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(I helped save b3ta! rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Best thing about the opposite sex: curves and sparkly smiles.
Worst thing about the opposite sex: OMG my bum looks huge in this.
Go.
(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:55, 209 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
STOP.
I believe it to be hammertime.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:56, Reply)
Quarter past, by my watch.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:08, Reply)
Your watch is shit.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:12, Reply)
Thought mine needed winding...
That would also explain why I missed my "hammer in the morning."
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:12, Reply)
BT: If you look sad at them they will normally carry things for you
WT: Sometimes they say mean things about my vagina :(
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:57, Reply)
Best thing: They are lovely and curvy and smell nice, and if you're good, they'll do that thing you like.
Worst: Each and everyone has a raving mentalist inside them, bursting to get out. They only manage to achieve this once you're in a relationship them them. Oh, and they bleed.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:59, Reply)
That thing you like - fuck a dog?

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 14:59, Reply)
I've met some girls who can't even hide it until you get in a relationship with them.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:06, Reply)
Surely that is the time to walk away?
Or are you still of the misguided belief - as most blokes are where the chance of getting laid in concerned - you can change them?
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)
I find a little crazy attractive.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)
Maybe if you aren't in it for the long haul, a bit crazy might be fun.
But long-term I'd rather be with someone I can have a laugh with, without wanting to live in each others pockets.

Mentals tend to be far too demanding on your time.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:12, Reply)
Every relationship is demanding on your time.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:16, Reply)
if you consider it a demand
it's probably fucked from the start.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:17, Reply)
it's all relative
and depends what else you have to do with your time.

visiting sick children in hospital, hosting tea parties for the elderly, hooning cocaine of a celebrity torso, playing WOW in your parents' basement...
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:28, Reply)
well, yeah.
But I meant more that a relationship by its nature is going to take up some of your time, which presumably you want to give. If you're going in with the thought that any time spent with the other person is a demand on your time, that's probably a good indication you should stay single.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:34, Reply)
there are lots of indications that a lot of people should stay single
and never reproduce. but sadly they choose to ignore them.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)
You leave WOW out of this

(I helped save b3ta! Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:43, Reply)
Not completely.
People who want to know exactly what time you're finishing work, what time you'll be over to the second and then get all narked when you've got something better to do than listen to them describe the weird dream they had last night.

Those demands on my time I can do without.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)
BT: They're soft and have lovely curvy bits
WT: Each and every one is a mental.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:02, Reply)
mental in a good way
obviously
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:03, Reply)
Of course!
Please don't stab me!
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:05, Reply)
I find the dead one's
Tend to be a tad less mental. But only just.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:05, Reply)
except for the huge number that aren't mental at all, of course.

(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)
Well yes
But why let facts get in the way of a jokingly bile-infused rant?
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:11, Reply)
sorry, my comedy gland was briefly broken there.
won't happen again.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:12, Reply)
Those are the men

(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:17, Reply)



shit. really? there's some good surgeons out there these days then :(
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)
mmm...
Best thing: the way she was willing to break the rules and sleep with someone else even though she had a boyfriend.

Worst thing: the way she was willing to break the rules and sleep with someone else even though she had a boyfriend.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:02, Reply)
EEEEMMMMOOOOO

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:03, Reply)
I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT ABOUT THIS STORY

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:05, Reply)
BT: Some are attractive
WT: Not all of them.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:04, Reply)

attractive careless
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:06, Reply)
I don't get that,
and I'm a fucking genius so it must be shit.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)

genius deluded rapist
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:13, Reply)

careless physically weak
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)
it might have be a deliberate tactic rather than a careless one
setting the bar so low that the next one had to seem like batman or something?
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:21, Reply)
Best thing: Gives nice hugs, best with things digging into your back (like hipbones, or something)
Worst thing: They don't have breasts.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:08, Reply)
I thought you'd met al

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)
Pull a fatty.
A fat bloke probably has moobs.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:10, Reply)
Last guy did.
But moobs are not breasts :(
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:14, Reply)
Why not get some of those fake tits that Gazza always seemed to be photographed wearing...
And insist that any bloke who comes near you, puts them on.

Men won't find that weird in the slightest.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:16, Reply)
But they won't react in the same way!

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)
As Gazza?
Turning up at a police stand off with a fishing rod and a carrier bag full of lager?
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:26, Reply)
No, the breasts.
I like them, you see.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:27, Reply)
Or Sting-rays as they're now known.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)
Good for you
breasts are one of the best things ever.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)
oh noel
you had to set me off, didn't you?

best thing: he knows who he is
worst thing: he knows who he is

or.....

best thing (sometimes): sex
worst thing (sometimes): sex

or.........

best thing: being all broad chested and big handed and getting rid of spiders and generally manly

worst thing: total lack of qualms about lying to girls
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)
You have issues don't you?

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:10, Reply)
ach i'm being flippant
MOSTLY
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:16, Reply)
whereas good old women NEVER lie to men, right sisters?
I've known women who've been just as rotten cheaters as men, plus there's always the classics such as

'No, I don't mind if you go out with your friends'
Trans: I shall start texting you in 20 minutes and will continue to do so all night thus ruining your evening and becoming hysterical if you don't reply to each of them the moment they are sent, or

'No, there's nothing wrong'
Trans: you have ONE GUESS ONLY to work out what is wrong. Clue: it's to do with 'emotions' or fannies.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:17, Reply)
Yes, I do have issues.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)
hahaha!!
EMO!
(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:19, Reply)
not all girls are like that
some of us have never cheated on anyone ever, even when it wasn't a proper relationship and the temptation was HUGE, and we are actually thrilled when our boyfriends have a great social life because it gets them the hell out of our hair.

but i do have some friends who make norman bates look normal when it comes to their blokes, yes.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:19, Reply)
That texting thing fucking enrages me
Especially when they inevitably say "Oh, I'm not interrupting your evening, am I?".
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:24, Reply)
I think we must have dated the same woman at some point Monty.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:19, Reply)

the same a
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:21, Reply)
hahahaha

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:23, Reply)
*bangs fist against chest twice, then raises it in the air*

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:20, Reply)
I don't think he does, you should tell us
and why.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)
BT: They stimulate the release of various chemicals in my brain which reward my inherent instinct to breed
WT: They are a rare species around physics departments and some might say this is why I've had resort to being such a biblical-scale posterior-plunderer.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:11, Reply)
Best thing: most of them aren't 'into football' and ask if you 'saw the game'
Worst thing: dang bitches be sweatin' me twennyfo' sevin.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:12, Reply)
You jive turkey.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:13, Reply)
Football is a useful seduction tool
casually mention football, if they pretend to be interested then they are interested in you.

Or a dyke, either or.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:13, Reply)
Or, in the case of a few I know
actually interested in football. shockingly.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:15, Reply)
It's when they claim to be into cricket you have to double-check.

(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:16, Reply)
Yeah, well you can prove anything with "facts" can't you?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:17, Reply)
Worst thing: Snakes
Best thing: with tits
(TheColonel, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:12, Reply)
This is quite good.

(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:13, Reply)
I've found that calling all women "snakes with tits"
to a girl you're trying to sleep with, isn't the greatest move.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:15, Reply)
Really?
did you also find some bear poo under a tree?
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:16, Reply)
Other highlights of my classic "lines that won't get you laid" are
You don't like Star Trek, are you some sort of cunt?
Is your sister as hot as you?
Are you on the rebound yet?
Or talking about The Wire until she "had to go"
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:19, Reply)
Oh and I told someone I used to fancy their mum.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:35, Reply)
Smooooooth.

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:37, Reply)
Her mum was super hot though
used to be a TV actress.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:39, Reply)
could be worse
my mate's girlfriend told my mate's mum that all his mates thought she was most fuckable. While I was stood right there.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:43, Reply)
You can understand them through the gag?

(TheColonel, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)
BT : Some of them like me.
WT : Anxiety ridden mentalists.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:13, Reply)
BT: The ones the don't wear much in summer
WT: The other ones that don't wear much in summer.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:13, Reply)
This!
4 tits is not a good look
(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)
the 'Total Recall' look

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:33, Reply)
Another Worst Thing:
The never seem to find me attractive.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:14, Reply)
Because you're not

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:15, Reply)
cry me a fucking river

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:15, Reply)
I'm not whinging. I'm quite accepting of the fact.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:20, Reply)
I am reliably informed
that you have a face 'like a bucket of busted twats'.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:27, Reply)
I got my face restyled based on the Niki Lauder collection.
It's been cut from the clunge of Cher and modelled loosely on Simon Weston.

So that would make sense.
(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:29, Reply)
officelol

(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:31, Reply)
"looks like he's been set on fire and put out with a shovel"

(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:32, Reply)
or an axe

(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:33, Reply)
Because you have a dog on your cock

(TheColonel, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)
Do you think that might be holding me back?

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:20, Reply)
And your breath smells like wet dog

(TheColonel, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:23, Reply)
Are we saying this isn't a good thing?

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:24, Reply)
this as well, less of women and more of men
I mean, unless it's a 50something year old harley riding, leather weather, long haired hippy, then I'm totally up their alley
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:24, Reply)
Chicks, eh. They're all soft and cuddly, but you never get to be with one.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:16, Reply)
And when you want to have sex, they just lie there bleeding

(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:37, Reply)
Best thing: Sandwiches on demand
Worst thing: Sometimes they forget the mustard.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:17, Reply)
ponders
I dont get sandwiches on demand. Wonder if I can find the receipt.
(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:19, Reply)
Best: smelling nice and/or not so nice and man like which is nice, having stubbly faces and rough skin, they have nice deep manly voices
worst: some are incredibly selfish
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:17, Reply)
Worst thing...
The Hypothetical question! Why must women insist on making up retarded scenarios and getting angry with your answer.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:19, Reply)
My missus once woke up at about 3am,
rolled over and asked "Why have you been drawing on the ceiling in pencil?"

Truly, what can you answer to that?
(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:20, Reply)
Anything you fucking like mate, she's either asleep or mental.
Unless, of course, you had been drawing on the ceiling with pencil?
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:24, Reply)
My 6 foot pencil was downstairs at the time
so I couldnt reach whilst laid down in bed
(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:29, Reply)
How about "because the bicycle's been shining on my knees".
Works every time.*
* Edit: may not work every time, very nearly though.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:24, Reply)
Didn't work as a response to
"Why are you in bed with my mother?"
but otherwise, foolproof!
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:25, Reply)
That's surely a case for
"I was thinking of asking you to marry me, but I needed to know what fucking you in 30 years time was going to be like"
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)
*shudders*

(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:32, Reply)
have you just come?

(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:36, Reply)
Many, many times
*drowns*
(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:38, Reply)
*floods Australia*

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)
Now that is good
Shows foresight and consideration.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:34, Reply)
but if you get away with that you have to marry them.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:38, Reply)
course not. just tell them their mum was shit in bed.

(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:42, Reply)
I will keep this for the next time!

(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:28, Reply)
To be fair to the fairer sex,
I've only known one woman to do this - though she really could be a certified mentalist about it. As far as I can remember, no other women I've dated has tried this technique on me.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)
I've had 2 who were vociferous supporters of this policy
in order to extract information.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:43, Reply)
Best: Eyes, smiles, cuddles, personality.
Worst: Often insane.

Also, I absolutely adore singers. If she can sing, 9 times out of 10 I'd go for her.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:28, Reply)

often
(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:29, Reply)
it's all those cleaning products

(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:31, Reply)
anyone can sing
just not necessarily in key
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:38, Reply)
Good singers then
The girl I went out with for the longest was an astonishing singer, she's training to be a Soprano. Her singing would send shivers down your spine.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:40, Reply)

singing awesome booty shivers precum spine trouserleg
(TheColonel, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:47, Reply)
Oof, she did have a cracking arse.
But by christ, she had a good voice too
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:00, Reply)
You fancy Susan Boyle AICM sick bucket

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)
I didn't think it was possible to go too far on here
but you have just pissed on "the line" and ran off into the distance there
(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:43, Reply)
Actually, there is nothing I like about her, she's not even that good a singer.
Blame the ex for that, but I've heard a 16 year old sing 'I dreamed a dream' better than that fat old witch ever could.

Also, she looks like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:54, Reply)
9 times out of ten, eh?
OK, you're in a room with
Toyah Willcox
Susan Boyle
Geri Halliwell
Adele
Beth Ditto
Cilla Black
Those padraig inbreds from B*witched, esp the one who looks like she's had facial reconstruction following an incident with a spade
Celine 'Joey' Dion
etc

You'd knob the lot of 'em, right?

You're not right in the head, man.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:45, Reply)
I'd probably slip Adele one, to be fair
as long as she didn't talk. She could sing if she wanted, but she'd need to keep that godawful Estuary quiet.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:48, Reply)
You pedantic bastard, you know what I mean.
Although, if we're talking prime of their lives, I wouldn't mind going for Cilla Black in the 60s.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)
Bollocks, Boyce
you'd do the lot of them, just so you could weave it into a bar anecdote. I know your sort.

except the B*witched spade one. I think there are limits.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)
There are lies, and there are damned lies.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:57, Reply)
In keeping with my day so far,
can you ask this question in the form "Why do I have to pay so much tax?"

I can then spend half an hour explaining why, and you can follow up with "Yes, but why is my tax bill so big?"

BT: Women generally think i'm nice.
WT: Women generally don't like nice guys.

But am I bovvahed?
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:31, Reply)
i was literally just about to say to you
"where have you been all day, this place is shit without you, don't tell me you actually had some work to do"

or in other words, hello!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:33, Reply)
Hi Hon
it's been a busy day. I actually feel a bit spaced out by it all.
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:35, Reply)
it is a friday afternoon
it is simply rude to keep you that busy.

roll on 31 jan...
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)
I've got to go and see a client in a minute
I hope I don't have to make sense or anything...
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:47, Reply)
good lord
who wants to see their accountant on a friday afternoon (unless it was to do anything other than accounts)?
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:51, Reply)
It's my fault, but it was Friday afternoon or Monday morning.
Catch you later...
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:55, Reply)
xx

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:57, Reply)
I read that as 31 Jam and as such have just had some of my yummy blackcurrant preserve on toast

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:50, Reply)
I love you

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)
ta
I have a mahoooosive loaf to eat up so I may be back for seconds soon
lolzfattie
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:55, Reply)
I'm sorry
loaf to eat up so I may be back for seconds soon
lolzfattie vagina
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:10, Reply)
no you're not

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:11, Reply)

I am a little bit
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:14, Reply)
Yes, this place is shit without accountant's anecdotes.

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:39, Reply)
it really is
that says a lot now i come to think of it!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:40, Reply)
Meow
saucer of milk for Noel
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:46, Reply)
somehow
i don't think you'd be quite as happy to have noel curled up on your lap as your cat, though who am i to judge?
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:48, Reply)
I bet he wouldn't honk-up on my carpet every other day though

(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:51, Reply)
I'll take that bet
*feeds noel old chicken*
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)
Wuv woo!

(I helped save b3ta! Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:49, Reply)
Aww, I can't stay mad at you
have a dish of "Oh So Meaty!" Whiskas cat food. It's puke-tastic.
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:52, Reply)
*gets jealous*

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:54, Reply)
Just say "because you touch yourself at night"
it's a good an answer as any about tax in the current climate. And you know that anyone who denies it is a liar, and you don't feel bad about it.

IME women start to like nice guys more when they eventually realise that nasty arrogant wankers are actually a bad idea. say, late 20s, early 30s? of course, if you still look like a bulldog licking piss off nettles there's little hope regardless..
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:40, Reply)
this is actually true
a lot of my male friends who never had much luck with girls said that it is like a coin flipping over at the age of about 29... suddenly girls who would not have looked twice at them at 22 are desperate to get in their pants.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:42, Reply)
It is true
When we're younger, we're always the ones complaining that women have all the cards, but men win the strategic game.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:47, Reply)
I wasn't, when I was younger.
I didn't give a shit. Still don't, to be honest.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:52, Reply)
not sure about "not looked twice"
unless the girl concerned is getting seriously desperate, I think they still find similar looks attractive, it's more about how the personality fits with people's changing ideas of what they want.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:50, Reply)
Actually the worse thing
is that they just find me far too awesome to ever want to go out with me that's the reason right? please just let me have this *cries*
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:42, Reply)
Just this once
We will give you that, as its Friday
(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:45, Reply)
that's exactly it.
that and you will insist in living with Gonz in London.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:46, Reply)
*awkward silence*
*heads to the bar*
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:47, Reply)

I'll have a cider please
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:48, Reply)
Already got you one
I'm nice like that.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:49, Reply)
You're nicer than Monty

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:51, Reply)
Cholera is nicer than Monty

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:59, Reply)
This may indeed be true
but I only have one chin.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:00, Reply)
Soon, my friend, so will I

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:01, Reply)
Well maybe I'll have a nicer personality.

Actually, as you were.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:07, Reply)
I think you're more likely to get cholera

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:09, Reply)
*turns off phone in pocket*

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:50, Reply)
*notices alarmingly attractive barmaid*
Plan B said it best recently:
I got my girlfriend ringing me, belling me up
I know I should probably answer but I just can't be fucked
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:52, Reply)
^ with a bag of pork scratchings floating in it.
I heard she likes a bit of pork in cider.
(TheColonel, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:51, Reply)
I'm going to do both because I'm greedy like that.
Women:
BT: Tits. Fucking sexy.
WT: I always fancy the straight ones.

Men:
BT: Bedroom antics (read: Cock). Buy me things. The cuddling
WT: The "men only want sex" thing isn't as true as I'd hope.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:52, Reply)
OMG U FANCY GIRLZ?!
Any really hot girls you fancy you should send my way.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)
There's only one girl I fancy at the moment
And she's taken. She was my flatmate last year, and she is smokin hot.
She'd get all bicurious and tell me she fancied me when she was drunk and we'd get off, and then her boyfriend would drag her away.
He didn't like us being alone together :(

Oh and the girl I got with on NYE. But she also has a boyfriend. And now so do I.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:13, Reply)
I tend to fancy girls who are taken
It's not exactly ideal!
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:17, Reply)
I had a terrible habit of fancying girls who didn't fancy me

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:20, Reply)
I have that too
I would draw a Venn diagram, but it'd just be one massive circle of FAIL.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:22, Reply)
If only I'd got there first,
I well could have turned her.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:24, Reply)
Until she found that boy and ditched you for him
Face it, he's just better than you.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:26, Reply)
APPLEBITE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND!

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:31, Reply)
Best thing:
amazing man smell (well, not all of them unfortunately) manly hugs, hairiness (but not too much) and getting things off high shelves for ickle old me
Worst thing: the astonishing lack of available nice ones mainly.
(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:54, Reply)
There's plenty of single nice guys around
You'll never meet one because they're all too busy playing warcraft in their bedrooms
(I helped save b3ta! Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:11, Reply)
Best thing: Norks.
Worst thing: "If this prettier man hadn't wandered by while you were at the bar, I'd totally have been going home with you." Thanks for that.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:01, Reply)
Fucking hell, has someone actually said that to you?

(berk, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:02, Reply)
Twice :(
Although paraphrased, to be fair.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)
The second one then ponced a cigarette.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:07, Reply)
Did you then think "I hope this is the one that tips you over into cancerdom"?

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)
HA! HA!
*awaits being sworn at*
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:13, Reply)
That quote made me officelol
Best unintentional wing-manning since Sexface and Catface.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)
It seems I just can't help making every bloke in the vicinity look more attractive by comparison.
Which explains how you ended up part of "the tripod".
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:07, Reply)
I thank you for it
But not enough to reward you in any way.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)

Best thing: They're lovely to cuddle.
Worst thing: They make you so sad you eat peanut butter straight from the jar while crying big, fatso tears.
(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:02, Reply)
I wonder if anyone with a nut allergy has done that as a suicide attempt.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)
I think my mum has that.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:10, Reply)
i sometimes do this
nothing to do with being sad over men, i just really like crunchy peanut butter...
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:09, Reply)
same here
I have to buy the sainsburys basics stuff so I don't bankrupt myself
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:12, Reply)
I've had to stop buying it
I was getting through a jar a week.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:14, Reply)
i like the whole earth no added sugar one
it's saltier and thicker.

but i also don't buy it, i never buy anything that i could be tempted to eat! the new flatmate has filled my pink fridge with food, when it usually has liquids only, but it is all super-healthy which is good.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:16, Reply)
the worst thing is
a lot of brands (particularly the cheaper ones) have palm oil in, so by eating it we are also killing orang-utans
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:17, Reply)
Is that deemed to be a bad thing, nowadays?
*ruefully puts rifle back in cabinet*
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:18, Reply)
as animals go they are among the best
also: you can't put it in the cabinet, there's already stuff in it


(brought to you by kimjongillookingatthings.tumblr.com/page/3)
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:20, Reply)
Right turn Clyde.

(I helped save b3ta! JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:22, Reply)
aww me no like sad lusty
*cuddles*
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:10, Reply)
*watches from a bush*

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:14, Reply)
Cheers TGB
But I'm not sad and it's not like I'm doing it now, honest.
I've progressed to just shoving as many creme eggs into my mouth as I can and smearing nutella all over my face.
(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:15, Reply)
Oh my god that is hot.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:25, Reply)

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