Old people are brill
My mum was having a cup of tea with an elderly neighbour recently. This woman is well into her eighties and has recently got herself a new boyfriend of around the same age. She was chatting about how great he was and everything, how happy they were to have found each other after losing their respective spouses...finishing with the immortal line: "But I won't let him do anal on account of my irritable bowel syndrome."
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 12:04, 2 replies)

Seeing the Faceter/Twitbook shit-storm that's happened since both of those "social networking sites" lambasted a young nurse for answering a call
, pressing a couple of buttons and then killing herself & are now witch-hunting the radio DJ's and station responsible.
I now see that b3ta is the meekest and most mild of the wide-eyed kittehs featured on icanhazcheeseburgr (or imgur ftm).
Guys the worst "Maddie"/"Your mum"/"x fingers kids/dogs (EDIT: More to come & I'll take suggestions)/emv shoves Optimus Prime dolls up some slappers meat-curtains/AB's wife is fat/Rory is a mongy shut-in/TRL needs to turn his phone off/I have an OKCupid account/Albert Marshmallow is supposedly a creepy email hacker" joke you can come up pales in comparison to some of the vitriol aimed 1st at the nurse and then at the radio dj's.
We really have entered our obsolescence as a site. Once (probably before my time) b3ta was at the razors edge. Now the worst b3ta can come up with is hassling one of it's founders about "fingering kids".
Time to setup a channel on #efnet (irc for the dummies) and sit back to smoke our pipes.
What makes me laugh? The lengths that Rory, Monty, BD, janet, AB and the rest of the troupe go to to keep trying to act like the antithesis of caring, compassionate human beings in order to drive the "non-twitter/facebook whores" away from this; which seems to be one of the more benign sites around now.
That actually makes me chuckle sometimes.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 9 Dec 2012, 8:41, 56 replies)

I enjoy a bit of a chuckle as much as the next person, I must say I'm a particularly big fan of topical news quizzes and I love that Michael McIntyre.

(Elephant Balderdash attempting to bottle the absurd, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 3:52, Reply)

I worked as a butler
in a stately home for a few years. It's not a bad life, really; once you accept that you must obey at all times the Lord of the Manor, it's OK. You can get away with a lot behind the scenes - drinking, sex, drugs - the Lord of the Manor knows and accept this, as long as it remains behind the scenes it's OK, yeah we've all seen Upstairs Downton Abbey but it's all true.

The one problem was with the food allocations to all of us in service. Butlers were given a generous allowance for meals, but maids were only alloted 50% of this!

Maids' meal half.

Bloody shocking.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 22:59, 2 replies)

Last week, my sister and I went to take her dog to the vets. Whilst my sister and dog was in with the vet I was dutifully waiting in reception when I overheard a conversation between two elderly ladies…
‘I’ve been reading that 50 shades of grey’
‘Oh have you?’
‘Yes, I might not keep reading it, it’s not very well written’
‘I’ve heard that’
‘It’s not even as if it’s very good porn’
I promptly laughed fairly loudly much to their entertainment, one of the aforementioned ladies said ‘Ooh, look at him giggling away’ to which I replied with a chuckle, ’Hey, just because there’s snow on the roof it doesn’t mean the fire’s gone out!’
By the time my sister came out with the dog we were all cackling away and she was left wondering what the hell was going on.
And the dog's fine too - Result! :-)
( JamHamster My eyes, my beautiful eyes!, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 22:36, Reply)

A colleague of mine on the phone.
She was speaking to a Ms Cant:
So, that' s spelled C. U. N. T. ?
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 20:05, Reply)

The fact that shimrod still thinks we don't know he's the resident loon.
Or maybe that should have been in last week's qotw.
(Jimmy Saville's bitch Is a sucker for gold jewellery, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 19:30, 5 replies)

Some Australians thought it would be funny to embarrass me at work
But I had the last laugh when MI6 suicided me and made them look like right heartless pricks.
(Eukanuba, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 18:10, 3 replies)

An old one but still funny
www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule2

The fire engine makes me laugh every time
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 16:46, 2 replies)

I was at a black tie do with work the other night
Unfortunately for me, I got trapped by the world's most crashing bore, an inbred rahrah surveyor who was labouring under two fond delusions: firstly that he was highly interesting, and secondly that I might give him work. He was one of those guys who mumbles through his nose and the room was very noisy, so it was impossible to tell what he was saying without a great deal of effort. After the first two sentences i gave up.

15 minutes of monologue later, I can see my colleagues pissing themselves laughing and I am straining to see what is so funny (turned out to be that Neil had walked into the ladies toilet cubicle by mistake and the woman he caught mid-shit had screamed the house down - you take your entertainment where you find it at these ghastly evenings). The surveyor looks at me expectantly and, in a rare and unwelcome moment of lucidity, snorts, "after all, she is what one might call the charlie dimmock of surveying, what?"

He was clearly waiting for a response, and I had no idea what the blue fuck he was on about. So I said, "what, you mean she doesn't wear any underwear on the job?" I was trying to jolt him into a flash of humanity. I did not expect him to swallow and slowly turn rather purple, and say, "well I wouldn't know. After all, she IS my mother."

Ack.

"well, I wouldn't know," he said. "after all.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 15:54, 8 replies)

I wonder if these two were part of the queen's collection?

(Shimrod, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 14:45, 6 replies)

Millenium Dome new age fart lols
Back in the year 2000, I went with my then girlfriend to the Millenium Dome, where we enjoyed a day of wandering round the many and varied "delights" on offer - some of which were pretty cool and some of which were, it has to be said, bollocks.

One which fell into the latter description was the multi-coloured igloo thing, with the new-age whale music-sounding "song" that wouldn't repeat the same part for two-thousand years, apparently (how could they know that, they wouldn't have had time to give it a quick listen through?).

Anyway, gf and I were in the igloo thing, lying back and chilling for a few minutes, when the serenity was interrupted by a little fart, followed by the sound of a load of schoolboys giggling.

Smiling to myself, I imagined the young lad that had made all his friends laugh by letting one off. Looking over, I saw a little old lady, beetroot of face, who in fact had accidentally farted as she struggled to stand up... and about twenty early teen schoolboys in various stages of cracking up at this unexpected fartular delight :)

I lost it at that point and cracked up too, leaving the room very quickly as I did so. Poor little old lady, I bet she was mortified.

tl;dr version - little old lady farts in public, schoolkids and I crack up :D
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 13:43, 2 replies)

Hospital Dwarf Wheelchair
Many years ago, cow-orkers were discussing what made them laugh. It was painful drivel to listen to, "I like Jethro", "I like Jimmy Tarbuck", etc. Someone asked me what made me laugh and I said "People in wheelchairs and dwarves". Complete conversation killer.

My friends however thought my statement darkly hilarious. My flatmate especially found this amusing and this is where the story is going.

Maybe 2 years after this statement, I received a telephone call from my ex-flatmate and he was calling from hospital.

"Come and visit me" - so I toddles off down to Charing Cross Hospital.

4 person ward, friend fairly battered after falling off a roof. Anyho', on the ward a bed is curtained off. Friend points at curtain and says "Wait".

Anyway, I am now very bored of this narration but come this far.

Thus Spake Zarathusa begins to play in my head, the curtains open to reveal a wheelchair bound dwarf. Not just any dwarf, the truly comedic looking ones. Did I laugh, no I did not. I never spoke to my ex-flatmate ever again, so filled with disgust that he would think I thought it funny.

sanctimonious prick that I am.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 12:16, 10 replies)

This is the best one though.
b3ta.com/talk/7600447
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 10:11, Reply)

someone dun a fart and I lold

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 9:08, 1 reply)

There have been some good funny storries so far. I was worried that this week would delve into "Funniest Home Video" mode or "I guess you had to be there."
My story is probably the latter.

In another life I worked as a cook (or cookie as we're often called). There is a large difference between a cook and a chef. Generally a cook knows how to clean a kitchen. & I don't mean doing a Foodsafe or HACCP course, I mean actually scrubbing shit to make sure it's clean. A chef knows how to use a lot of pots and pans & then tell somebody else to clean it up. And then after 2nd year they know how to delegate and make dish-pigs (dish-washers) work hard. Cookies usually end up helping the dish-pig.

In 1 of my cooking jobs I worked with a gentleman from the Northern end of Britain. He was a short, rotund fellow who's voice was loud and temper even louder. I heard him at least on 1 occasion call a fellow Northern English compatriot a "skoowzer cant". Let's call him Eric.
I also worked in this team with a bloke called Lawrence (no name changes here to protect him) who was the worst type of chef. Lawrie (as he hated to be called) was a cant of the highest order. He was the bloke that had to lock up at night but would always sit there and watch as I helped our resident dish-pig finish doing all the dishes. Just so we could all go home at the end of a night. The 1st time I suggested "many hands make light work" Lawrie told me that "I'm a chef."

Eric's favourite string of swearys was "Ya farkin cant!".
Now being a naturalised Aussie raised by a Kentish mummy my immediate response each & every single time was to say to Eric quietly and calmly -
"Oh, but I think I can."
Which of course would make a couple of people giggle and make Eric go almost apoplectic. Until a few more of us would join in and then it was on for young & old.
Then the shift would often deteriorate into jokes about what each member of the kitchen could or farkin' cant do.
Except Lawrie who just never seemed to get the joke. Ever.

The funny bit to this tale?
The day that Lawrie spat chips and had a go at me about how I'd left some fried nibblies in the warmer too long. Yeah they were a bit brown but I'm pretty sure the pissed-up VIPs wouldn't notice.
Anyhoo, Lawrie calls me a fucking cunt. Eric shouts out from the other end of the kitchen.
"Ooouu, but he faarkin can!"
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 8 Dec 2012, 8:20, 11 replies)

This is my favourite.
b3ta.com/questions/pointlesswank/post1803646
( 4Q just lurking, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 1:19, Reply)

Still think this is the funniest story I've read on QOTW
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/noneedforthat/post33846
(McChinaman banned, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 0:53, 1 reply)

I spent some time on Spotify listening to silly things last night
And a PDQ Bach track had me laughing with actual tears. (this one if you're interested). It was the moment when the chamber music was interrupted by the bagpipes that sent me over the edge.

In a less intellectual mode, I've also compiled this list of rude songs - apologies for the repost, I already touted this on /links a while back. (Any suggestions for songs I should add to the list are welcome!)
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 0:21, 1 reply)

Quite a few years back I had to have my appendix out.
I spend 4 days in hospital, mercifully being moved wards half way through.
I didn't like the first ward much due to one particular old bloke in the far corner. He would shout at anyone that spoke or at any noise, even in the dead of night; "EH?! YOU TALKING TO ME? WHAT DID YOU SAY?" He wasn't deaf, just loud. He would also piss and shit the bed, at least 5 times in 2 days, no matter how much the nurses reassured him that there was a bathroom right by his bed and that all he had to do was buzz for them if he needed help. They would even ask him if he needed to go when they were passing in and out, every answer "no". Then soon after "NURSE!!!!!" He spoke to himself, wailed out in pain when there wasn't any (according to the nurses anyway) etc. Generally he made everyone else's time fairly miserable and not very restful with the shouting and the stench of bodily waste.

To get to the point, the young lass from the shop in the hospital was doing the rounds asking people if they wanted newspapers or anything from the cart. I was sat up in bed, bought a paper and was reading the first page. She nicely approached said coffin dodger and asked if he wanted a newspaper. His volumed reply "WOULDN'T DO ME MUCH GOOD MY QUINE*. I'M BLIND".

Her face dropped (not that he could see it) and she stammered an apology before running out of the door. I, on the other hand, have tore open the paper and stuck my head in it. Trying to hold in the laughter so he can't hear me and slowly sliding down the bed, unable to push myself back up and terrified I'm going to burst my stitches from the laughter which for some reason made me laugh more (giggle loop). Had to get a nurse to help me sit up again. I don't know if it was being in a shitty place and feeling sorry for myself but it cheered me up no end.

*quine = Girl.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 21:29, 15 replies)

I was at the Turin derby last Saturday
as an away (Torino) supporter. When the hated J*ventus fans began their choreography - cue huge flag with their name on it being pulled from pitch level to the top of the first tier - somebody underneath grabbed said flag between the "U" and the "V" and tore a fucking great hole in it.
(barbedwiretumbleweed Fast 'n' Bulbous!, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 20:19, Reply)

Just today
A broker asked me to quote a marine risk. All looks fine and the last line mentions that the Owners had gone bankrupt, abandoned the vessel full of sugar and the head charterers are seeking cover to complete the voyage.

Willis - I almost spilt my Friday fosters.

Dream on.

Prob had to be there.....
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 19:22, 12 replies)

More farting
Seems like many here find farts funny so I'll share this. I don't find them particularly funny but the context of this one did it for me.

About 10 years ago I was filming in a massive English stately home that is world famous but shall remain nameless. The Duke who owned the home had died a few years before and the dowager Duchess had curated an exhibition of the late Duke's favourite works of art.

I was filming Her Grace, a tiny, slightly built woman in her late seventies, as she gave a guided tour of the exhibition for local TV.

After talking about a couple of the paintings she turned to cross the gallery. As she did so, this elegant, refined, diminutive, septuagenarian let off one of THE loudest farts I have ever heard. A Clydesdale horse would struggle to peel one off as loud as that.

Most people would have been mortified to fart in public as she had done but the Duchess carried on talking as if nothing had happened. The guided tour went on for a further 25 minutes by which time I had drawn blood biting my lip to stop laughing and tears rolled down my face.

At the tour's end I left the room on the pretence of checking that everything had been recorded OK. I sat quietly in a corner and silently heaved with laughter along with my colleague who had also heard the guff.

To this day I stil marvel at the fact that such a small woman could fart so loudly and also admire the chutzpah of someone who could carry on as if nothing had happened.
(Barnetboy, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 18:56, 2 replies)

Innuendos at work
I work in an office full of women, and it's fucking soul-destroying. It's all X-Factor this and no swearing that, and I just sit there and wait to die most of the time. However there have been two occasions in which humorous double entendres have lightened my day.

The company I work for deals in perfume, and so naturally we have all sorts of perfumes in the actual office. One particular perfume manufacturer is called Lolita Lempicka, and recently one of the girls had been inspecting one of these perfumes. Given the recent Jimmy Savile shenanigans, I was very amused when she announced, "Right, I'm just going to the toilet to wash this Lolita off my hands."

Sadly due to the broom-up-arse nature of the office, I dared not make it obvious that I found it hilarious as nobody else would have been amused.

There was however one occasion where the innuendo was tame enough that everybody laughed, and this involved the most prim-and-proper member of this humourless shitpit. There was a conversation about various mobile phones, and how obvious their ringtones and vibrate functions were. The fifty-year-old, teetotaller, complain-about-people-in-the-warehouse-swearing lady asked in all innocence, "So can your husband tell when his Desire goes off in his pocket?"

This is a rubbish QOTW, isn't it?
(Eukanuba, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 18:40, 9 replies)

I can't understand Sylvester Stallone when he speaks
with the result that, in the scene in one of the Rocky films where his coach is dying and trying to say his last inspirational words, where Rocky is supposed to say, "No no, don't give up, you're going to be fine!" all I can hear is some special-needs bloke interrupting someone's final moments with gibberish.

"Rocky... there's... not much..."
"uuhhhBUH DUHBI UHRRRRRGAA BWAAAA!"
"...don't interrupt, I..."
"wuuuhhHHURRRRBAAA OOBA!"
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 18:25, 2 replies)

Some people are a bit too serious
*WARNING, TEDIOUS GAME RELATED TROLLING TO FOLLOW*

Last night I invested in a decent little Steam purchase of "Counterstrike: Global Offensive" as I had managed to finally be bothered fix my PC's performance issues after a few months of tinkering (bloody cooling fan was working when it wanted to) and I fancied a bash at something that wasn't involving streaming porn. So I connect to my friend's Teamspeak channel and he's already online having a game and sounding slightly halfcut, which was just as well as he was. I boot up CS:GO and setup a group with him and proceed to join a public game with about 8 other players.

One of those players (whom I won't name but he's a red juice and shouts "Ohhhh yeah" and smashes walls through on american adverts) was on our team and proceeds to talk to the rest of the team while putting on his best Solid Snake voice "WALK WHERE I WALK....WATCH YOUR CORNERS..." He starts sneaking about and quoting various cliché quotes from different soldier films to the point where we automatically all pissed ourselves laughing. Then we realized he was not taking the piss as he got arsey about us ignoring his every command (he'd taken it upon himself to believe he was some kind of general and started ordering everyone around) and that only made it funnier. Me and Jas decided that where-ever he was sneaking to we would stand next to him while shouting "YES SIR" or "ROGER THAT" after everything he said, randomly shoot at stuff so everyone on the other side knew where he was and when he'd say to our team only something like "HEAD TO B" we would shout out to everyone including the other team "HEADING TO B NOW" just to fuck him off.

Took him 2 hours to stop pretending to be Solid Snake, what a cock :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 18:11, 3 replies)

NUNS.... REVERSE!!!
Seeing a nun driving a car always makes me laugh but I've no idea why.
(Barnetboy, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 17:58, 6 replies)

Farts are always funny...
My cat was sitting nicely next to the wall when my boyfriend walked past squatted over her head and farted on her. She looked up in confusion and walked away smacking her lips trying to rid her mouth of poo particles. I'm laughing remembering it maybe you just had to be there *shrugs*
(Bababoon, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 17:34, 7 replies)