Putdowns!
Watching reruns of Never mind the Buzzcocks the other night, Bill Bailey came out with a delightful putdown to that no-talent, sid vicious-wannabe faux-punk Donny Tourette:

"You're about as punk as Enya"

Which had me in creases. What are your favourite putdowns?
(b3tamax Mate, you're fat and I'll throw you in the river, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:17, 40 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

at the risk of turning OT into "news of the day"...
... and further angering Bert

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7894721.stm?lss

"Both Mr Hassan and his wife worked at Bridges TV, a station aimed at countering stereotypes of Muslims."

Right.

Well done with that...
(b3tamax Mate, you're fat and I'll throw you in the river, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 13:44, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

is it me, or...
has the Loon disappeared recently? where is he? is he OK?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 13:36, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

For Fuck's Sake
www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=136768635384&ref=nf#/group.php?gid=136768635384

All well and good but read some of the shite on this group.

'I heard the news and I've not been able to stop crying'

'Become the angel you already are'

I mean who the fuck do they think Jade Goody is? Mother Fucking Teresa?

And don't get me started on the gratuitous use of text speak/excessive use of capitals and spelling...

I mean seriously...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 13:34, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

New Years misery - sorry - resolutions.
Losing weight and stopping smoking. In other words life is shite.

The question is; are there any low calorie foods that don't taste vile? I have a Weight Watcher chicken hotpot that looks about the size of something I could sneeze into a hanky but less appetising.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 13:14, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Desensitised?
This weekend, I watched Rosemary's Baby - I'd never seen it before.

Am I alone in thinking that, aside from the gratuitous tit action, there's no reason at all for it to be anything other than a PG?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 10:30, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Darwin Award Reckless Driving Nominations
Am I the only who finds these deeply disturbing?
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 10:06, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Last night, I had a dream
in which Captain Placid was the leader of a troup of pantomime actors, all of whom were using the panto as a front for smuggling lots of sharp and illegal weapons across the fens. Captain P was playing the pantomime dame...

When have you had weird dreams in which b3tans pop up in the most random of places/roles?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 9:58, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

God I'm feeling bolshie today.
I have a new computer keyboard and on the connection lead there was a tag which said DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG........ so I removed it.

I laugh at your rules Microsoft. HA!

Edit - Oh yes! What rules have you broken today?
( girlinthehole, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 9:13, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tuesday morning Home Sweet Home Thread


Morning all. I drank a bottle of wine last night and then didn't open the second bottle. I'm practically teetotal. How about you?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 7:10, 237 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Total success today...
last week i quoted for a job on the assumption of 1.5 days labour and £130 for materials. started at 9:30 today and finished (having had lunch) at 1.36pm. fixed price contract means that today i made (after deductions for wages, materials, tax and wear&tear) £498 for 4hours and 6minutes work, and still got 6 hours in on the refurb of my own place.

furthermore, the client now wants me to replace a corroded heating return pipe (£1,600) because they didn't listen to me last year when i was replacing the flow pipe. could have done both at once for only £200 more cos now we need to break out a concrete floor for a second time and so forth.

i am loving their short-sightedness and felt the need to share teh joy and financial weight lifting from my shoulders!!!
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 16 Feb 2009, 22:09, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Absolute Radio
Just listening to Geoff Lloyd's entertaining show. However, I find his sidekick, Annabel Port is being a bit too zealous in her role as 'laugh-whore' and she's beginning to get on my wick.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 19:22, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Monday Night Thread
Been up to owt interesting this Valentine's weekend?


( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 18:59, 76 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So
another dilemma which I'm hoping auntie b3ta can help with.

see replies.
( ascorbate, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 18:46, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

subs
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7892294.stm

I suppose it makes the story more sensational if the BBC (and the rest of the media) conveniently omit from their story that nuclear weapons can't be detonated by the submarine equivalent of a fender-bender. I don't even think the weapons would detonate if you threw them down a cliff. In a wardrobe full of bowling balls.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 18:23, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

On the way back from a great surf yesterday
we were smoking a joint in the car on the way home (not the driver) I tapped the ash out of the window, only to have a bit of burning ember fly from the end of the spliff onto my forehead, just in the hair line.

Burning my scalp and a little bit of hair.

This was both stupid, annoying and hilarious.

What has happened to you recently that was any number of these things?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 17:04, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Breaking up
Dear Deirde,
Whats the best way to go about this - Should we meet in a neutral place or go and meet her after work or something? When we meet - should i just come out with it there and then in the street - i know thats not ideal but in a pub it might mean a really awkward 3/4 pint where it's just small talk/repitition which nobody wants.I don't think she's expecting it and i don't want to come across as a prick.
I haven't a lot of experience points in this particualr area and im dreading it.
thanks
(BarryChuckle, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 15:30, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Youth silenced
It's in the reply.
( djtrialprice, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 14:18, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Further to DG's post about that 13 year old father
it now says that he's taking a DNA test due to the promiscuous habits of the mother, Slagathor.

The original child-father said "Other stupid boys are lying, saying bad things, like they've slept with her too. But I'm the only boyfriend she has had. We've been together for two years so I must be the dad." Ahhh the naivety of youth.

Also, she's got a face like a tumour, how come she gets all the action?!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 13:35, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ok
this does come with a caveat. It is very sad that a young woman should die so young and leave her children. Its infinitely miserable really, even if it is Jade Goody. I dont think anyone would wish it on anyone.

That said, she is, and fairly enough, going to go out of her way to earn some cash out of it in order to leave to her children. If you can, then why not. Its not like her husband to be has a discernable talent/ability to get a job of any consequence with his jailtime, and the papers will move on soon enough.

So my question to the panel is, will she sell the rights to the filming of her death and the funeral? lets face it - you'd watch both wouldnt you?


( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 13:26, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

*dirty, dirty, dirty w/e*
life is all good again.
( cackers, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 12:29, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Spotfy
Oh.My.God.

That is all.


*chucks out all recorded music*

www.spotify.com
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 11:48, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

shit
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/7892073.stm
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 10:10, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Platonic Valentines Gift Part 2
She emailed on Saturday morning thanking me for her mass Haribo selection and "for being such a good friend".

Job done. Thank you for all the input.
(ragged, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 9:36, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Question of the Day
Here follows a list, written by you, of things people find inexplicably fantastic, but you know are complete cack.

I know that technically isn't a question, ok?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 8:28, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Get UP you lazy cunts
well -quails-
Maybe that was a bit harsh.
I'm sorry. I love you all I really really really do! I swear!
I'm just bored and lonely and Australian and all the fun people are in the bloody UK! get UP - I wants to have entertaining conversations!
I don't have to work tonight! YAYS!


Whats on for your day over there you lot?
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 16 Feb 2009, 6:35, 238 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Crap joke corner
Did you hear about the Eskimo Lottery?

You have to be Inuit to win it.


/coat
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 15 Feb 2009, 19:13, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bit of health and safety help please
Can someone tell me why it is important to write in the accident book at work please? I know it's to safeguard the employee and the employer...but not sure against what.

Thanks
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 18:58, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My house has been taken over by middle-class hippies
My bro got back last night a 8 after an all-nighter in Nottingham. He could hardly speak and looked like he'd gone down with the plague.

"I'm having a couple of friends round"
"fucking hell.. you're not having a large one surely? You look like you need sleep. Havin loads of people round wouldn't be fair. I live here too. I don't want the house wrecked.. again."

About 9 people come round, all totally wasted. There are three-metre lines of coke, ketamine and crushed pills on the kitchen table. The whole house thuds to the sound of really crap techno. Everyone's everyone's best mate ever. Wardrobes get raided and it becomes totally fucking hilarious to wear ski goggles and my mum's aprons.

The house is trashed. I wake up at midday, shower and spend 90 minutes tidying just the kitchen. There are still 10 wannabe hippies hanging round, some of them different to the ones I saw last night. Most of them I don't know from Adam and wouldn't trust as far as I could throw them. No-one's had any sleep. Two of them are tripping on LSD - something I don't like being anywhere near me. It's not nice feeling like you're playing russian roulette drinking your morning orange juice.

I go up to the room they are hanging out in - the warmest room in the house where I like to hang out - with my guitar amp, broadband connection, stereo etc. There's crap everywhere and the floor's sticky. I tell them to wrap things up and go home as soon as possible and mention that if they push me too far they'll get kicked out. I just get a monged out grunt from my brother. One of them has the cheek to seek me out afterwards and try to have a heart-to-heart about how I should be tolerant. He wants me to join them and mentions a massive stash of drugs and vodka. Err.. no thanks. I want a bacon sandwich and to listen to Villa-Everton in peace. I've just had to clean the toilet as someone evidently made a mess over the night and couldn't be arsed to do anything about it. I don't want to see any of them again.

Rubbish drum and bass thuds through the house. This has happened to many times. I'm at my wits end. I know if I say anything they'll just taunt me as usuall - these fuckers act like they have squatters rights here. So I'm fuming in silence.

I'm not enough of a cunt to call the police and don't want to get my parents involved (they are away). I don't really have the balls to kick anyone out, although if they carry on taking the piss I'll be sorely tempted.

WTF do I do? Suggestions? I've pocketed a good 1/8th of weed which goes some way towards retribution, but I'd quite like a break from weed and having these sort of people around over the years has been a massive obstacle to any kind of abstention.

Fucking fuckers.. fuck fuck fuck.. I'm tempted to go the pub and come back with a baseball bat and stomp some fucking hippies. I'll pile them up in the street and pour the rancid sludge I found in the sink this morning over them.

Otherwise: what's winding you up at the moment?
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 17:07, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)