Question Time
Someone has parked their shitty BMW 1 series outside the roller door to my office. Now, I don't need to get in to the garage at the moment, indeed, I very rarely do, but it does irk me that someone is so fucking stupid that they think it's okay to park in front of a garage door on an industrial estate.

So, people of Off Topic, what can I do?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:02, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's official
I've just finished filing in the forms on-line to become a dole thieving chav scum, apparently my shell-suit and body-kitted Corsa should be arriving in 10-14 days!
(bill, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 11:56, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Too good for links
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/scotland/5730557/Scots-using-chip-fat-instead-of-sun-cream.html
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 3 Jul 2009, 11:03, Reply)

I GOT A JOB, FUCKERS
The downfall of Off topic starts July 13th :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 10:36, 79 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Seriousness on the internet
now, I don't take things too seriously, not in real life, nor on the internet, but fuck me, I've been reading FML fairly regularly, and the unbelievable stupidity of some of the people who reply has actually led to me signing up an account purely so I can mock, ridicule and insult them.

I don't know why that particular site winds me up so much, I'm normally perfectly understanding of the depths of stupidity which the average person can plumb.

What puts cracks in your normally cool, calm exterior?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 10:31, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Today is my 2nd B3ta birthday
Unfortunately I'm a pikey bastard so I don't get a candle. For shame really.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 3 Jul 2009, 10:07, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR WOOKIEE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

Please use this thread to post things to Wookiee on the occasion of his birthday.
If those things are abusive or unkind, he will appreciate them more.
( thealternativefact, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 10:03, 49 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fuck
Just sprayed grapefruit juice in my eyes.

So this mornings question - If you could bite one person, who and where?

Edited because I can't spell.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 8:31, 72 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You don't have to read all of this:
www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=44

Was looking on /links today, found this site. The windups are ok, but this one made me giggle.

For great justice.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 21:47, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm so great.

( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 21:25, 56 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Certain people who believe themselves to be better than or above other need to be fucking shot.
I've seen something tonight that has in turn amused and angered me greatly due to someone's great lack of self respect, humility and brain cells in general. This person is a fuckwit of the highest order and needs shooting for the sake of humanity before they go on to cause further mayhem in their everyday mundane life. no I'm not talking about myself in case you were wondering

What has angered and entertained you at the same time recently?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 21:24, 146 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If you could live anywhere
in replies
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 21:02, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fucking DNS.
Explain to me how I should cunt it in the fuck, my friends.


( Maladicta, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:27, 218 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello.
I've not been around here much of late. I've been busy, you see, planning my wedding. My first (and, dare I say it, current wife) doesn't know about this, and perhaps its just as well, given the scenario.

Funding is a bit of a problem, however, as we're getting married on the moon, so I'm looking for sponsorship that will enable me to hire the horse-drawn canoe to take us there. The Man in the Moon is performing the ceremony, and my old ace fighter pilot buddies are organising a fly past in some reconditioned X-Wing Fighters they found in a skip in Kuwait.

As a top anthropologist/doctor/fighter pilot, I shall of course reimburse every single penny once my latest patent for the rose-tinted spectacles I am developing is approved. If that doesn't work, then there's always the highly technical delusion-o-tron to fall back on.

I reckon a tenner a pop should do it, based on the number of users on here. That should pay the goods and leave enough left over for me to sue the tabloids for defamation of character.

Just make the cheques out to SMG industries and leave them next to the post box on West Road, Newcastle upon Tyne. I'll be nipping into the bookies tomorrow after I've been to the off licence, so I'll collect them then.

Ta.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 19:19, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh happy day
www.telegraph.co.uk/foodanddrink/foodanddrinknews/5722159/Cadbury-brings-back-Wispa-Gold.html
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 18:16, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

what do you think would be the best thing
to fire out of a blunderbuss?

minus points for things like lead shot

edit: nearly forgot, my personal choice would be rock salt
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 16:56, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Who the jiggery fuck...?
Do I have to sleep with round here in order to get a QOTW suggestion adopted?

*speeds off in FLOUNCEMOBILE^TM*

_{it's a pink Nissan Micra convertible in case you were wondering.}


(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 2 Jul 2009, 16:11, 78 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

By JINGO
So, there I was, home early, enjoying a nice cup of tea and I thought "Hmmm, yes, perhaps a little read of B3TA would be just the ticket right now". And after a brief look at board, I tootled over to QOTW and noticed that the bus one wasn't on the list any more and that it had been closed.

Furthermore, no new one was there - so for the first time in goodness knows how many years, I realised that a new one was about to open. F5. Bingo. Tramps. Clicked, ALREADY FIVE POSTS. Most of them saying "first, second, third, forth, story to follow, blah blah". How do you guys do it? Do you have scripts that post any old bollocks just so you get in there first?

Now I'm sure INTERNETLAWYERMAN would have something to say about this, as would Wormulus, but I couldn't give a flying fig about the latter - although the lawyerman's (or Police Dog's, or, dare I say it, JMG's) opinion would definitely help with this tea, particularly as I have no biscuits.

So my question is, at what inconvenient time have you ran out of biscuits and why the fuck does no-one seem to sell those Lincoln ones any more? They were round, and nobbly, and in green packets and they were ABSOLUTELY unbeatable in coffee OR tea. Multi-purpose biscuits for the masses, I tell you.
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 16:00, 37 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

YES!
New QOTW is MINE.
I'm so good it hurts.
( Cawl, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:57, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh joy!
A client just told me that I have a wonderful attitude, and I don't think he was being sarcastic.

Anyone else had unexpected compliments today?
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:39, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Becky's little thread of imaginative swearwords
Tell me oh cockmunchers, what are your favourite creative swearwords to insult someone? While I LOVED scarf wearing cockhound, it was a little swearinglite, so it can't really be included

Jizz dribbling felchmonkey
Cuntastic clungefelcher
Prolapsed cuntface
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:30, 44 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh, you pretentious little shitbag.
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8117619.stm

"Quipped"? "Genre-Specific"? If I ever found one of my children talking like that I'd bully them myself.

So... How were you pretentious/precocious when you were a child?

EDIT: Blimey! /OT has turned in to /links!
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:14, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I was wondering where he'd got to of late.
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgow_and_west/8130528.stm
( Cawl, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:12, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Okay, so I've filled out my tax forms, paid for my car tax, written the letters I'd promised to do for my mother, planted all the seeds
In fact I've done *everything* I should have done weeks ago.

Now I have no choice...I have to actually write something.

I. Have. To. Work.

The real stuff...the creative stuff that keeps me in a paying job...the creative stuff that I adore....the creative stuff that I avoid whenever possible.

Shit.


So what have you been putting off and now have to do?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:10, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Kaol - Hunny Monster?
In reply.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 2 Jul 2009, 13:46, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

FLUFF
To stem the tide of eyerolling that will no doubt stem from Porkylips post below
www.zooborns.com/zooborns/2009/06/otter-twins-in-auckland-unbearably-cute.html
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 12:34, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

TGB's Cavernous Mimsy.
In reply.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 2 Jul 2009, 12:30, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's Pirate Al
b3ta.com/board/9558276
( Captain V, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 12:28, Reply)

Gazpachio in a pint glass.
Sometimes I look at my life, and I let out a little sigh, wondering how it can get any better.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 12:01, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's all me, me, me
In many ways posting is the act of saying I, of imposing oneself upon other people - you lot - it's me saying listen to me, see it my way, change your mind because I'm right.

What are you always right about?
(Stiff Richard, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 11:41, 47 replies, latest was 16 years ago)