punishment. A harder one, this time.

It went on for almost a week, and my grandma couldn't understand why my brother would be doing that to the plants, knowing that he was going to be punished, so next time it happened, she made sure my sister was around and said very loudly:

"Jesús (my brothers name) next time you do it, I'm going to punish you as always. But to the person who is telling you to do it, to her, I'm going to cut her fingers!"

And my sister replies: "Grandma, will it hurt when you cut my fingers?"

No more plants broken.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Apr 2008, 11:35, 11 replies)

When I was 14 I landed on my head in Gym and broke my neck.
I still have a chunk missing from one of my vertebrae.

Insert length joke and/or reference to contemporary meme of choice here.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 11:33, 1 reply)

Childhood lost - More pondering
Partly inspired by DG's recent post...

When I was a kid I had a very over-protective mother, yet I could roam where I pleased pretty much. This was before mobile phones, before the CCTV culture that dominates society today and before the Health & Safety stazi turned exploring one's surroundings into a very scary and dangerous thing indeed.

If I wanted adventure, I hopped onto my BMX and explored places. Or I used my imagination and built things.

Nowadays, parents are afraid to let their kids roam more than 300 yards from their house and a mobile phone as an absolute must in case their child is abducted by the legions of peadophiles which lurk around every corner or behind every tree.

Instead of using their imagination, kids can watch videos of beheadings and scat porn. Or they can see high definition violence on their PS3 consoles that negate the need for the human mind to colour in between the sketch lines.

I feel so very sorry for kids today I really do.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Apr 2008, 11:21, 28 replies)

Selfishness = no kids
Have been married for four years now, so the topic of kids tends to cme up a lot. Especially since a good few mates have had ankle biters recently.

Me and the missus have always maintained that we don't want kids and will frequently point this out when we hear screaming kids in public.

Due to this QOTW, I brought the subject up with the missus last night and asked her why she doesn't want kids. Her answer "because I won't share you with anyone else. You're mine and that's it". She then asked me why I don't want them my answer: "because I don't like you using my stuff, like my PC, my consoles, my stereo etc. Can you imagine what would happen if a kid tried to touch any of them?".

Plus we both like to spend our money on ourselves - she likes to buy shoes, clothes, make-up etc. and spends the rest of her cash on her nails, hair, tan etc. Mine all goes on lager and useless gizmos.

So, in short, we won't have kids because we are just far too selfish.
(ScousersPet, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 11:16, 7 replies)

summer camp
I don't have kids on my own yet, so here we go with some fun stories while looking after other's.

I've been involved in youth activities from my local church since wee age, but to defend myself, i've never been one of the god botherers, it had some sort of youth-centre function - meeting your friends,having a good time and even learn something some time. Like a scouts group, if you want something to compare, but without the sleeping in tents, making fire with your fingernails thing. I've went there as a child and as I grew older I changed sides an became a counsellor and looked after a group of children myself. (Great training for leading skills: If you can handle 8 ten-year-olds - a whole IT-department bwahaha) The highlight of the year has always been the two week summer camp, from which many legend stories have derived. Off went a group of 30 7-14 year olds guarded by a hand full of 17-25 year olds and as it's been from the church, the priest also went with us, being the only "real grown-up" to some youth hostel in the austrian mountains for two weeks of hiking, swimming,etc.

It's always been like a sport for the kids to wander around at night without getting caught or doing other nonsense and us on the other side to lurk in a dark corner to catch them redhanded and send them back to bed. Especially as puberty hit hard, the boys fancied to visit the girl's rooms for a game of spin the bottle, truth or dare or something equally thrilling in the wee hours. So we conspired with the girls from one room to invite the boys for the night while we would hide somewhere in the room to jump out with the good old BOOOO! unexpected. It went better than any of us could have imagined: I sat in the closet with perfect view around the room, while a fellow counsellor laid under the bed of one of the girls. Boys came, they chatted merrily away the usual teenage stuff, quite hard for us not to give up our hidings with stifled laughter while listening. One of the boys sat on the bed under which my fellow was lying, with his feet dangling from the edge - the perfect chance. My fellow jumped forward from under the bed, grabbed his ankles and tried to pull him under the bed. The boy, thinking the proverbial monster from under the bed had him, shrieked like a banshee, took one of his slippers to hit the "monster" and after I fell laughing out of my hideout and turned the light on, was white as a blanket. Minimum amounts of weewee my be involved by all participants, what a laugh.

The second story also involves scaring the crap out of the kids (I may add, that other fun activies also happened, besides our sadistic streaks...). Highlight activity on summercamp was having a bonfire till late in the night with barbecue, classical bonfire-and-guitar hits howled altogether and when as the fire went out we packed up and went for the "night-trek" to some place in the woods which had carefully searched for in the days before. Usually someone telling the scary-stories and some people hiding in the bushes for strange noises, etc. You could always pick those pissing themselves the most with fear (usually boys) as they where boasting how the weren't afraid. One year we decided to add a little variation for new thrills as many of the kids were with us the years before. As we went through the dark forest, one by one the counsellors "disappeared" silently into bushes beside the path, before the kids could notice. When suddenly one pipes up, that they are alone. We where standing a few meters besides them and nearly pissing ourselves laughing, I swear, I could have touched some of them, if I've reached out of the bush. They fully believed, we abandoned them in the woods at midnight. Some righteous panicked, one even threw up by fear, but then happened what I'm still proud of today. The elder kids, which were also some of my group, took the little ones, made them pair up and march home, full crisis management. Maybe I've really learned them some values and behaviour paired with common sense.
It didn't stop us from running the other way around the hill where the forest was situated to jump out of the bushes to give them another shock.

For a length of two weeks which always went over far too fast a quite impressive post, but I don't regret any of those years.
(threeverse ultima ratio regum, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 11:14, Reply)

Until next week
I've always loved children. Always thought that I want to be a mum before 29 (I'm 28 now, so not a lot of room), and have at least 3 kids.

Until next week, when I thought I was pregnant and almost die with the shock.

Is not the right moment, no...
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Apr 2008, 11:04, 6 replies)

Geek babies.
Ive already decided that if I have my own child, his name will be Jay. If its a girl it will either be Denise or Paula. If youre clever and an old hat geek from the 90s you should understand the connection of those names. I dont think I could really call a child Agnus though.

His/Her first word would have to be Google. It has to be, its the first place you go on the net. It has to be the first word too. Im tempted to install an in-car PC to the pram :) Imagine that, mother is walking down the road whilst baby is watching old episodes of Knightmare on his in pram entertainment system. A mini ITX box neatly tucked away there. With Wifi of course for picking up internet :)

Id want all the techno gizmos for kids. Like baby monitors. And he'd be subjected to Slay Radio all the time. He will grow up appreciating the joys of Mods and Sids :)

And by the time he is 3 he had better be naming all the characters from the Dizzy series.

Oh yeeeeeeeeeah!!! :)
(Miggyman, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 11:02, 4 replies)

mid-morning ponder
From the moment we are aware of their sex we begin to gender-stereotype children. Even if we try consciously to avoid it, it creeps in insidiously. Baby boys are dressed in blue or - if not quite so segregating - any colour but pink. Baby girls are swathed in frills and 'feminine' colours.

Then it's toy time. Much as we'd like to avoid gender-specific toys, there'll always be someone who'll hand the girl a Barbie or give the boy a toy car. How precious can we be about the toys that children possess?

The media (usually through advertising) encourage girls to play houses, play with dolls, like pink and sparkly things. Don't even start me on the Princess Complex... Boys are portrayed as rough and tumble, outdoorsy, action types. Heaven forbid they should show their emotions.

We see it in schools, we see it as kids are bullied because they don't fit into a particular gendered norm - a norm that is entirely a social construct.

We reach adulthood with these myths still hanging over us, and we see it in the jobs we chose and the wages we earn. It is reflected in the sports we play and the hobbies we have. It influences who we end up with and how.

Just a rant. I need more coffee. I'm just sad that despite the intentions of many level-head people who see the value of equality, there is a majority in this world who still believe that gender stereotypes hold true.

We need to get them while they're young.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 10:54, 52 replies)

I love children
They go well with mashed potatoes.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 10:52, 1 reply)

When I was a kid
of about 6 or 7, my older brother used to wait until my parents had gone out, put on the Jaws films and sit on me to force me to watch them. As a result, I'm scared shitless of sharks. Now what is there on the front page of B3ta? Fucking great big shark. Great. Bye bye b3ta until the gladiators challenge is finished.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 10:33, 2 replies)

By vaguely popular demand
I'm posting this as a story instead of as a reply.

To be on-topic, it's a children's tale. Honest.

Goats, monkeys and chickenlady's cock.
Right.

Once upon a time, BobFossil was walking along in the countryside perfectly innocently, when suddenly she heard a fearsome bellow from a nearby barn. "Whatever can that fearsome bellow be?" she thought, and wandered over to investigate.

Peering through a broken window, she saw the following scene: a small monkey and a rooster were spitroasting a poor goat, which was bleating away in agony. To be honest, the monkey and the rooster weren't really having a good time either: the rooster, not being possessed of a penis, was having to make do with sticking his beak up the goat's anus, while the monkey was having his little monkey-cock lacerated by the goat's gnashing teeth.

This rather shocked poor BobFossil, who'd never seen anything so depraved in her life! So she quickly walked away into town, got some cash out, and soothed her bewildered mind by getting GrandMasterFluffles's brother to urinate in her hair.

The End.




If you don't know what brought this about look here: www.b3ta.com/questions/kids/post146597
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 10:06, 29 replies)

Given this week's topic
I am vaguely disappointed that no one has posted any pictures of their children so that I can justifiably type the immortal reply "Why am I looking at your dog?".
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 9:56, 18 replies)

Lollypops and africa
Does it ever piss you right off when toddlers have a tantrum about incredibly banal things?

I was in the supermarket last night when some red-faced snotty-nosed little bastard was having a tantrum because he'd dropped his lollypop.

For fuck's sake. The UK's in economic crisis, people are dying in Africa, there are a hundred people getting raped this very second all over the world, and he's crying about a cunting lollypop?

Now I wouldn't mind, because that's what kids do, but the worse thing is that the parents actually seem to try and comfort them. This I can't understand. Life is shit, surely it's best that they get used to it at an early age?

Send them all down t'pit, I tell you.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 9:48, 9 replies)

Swirly
Well, in the face of dire threats from my son and fellow b3tard here is my story of parental misdemeanour.

When he was young he was (and still is) a right wee smartarse. He could often reduce me to helplessness with a well-placed aphorism (he started on Pratchett when he was 9 or ten so I blame that). One day being a normal parent I was a bit fed up and warned him that should his current behaviour continue today he would get a swirly. "What's a swirly?” he asked. “Keep going and you’ll find out.” Quoth I.

He continued.

At that moment I picked him up by the ankles and took him into the bathroom. I stuck his head down the toilet and pulled the chain. One swirly administered. Funnily enough he still thinks it is hilarious and can’t wait to chastise his own children in a similar manner.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 24 Apr 2008, 9:32, 6 replies)