Cunning chaps, women.
Whilst at uni I finally managed to acquire a girlfriend. Unbelievable. She was lovely and I was her first boyfriend. Despite my nervous enthusiasm, I guess I was slightly relieved when she announced very early on in the relationship that she didn't want to go all the way with me until she 'really really knew me - maybe in 6 months or so'. That was cool.

I was content with frequent hand jobs and just being in the presence of such a beautiful girl.

However, 6 months came and went, and by now I was pretty much champing at the bit. There's only so many late night bus trips home with aching bollocks that a young man can handle.

Still no word though, and I didn't want to push it by making an enquiry.

3 months later, she dumped me. Out of the blue. On my birthday.

Bah.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 30 Oct 2006, 17:05, Reply)

She was as mad as a bag of cut snakes
I was 16, she was my first girlfriend. I'd chased her for months, but as soon as we were together she turned out to be a right bunny boiler.
Anyway, after a few weeks, I'd grown weary of her fairytale world of relationships and began to grow distant.
Her way of getting me back was to offer herself to me sexually. It put me right off, I didnt know what to say so I just said "No Thanks". She was deflated, crushed. She went off and tried to cop off with friends of mine, all of whom pushed her away.
Wibble
(LunarJim, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 16:55, Reply)

I could have lost mine in a threesome...
I was living in halls at university at the time. My flat consisted of me and 5 other blokes, although we often had 2 lady folk drinking in the flat with us. Everyone was a bit drunk, and the women went out into the corridor playing silly buggers.

A little while later, they came back in and asked me to go with them. I said no, as I was comfortable and it was my go on the PlayStation next.

Someone later told me they did naughty things together. On my bed.
(Keiths Dad, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 16:50, Reply)

And then there was the time.....
I very nearly lost my virginity at the tender age of 14. It was summer and I was watching a game of hockey out of the classroom window during a maths lesson when I used my the force of my adolescent will power to slow time down to a complete stop. I hopped out of the window and walked onto the hockey pitch where a 5th former I’d had my eye on for some time was frozen in the act of bending over to place the hockey ball for a shot.

I lovingly raised her skirt and gingerly lowered her P.E. knickers until they were around her ankles. Then I dropped my trousers and pants and using my left hand, gently parted her lips as my right hand directed my throbbing todger hole-wards…

“CHE!! What was the last thing I said?”

D’oh, foiled again!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 16:40, Reply)

almost lost it as well.......
.........but tarbin ran after the goat TOO fast.

BUM!!
(a_monkey_on_a_mission, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 15:48, Reply)

Though my virginity's long dead and buried...
it's virtually grown back of late.

In a similar (blue)vein though, I almost had sex with the missus the other week. Then I woke up to find I'd been dry humping her in my sleep, and she wasn't best impressed.

Cuntsocks.
(misteroz, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 15:36, Reply)

Dippy girl
I was in love with a real dippy bint when we were in the 6th form. Someone asked her if she was a virgin, her answer:

"I can't remember, is that when you have, or haven't?"

This was the girl that thought gonads wandered around in the desert. She was dead sexy though and slept on my floor once when she had a fight with her Mum. I worshipped her and once got up the courage to ask her to the pictures. She said no.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 15:30, Reply)

Unbelievable dream
I was backpacking in Egypt and a group of us hired a felucca to drift down the Nile for two or three days. I didn't have a sleeping bag for the cold desert nights and the two Swedish girls offered to let me share the duvet they were hauling around.

I WAS INVITED TO SHARE A BED WITH TWO RED HOT SWEDISH GIRLS!

On the first night I was spooning Anna and stroking her perfect skin. Her long blonde hair smelled divine. The backs of her silky thighs and her soft, pert arse nuzzled me. But with 8 other people on deck and her prim friend under the covers with us, I daren't slip her one.

Next day, she opted to sleep on shore. With the muscular Aussie guy from our group. Don't know if she was a virgin, but it was the best sex I never had. She invited me to come with her to Israel, but my money was all gone.
(frankspencer, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 15:17, Reply)

Eh, what?
I did this one the other week under 'Regrets'. Feel free to read it again, but I've got another one as well.

I first started back-packing/inter-railing round Europe when I was 16. I always travelled alone, because I'm a bit of a loner anyway, and also, I found it easier to meet new people and ‘be myself’ when not with people who knew me already.

I know some of you think “Be yourself” is dumb advice, but it is very hard at age 16 or 18 to be yourself, when the person you are is changing, developing whereas your friends' perceptions of you don’t. My friends saw me as shy, mischievous Che who didn’t have girlfriends – full stop (or – period, for you Merkins [by the way, I looked that up on Wikipedia the other day!!! Naughty.])

When I arrived at a Youth Hostel in the South of France, alone, I was Che the daring, intrepid adventurer, smoking roll-ups, reading Sartre, sitting on my own, listening more than talking. Gradually, I would join in, talk, be myself…and people liked me for who I was.

Now, I was in the YH at Frejus on the Cote D’Azur and got to know a few folks. One of them was very familiar looking and although he never admitted it, I’m convinced it was 1970s English actor Patrick Mower (this was around 1979), although he pretended he was French. He offered to take a few of us to a nude beach just down the coast and this was my first exposure (sorry) to naturism – but that’s another story.

At this time I was as horny as four rhinos in a Mexican stand-off, and spending much of each day on the beaches, then having to share a dormitory at night wasn’t helping. So…one evening, we were sat around talking when some bright spark suggested a late night swim. Now, I’d been chatting to a German lass called Enya for most of the evening, and when she agreed, I too said yes. “Here’s my chance,” I thought, “it’ll be dark, we’ll be thrashing around in the surf, who knows what’ll happen?”.

So imagine my utter dismay and disgust when a Yank called Eric put his arm around Enya as we made our collective way down to the beach. We all stripped down to cossies and did the usual splashing malarkey, but my heart wasn’t in it. Eric was all over Enya and when the rest of us trooped back up to the hostel, they remained on the beach for some time.

The very worst of it was that I KNOW she was keen on ME! She’d been flirting with me for a couple of days and when Eric ‘claimed’ her, she looked over to me, sadly, signalling silently to me that she was sorry, but….

Oh well….
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 15:08, Reply)

Almost lost it...
... but that damn goat was just too fast
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 13:23, Reply)

And the second time...
First proper girlfriend and she's filthy as. Pretty, long blond hair, enormous tits that she loved to have played with, and a mouth on her that gave better orgasms than some fannies I've buried myself in since. And she swallowed.

Oh, and she was a God-bothering virgin.

Of course, I was all respectable and nice. We did all kinds of things, but never played hide-the-sausage. Hide-any-inanimate-object, yes. But sausage... no.

Then one day. In the car, parked up. Nice quiet place. Her wearing a skirt with no underwear and she says "I don't know why we don't... you know... I mean, nobody else would know..."

"You'd know," I said. Complete gent, as I said. Complete wanker as I later discovered when she started seeing one of my mates behind my back and fucked him silly.

In fairness, I have it on good authority the bastard was packing 10 inches. The good authority was *her* best mate who I *did* pop my cherry with. And who, when we broke up, ended up copping off with him in a "swap" night so that she could get off with one of his other mates... who she then ran off with after they'd got engaged. And then ended up getting married to (and divorced from).

Told you she was filthy. The only reason I regret not fucking her. I bet she was good.
(Mosh Worldwide traveller and random mentalist, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 13:03, Reply)

Oh so close...
Picture the scene if you will; halfway through their second year at university ('99), my best mate and his uni pals decided to hold a Millenium Bash at their student house, and invite a barrel-load of people, myself included. I wasn't at university at the time because I was/am a lazy cunt, but often took the train to see him, and also to get occasional surreptitious tops and fingers off one of his housemates who was a particularly hot blonde bit (who we'll call Lucy, and also had a boyf who lived in said house with said mate).

It had transpired that the boyf wasn't able to attend the party, so it had been taken as read that I would be able to finally seal the deal and nail Lucy, thereby confirming her infidelity and finally tearing off and burning my V-plates. This overconfidence would prove to be instrumental in my downfall...

Being the Millenium, it was obviously seen as necessary to drink more than we'd ever drunk before, as the world was destined to end at the stroke of midnight. This meant that I wasn't being my usual charming, witty, erudite self in my attempts to coerce this young minx to bed; basically, I was falling all over myself by 11 o'clock, and it was looking increasingly unlikely that a) I would be concious come the end of the world, and b) that I'd get to fuck Lucy bandy. I could see that things weren't entirely going to plan, so I stopped myself from drinking anymore to ensure I could get my act together and do the deed once the chimes had gone.

Come midnight, I'm as shocked as anyone to find I'm still standing, at which point Lucy took me by the hand and led me to an upstairs bedroom. My brain registered this and set about firing all cylinders to get me up to speed; tongues were entwined, clothes were torn off, boobs were inexpertly manhandled. I was good to go. A condom was duly applied and pokeage scheduled to begin, and after a few false starts, I was away.

My inept fumblings had somehow led to me sticking a finger into her unprepared back chute; the withdrawal of the digit presented me with a nugget of shit, but by this time I was far too excited to finally be conkers-deep in a real-life lady to even think about stopping. Thankfully, she seemed to be enjoying herself, things were getting more and more slippery and ecstatic moans were forthcoming. I, however, was getting nowhere. As rock-hard as I was, the booze had taken its toll and I wasn't gonna cough my filthy yoghurt for love nor money. After a good hour of rutting, I was actually forced to fake my own orgasm if only so I could go to sleep, therefore (in my mind) meaning the V-plates I was so ready to tear up remained in pristine condition.

Still, three months later, she was still my first, and when I did finally spaff with her in the vicinity, it was three times in one night. Woo for me.

Length? Nothing to be proud of, but fuck me it'll do the business.
( <somethingfunny> hasn't said anything funny since, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 12:39, Reply)

Girls will understand this one
Every bloody time you managed to even get close, you'd be on the blob. And not even towards the end "oh it doesn't matter, it'll be kinky", but full on tarrentino period. The guy would reach down with his hand and you'd pull it back up. He'd look rejected. And you want to yell at him "I'M ON THE BLOB YOU SELF OBSESSED TWAT IT'S NOTHING TO *DO* WITH YOU", but you're teenage and shy and can't, so you leave the poor boy wondering what the hell he did wrong.

*sigh* well that's that one done.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 12:23, Reply)

'ALMOST' virginity - only having ever been with 1 person, for 20 years, it's like being a virgin , but not quite technically!
Right be gentle with me here as it's not exactly my virginity, but my 'almost' virginity, and these events are still fresh, very fresh in my memory! This for me will be cathartic... I hope!

I lost my proper virginity 24 years ago at the age of 14, and then went on to marry the girl and live with her very happily for 20 years without even so much as kissing another girl. I kinda assumed that this was a good thing and guaranteed me entry to heaven when I died for leading such a pure life. Then 2.5 years ago I found out that this 'love of my life' had been shagging my best mate! I spent 2 years trying to sort out the marriage until I gave up 6 months ago and started looking around for some fun of my own.

I started getting close to a friend of a friend a few months ago. Close enough for me to tell the 'love of my life' it was over and this freed me up to pursue my new beloved! My beloved and me have spent many weeks emailing and chatting, I've been working away so we have spent hours on the phone getting to know each other but she was always adamant that nothing was going to happen 'that way' as I was still living with 'phsyco bitch from hell'

See how they change? 'the love of my life' to 'phsyco bitch from hell' in 2 short years - beware!

So anyways, I arrange last week to come home from a business trip a day early, not to tell 'phsyco bitch from hell', but go and spend the night with new beloved, who is still insisting that nothing is going to happen, that we can just go to bed together and cuddle and sleep. So I get to hers on Thursday night, we have a few drinks (well, champagne, ouzo, vodka and wine) and then she says at 3.00am that it's time to go to bed. Ok sounds good, I'm knackered after a week away and all the drink. We head upstairs, strip off and get into bed, cuddle up, me expecting to just snooze off like that.

And then she jumps me! Starts snogging and getting well into it. I'm lying there in the arms of only the second women I've ever even snogged let alone anything else. I'm pissed and very tired, caught totally unawares. I did rise to the occasion, but I'm sad to say, not for long enough. The nerves, booze and sleep deprivation kicked in and I had to admit defeat.

She was understandably upset, although not as upset as I was considering it was my equipment at fault! But she was certainly making more fuss about than I was as I slipped away into a drink induced slumber!

So the following morning, I have to spend many, many minutes saying that "No, I don't want to go back to 'phsyco bitch from hell', that I love her and that the previous night was due to nerves, booze etc..." and we start to get amorous again, eventually. I give her a couple of good seeing to's but my equipment is now on total strike and would not rise to the occasion, why did it have to pick this morning of all mornings to fail!

She wasn't complaining too much mind as she was getting hers, actually she reckoned that she could get used to this kind of service!

So there you go, I failed to lose my 'almost' virginity last friday morning. I'm hoping this open and honest confession of my failings will help to expunge the horror of it from my mind and allow me to give her a bloody good seeing to the next time we get together, although I have thought that maybe giving up wanking 3 times a day may help more!


Oh and for the record, I did go back again on Friday evening and did rise to the occasion, but she's so small down there I thought I was hurting her and that put me right off my stroke! So I failed again on Friday night, although I suppose it depends on how your technically define losing your virginity!

Obligatory size comment:

After the cavern that was 'phsyco bitch from hell', I don't need anything huge for new beloved.... which is just as well!
(anon_is_best, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 12:05, Reply)

nightmare
i was 13 when my friend and i went out in buxton for the night. i had never snogged anyone before and was quite keen to get some of that action. so we drank 2 bottles of red "thunderbird" (i feel sick just typing the name) and cruised the dodgy pubs until we met some rugger lads.

they told us they were from new zealand - at the vinegar strokes the accent turned out to be ipswich - and after a while, we were snogging 2 of them. they took us back to their guesthouse, punctuated with such charming comments to each other as "this is b0llocks mate, we're not getting any out of them, let's go back to the pub". my friend, who was much more experienced that i was, disappeared into her bloke's room, leaving me with mine. within minutes we could hear both of them moaning. not good.

he was 32. i was 13. he thought i was 18. when he found out i was only 13, he was pissed off because he realised he wasn't going to get a shag. but then he decided that 13 was kinky and he reeeeally liked it. he made me let him "teach" me how to give him a BJ, punctuated by making me look up, stare at him over his c0ck, and say huskily, "i'm 13, i'm only 13". he kept telling me how lovely i was and how lucky i was that he wasn't raping me right about now.

didn't feel too lucky 2 mins later when he shot horrible salty sticky stuff into my mouth and i was so surprised i reared back so it went in my eye... OW...

nor the next morning, when her parents went spare as we'd gotten in at 4am clearly totally hammered. they made us go to church as a punishment. there is nothing like being in a 9am mass, sobering rapidly up, and finding someone's rude hair in your teeth.

i didn't go near another man, or another trouser snake, for the next year! but then i got over it quickly enough, now i love deep throated BJs and purring filthy things whilst keeping eye contact. i will even swallow on a special occasion. still charge extra for it in the eye though...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 11:42, Reply)

I was going out with a girl...
...when I was 17 and we got both got invited to a party, and I just knew that it was going to be fucking on. How disappointed I was when I got a call from my friend I'd promised to accompany to the movies three weeks previously.
I did the honourable thing and went along with him, when I could've buried my meat into her soft supple quim.

As luck would have it, I lost it a couple of months later to a fat ginger minger - "luck" being a relative term of course.
(misteroz, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 10:55, Reply)

Nearly Headless Hina
I was behind a curtain at the waldorf hotel at a university ball, romancing the only person there less attractive than me, Hina.

I'd already knocked over the buffet and lost my cumerbund and was in no position to be choosy. As I kissed her delicately on the lips she started making bizarre pseudo-orgasm "ooh ooh" noises and then announced she had her period. Confused, I told her I was off to fetch a drink and a sausage roll, and not to move a muscle.

Sadly I forgot she was there. Perhaps her wails still haunt the function room to this day?
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 10:53, Reply)

Taking my own virginity...
As a kiddy I was always rather fascinated by sex (being a frequent stealer of my dads Bizzare magazines) and so one night in bed, aged about 8, I thought "right,im gonna put my hand 'down there' and see what its all about..."

*Hymen tears*

Hand reappears covered in blood... Oops I think.... Better go to sleep and pretend nothing happened...

In the morning Dad is slightly peturbed to see small daughter walking about with hands covered in blood...

Six years later boyfriend is also perturbed by lack of blood during my first time...
(Miharu, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 10:20, Reply)

Kind of failed twice on route...
Gorgeous girl I'd fancied for a couple of years. First attempts at chatting her up went so wrong, we ended up friends & flatmates. When we moved out of the flat, we lost touch. 1 year later, randomly manage to get back in touch - first time we see each other we end up in bed. So excited I can't contain myself, and don't last a moment. (As in about one touch of her hand). However, it appears a relationship is on the cards. Skip a couple of weeks later, round at her place. In bed again, she's astounded to learn I'm still a virgin. (Never quite sure if I liked or disliked the fact she had assumed I had had quite a lot of experience). However this time it was not to be. Everything going as it should, but suddenly I'm convinced the condom has slipped off. I'm not sure I'd prefer it if this was one of those 'fool gets idea in head and ruins moment' stories, but on investigation, I am right. Can only assume that, again in my excitement, all those practice runs were forgotten. Anyhoo, what is more of a turn off than losing said article in there. Not till the next day does she inform me she has located and retrieved the item.

Amazingly that was not the end. Third time everything was good. Lass, who became gf for a couple of years, tried to insisted I forget first two evenings. I'll settle for I'm not sure when I lost my virginity, (depending on definition, etc.) but I do know who I lost it to!

(Apologies for size - it doesn't appear to be large enough)
(Afrocelt, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 10:11, Reply)

Lost mine to a nurse :)
Was with the added bonus of being so nervous, as we were about to start I slightly....erm...spluffed. But she didn't notice, so I got stuck in regardless.
Got stud status with her immediately. The second time was shit though, as we got caught by the police in the middle of it (I kid you not) :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 9:33, Reply)

The blood, the blood.
Oh lord have mercy, the blood.
We knew there might be a slight smear, but when we'd finished my sheets were covered in blood and clots and semen. Bright red arterial blood, loads of it.
It was months before we dared try again.
(Rhye, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 9:23, Reply)

What is it with Catholics?
A mate of mine used to work in a pub and four girls (underage *ahem*) were in one night and invited him to a party after-hours. One of them had the house to herself while her parents were away for the weekend. Being a nice mate, he rang me and I headed over.

I *was* spotty. And had long hair. And still I managed to end up with my tongue down the throat of an attractive (drunk) girl. Of course, I had no condoms and although a virgin, I wasn't stupid. Unfortunately.

So we walked back to my house where I had a stash I never thought I'd use. And I didn't get her naked. Like a fool, I walked her back to her mates' again (why?!) and we managed to find an empty bedroom.

Within a few minutes we were naked, she was doing something rather rude to my willy and I was rummaging for the foil-wrapped chewing gum. Whoop! About time! I was about to get my end away! And she wasn't even that ugly!

Then *kick*. *THUD*

Her mates were at the door, hoofing it in. We'd even placed a wardrobe in the way and they were managing to shift it.

It turns out they were all good Catholic girls and they were trying to stop their friend going to Hell. Come on. I was a virgin - I was hardly going to last long enough for it to cost her more than a quick telling off from Beelzebub. Especially with this confession thing they have.

Regardless, how many of you have been naked while three drunk women tried to break *into* your room?
(Mosh Worldwide traveller and random mentalist, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 8:25, Reply)

Does it count if you don't get off?
I mean, if you don't get off, and you're a man?

True story. When I lost mine, I couldn't actually reach orgasm, between party fatigue, nervousness, and the condom (not to mention years of, ahem, "training", since all I'd ever heard was guys who can't last). At least I'm fairly sure she had a good time.
(+3 Baroque Vambrace of Icthyology, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 7:35, Reply)

Near miss
When I arrived at University, still a virgin, I quickly acquired a lot of friends, both male and female and all of them horny as fuck. One in particular kept chasing after me, a girl with blonde hair that I never actually found out the name of. She would come into my flat, sit with my flatmates and wait for me to go for a shower, waiting at the door of the living room for me to emerge in the hopes of seeing something (she never did). Now don't get me wrong, she was a nice enough person, she was just a bit...old. She must have had about 5 degrees because she never left University, she kept on coming back again and again for whatever reason.

Anyhoo, one day a strictly platonic female friend was staying in my room because it was late and she lived half way across the city. I, being a gentleman, decided to kip on the floor.

At about 2 in the morning, there's a Knock on my flat door. I open it and there stood Random Blonde Woman. She grabbed my arm and starts tugging on it "Steeeeeve, come out and talk to us!". I was tired and half asleep, so rather than say anything, I just stood back from the door (in little more than my boxers) and pointed to the woman in my bed. Random Blond woman immediately looked down at my crotch and shouted "OH! Right!...uhh.....fair play! uh...carry on!" then proceeded to back away from my door, still staring directly at my crotch.

Later on that night, my friend and I could hear the unmistakable sounds of two people going at it. As it turns out Random Blond woman, after being "rejected" by me, immediately walked outside of the building and grabbed the first person that she could find, took him back and slept with him.

The next morning, we were both awoken by her shouting around her flat about how the condom split. Thing is, she was actually proud of it. So much so that she ran off to her room, pulled it out of the bin and showed it to everyone.
Then, as the poor chap left, she grabbed him and said, I shit you not, "Oh shit, you better give me your phone number and tell me your name, in case I get pregnant *lauggh*".

That could have been me. Suddenly, after hearing that, the rush to lose my virginity didn't seem as important.
I got laid the next week anyway.
(Kushan just wants to fit in..to your mum, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 7:14, Reply)

I'm still a virgin

It doesn't count if you have sex with a vegan, right?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 4:28, Reply)

I bought a strap-on

and I use it to fuck my artificial vagina. Does that count?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 2:53, Reply)

Not quite a spotty virgin
I recently heard this conversation between my friend and her new boyfriend in a pub.

Her: Shall we get this bus? We don't want to get back too late if we're going to (significant look) try again tonight.
Him: Er, I deflowered you last night darling. That's what all the blood was about.
Her: ..............Oh.

And I was only a week behind her! *Is proud*
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 2:09, Reply)

I was young and naive
And about 15. A girl who I'd met before, a right fit lass, who was a good mate of a mate - safe as fuck. At a houseparty in a fucking huge house, and with lots of booze.

Ignoring her earlier attempts 'Do you want to explore upstairs' etc.. it eventually came down to her saying "I've got condoms in my handbag, do you want to go upstairs?"

And me thinking she was being funny and laughing. Fucks sake. Took me another year to be the confident person I am now and get about haha
(comrade^, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 0:41, Reply)

oh dear god
when i was about 14 there was this girl i really fancied who lived around the corner but who i was too scared to talk to.

Instead of striking up a conversation I sent her a letter, written on pink womble notepaper (for fuck sake) asking her to meet me in the graveyard (oh you creepy fwacker)

something must have been right though, as she turned up. however, she brought her friend, who was a couple of years older and (to me) quite frightening

i told a lie and said 'my mate Mike' had arranged to meet me and must have stitched me up. no. i don't want to go out with you. ergh. you. are. a. girl.

she looked really sad and we never spoke again
(globalloon, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 0:05, Reply)