The first time I met my girlfriends dad
We were both drunk (me and my girlfriend), back from the pub, about to stumble up the stairs, when her dad, in his threatening irish voice shouts "WHAT ARE YIS DOING WITH MY DAUGHTER?". I freeze...Turn round slowly, crapping myself...He grins, laughs, slaps me on the back and goes "Good man!" and wanders off. True story.
(Booga O Valencia!, Thu 19 May 2005, 19:35, Reply)

First serious boyfriend..
... comes to dinner at my house. During a lull in the conversation, my father (having some fun) leans across the table, stares him in the eyes and asks "so, just how far _have_ you got with my daughter?".

Boyfriend won many points for just smiling and saying "I think you'd better ask her that".
( valley, Thu 19 May 2005, 19:26, Reply)

My best friends ex...
My best mate was going out with this girl, a few years younger than him and quite pretty. Anyway they were getting along pretty well and he goes to her house to pick her up for the first time. Her parents were in and she leaves him in the front room with them while she finishes getting ready. As soon as she goes upstairs her dad says to my friend that he has something to show him, but, he must never tell his girlfriend about it. Sounds ominous ! He then turns on the video and plays him a video of his girlfriend absolutley wrecked and throwing up everywhere on her 18th Birthday! Apparently they recorded it without her realising/remembering and show it to every boyfriend she has....class- good to see some parents have a sense of humour !
(Stretch, Thu 19 May 2005, 19:26, Reply)

it was about a year ago
when my girlfriend came round to visit my parents.

Imagine her surprise when my dad started smearing chilli on my cock whilst my headphone-wearing-stagecoach-driving mother masturbated furiously with a scottish ten pound note.

She never came back - bloody jobsworth skiving ice cream vendor.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Thu 19 May 2005, 19:13, Reply)

My ex
I was round at her house when we were younger, about 17, and knowing both of us were knackered from exams etc. brought round some energy drink. Lola*, being lazier than I, told me to go and get the glasses from her kitchen. So I went up and encountered her mum:

Me: Hi Anne, erm, where are your glasses?

Anne: Oh hi Lannes, right there, are you wanting a drink of something?

Me: No, it's ok I brought round an energy drink, Lola's terrible, all she does is lie there!

Cue Anne looking a bit embarassed and leaving, me not knowing why (I was tired also remember).

Once getting down to Lola's room I realised what I had said. Needless to say it was rather awkward the next few times I encountered them.
(Lannes, Thu 19 May 2005, 19:12, Reply)

Was about
15 I guess. Had been seeing a young lady for a little while, and it came to the time to meet the olds. Clearly I was rather nervous about it, and when I met her Dad, I could see why. Not the most endearing of people I've ever met, he put me on edge from the word go. Anyhoo, we get in the car and go off to a nice country pub for a drink. Sitting around making petty small talk, Ivan says "Why don't the girls go and get some more drinks?" Instant panic flashes through my body, "Oh, shit! He wants to get me on my own!" So girlf and her Mum go to the bar. Cut to Ivan asking me the usual "What are your intentions?" rubbish, then proceeding to tell me if I mess his daughter around, I'll have him to deal with and he'll spread my head all over the shop. Seconds later girlf and Mum appear to me looking rather pale and shaking somewhat at the prospect of the oaf kicking the shit out of me. Needless to say it didn't last too long after that (and she didn't shave her legs.....had to go really)
( D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Thu 19 May 2005, 18:57, Reply)

First (and last) Date with Gen
What I'm about to tell you is true except:
* I saw her again
* The banana stuck to the wall.
* Names have been changed to protect the innocent

I went round to pick Gen up, and was left waiting... Alone... With the parents.

The Dad was this scrawny, little guy who busied himself by asking me the usual Dadesque questions.

The Dad: "So, what do you plan on doing after you graduate?" ("Do you plan on shagging my daughter?")
Me: "Well, I was thinking of joining the Navy." ("Yes, sir, in the ass, twice.").

At least The Dad and I were playing by the rules.

In comes The Mom. The Mom was this gynormous beastly creature -- sans bra -- wearing one of those long tee-shirts. Four sizes too small. Period. After the grinning introductions, she's quiet. For the moment. (In literary circles, this is known as foreshadowing.)

Out comes Gen (freshly showered), looking more or less radiant. She comes over, sits on my lap, and chastely kisses me on the cheek. How sweet is that?

Anyway, The Dad and I are having a nice conversation, when the gals decided that we were monopolizing the conversation.

At the point when The Dad says, "Well, we're living in this shithole because we've just filed bankruptcy," Gen blurts out, "I want 8 inches." Horrified and embarrassed, my jaw drops.

The Mom doesn't even blink. "What do you want 'em to do, Gen? Whitewash your tonsils?"

Holy fucking shit.

Being the nice guy I am, I took her out anyway.

Other than during class, I never saw her again.

The banana, on the other hand, hit the wall with a wet smack and began its slow decent to the floor.
( cciulla doesn't have a board sig., Thu 19 May 2005, 18:43, Reply)

When my girlfriend first met my parents....
my dad came into the living room and asked me if he could borrow my cd...

"I can't remember the name of the cd" he said "but it has that song that goes 'I want to fuck you like an animal'"

Thanks for that dad. It really impressed her that I had a cd with a song that goes like that.

(Although that night i did infact fuck her like an animal!)

BTW the cd was Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral and the song is called Closer
(bdgr can't think of anything witty to type here, Thu 19 May 2005, 18:33, Reply)

First time I met my ex's parents
and pretty much the first thing they said to me was "You're one of us, now!"

Hoping they were joking I chuckled politely, but they remained stoney faced. When I broke up with her some time afterwards (and on the phone as well... I know, I'm really low) she pretended she hadn't heard me, and I had to go through the whole thing again the following day, but making sure I had witnesses that time.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 19 May 2005, 18:12, Reply)

Not quite as I planned the first meeting
Ok So I'm 15 ish and so is she, and we're out in the woods near her house on a summers evening, decide that it is the 'right' time to get jiggy. Weve only seen each other a few times and neither of us has met the others parents.

'But' says she 'got to go home to get condom'. Quite right too thinks I as this gets me out of the shit for not having anything with me, so of we toddle back to hers. It's only round the corner.

I Never imagined there would be anyone at home, and the sound of her calling out those words "Hi Mum, just popped back to get some condoms cos me and Mr. Og are going to have sex tonight....

Cringe
Cringe
Cringe

No apologies for length, girth, bend, or flavour - the ladies love it....
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 19 May 2005, 18:10, Reply)

Which finishing school was that?
Boyfriend meets mother for first time. We're enjoying a nice meal in a nice restaurant. Mother leans over onto one buttock (in my direction) thereby allowing her to let off loud fart in boyfriend's direction. She does not stop speaking throughout.

Mind you, he married me, so it can't have been that smelly.
(thecatsapprentice, Thu 19 May 2005, 18:10, Reply)

Haha, nearly forgot
My last long term gf (4 years) handed me her mobile at the first New Years party we had attended together. Being very drunk and high I shouted into it "Happy new year motherfucker!!!" She turned pale and said: "That was my Dad, calling to wish us a happy new year."

The next year, we were at another party and I got a call on my phone from a number I didn't recognise. Without thinking, I answered it in my usual style, "Happy new year motherfucker!!!" only to be greeted by a pause and her mother's voice asking if her daughter was there.

How's that for a double whammy? Needless to say, I still haven't learned my lesson.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 19 May 2005, 18:09, Reply)

I was 18 and she was 15 (nearly 16)
We'd been seeing each other for a couple of months, and I went to stay round her parents place one night as it was on the other side of town and too far for a taxi. Her mother was adorable, but her father was one of the scariest men I have ever encountered. For a start, he had this gammy eye which would twitch alarmingly and never seemed to be focused on anything. Also he spoke fluent Glaswegian and nothing else - his first question to me was "Surwhassyagurl?"
"I'm sorry?" I said, in my best posh "meeting-the-girlfriend's-parents" voice.
"Whass yur gurl?" he repeated. Turns out he was asking me what I wanted to do in life. That was just the start of the most stilted and uncomfortable conversation I've ever had.

Oh, and we were in separate rooms. I went to "visit" her early the next morning, both keeping as quiet as possible. Suddenly there was a burst of random Scots from the next room which I didn't understand, but assumed (rightly) that it translated as "Git awa' frae ma daughter ye horny wee sassenach!" Anyway, that was the one and only time I stayed round hers.

Apologies for length, girth and smell.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 19 May 2005, 18:00, Reply)

not me.
Last year, my brother brought his first girlfriend, of six months or so, home to meet the family. After a while of sitting around and talking about whatever, my mom "forgot" that she was there, leaned over, and farted. Very loudly. Immediately everyone went silent and stared at her, jaw dropped. Then my brother and his gf burst out laughing, and my dad and I were still in shock. From then on I knew that she'd end up being my sister-in-law. I turned out to be right, and now they're engaged.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 19 May 2005, 18:00, Reply)

'Throbbe', don't you mean 'Renton'?
Nicking a plot device from one of the most popular films ever and posting it as a QoTW answer isn't the cleverest plan I've heard...
(stalinism, Thu 19 May 2005, 17:58, Reply)

Ha now heres a Valenetines day I'll never forget 3-4 years ago
I was with a guy Id been trying to break up for 2 out the 3 months we were together.
It started badly cause I fell over crossing a muddy field and getting covered in mud. I went to his house to meet his parents and to have a candle lit dinner of spaghetti bolognese that his mum made, singing in the kitchen. I felt rather scared by all the staring eyes of the native american portraits that hung all around the house. Could hear his dad falling over and swearing while tiling the bathroom.

The worst was after the meal when his parents said they were 'going out to the pub for half an hour' but all we did was watch the simpsons (no way was I gonna go upstairs or id never get rid of him!)

30 minutes later they return
His dad-"'Ave yeh shagged er yet?"

I dumped him 2 weeks later, and was stalked by him for a further 12 months
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 19 May 2005, 17:56, Reply)

Not strictly meeting the parents, but close
Also, not really girlfriend, but hey.

Drove up to Nottingham with few mates to go clubbing and get over evil ex. Ended up getting friendly with friend of friend post club and in car on way home. No penetration mind, just a little frottage (look it up).

She asked for my number and I was a bit dubious as she seemed a bit immature for a 21 year old, me being about 22 at the time. Fobbed her off by saying her mate had it.

I was in a shop the next day and ran into a bloke I knew. Usual "how are things" conversation. He's a bit upset as his daughter was out all night when she should have been revising for her Year 10? exams (4th year for old gits like me).

Do I need to continue. OK, for the record said daughter appeared and was introduced. Oh lordy yes, she may have accidentally added 7 years to her age when I asked.

Luckily everyone saw the funny side and her dad didn't have me arrested or put out a contract on me, although he never spoke to me again. It took several years for the pisstaking to subside.
(Throbbe, Thu 19 May 2005, 17:46, Reply)

I forgot to mention …
My girlfriend first met my mum when I was hospitalised with a broken leg and a raging infection that nearly finished me off after a bad motorbike crash. I myself was in a pretty confused state of mind, off my head with the fever and the morphine. My mum was even more confused as I hadn’t yet got round to telling her that I’d traded in my previous girlfriend of 9 years for a newer model. Later, my mum offered to drive her round to where I’d been staying so she could bring some of my stuff back to the hospital for me. Mum dropped her at the front door, saying she’d look for somewhere to park around the corner, and drove off. My gf picked up the stuff, waited about an hour - how long does it take to find somewhere to park outside a house with a driveway and a garage - and then had to catch the bus back to the hospital.
(SpittyWoonerism, Thu 19 May 2005, 17:42, Reply)

Lawnmower Man
My 1st proper gf - when I was about 16, and I'd just walked her home from a date. It was a beautiful, mild summer night, about 11:00pm, after a stinkin' hot and humid day.
We were having a bit of a kiss and a cuddle on her (parents')front porch. Suddenly the porch light comes on, the garage door opens - rollrollrollyCLANG - and with a sputtersputterfart-roar the LAWNMOWER is started! Seems her dad (a lanky and highly eccentric Australian statistics professor from the local university)thought that 11:00 at night was a good time to cut the grass - and, possibly, maybe, hmmmm - keep an eye on me and scare me home. Worked. With the lights starting to come on and doors opening in neighbouring homes, I politely shook my gf's hand and toddled off home, my aching lover's nuts throbbing audibly all the way back.
(ring-finger is also a verb, Thu 19 May 2005, 17:21, Reply)

First meeting with french in-laws I was galantly carrying all the luggage
for me and the missus. This caused me to stumble when going in for the gallic kiss on the cheek and soundly headbutt her mother.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 May 2005, 17:19, Reply)

not me but my dad when he was younger....
my mum's english and my dad is from scotland but before my dad was going round to see my mums parents for the first time, he gave my mum a call to organise when he should come round etc but she was living with her parents

Dad: (scottish accent)"Hi can i speak to liz please?"
My grandad (vaguely racist): "I'm sorry i think you have the wrong number"
Dad: "I'm sure this is the right one.. can i speak to liz please?"
Grandad "hold on"
Grandad then shouts to the rest of the family: "There's some pakistani guy on the phone asking for Lez!"

My Dad was so embarrassed when he went round that evening and we always laugh about it when we get together at christmas....
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Thu 19 May 2005, 17:06, Reply)

Drunk is not a good way to do it...
I'd been with the current Mrs Jimlad for a few weeks when talk of meeting her parents started. Thankfully what I thought at the time to be the ideal opportunity arose: Her dad's birthday was the same as my best mate's and they were going to the same pub to celebrate. Great, no having to make bullshit conversation in a drab sitting room, I thought. What I hadn't banked on was already being bollocksed before her parents even turned up (we'd gone to the pub straight from work, they turned up late evening). So being a pissed up fool I'm discussing Mrs Jimlad's tits with my mate and have just reeled off, in a typically loud drunken voice, "I tell you what mate, they were huge to begin with but since she's gone on the pill I swear they're even bigger" - accompanied, ofcourse, with the internationally recognised hand gesture to depict a pair of stupendous swinging melons. I think you can guess where this is going now but it was worse than you think. For some ungodly reason my mate chose this moment to invent and sing a song called "Norks A'grande!" featuring my name, the missus's name and the majestic wonderment of her tits. Then came the bit you've been expecting: I get whirled round by a red-faced missus to meet her mum and dad while I'm still doing the internationally recognised hand gesture for a pair of huge funbags and my mate's singing some nonsense about "suffocating in her pillowy delights".

They've never mentioned it (the girlfriend has though, repeatedly) and I hold on to the slim hope that they were too drunk to remember it.

Still, 3 years and counting.... perhaps they were impressed by the song....
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:54, Reply)

Metal head
Have to say never had a bad time meeting my boyfriends parents, get on with his mum, his Dad worries me a bit but what the hell!
However my boyfriend has 3 eyebrow piercings cue my uncle calling him 'metal head'.
(purplefairy, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:54, Reply)

Poo stain
After seeing a girl for a few weeks when I was sixteen, she told me that her parents were away for the night. So after a club, and drunk, we went back to hers, did some monkey style fucking, then fell asleep in her mum and dads bed.
At 5am their car pulled up in the drive. Frantically getting dressed in the dark, I managed to get my shit together just in time and escape through the back door before they saw me.
Only after the three mile walk home, when I went for a shower, did I find that I'd picked up and put on a pair of her dad's pants instead of my own, and that they were painted on the inside with the most enormous skidmark I've ever seen. And it wasn't mine.
(pb4ugo2bed, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:47, Reply)

No justice
1st holiday away with my ex's family and 'Loaded' and similar lads mags were a new thing on the market. I get accused in a loud voice by her and her younger sister of bringing a porno to the beach.

Majorly disapproving looks all round and no-one listens to my protest of innocence or even looks to see what they're on about.

Best off out of that one...
(dustydisturbed, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:46, Reply)

"The Angel Picture"
I'd been seeing a woman for a few weeks. After me and her running into my parents at the store, I figured it was time for the "official" meeting. So a few days later off we go to my parents' house.

Mom likes her wine. Sometimes she goes a little overboard, and when she does, she gets really sentimental and teary-eyed. I just happened to pull the lucky number and show up on a "bad" night.

After about 30 minutes of normal conversation, my mom leaves the room, and comes back with a picture I hadn't seen before. It is of two angels watching over a sleeping baby. Mom has tears in her eyes.

"Sniff - When I have grandchildren - sniff - I am going to hang this picture *sniff!* over the crib! Boo hoo hooooo!"

Stunned silence. Disbelief. Nervous glances between the GF and myself.

15 years later, still no children. I'm told the angel picture still exists, ready and waiting. Maybe I'll become a Catholic priest...
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:42, Reply)

It was Christmas eve
and the first time my boyfriend spent the holidays with us. He was not nervous about my parents has he'd met them before but worried about Xmas dinner.
About 4 o'clock in the morning, he wakes me up, he had shat in his sleep. Cue me changing the sheets and putting the soiled ones in the washing machine. My mum being a mum woke up as I was heading down the stairs, thinking that another boyfriend had been sick. Cue half the household being awake, my mum frantic's search for immodium.
Needless to say that by the time we had lunch everybody knew what had happened, and my nan spent the entire meal telling him what he should or should not eat so it didn't happen again.
(albator, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:40, Reply)

Late meeting
My missus has had some ups and downs with her parents. Eventually (in her 20s) she moved out of home (on Mothers day) without telling her parents where she was going.

Then I came on the scene. It took me many months before I met her parents, not that I minded of course. We were talking about it the other day - turns out she was afraid I'd tell them where she lived.

It all went well though.
(Skippyfillet, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:40, Reply)

Odd dad, and ugly mother I knew she was gonna turn out like.
When in my first year at uni I got involved with a girl and met her parents just before Christmas in a Wetherspoons for lunch.

Her father had only one arm due to a horrendous building site cement mixer accident decades previously. Of course, on meeting him, I extend my hand to shake his right (prosthetic) hand, only to stumble, fumble and then clutch at his left (normal) hand while grinning and tripping over my words like an arse.

Hilariously he quipped, "There's no arm in it" followed by hideous wheezing laughter and every other crap amputee related joke he could think of to put me at ease, I'm guessing.

He was very nervous himself and so was trying extra hard to be friendly and personable. His enormous face was uncomfortably close to mine.

Gf's Mum was a ruddy fat bitch with witch's hair. She just rolled her eyes for the duration of the encounter. And ate.

They scared the shit out of me. gf was plain embarrassed by these awkward flids she called Mammy and Daddy. She was the first of her kin to go to Uni, see, and wanted to impress the middle class me. She insisted we leave after we'd eaten, to assuage her (our?) anxiety.

I didn't get any pudding. I wasn't that desperate to leave. And they were buying.
(jokaah, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:36, Reply)

Oh my.....
www.b3ta.com/questions/dating/post16674/

Here we go again (the scars never heal...)

Back in the day when I was a young, free, single, pisshead I pulled this girl in my local and ended up going back to hers. Much alcohol had been imbibed so we got down to it right there on her front room floor. Clothes scattered everywhere, sweaty, drunken monkey-sex. Fantastic. Rather than face a cold walk home ('Twas January) I gratefully accept her offer to stay the night and off to bed we go.
We wake the next afternoon somewhat fuzzy headed and bollock naked in her bed. She starts pestering me to go downstairs to feed the cats, get the milk in and make a cup of tea (this was a sign of things to come, read on...). I protest saying that it's freezing cold, I'm stark naked and my clothes are all downstairs on her front room floor. Eventually, with the promise of more hanky panky on my return, she persuades me to trek downstairs. To cover my nakedness I grab the only item of clothing I can see - a black dress. She started smirking when I put it on but I didn't care. The sight of a six-foot guy with a shaved head in a little black dress may be funny but I was getting some when I got back.
Anyway, I find the kitchen and feed the cats and walk off to the front door to get the milk, stopping only to put my boots on on the way (it was January and my feet were freezing). I open the door and bend down for the milk when I hear something behind me. I turn around just in time to see my new lover running towards me with a grin on her face and have just enough time to register that she has cum in her hair from last night before she shoves me full force onto the icy pavement and shuts the door. It's freezing cold, I'm wearing a dress and my boots and hammering on the door to be let in and I can hear her giggling behind the door like it's the funniest joke ever. This went on for about 5 minutes before a car pulled up and I suddenly remember her saying last night that she had to be up in time to cook dinner because her parents were coming round. I stop hammering and tell her her folks are here but she thinks it's a ruse. Until she hears her dad, suddenly confronted by a cross-dressing skinhead kicking his daughter's door down, bellow "what the hell are you doing?". The door flies open and I get introduced to what would become my girlfriend's mum and dad while I'm wearing a dress and combat boots. I thought it couldn't get any worse till her mum breezed passed me and said "Rhian, is that semen in your hair?"

Amazingly we lasted a year but her parents did call me Gaylord for the entire duration in reference to Ben Stiller's character in 'Meet The Parents'. Then this happened....
www.b3ta.com/questions/revenge/post9623
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Thu 19 May 2005, 16:34, Reply)