Woo!
I am particularly chipper today as me and DiT got the flat we wanted and are allowed to have a dog and also paint the place - which is pretty unheard of when it comes to renting! Currently I am all about dogs and paint colours!

What are you obsessed with at the moment?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 19 Oct 2009, 11:11, 53 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Non car thread.
I watched 'Zac and Miri make a porno' last night and giggled like a loon.


If you were in a porn film, what would be your speciality?
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 10:08, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yesterday
I laid two near identical poo twins. They were both about five inches long and sat happily side by side, and then when I flushed the first time, one of them came back for a second look before I flushed it away for good.

I won the pub quiz again yesterday, though I missed out on the bonus question because I didn't know the name of the driver of the "Turbo Terrific" in Wacky Races. Still, £25 in beer tokens is better than nothing. But the £200 would have been nice.

EDIT - There was something I was going to ask. Now there are two things. First, I received a CV this morning, and it's written quite well and has a nice cover letter, but it's written in the third person, as in "She is capable etc.." is this usual? It seems odd to me.

Secondly, the people next door signed for a package for my unit which is for a different company. How much effort should I put into contacting this other company and letting them know I've got their package. It seems to be some sort of electronic gizmo.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 9:11, 64 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Congratulations to Mr Button
Anyone here watch the race? I forgot it was on and only caught the last third of it. Looked like he did a pretty good job of doing some overtaking, along with a big side-helping of luck to get there.

I have thought of one way to make it more interesting. All cars should randly belch flames backwards occasionally. With all the fireproofing they wear, I can't see it going wrong!
(stimpy, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 8:41, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is b3ta looking odd to you?
It's all over the place here.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 19 Oct 2009, 5:57, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Whats going on next week?
I'm moving house, and conducting a new experiment at work.

U?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 19:53, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Quick question...
Has anyone travelled on the M1 recently, between junctions 13 and 18?

I was travelling along there saturday evening doing about 80. There were no speed limit signs or camera signs yet before I knew it some white lines flew under me, right before a bridge! Now, on this bridge were two cameras for each lane; both of which look like the traffic monitoring systems.

Does anyone know what those white lines could have been and whether I am correct in my assumptions about the cameras?

Bloody things! No warning at all.
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 17:49, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello. Here's a load of old shit for you. For those who don't know me, I'm old.
I get the piss ripped over on /talk but I don't really mind. Being old has its advantages. I work in the music business and have done for over 35 years. I was there in the 60's and 70's and saw the birth of rock music, and spent my youth enjoying copious quantities of free love and no fear of AIDS.

I grew up in the film industry, my grandfather and uncle worked for Pathe News and I used to go to shoots with them in the hols. I've met The Beatles, been inside Lennon's house, I was at the launch of the first Moog synthesizer, played in some good bands and still do. I also met loads of film stars, rock stars and even had breakfast with Jimi Hendrix at the Isle of Whight festival. I have a helicopter pilots licence and have started flying again after a brief period and I'm engaged to a model.

I now work from home running a recording studio and am on the committee of a growing rock festival which is held in the same village where I live. I work with a friend who does HD video recording to broadcast standard and we run a mobile tv/audio studio and we have some nice jobs come in for next year at a few top festivals.

I get as much good sex as I want and I drive a fast car. Work is steady despite the recession and I'm landscaping my huge garden with ponds, waterfalls and rare trees and there is enough room to put up a big marquee in November for a fucking b3ta bash.

I also started doing the odd spot of stand up comedy a few years back and have begun doing a few clubs and venues around this region. My set has been described as extremely rude, downright disgusting, in incredible bad taste but funny. That's just fine by me. I mean, I can't knock it, it is pretty strong.

I'm in good health and go running every day. I don't drink alcohol or smoke fags and have finished several marathons and loads of half marathons in the past. I'm training for a channel swim in June/July next year and am aiming to smash the record for someone over 50.

I occasionally work at a lap dance bar which is owned by a friend's brother as a floor security guard. I also have to escort the girls in and out of the changing rooms and if it's busy I help behind the bar with two topless girls.

My house is situated, unusually on a hill in the Cambridgeshire Fens right next to woods and a nature reserve and the farmer's field opposite has huge markets and boot sales in the Summer but only every few weeks. I have my own private road and have just extended the car park to hold another 6 cars.

By now you lot must be pissing yourselves as it looks like some of the unhealthily huge vats of bullshit that appear here.
Old? Fuck off.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Sun 18 Oct 2009, 16:13, 40 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

Fuck doing things, this is one of the few days I have to do absolutely nothing
what are you not doing today and why?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 13:42, Reply)

Home Sweet Home!


I'm off out, got a kitchen to fit...
I'm leaving the door on the latch and there are choccy bickies in the cupboard...
Don't wreck the place while i'm gone!
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 18 Oct 2009, 7:45, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Well, the story begins like this
My car developed a fault with it's alarm ...... It went off when it was cold and damp. It sounded a grand sum of four times over a week and a half - I took action as soon as I had the chance but one of my neighbours got the arsehole and complained to the council who sent me a rather shitty letter threatening me with action normally associated with 18 year old chavs with a a sound system in their first flat.

My response is as below:

"Mr XXXXXXXX,

Please accept this email as acknowledgement of your letter dated 15th October.

With reference to vehicle registration no. XXXXXX, I was aware that the vehicle's alarm system developed a fault and rectified this at the earliest opportunity, the alarm has been disconnected and should cause no further distress to the residents of XXXXXXXX road. While I accept that a car alarm can be a minimal irritation and a nuisance, I find it odd that nobody took the time to speak to me in person to voice their concerns and instead called yourselves to threaten an abatement notice, and all that it may entail, for what is basically an relatively isolated incident.

Seeing as the complainants are content to hide behind the skirts of local government, I am not afforded the opportunity to apologise to them for any inconvenience that the malfunctioning alarm may have caused; please pass on my assurances that the issue has been dealt with and I regret any problems it may have caused.

Now that I am aware that the offices of the Environmental Protection Services are prepared to employ such punitive tactics for such minor matters I shall look forward to complaining about all manner of noises. I had previously chalked these up to the price one pays for living cheek by jowl with ones neighbours but as they're covered by the 1990 Environmental Protection Act I can see that my tolerance was in fact misplaced and I can sleep safe in the knowledge that the I have the ability to register my distress at the slightest of my neighbour's actions.

I would be obliged if you would amend your records with the correct spelling of my name - Ask yourself if Han shot first, then you'll have your answer as to whether this brief missive contains sarcasm or not.

Sincerely"


Too much?
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 0:39, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This one's for the lurkers.
I know you're out there. I'm not exactly a regular poster on /offtopic myself but I say something occasionally, when I've got something to say.
Come on lil lurkers, stick your neck out, say hello, give us an interesting fact or an amusing story, and let the /offtopic regulars rip you to shreds welcome you to the fold.
I know your first post can be pretty scary, so all of you do it together!
Besides, the regulars are doing fuck all today.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Sat 17 Oct 2009, 20:08, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

even though
it's the current QOTW, I would like to bitch to off topic. What the fuck is happening lately? It's like there's opening hours. Can the aussie, kiwi and ex-pat community in asia please contribute more. I'm dying over here..
(knackerz is skinning up, Sat 17 Oct 2009, 14:17, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I want to
cum in your mouth
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Sat 17 Oct 2009, 1:33, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Alright you lot...
After reading this : www.abd.org.uk/police_letter.htm I'm curious as to the amount of people that have been done for speeding on here and the general opinion thereof.

Personally, I feel as long as you don't act the twat then going above the speed limit is acceptable. Leave enough distance, change lanes with plenty of notice, it's not rocket science. Studies have also shown that people who drive in the 85th percentile (about 80-85mph) are less likely to have accidents.

(Source is in the article).

The one thing I am afraid of is being pulled on the motorway by an unmarked vehicle, have any of you been pulled? Were you let off?

Discuss! (Also, have any of you been pulled on the motorway? Were you let off?
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 23:33, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Best song lyric ever?
I've just been reminded of this classic from the Macc Lads:

"She said I was good looking and I looked a bit like George Michael,
But she didn't want fucking, she were on her menstrual cycle!"

And also

"There's crack over there, their sittin' on benches,
Two of 'em are dead fit and one of them's got dentures".

Genius.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Oct 2009, 20:11, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So today, I feel I have achieved something;
I have successfully roasted a chicken. That's right. A whole chicken.

Now I know that shouldn't be too impressive, but I feel it is.

Now tell me how awesome I am. Or tell me what your favourite cider is.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 18:42, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Given that B3tards are diverse and interesting bunch
who no doubt have a wide range of obscure and tech related jobs. I pose this question: How do you describe what you do for a living to your family?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 16:54, 37 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

ahem
I'll have CDs of my band next week. Place your orders now.

don't care what you do with it once you have it, as long as you buy it

edit: in case it's not clear, I'm not seriously trying to flog you my CD. If you choose to listen to us and then fancy one then let me know. I'm not going to insist.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 16:48, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

*smugs*
Just got back from clearing up gross plant-life out of a river for the national trust. I have clunked my knee and hurt my wrist but I feel rather smug about my good work today, plus I got to go home early!!

Are you feeling smug about anything in particular today, or if you're not feeling smug what's your favourite all out balls-to-the-wall action film!!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 16 Oct 2009, 16:33, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've sniggered along with a bunch of posts on qotw this week
and shaken my head at some others. This one is ridiculous though

www.b3ta.com/questions/coldfish/post542384
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 15:41, 75 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tech help
I press f2 to enter my computer's BIOS. I installed Ubuntu on a drive to see what it was like. Not interested in it, so I want to install XP again but at the bootup, I can't enter the BIOS anymore. It doesn't even give me the option to press F2 and just goes straight to GRUB.

Any ideas?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:38, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I come bearing GIF's

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:20, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

slow news day today then
where are all the argumentative people?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:12, 38 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bit early for Halloween themed name changes
but since everybody else is doing it I shall follow along sheeplike.

Anybody got big plans for Halloween? I'll probably be getting drunk somewhere with mates in a completely unspooky way.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 11:15, 48 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Quick, someone start a new thread.
My weekend involves dodging carnies and fast food because the fair's in town. I'll be shopping in the city tomorrow and walking miles on Sunday.
What the hell are you doing with your weekend?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 10:14, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

An email has just been sent round the department....
_{Wow. Exciting times, eh?}

...about a certain software company getting a bit uppity after they managed to find out about certain instances of their software being on some people's computers and not being licensed properly; that is to say, they are effectively "illegal" copies. Obviously, this presents very serious consequences for the department and the people who have this copy on their computers, and so the email is stipulating that action will rapidly be taken to correct the problem, perhaps even quarantining certain machines and so forth...

...and, in spite of the urgency of this issue, the bloke who sent it felt the need to write it in Comic Sans. Seriously.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 9:43, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)