Don't f*ck with metalwork guillotines
Year: 1967

Age: 12

Location: Boarding school in Singapore.

Story: Mate and me both out of bounds after school, (actually we were trying to see if any of the girls from the girls' house were sunbathing topless on the gym roof, which they did quite regularly)...They weren't so we went for a wander....

Stumble upon unlocked guillotine outside of metalwork room and decide to make Ninja stars from hardboard we found lying around.

Long story to short....shiny side of hardboard to shiny side of table = fucking disaster....Fingers slide under blade as we both push down on respective pedals.

I scream "STOP" and take foot off pedal, (they are MY fingers afterall), ....mate didn't.

Result: Tops of fingers sliced off clean as that baldie ref's whistle.

Apologies for length....I wish I had some elsewhere.

Pics available if I could find where to load the buggers.
(Porta White cider is Gods' way of saying "Forget it"., Fri 2 Jun 2006, 16:49, Reply)

This
www.b3ta.com/questions/missingbodyparts/post56306/

Without anasthetic. Afterwards she told me she could have used it "but I'm not sure it would have done much good". Ta bitch.
( Spunk Murphy Tchaikovsky is a synonym for fanny, apparently, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 16:47, Reply)

A friend, who shall remain nameless...
(mainly coz he was a bit miffed that I namechecked him in the last qotw) hurt himself on the beach as a youngster and had to have part of his foreskin removed.*

So presumably he now has a twoskin...



* - No really, he did.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 16:46, Reply)

A toenail
And it wasn't even an exciting story - it was infected and ingrowing, and so had to be removed under local anaesthetic.


Ho-hum.
(insert username here, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 16:45, Reply)

fingers
as i've shamefacedly admitted before, i'm a lawyer.

there was a famous case a while ago where a worker had lost a finger in a machine. after going to hospital to have the gaping gash sewn up and having time off to recuperate, he went back into work.

"but i don't understand," his boss said, scratching his head and looking sympathetic but puzzled. "how did you do it?"

"like this," said the bright spark, plunging his other hand into the machine...... and yes, losing another finger.

true story. i'd cite the party names but (i) i can't remember them as i'm not a slips and trips lawyer, and (ii) nobody cares anyway!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 16:30, Reply)

I lost my cock...
...in the anus of a rabid Baboon.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Fri 2 Jun 2006, 16:28, Reply)

Leg
Ok, its not really missing as such but it doesnt feel like its there anymore.

Im part of a re-enactment group and hit myself in the knee with a 5 pound mace. Best bit was i was outside enjoying the fresh air talking to some peeps at the time and just swung it at my knee cap.

Result? Damaged nerve, permenant dead leg from knee down, cold foot (right one) and best bit is i cant move my foot, and it flaps when i walk so you always know when im behind you!

Appologies for length and girth? nah, i was gifted
(hmm..., Fri 2 Jun 2006, 16:26, Reply)

oh yes
A bit of my ear came off once when I fell off my bicycle riding down a hill blind drunk.

There are lots of elements to this story, including me shouting incredulously to a foreign cleaner in a geriatric ward that she needed to sew my ear back on AT ONCE!

But the main part was that when I eventually found Casualty and was being seen to, the Doctor got a needle stick, and said she needed to ask me some questions. She asked my profession and, hilariously, I replied "rent boy". She said "this is serious" and I told her "don't worry I'm a high class hooker, my blood is clean as a whistle, you won't get the AIDS or anything".

When I went to have the stitches out a few weeks later, sober and ashamed, they said "you're not Browser are you?". I replied that I was, and that I was surprised they knew my name, given that I was a day early for my appointment. The nurse said "so you're a prostitute then?" and I replied in the negative; "I work in publishing".
"Well" she replied "I've got prostitute down here on your medical record so I'm afraid you're stuck with that now. Ah well at least you are 'high class'". How they all laughed.

If I'm in an accident please tell my mother my medical records are inaccurate.

Apologies for length (OF MY PENIS!!!!)
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 16:11, Reply)

Man's Best Friend
There was a guy who lived in my road, and he has, yes STILL HAS a black and white staffordshire bull terrier called 'Badger'. One day, he was messing with the dog, hitting it and winding it up a bit, so it jumped up, bit his fucking ear off, and ate it.

He kept the dog. And can no longer wear sunglasses.

Every time I see him in the pub I ask him if he wants a pint, but his reply is always the same.

"No thanks, mate...I've got one ear."

Get my coat? It's summer. I'm wearing a poncho.
(Georgie Porgie, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 16:06, Reply)

corkscrew
I have a hole in my heart.

The bitch.

No, really, I have a hole in my heart.

No pictures though
(bendyness shows you on the brick where he licked her, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 16:04, Reply)

Skulls!
When my dad was about six years old, he lived in Hawaii. Most of the trees there are very easy to climb, and so he would, all the time. Then one day his friend came up with him, and he was pushed.

He is now missing a chunk of his skull and has some sort of plate in there holding it together. I used to try to stick magnets to his head, but it never worked.

It must run in the family, though, because I was once hit in the back of the head with a lump of concrete by my very scary neighbor. Now I have what feels like a small dent in the back of my skull. But, since we were playing a game at the time, and I couldn't feel it right away, I decided that it would be fun to scare people. Since it was a head injury, it was bleeding like a bastard, and so I put my hands behind my head, got them dripping with blood and chased people. Fun kid, me.
(Fodqou, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 16:01, Reply)

I haf a few half-teeth.
Never juggle with rocks... in the dark.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 15:49, Reply)

teeth
Yeah, yeah, all of us have had our "stupid teeth" out. What bothers me though is that the teaching hospital that took my teeth out wouldn't let me keep them, thus depriving me of a potentially cool piece of jewelry. I did discover that DIAZEPAM IS FUN!!!! though.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 15:45, Reply)

swingball
left my shorts and a small piece of my scrotum on the splintery seat of a homemade ropeswing
(skindley, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 15:31, Reply)

A small piece of bone growing backwards into my knee
It grew into a big lump on my leg, then I had it cut out. I still have the scar to prove it :D
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Fri 2 Jun 2006, 15:20, Reply)

Veruccas
For several years I had what can only be described as a plague of veruccas. It was of biblical proportions. I was actually beginning to wonder if God was smiting me for twenty-one years of eating bacon sandwiches. Nothing got rid of the bastards. I tried verucca patches, verruca cream, home freezing kits, had them frozen off at the doctor's - they either stayed put, or pretended to bugger off for a while only to regrow with a vengeance a couple of weeks later.

A couple of years ago I started taekwondo. This involves bare feet. At this point I had over forty of the little bastards and was horribly self-conscious about the warty state of my feet, so went to great pains to make sure nobody ever caught a glimpse of them. The most crucial time was when we were sitting cross-legged on the floor watching demonstrations - I developed a technique which involved surreptitiously pulling my dobok over my feet so that nobody would see the diseased nastiness on my soles...

Anyway, after a few weeks I started to relax a bit. Nobody was really looking at my feet. It was fine. Then one day my instructor came over to correct my side kick. He grabbed my foot to manipulate it into the correct footsword position...and suddenly looked as if he was going to throw up.

The veruccas finally disappeared after three months of intensive treatment with Extra-Strength Bazuka Gel. Now, after an eighteen month respite, I have three gestating on my right big toe.

WHY, GOD, WHYYYYYYY?????!!!!!!!!!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 15:18, Reply)

missing body parts
About 2 years ago, i lost my virginity*

_{* may not be 100% fact}
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 15:12, Reply)

How many skins? 4 you say?
My freddie foreskin is lounging in a medical landfill site just outside shrewbury at the moment. I am not.

But I don't want to talk about it...oh the humanity!!
(MVP , cricking peoples necks since 1976, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 15:12, Reply)

This guy in America I know...
...has only got one arm - he lost the other one in Iraq.

That's not the interesting bit though - Lewis (that's his name) went for a swim and disappeared for a couple of days. When he came back his arm had grown back!

Sadly though, his boss convinced him that it was weird and a bad thing, so he cut it off again with a small chainsaw thing.



EDIT: Littlesunshine, it's not strangling nurses, it's slowly making its way back to you so that you can be reunited again for ever and ever.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 14:59, Reply)

toenails again and again
first time was when i stubbed my toe moving a bed, that just went black and manky then fell off. Then this time last year just as it was getting back to normal I was doing a cartwheel in the road coming back from the pub, in flip-flops and twatted my toe on the floor. Cue lots of blood and saying of ow.
Over the course of the next week it got to look pretty manky and was obviously infected, so it had to come off.



So I went to A&E at the new UCH and got my friendly surgeon dude to whip it off for me, the most painful bit is the ring block where they are anaesthetising your toe by putting local anaesthetic through a needle at the base of the toe on either side. then he grabbed a pair of pliers and just yanked the fucker off. Because I'm a sick bastard and a medical student I took a picture straight away.




apologies for length and the fact it's dripping with blood, it's your first time you say?
(flap flap flap, that's a bat, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 14:46, Reply)

I'm a guitarist...
...and I live in fear of losing a finger, hand or arm, and tell myself that if I had the choice, I'd choose both legs over one arm. Hopefully I'll never get the chance to find out what I'd really do.

Other than that, I had my tonsils and uvula removed when I was 30. Not very interesting at all really, sorry. Although a surprising amount of people have asked me "how I manage" without a dangly thing at the back of my throat - like I used it a lot when I had it!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 14:31, Reply)

Im not one for stereotypes, but............
when I was growing up we had an irish odd job man called joe come around to sort our garden out.

Jo wasn't the sharpest tool in the box. One day while mowing the lawn he got fed up of the lawnmower cutting out every time he let go of a safety button on the handle. His bright idea was to tape said button down. This worked brilliantly for around an hour. that is untill the blades ground to a hault.

Forgetting his time saving device he lifted the lawnmower to see why the blades had stopped (he did this by placing his hand under the lawnmower and lifting) once it was raised the blades where free from the stone that had jammed them and lo and behold Joe was now fingerless. A quick jaunt to the hospital and a few hours surgery later and jo had his fingers back.

I saw him again a couple of weeks later still very chipper and sporting two of the biggest tom and jerry bandages in the world.
(barronshark, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 14:28, Reply)

My gran managed to chop off the end of a finger
while repositioning her foldout chair at the beach and accidentally putting her finger through one of the scissorsy contraptions that hold it together.
A classic scene unfolded: an unpleasant slicing sound, my gran almost casually said "oh my, the end's missing..." followed by my mum letting out a blood-curdling shriek and going sheet white.

The French beach guards had a hard time understanding my mother, what with trying to preserve the chopped-of bit of granfinger in her mouth...
(Caustic Armadillo consists at least 30% out of custard, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 14:15, Reply)

Now that's magic.
You know that old trick that is handed down through each generation? The one where you pretend the have a removable thumb that slides along your hand? When I was 18 I showed it to my five year old neice who promptly screamed her lungs out and fainted.
Everyone comes into the room to find me leaning over an unconscious, dishevelled kid and stammering something about his thumb and 'coming off'.
(DrTugnut, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 14:14, Reply)

Sir Nippless
A friend of mine in school once thought putting his nipple in a vice would be fun. He was wrong.
(randy the gnome, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 14:09, Reply)

To injure yourself once with a circular saw is unfortunate.......
..twice takes my alcoholic woodwork teacher, Mr Macy. He was within sight of pension when his missus left him and he took to the bottle.

First, he cuts his thumb clean off and it gets sewn back on.

Second, a year later, he is sawing something he dozes off, nods his head forward and he cuts his forehead!! This needless to say, it woke him out of his slumber quickly so he avoided serious injury.
(g0atboy, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 14:06, Reply)

Weird stump finger
My Grandad is an engineer (is only in his early 60s) and has been since he left school,so he's had a fair few injuries. However,a few years ago,he managed to chop the end of his little finger off with a crowbar. He went to hospital and they told him they couldnt sew the bit of finger back on,so they just sewed up the end. They also put a little something in the finger to make the nail grow on the end of the creepy munchkin finger.

Now it just looks fucking horrid and odd,this little tiny dwarf finger. I'd have preferred a stump!
(Miharu, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 13:44, Reply)

saw point
a good friend of mine, v well educated (expensive and exclusive public school, good university etc) decided that rather than follow the family tradition and going into banking, the city etc, was going to become Outdoor Man, and got a job with a firm of fencing contractors. One afternoon, working on a job involving post-and-wire fencing, he mislaid his fencing pliers, and couldn't cut the wire to lenght. So, being a practical chap and not wanting to face the ignominy of admitting to losing the pliers (akin to losing yr rifle in the army, apparently), he wrapped the lenght of wire round both hands, and.....


put the wire into the spinning circular saw.

university education? can't beat it. As he's reminded of every time he looks at his stumps.
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 13:43, Reply)

I left my heart in Iran
Or was it San Francisco?
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Fri 2 Jun 2006, 13:41, Reply)