happy friday
i got a couple of texts from a friend last night which i thought i had to share with you lot. she has been dipping her toe in the murky weirdo-infested world of internet dating, and is now up to date 13. previous stars have included marriedboy, 2-4-1-voucherboy and never-moved-out-of-home-despite-being-38"boy". so hopes were not particularly high for the thirteenth clown. anyway, the first text i got said:

"well, he's ok. genuine and nice. not ESPECIALLY sexy, but if i were going to fuck any of the 13, let's face it, it would be him."

1 min later:

"aaaaaaand i just sent that to him, so i am guessing i won't be seeing him again once he picks up that little beauty".

this has made me laugh a LOT. much much more than my christmas "text all 300 people in your phone from abroad" fuck-up. so make me laugh some more: have you texted the wrong thing to the wrong person, or have you sent drunken nightmarish "pleeeeease love me" texts??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:08, 214 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I post all my drunken nightmarish stuff online
It's how I roll
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:11, Reply)

linky please

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:12, Reply)

I'm sure chompy will link it
He revelled in my pain
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I can't be bothered
I've got the shits.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:07, Reply)

Yes.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:12, Reply)

he's resorted to internet dating
what makes you think a message like that will turn him away?

I don't recall ever having sent the wrong thing to the wrong person unfortunately.

sorry
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:13, Reply)

very very good point
he's a bloke. he probably read it as "will sleep with me, wahey."
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:15, Reply)

of course he will.
how are you today my dear?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:16, Reply)

bit of pain, all self-inflicted
and i look like i have the beginnings of a magenta cock on my forehead. thank god for fringes, eh? totally my own fault, i have been to the gym every single day (bar new years day when the selfish fuckers were closed) since mid-December, but for some reason decided i could cope with going last night AND first thing this morning, AND i was stupid enough not to eat dinner or breakfast.

pounding away on cross-trainer, either my right knee or my right quad said "you must be joking mate" and gave way, and i pitched headfirst into the handlebars. now i have a lovely circular purple bruise... sexy, no??

how about you?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:21, Reply)

You really do worry me sometimes

(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:22, Reply)

This.
Oh, very much this.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:22, Reply)

oh no, don't be worried, it was just because i forgot to take a cereal bar
which is essential for not feeling dizzy with pre-work exercising!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

I'd imagine so.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:25, Reply)

*stifles laughter*
I'm pretty good thanks. Successfully fighting off the illness that everyone I know seems to have.

Fucking glad it's Friday. Hope the mrs gets better today though
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:22, Reply)

i am sympathetic to her
can't believe you laughed at me
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:23, Reply)

I have been sympathetic and loving and helpful.
you must admit it is fairly amusing.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:26, Reply)

it's painful is what it is!
still, could have been my eye.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:27, Reply)

a little bit of pain never hurt anyone

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:28, Reply)

No, but exercising like a fiend and not eating properly has...

(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Dead people never put on weight though!

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:33, Reply)

They do if you dump them in water

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:57, Reply)

You should start wearing a cycle helmet to the gym.
That'll show them just how serious you are.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:23, Reply)

not just to the gym

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:26, Reply)

Are you suggesting Swipe walks about like one of the Mekons from Dan Dare all the time?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:27, Reply)

I'm going to go with "yes"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Haha
I have to admit, last time I went the gym I hadn't eaten all day, I'd barely been there 25 minutes and was feeling light headed, and really really sick.

Not a very good idea, I feel.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Oh god.
I used to go out with a girl called Carrie, my sister is called Cara.

I've since discovered that more than one dirty message went awry, and the thought of my sister receiving some of the messages I sent just makes my toes curl.

And yes, they were meant for my girlfriend, not my sister.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Fuck off Bert.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Bert is already back, didn't you see?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:20, Reply)

Ha I did the same but the results worked out rather well
I spaffed on her tits
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

A friend in my phone called "Jim"
Was one down from a female with a very similar name.

I am no longer friends with Jim.
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Haha, ouch!
I have done similar, met up with an ex and then sent my friend a very smug text about him being a dickhead and me being an ice queen... to the ex. Argh. It wouldn't be so bad if this had actually been the case, but I hadn't been an ice queen at all, more sort of wistfully 'I miss you'.
FAIL.
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:17, Reply)

fnar!

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:18, Reply)

*there there*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Meh, I was well shot of that one
he was a terrible cunt, I just couldn't see it at the time. I've been more careful since though, and my latest phone I can't work drunk anyway.
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:21, Reply)

I think mobile phones should require you to take a breath test before you can send anything.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:22, Reply)

my flatmate told me last night that after eight months of relationship
her last boyfriend said "i do love you, i'm just not sure i want to be with you. i mean, i might like to date a blonde for a while, you know?" then totally misinterpreted her expression and said, "don't go dyeing your hair or anything, that's not what i meant."

MEN!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:22, Reply)

I feel I should point out here, you and your friends appear to be surrounded by complete and utter cocks.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:23, Reply)

Like she said, MEN!

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Not all of us
Ok, 90% or so
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:25, Reply)

NO
Every last man is a cunt
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:33, Reply)

I'm not a cunt.
IN YOUR FACE
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:34, Reply)

But are you a cunt anywhere else?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:38, Reply)

Maybe in your face a little bit.
lol jk nowhere at all.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:39, Reply)

Thing is, I'd like to think I'm quite a nice guy
But I'm aware cuntishness in my past will cloud others judgement of me, and that's understandable.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:40, Reply)

cuntish emo
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:42, Reply)

I'd rather be a cunt than an emo
By the way, can I start calling you San Diego?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:50, Reply)

because of her massive fault?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Have you seen Anchorman?
www.spike.com/video/anchorman-definition/2740113
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:04, Reply)

I love that film

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Do you like the new nickname then?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:16, Reply)

When I started new Sim Cities I'd alsways called then Sam Diago
See what I did there. I know, I'm amazing
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:23, Reply)

Yeah, that's what they want you to think...

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:38, Reply)

No, you're not Noel. You're lovely

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:44, Reply)

ಠ_ಠ
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:45, Reply)

she's right
he's one of the nicest people you could hope to meet
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:52, Reply)

And I'm not?

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:58, Reply)

never having met you I couldn't say
but given how nice a guy Noel is, I can fairly confidentally say you aren't in the same league. I know I'm not.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Why do you even ask questions like that?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

For validation, online
Probably
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Exactly.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:02, Reply)

*gurns*

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:06, Reply)

It seems I'm not either
Then again, I can agree that Noel is awesome. Lovely would be a bit bumderish for me to say.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:02, Reply)

"Have you ever looked into his eyes?
It's like the first time I heard The Beatles"
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:20, Reply)

not all men
I'm going to drum this into your head at some point. Not all men are complete retarded shitcunts.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

That's right, some men don't get the opportunity to be complete retarded shitcunts.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:28, Reply)

We're all cunts

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Jesus christ
if someone said that to me they'd be looking for their teeth. What the hell is it with you, your friends, and terrible men?
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:27, Reply)

i do have lots of friends with nice boyfriends
but their stories are reeeeeeally dull!

"i came home from work and so did he and then we cooked dinner and watched some tv and went to bed."
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:29, Reply)

That sounds 'normal' though.
What are you expecting from a man?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:32, Reply)

You need some friends who are swingers
Their stories are NEVER dull
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Well, I suppose...
still though, I am astonished at the level of fuckwittery you and your friends seem to attract.
*ponders own lovelife with particular reference to fuckwitted men. I'll shut up now..*
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:32, Reply)

I'm not even going to mention your life before Christmas.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Hence the shutting up
I am well aware of my ability to attract fuckwittery, albeit in substantially less interesting circumstances than swipey and her mates.
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Well at least you attract something.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

The amount of stories you have, surely so do you?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:13, Reply)

Trouble, mainly
and from the stories you tell, you get a lot more giggedy than I do, although that's possibly because you choose, erm, men who fuck you then fuck you over.
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:17, Reply)

Like a younger Rswipe!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:18, Reply)

gee
i can't hear this enough, thanks for reminding me how positively ancient i am
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Notice the 2 letters at the end -er
She needs only to be a day younger for that to apply to her!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:00, Reply)

Fuck me, and fuck off, as one of them said
No, I really don't. I just have some great stories.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:18, Reply)

i have a lot of girlfriends
but the stories come from the same few. there must be a reason for this, but we have spent many many nights trying to work out why we attract fuckwits, and have failed to find an answer.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Because you're the sort of girl that headbutts gym equipment?

( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:35, Reply)

I think you've put your finger on it there

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:36, Reply)

I am very incisive.

( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Or Swipes forehead.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Why would I put my finger on her forehead?

( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Some sort of Jedi mind trick?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:38, Reply)

PFFT

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:43, Reply)

Because you've all spent the night with your friends analysing why you attract fuckwits
Rather than going out and meeting 'normals'?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:36, Reply)

She prefers 'simples'

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:41, Reply)

bravo

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Erm, I suspect mostly because they seem to actively seek arseholes?
certainly most of the traits that seem to be mentioned as desirable are mostly synonymous with arseholes.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:47, Reply)

what, like arrogant, clever, funny, good looking and rich
but with a tiny hint of vulnerability?

i cannot possibly think why you say anyone with those qualities would be an asshole.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:50, Reply)

it must be the rich bit that makes people arseholes
because I've got all the rest sorted
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:51, Reply)

the fact that I only think I have
clearly means I'm not arrogant enough.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Arrogant?! Why on earth would you go for arrogant?
Totally not my cup of tea.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:53, Reply)

haha. yes.
presactly. although if you're actively searching for someone arrogant and rich you deserve everything you get ;)

I'd also add "six-packed gym obsessive" to that. Nothing wrong with being fit, but any man who hits the gym every day to get "that perfect toning" is gay or a vacuous wanker, and there are no exceptions to that.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:53, Reply)

I only know one guy who goes to the gym every day, or pretty much
and that is my ginger bass player and he goes so he can surf like a fucking demon
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:55, Reply)

depends what he's doing it for, if he's not doing it to look good
then it's probably acceptable. although it's still obsessive, which is hardly a good personality trait in a potential shag. Why doesn't he just swim if he's doing to surf, anyway?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:57, Reply)

not quite the same set of muscles believe it or not
surfing works the triceps, muscles at the top/outside/front of the chest (not an anatomist) and lower back quite a lot more.

edit: my view is that I swim to work most of the appropriate muscles, and improve the others by surfing. It suits me, but you can't help but curse my mate when he can paddle twice as powerfully as I can.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:58, Reply)

so does swimming. Especially on a float.
I do see your point, but there's no gym exercise that would be any better, it's just the easiest substitute I guess. Surfing's a rare example in that it's tricky to train by just doing it, though.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:01, Reply)

you are right, and using a float is something I've considered
but only since having access to a private pool.

you can build the muscles, especially arm and chest, in the gym, but not using them with the appropriate motions.

Core strength is a big thing, but that is very easily done outside the gym.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:05, Reply)

Core strength is there in pretty much any sport, though
is surfing the only thing he does?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:08, Reply)

surfing is the only thing there is!

also, yes, well, he plays double bass as well. That requires quite a lot of upper body and arm strength.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:13, Reply)

I go to the gym most days
It's not so I look perfect (that will never happen anyway), it's so I don't get broken in half on a Saturday
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:56, Reply)

see above.
But i've never got that. I just train several times a week, y'know, for the relevant sport. Although I do agree outdoor training in the winter is painful. but at least it's not full of gym wankers spotting each other.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:58, Reply)

You can't do much strength training outdoors though
And I go on my own to the gym, none of the shit you're suggesting
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:01, Reply)

that's why I qualified the above about "depends what you do it for"
I know some sports require strength training, it's the people that do it for perfect personal image that do my head in.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:03, Reply)

I go to the gym regularly
so that I can eat pizza whenever I like. This strikes me as the best of all the reasons.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:33, Reply)

i've never hit the jackpot with all of them at once though
i've had clever, ugly and rich. i've had arrogant, poor, stupid (well, stupider than i am, believe it or not) and ugly. i've had vulnerable and ugly.

gah.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

seriously, why the fuck do you have arrogant and rich on the list?
both are appallingly unattractive traits in anyone. Well, rich is if it matters to them.

Unless you mean confidence rather than arrogance?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Swipe wants Tony Stark

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:06, Reply)

I didn't see "will be dead from *insert made-up metal here* poisoning soon" on the list..

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:08, Reply)

He's cured though

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:12, Reply)

I really can't say I paid that much attention.
there was other stuff to distract me, like wine to drink and paint to watch dry.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:29, Reply)

Don't we all?

(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:18, Reply)

I don't

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:24, Reply)

i don't really have a list!
the only two things that are essential to me are: we have got to make each other laugh and he has got to be intelligent. the rest is just filler!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:09, Reply)

You should audition people.
Get them to perform a little sketch and then sit and exam, if they pass, you'll consider letting them take you out for a drink.

I might sell the rights to ITV

'Swipe Wants Talent'

The winner can be decided by phone vote.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Haaave you met Ted Crow?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Ted Crow?
Isn't he the head of the railway union? Surely she should punch him rather than date him?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:34, Reply)

Bob Crow
but I'd happily see anyone with the actual surname Crow culled, just to be safe. the collateral damage would be a small price to pay for ridding the world of that cunt.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:36, Reply)

I'm trying to work out whether this is flattery or asteism

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:38, Reply)

*basks in the warm glow of an awesome word*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:39, Reply)

It's a fucking beauty.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:41, Reply)

It's flattery, as you'd surely fulfil her requirements
And it's a quote from HIMYM.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:03, Reply)

Well, thank you kindly.
(Though the HIMYM reference will be completely lost on me.)
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:04, Reply)

Don't think most people would get it, no worries!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:12, Reply)

Stop going for the uglies.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:07, Reply)

Also, it's amazing how shit someone makes you feel, yet you can still miss everything about them

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:22, Reply)

My texts are always nightmarish when drunk
I've tried to invite myself over many times to a boy who really isn't interested, sent the actual text of "For fuck's sake, do you want to get laid or not?!", admitted to a boy that I liked him...in ancient Greek, hissed at Charms when she tried to take my phone off me, all the texts I sent to a certain boy the whole way through 2007, sent a blank message when I was just trying work out what to say but decided not to text a boy and pressed "Send" instead of cancel, and some guff about pelicans.

I shouldn't really own a phone.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:19, Reply)

I once accidently sent an email to the chairman of the company I worked for
slagging off basically everyone instead of to my equally bitchy friend.

That was delightly fun. I think that was after my breakdown though so I probably didn't care too much as they were all cunts
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:32, Reply)

I just try not to use my phone drunk.
It tends to not end well.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:49, Reply)

Phones
should have a breathalyser function with a list of "safe" numbers i.e. taxi, pizza that you can ring if you fail the test. This would solve a LOT of problems
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Computers
should have a similar widget that detects if you're typing your credit card number, and automatically pops out a breathalyser, for the same reasons. Lots of money would be saved, I reckon.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:09, Reply)

This is a good idea

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:13, Reply)

"taxi, pizza, mum?"

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:10, Reply)

No
but my mental ex once texted a long and highly embarrassing message to my office, where it ended up on the answerphone, read out like a dispassionate robot for all to hear. It was just after we broke up and was an appeal to me to go back to her.

Luckily my staff assumed it was one of those automated sales messages and deleted it just as she was starting to talk about our 'amazing sex'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Haha, bravo!

(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:59, Reply)

You made that up.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:07, Reply)

I wish.
It took me a minute to realise what the message was, luckily I wasn't referred to by name.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:10, Reply)

my first day as a letting agent, i was just 18
my first task was to write down the messages on the answerphone. the first message said... "this is a message for helen. i'd like her to suck the cheese out of my nob" and continued in this vein. i sat there for a good few mins wondering whether i should pass this on or not. ah, pissed-off tenants, gotta love them.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:07, Reply)

I had a similarly vitriolic email that had been caught by our filters
The intended recipient was pretty keen on getting it sent to him, thinking he'd made a sale. I tried to tell him that it wasn't the sort of message he thought it was, but no dice.

So he ended up with something like this in his mailbox:

"OK, here you go. I tried to warn you

Regards,
Tech Support

---------------

To: Sales Guy
From: Customer

Hi *Sales Guy*

Fuck you, you cunt. I hope you etc etc

Regards,

Customer"

Can you believe that I got into trouble for sending it to him?
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:11, Reply)

I accidentally texted my mom instead of my GF.
"I'm getting some some milk. Is there anything else I should get at the shops?"

Unsurprisingly nothing happened.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 10:56, Reply)

You filthy bastard!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Ban this sick filth

( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:19, Reply)

I once pressed print instead of reply
on a rather flirty email. The problem is my default printer is the other side of the building and it was 14 pages long.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:13, Reply)

Disregard the reply below it.
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1033210
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:17, Reply)

lies on the internet

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:18, Reply)

14 pages is not flirting
it is begging
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:21, Reply)

.
begging threatening
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Nah, it was "I WANT YOUR COCK!" in 288pt Times New Roman.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:23, Reply)

It was Comic Sans
For added creepiness.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:26, Reply)

12 of them were about lunch.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:26, Reply)

ah yes
love is telling each other what you had for lunch
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:27, Reply)

this.
were you expecting her to get turned on by it or mark it?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:28, Reply)

it was 14 pages of back and forth emails with ridiculously long footers
I didn't write a 14 page email to someone.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:30, Reply)

long footers?
More than 12 inches?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:31, Reply)

A baker's footer

( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:33, Reply)

'Dear fellow WoWer,
here is a list of all my made-up weaponry and equipment from the made-up fantasy world we inhabit. As a level 25 paladin I have a lot of stuff, so don't print this email as it's 14 pages of gibberish.

Yours,

Thringorr The Mighty'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:26, Reply)

I'd link a picture of her if I was as vain as you.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:27, Reply)

One thing I didn't understand about Monty's picture
is that my mrs would kill me if I took a photo of her after she'd just fallen over instead of helping her up.
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:32, Reply)

What she looks like online:

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:38, Reply)

monty that really is mean
i mean, it's GINGER.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:38, Reply)

Dyed red is acceptable

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:57, Reply)

I once dated a ginger

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:57, Reply)

The reality:

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:38, Reply)

I'm going to gaz you because I'm quite smug actually.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:39, Reply)

+ witty and charming?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:40, Reply)

I wondered what Lisa Riley was doing these days
It seems I was right - eating
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:40, Reply)

hahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:43, Reply)

In this picture
she's just celebrating getting some MAJOR power crystals.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:43, Reply)

MAJOR power crystals and large fries.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:44, Reply)

haha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:45, Reply)

She should have got a drink too
the MAJOR power crystals meal is a good deal.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:12, Reply)

with a light snack

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:45, Reply)

...aaand that's put me right off my lunch.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:42, Reply)

I keep saying this,
but shoot me before I become that fat.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:45, Reply)

It would be impossible to miss with a target that big.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Not many people have elephant guns these days.

( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:49, Reply)

yeah, but that much fat works like a kevlar vest.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:49, Reply)

It's be about 3 feet until you hit any interior organs.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:56, Reply)

hahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:27, Reply)

A friend recently MMSed her flange to another friend.
I also wished one of my friends a happy 30th and told him I loved him.
Same name as bf, spelt differently.

Once when in the pub with an annoying friend, she asked me to text another girl demanding she comes out. Knowing she would make an excuse (and who could blame her?)I sent "Chalrie requests your company in the pub. What's that? You have appendicitis? Lucky you!" But I sent it to the wrong girl, a girl who Chalrie's very good mates with.
With a convoluted story I managed to make it look like I was being sarcastic to the other girl as she never seemed to come out and always had an excuse. (She often came out, but just not with annoying Charlie.)

Edited for LIES. And Kroney, who doesn't know what a Chalrie is, the meff.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:33, Reply)

You tell the best stories

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:39, Reply)

Stop the mockery!!!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Who's Suzy?

( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:40, Reply)

Oh, hold on. I changed her name to protect... myself from a beating.
I wanted to use a name that was like hers though. I opted for Charlie but nearly put Suzy.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:46, Reply)

So Charlie's really Suzy?
Because you did put Suzy.
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:47, Reply)

She's neither.
Just one of those names.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Oh you changed it.
I liked Charlie better, change it back to Charlie.
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:48, Reply)

Ok
If I change it to Charlie will you make the snow melt please?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:51, Reply)

Sure thing
I think Charlie makes more sense given the context of the story.
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Thanks.
Snow has stopped. Now make it melt.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:54, Reply)

What's a Chalrie?

( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:54, Reply)

Shut the fuck up!
I'm in work and not supposed to be here. I'm typing fast!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:56, Reply)

How rude

( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:57, Reply)

Well at least I know what a Chalrie is...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:13, Reply)

I've decided I like Suzy better anyway
so you can keep your snow.
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:15, Reply)

I WANT YOU TO SHO-OW MEEEEE

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:22, Reply)

Oh Monty
Monty, Monty, Monty

*shakes head*
( Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:23, Reply)

Aaaaaaaaah wanna know-oo-woooah-oh

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Not texts
But private messages online - unfortunately because it wasn't a proper email server, I couldn't attach pictures directly, so I had to go the long-winded route of uploading an image through a host and linking to it in the email.

It had been a perfectly innocent conversation with a girl on this website. I thought I was getting the right vibes from her, and in the course of conversation I wanted to share some "fluffeh;" a picture of my friend's kittens.

After that she stopped replying. Had I said something I shouldn't have? Imagine my abject horror when I checked my "Sent Items" and realised I'd messed up the html in my last message and sent not an image of adorable feline innocence, but an enormous, high-resolution photograph of my own semi-flaccid genitalia!

I was so embarrassed I almost crashed my harrier jumpjet.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:49, Reply)

haha, nice.
I think "harrier jumpjet" should be the new Honda Accord.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:51, Reply)

Far fewer former-schoolyard bully junkies in the South Pole though

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:54, Reply)

Fewer adequate medical facilities too, though.
Still, that's not a problem if you're a qualified doctor.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:59, Reply)

See I knew this wasn't about you as it mentioned a member of the opposite sex

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:53, Reply)

....who isn't Judy pissing Garland.

Or Kylie.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 11:57, Reply)

I used to date a girl called Bethany
and at the time pay as you go mobiles were a new thing and Bethany was top of my phone list and I got very good at clicking through on auto pilot to send her a text message. This was fine until the day I started college and met Adrian. 5 minutes after swapping numbers I sent Adrian a text message informing him that I couldn't wait to see him again to fuck him like he had never been fucked before.
( Peej, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:08, Reply)

Lucky Adrian.
Why'd you delete your Facebook?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:12, Reply)

I spent way too much time on it when at least 99% is people talking bollocks
When I am bored I should be playing my guitar or reading a book or something, not going on Facebook.
( Peej, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:23, Reply)

I'd rather have self-control than remove the choice all together
but fair play for the sentiment of doing more constructive things with your time. Edit: also, you're still here, and 100% of this is bullshit.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:45, Reply)

After I made the decision that it was pointless I saw no reason to keep it
I am indeed here and it is all bullshit but at least no-one goes on about what they are having for lunch here.

Oh...........
( Peej, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 12:57, Reply)