That threads too long now.
Please tell me the worst joke you know so I can insult you and thus cheer myself up a bit. Bonus points for stats jokes.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:28, 242 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

They're all too long to type out
jk I don't know any jokes
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)

That's because you're a girl, and girls aren't funny.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)

You can always laugh at a girls genitals

(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:36, Reply)

Not according to the terms of my parole!
SEE I CAN LAUGH AT MYSELF
*LAUGHS*
*dies inside*
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:37, Reply)

I don't know any rubbish jokes.
This may be a massive fib
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)

Thanks for your contribution
it's really appreciated.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:31, Reply)

I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a sweepsteak

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:46, Reply)

A bloke goes into a bar
and goes "I'll have a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate please!"

barman goes "Certainly sir. That'll be 80p"

And a shiny silver ten penny for anyone who gets it, as that will make you roughly as sad as me.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:31, Reply)

I got it, it's a comment on beer prices in london.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:32, Reply)

Not even close.
It's a biology joke. Yes, they do exist.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:34, Reply)

I know, ATP I did biology A level
I was being hilarious.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:35, Reply)

you weren't, you know.
unless you meant hilarious sarcastically.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:37, Reply)

Take sammi for example, that's a great joke by biology.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:36, Reply)

I can't believe I laughed at that
you fucker!
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:00, Reply)

A friend of mine isn't well educated.
All he has is the cúpla logoi.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:33, Reply)

That's not only a weak joke, you need to understand three languages to get it.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:34, Reply)

I don't speak any languages.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:38, Reply)

Suggestivly say "Is it true what they say about [race/creed/religious] people? ... no, it's not that they're [possative steriotype].... that they're all fucking peadofiles".
I thought that one up when at the gym in the showers and I started laughing to myself.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:35, Reply)

Why are a group of peadofiles called a ring and not a gang?
Not a joke but I'm sure there's a punchline in there somewhere.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:36, Reply)

.... hmmm, sometime to do with Lord of the Rings?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:37, Reply)

Descartes walks into a bar and asks for a pint
the barman goes "You? I think not!" and promptly disappears.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:36, Reply)

A multiplication sign goes into a pub and asks for a sandwich
the barman says "sorry, we don't cater for functions"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:38, Reply)

A neutron goes into a bar and asks "how much for a pint of lager?"
barman says "for you? no charge"

I've got a lot more of these, you know.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:39, Reply)

two atoms are walking down the road
when one of them stops suddenly and begins checking his pockets frantically.
"What's the matter?" asks the other atom.
"I've lost an electron!" he replies.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:47, Reply)

I laughed at this as well
Dear god I'm sad.
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:01, Reply)

I went to this fancy dress party dressed as sodium chloride, this man poored sulphuric acid on me, i didnt know how to react.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:04, Reply)

This reminds me of the piece of string
who wanted a pint in a bar but was scornfully told by the barman that he didn't serve pieces of string. So he went outside, rolled in the dirt and messed himself up, went back in and asked again. Met with the question 'are you a piece of string?' he replied 'fraid not'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:40, Reply)

haha, tidy.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:42, Reply)

*Standing by the urinal with another bloke*
YOU DON'T BUY THE BEER HERE, YOU RENT IT.

Seriously, someone said that to me.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:37, Reply)

I fucking hate people talking to me when I've got my cock out.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:39, Reply)

this must make you a very caring and sensitive lover

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:40, Reply)

*that's the joke link*

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)

I thought the joke was
you had a lover?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:50, Reply)

He can't
wank and talk at the same time, hence the silence.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:52, Reply)

I got a very insulting offer of sex yesterday
My mate just broke up with his girlfriend, I was trying to persuade her to make an effergy of him to burn and invite all his friends.
She said she'd get back at him by either getting people to punch him or meeting me and having a couple of bottles of wine.
Which is basically "I'll sleep with you but only for revenge, and only when I'm hammered" I did not take her up on the offer.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:57, Reply)

that's delightful of her

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:01, Reply)

helping the needy you mean?

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:02, Reply)

no, being a horrible bitch

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:04, Reply)

She didn't even take me up on the effigy idea.
I was well up for burning something yesterday afternoon.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:07, Reply)

did he dump her in a horrible way?

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)

Yep. From what I know.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:10, Reply)

hang on
how did you construe an offer of sex from "i'll meet up with you and have a few bottles of wine" ?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:17, Reply)

In context it was obvious.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:22, Reply)

Pretty much everything is a come on if you're a rapist

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:24, Reply)

wouldn't that be a difficult way to live your life?
text from the bank saying you're overdrawn? phwoar, barclays is really hot for me today...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:28, Reply)

'Don't ever come near me again
or I'll get a restraining order' becomes

'She must want me to come *in* her, and she definitely wants to try some of that BDSM stuff'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:32, Reply)

Yeah, I'm thinking the Tarantino character in from Dusk till dawn, she was one thing which was filtered into filthy come on's by our prospective rapist

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:33, Reply)

This is only a couple of weeks after another girl said
"I'd be your girlfriend if you won the lottery."
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)

that is incredibly shallow
actually saying you'd date a rich man is awful
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)

considering how often girls bang on about things damaging their self-esteem
you might expect that they'd show some tact in the opposite direction

did you scream back "I WOULDN'T BE YOUR BOYFRIEND EVER YOU FUCKING FAT MISERABLE BITCH!"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:09, Reply)

The best is when they say something really fucking horrible
which you ignore because you're into them, but then they have a go at you for saying something a lot less insulting as a joke.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:11, Reply)

Yeah but that just makes it sound
like you excuse bad behaviour because you fancy them, whereas you'd pull anyone else up on it- exactly as they are doing.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:12, Reply)

I think it's more giving them the benifit of the doubt.
Everyone can say things that can be interpretted the wrong way. I often tend to assume that anyone I'm involved with isn't trying to insult me but I haven't often found that this works both ways.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:15, Reply)

But if it's outright horrible
like someone saying they'd only sleep with you if you won the lottery you should pull them up on it, even if you fancy them. Otherwise they'll view you as a pushover.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:18, Reply)

I'm not much one for confrontation in real life.
and I am a bit of a pushover.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:21, Reply)

Well your choice
but even from people I fancy, I wouldn't stand for them being deliberately cruel and I probably wouldn't fancy them for much longer, no matter how attractive they were.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:23, Reply)

sometimes it's better to tell people what you really think, though
otherwise they WILL draw their own conclusions. whereas having what might seem like it would be a difficult conversation can stop them from thinking you are a total twat. and inevitably telling everyone else that you are a total twat. AND the conversation might be easier than you think, eg my fiasco this morning.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:24, Reply)

hate love talking screaming to me for help
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:55, Reply)

I won £1,000,000 on the homeopathic lottery last night
This morning they gave me 10p in a jug of water.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:39, Reply)

I saw something similar the other way round in the Independent
suggesting that homeopathy didn't need £10M in NHS funding, they could just put a quid in a massive jar and fund all their "research" using the memory of money.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)

They fucking should do, the cunts.
As Tim Minchin said: "Do you know what they call alternative medicine that's been proven to work? Medicine".
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:46, Reply)

That's Dara O'briain, unless Minchin has taken to stealing his material
"everything else is a nice cup of tea and some pot pourri"

but, yeah, I agree wholeheartedly..
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:48, Reply)

You're right, it is Dara O'Briain
Someone wrongly attributed it to Minchin the other day and now the wrong quotee is imprinted in my brain.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:51, Reply)

O'Brian is appalling shit for a comedian. He isn't funny.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)

you mean he doesn't appeal to your sense of humour
not the same thing at all. He's unquestionably funny.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:59, Reply)

I even tried reading his books, and watching his three twats in a dinghy programme.
I repeat he is appllingly shit for a comedian and isn't funny. He is half decent as a host where someone else writes for him.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:02, Reply)

no, his humour is almost entirely observational and situational
which means it will appeal to some and not to others. You're obviously one of the latter. It doesn't mean it's not funny. You are not the sole arbitrator of what is funny.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)

I bloody should be !!!!!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:27, Reply)

arbitrator arbiter

You're welcome.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:28, Reply)

I saw him live a little while ago
it was about 50/50 funny/not funny
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:59, Reply)

Did the not funny half consist of him saying "eeeeeeerrrrrr"?

(TheColonel, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Who is then?

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:00, Reply)

I'm going to bet he says someone like Russell Brand, or Lee Evans...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:02, Reply)

I saw Lee Evans live once, not only was it shit, I was sat two rows in and got covered in his
unfunny sweat
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)

Do they not issue you plastic capes
like at Seaworld? Poor planning.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:29, Reply)

Hahah you're on form today BP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:39, Reply)

ah mate loads but my favourites are
Ross Noble
Reginald D Hunter
Richard Pryor
Chris Rock
George Carlin

there are loads more and not in any particular order either
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)

Ross Noble
and Chris Rock are both dire though
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)

I agree
but, again, that only means we don't find them funny. Doesn't mean that they aren't funny. Different tastes innit?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)

although, Chris Rock isn't funny.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:09, Reply)

normally I'd agree but O'Briain isn't funny. He is intelligent and occasionally witty.
Never ever funny
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:09, Reply)

are witty and funny particularly different?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:15, Reply)

yes very.
A clown is funny. Someone falling down stairs is funny.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:17, Reply)

that's slapstick or situational
it's more a different type of funny than a whole different thing. I do see what you're getting at, mind you.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:22, Reply)

you are more eloquent than me
so I'm pleased you know what I'm trying to say!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:24, Reply)

I'd rather witty than funny
in that case
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:22, Reply)

how disappointing for you not to be either.

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:37, Reply)

Charming Vipros, charming

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:41, Reply)

do you expect anything less?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:46, Reply)

I'd usually agree with you Badger
but in the case of Ross Noble I'm afraid I'm going to have to say most definitely not funny. Similar to Peter Kay and Ricky Gervais.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:10, Reply)

ross noble does have the capacity for funny
on QI he has been amusing

whereas Peter Kay and Gervais don't even have the capacity
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:14, Reply)

I think Chris Rock is hilarious and wickedly smart. His jokes about guns and bullets are brilliant.
Noble is like Izzard, you either get him or you don't/ I forgot Dylan Moran he is brill!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)

Dylan Moran is brilliant.
I might watch 'Monster' tonight.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:13, Reply)

You don't "get him or you don't"
in that it's not some test of your intellectual prowess. His humour appeals to some and not to others. The more off the wall you are, the more you polarise opinion. That's the only way he's similar to Izzard, their comedy is poles apart.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:13, Reply)

^This
I understand where Ross Noble is coming from, it just doesn't feel all that fresh to me. Whereas Izzard makes me crack up.

Same with Tim Minchin, I think 'cut price Bill Bailey' others think he's fantastic. Different viewpoints
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:15, Reply)

Izzard's humour is rooted in his education and intelligence and general knowledge
Noble's is more rooted in faux-stupidity, of himself and of others. I'm not a fan of that kind of humour, is all. I don't know why, nothing wrong with it, I just don't really find it funny. The same reason why Ricky Gervais is shite to me.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:18, Reply)

he has legs, that's a similarity.
he has eyes, that's another, or two if I want to get technical.

I know what you're saying TMB, let me clarify by saying I class them as unorthodox stand ups as neither really plans their set.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:15, Reply)

I agree about this, absolutely.
see above for more though, I'm not just being facetious, they generally root their comedy very differently although they are both unorthodox and play-it-by-ear.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:20, Reply)

I can't deal with that 'OoOoOoOoh I'm so RANDOM' shit
It is the reason why that Fielding cunt will be first against the wall.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:17, Reply)

Did you see him on the Big Fat Quiz
I wanted to slap him.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:19, Reply)

Nah, I don't have a TV
My housemate was watching Buzzcocks on iplayer the other week, and Paloma Faith was on, and they were flirting with each other. If those two were allowed to breed, the world would implode due to too much 'smug, pretentious, unfunny, cunt' concentration in one place.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:21, Reply)

Oh so, much like if you and AA are allowed to breed?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:24, Reply)

but less ugly

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:34, Reply)

I will never breed.
I'd make a shit mother. Even my cat ran away because I said mean things to her.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:36, Reply)

haha Noel Fielding is ace
I love a man who isn't afraid to wear a cape
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:24, Reply)

I'm quite glad someone has said this
he might not be the best comedian in the world but I find him quite amusing
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:25, Reply)

fucking mtfu and say it yourself next time then
he is still bollocks
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:26, Reply)

I hadn't even noticed the Fieldinghate
until TGB had posted and I had something to agree with
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:29, Reply)

Ignore Bobby we all know he doesn't get the internet
I don't think I can make oxford I have to work but like totally see you at my birthday. I may be drunk and grope you. I do not apologise
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:33, Reply)

No apologies needed
and it'll be good to see you then
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:54, Reply)

I like the fact that he genuinely seems to have fun on panel shows and stuff

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:28, Reply)

I'm no expert judge
but he does look as though he's enjoying it and it's a lot better than those who are up their own arse about it
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:31, Reply)

yeah but I could go and find
millions of other people who will have just as much if not more fun than him who will be funnier.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:31, Reply)

Don't hurry back

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:33, Reply)

Nah I immac'd it

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:37, Reply)

but who haven't made a successful career for themselves
and therefore don't have the same opportunity.

It's like every cunt ever saying 'I could do better than Damien Hirst' and then not one of them ever making an actual move towards giving it a shot.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:34, Reply)

if you had said Tracey Emin
I would've said "most people wouldn't think that producing that fucking shite would get them anywhere"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:36, Reply)

I can't stand it myself
but I also think that it's odd that most people who think they could do better haven't even tried.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:37, Reply)

not sure whether I agree
or not.

Can't remember if I am guilty of saying that I could do better. I suspect not. Even with how shit U2 are, I still don't proclaim to be able to do better. This speaks more about my own ego these days I think.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:44, Reply)

I try not
to claim to be better than people. But I do think I could do a better sketch show than Frankie Boyle and half the other crew, but sadly they don't accept open submissions
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:51, Reply)

I generally don't need to claim it
it's immediately apparent.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:54, Reply)

Have you ever done any standup?
Send me some of your material and I'll cast a critical eye over it.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:58, Reply)

I'm not funny enough
for standup, but I can write fairly consistently for sketches
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:01, Reply)

So can I.
If you want feedback, drop me a line.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:04, Reply)

I don't know
Did you watch "Goldsmiths: But is it art?"? It was on BBC4 about six months ago. Set of fucking cunts, the lot of them.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:39, Reply)

Media coverage is different ,he has done enough to hang around with the same old shit for now
but it won't last. Look at Russell Brand, he had fuck all going for himself so has bagged a spastic yank and gone into shit movies as he can't carry on being shit for a living. Fielding has made such a fuss about being lolwaki he has effectively condemned himself to fail as anything he does will either be the same and shit or new and trying to hard and therefore shit.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:42, Reply)

^this

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:44, Reply)

he is a tit
you like tits
you are a lesbian
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:26, Reply)

I like breasts

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:29, Reply)

But but but...
He said the 'N' word!!!

Not as bad as Frankie Boyle, who realisedhe wasn't funny, and just decided to go all out for shock humour, which backfired as it seemingly turned out he was quite the racist.
(TheColonel, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:11, Reply)

I read Frankie Boyles autobiography and it made me laugh
His recent comedy's been fucking dire though.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:13, Reply)

Yeah, I was referring to his recent show.
It had one hilarious sketch which was about the George Michael school of driving, but the rest of it consisted of terrible jokes with punchlines along the lines of "Big black cock/Abortion/Paki"
(TheColonel, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:18, Reply)

There hasn't been a good sketch show in forever it seems
Even Armstrong and Miller is only so-so.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:23, Reply)

That Mitchell and Webb Look is probably one of the funniest things ever to have been on tv

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:28, Reply)

It's a shame the last series was so weak
as they had been exceptionally funny prior to that.

(Like the sig, by the way)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:31, Reply)

it was still better than almost everything else on
like fucking Gavin and Stacey, and the IT Crowd.

Piles of shit.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:32, Reply)

I saw Big Train on dvd the other day for about £6 and for some reason I didn't buy it
EPIC SADFACE.

Also awight cockhead?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:34, Reply)

that was a mistake
yeah, I'm good ta. How about you shitbag?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:36, Reply)

yeah not too bad
Had an awesome weekend walking around places. I have to work this Saturday but Sunday I think I may walk to a park near me with a big lake in it
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:39, Reply)

good stuff :-)
I have managed to avoid getting flu, despite all my nearest and dearest getting it.

I suspect this a combination of drinking the juice of a massive lemon, eating a really hot chilli con carne and my fundamental hardcoreness
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:41, Reply)

Or maybe it's because you have been ill for the last five months and are finally immune to something

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:47, Reply)

I haven't been ill for the last five months
as far as I know
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:51, Reply)

I watched the first series and only liked two sketches
They were very funny though.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:33, Reply)

^ This
Reginald D Hunter's OK, but he wouldn't be on my favourites list.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:11, Reply)

he's very good live.
Although he veers a bit too close to shock humour occasionally. But he was the best gig I saw at the Festival a couple of years ago.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:14, Reply)

His banter with the audience is good, his comedy itself is shit

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:00, Reply)

I once sold a "Homephatic good luck email" on ebay for $1.
true story.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:43, Reply)

Long...
There was once a rich old man, who lived without family or friends, having only his servant Warble to keep him company. Warble was at his beck and call, and all the master needed to do was call his name, and Warble would be there.

One morning, the old man woke up, and called Warble. When Warble enquired what the matter was, the old man stated he had woken in a terrible mood, and needed cheering up. As it was a cold day, Warble suggested a nice hot bath. While the bath was running, the old man considered what he could do that day, and suggested them to Warble, saying things like "What about Shooting, Warble?" and "What about a round of golf, Warble?"

When the bath was filled, Warble left the room, and the old man climbed in. As he lay back and relaxed, he felt a rumble in his stomach. Pitching to one side, he let rip with a long, rasping fart that thoroughly cheered him up.

About 10 seconds later, Warble entered the room, carrying a hot water bottle. The old man was embarrassed about the smell, and shouted "What are you doing, Warble?"
Warble replied "You did ask for a hot water bottle, sir."
The master responded "Don't be stupid, I know I didn't!"
Looking shocked, Warble said "But Sir, I could have sworn you said WhatAboutAWaterBottleWarble!"

It's an astonishingly shit joke, with a punchline that doesn't make any sense until you say it out loud, quickly. Blame my Dad, he's the reason that this is always the first joke that springs to mind.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:42, Reply)

Congratulations!
You answered the thread correctly. That joke is fucking terrible.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)

some from my brother the accountant
Q: Why did the number get mad at his wife?
A: Because she was being irrational.

Q: Did you hear that joke about the infinite line?
A: Don’t worry, It doesn’t have a point!

Q: What do you get when you cross a sherpa and a mountain goat?
A: Nothing. you can’t cross two scalars.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:43, Reply)

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)

Why is it a bad idea for Santa to have his Grotto valued just after Christmas?
because it's at its lowest NPV!


NPV = Net Present Value
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:45, Reply)

Why does Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker is getting for Christmas?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:47, Reply)

Because he's a cunt

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:48, Reply)

What is E.T. short for?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Because he's got little legs

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:51, Reply)

Ahhh, thank you!
I do love that one
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:51, Reply)

'cus he's an alien.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:51, Reply)

He's a flid

(TheColonel, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:52, Reply)

Extra-terrestrial

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)

You win.

(TheColonel, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:57, Reply)

What does E.T. stand for?
Because he doesn't have a chair
(TheColonel, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:01, Reply)

no knees

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:31, Reply)

He bought them as he is his Dad?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:49, Reply)

cause he can feel his presents!!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:50, Reply)

because he's a ballroom dancing, inbred, homo twat.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)

if someone offers you a cocker spaniel
always take the spaniel

told this the other day by someone. may have come from sickipedia
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:52, Reply)

Do you like Dickens?
I've never been to one.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)

do you like fishsticks?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:54, Reply)

Nah, i'm not Kanye West

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:58, Reply)

did you hear about those two guys they caught in [place} the other day
one was snorting the insides of fireworks and the other was drinking battery acid.

Police have charged one and let the other off.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)

*steals*

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:20, Reply)

What's white and black and red all over?
Me and my sister.




She's black, I'm white and we've been in the sun. Geddit eh!
( girlinthehole, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:53, Reply)

Hola Blousie!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Hola Jeff!
Como estas?
( girlinthehole, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:57, Reply)

*Waves castanets around like a mong*
You having a nice time?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:59, Reply)

Fabulous darling!
My sis drove us up to mount Teide yesterday and then in the evening we had a delicious meal and then sat in a bar drinking Rose and listening to a Spanish girl murdering English songs.
( girlinthehole, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Lovely.
Was the wedding fun?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)

One of the best I've been to from start to finish, if you ignore the fact I nearly burnt to death.
We were sat at Aber's table at the reception. Woo!!!
( girlinthehole, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:13, Reply)

Was it not a bit too spanish for you?
Or do you have mad language skills now?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:16, Reply)

I'm off. My sister's internet connection is dodgy to say the least.
Back at work on Wednesday. See you all then.
( girlinthehole, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:17, Reply)

What do you call a ginger goth?
Duracell.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:54, Reply)

That Slade joke that Monty likes.
Awful.
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Kipper tie?

(TheColonel, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:58, Reply)

*Awful*

( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:01, Reply)

You cheeky cunt, that's hilarious.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

If by "hilarious"
you mean "worst joke in the history of dad-jokes", then we can agree. If not, then I'm afraid it's pistols at dawn.
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:09, Reply)

Brilliant.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)

I was down the pub the other day and this guy said "C'mon, let's form a 90s music band", I said 'no', he said 'yes', I said 'why', he told me why, eventually I was 'suede.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:16, Reply)

I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then."
I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa." I said "Moo." He said "You're closest."
Tommy Cooper or Tim Vine, folks? Write your name and address on your postcode and send it to b3ta.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:25, Reply)

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
A Tyrannosaurus wrecks
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 15:56, Reply)

You wanna know the worst joke?
This bloody government - right kids?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:04, Reply)

*Cheers for Ben.*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:06, Reply)

I heard Nick Clegg on the radio this morning
and he made a valid point about the tuition fees thing and the Lib Dem's other pledges. They didn't win the election, they came 3rd. They are lucky to have any influence.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:07, Reply)

He didn't make a valid point at all
If you are elected on a mandate to not increase tuition fees, then you ought to make sure the terms of your coalition are that you are not forced to vote for something which you had already signed a pledge against.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:17, Reply)

he wasn't elected though
so it is a valid point

edit: having just read the wording of the pledge, the above is irrelevant. I retract my statement.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:25, Reply)

There's the problem - "if you are elected"
We may just be splitting hairs over a technicality here, but they weren't elected.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:26, Reply)

He was elected as an MP
He stood on a mandate of not increasing tuition fees.

There is no technicality here. He has formed a coalition government with another party and at the very least he should have insisted that no Lib-Dem MP would have to vote for the increase.

His party is literally getting nothing at all from the coalition with the Tories, everything the Lib-Dem mainfesto included is being ignored in favour of what will satisfy the Tories.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:30, Reply)

that's not entirely true
there are a few token things that the Tories have thrown to them to appease them slightly.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:33, Reply)

The ones he chooses to mention as ideas where they got their way are
Getting a better deal on tuition fees than would otherwise have happened, control orders and the AV referendum. All three of these points are, for want of a better phrase, fucking shit.

Stupid cunt gets me even angrier than listening to that retard Osbourne talk about finance as if he has some sort of clue.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:37, Reply)

he sounded so defensive on the radio it was funny
can you imagine how shit it must be to be him at the moment?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:38, Reply)

Everyone hates his guts.
He is a total cunt but no more of one than anyone else in politics.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:57, Reply)

You can't help but think he could be throwing his weight around a bit more
Although it's not clear how much weight he/they have to throw around.

I think the aspect I like least about this is that whenever the government announces something unpopular, it's Clegg that gets it in the neck. Cameron et al don't seem to get hauled over the coals for it, even though it was most likely their decision in the first place.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:38, Reply)

I can't help but feel that they are still doing a much better job than Labour could do
I have no faith in the Milliband at all
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:40, Reply)

I would have thought the best thing Labour could do right now
would be to distance themselves as much as possible from Blair-era Labour in terms of views and policies. But what are the chances of that actually happening?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:46, Reply)

That or kill themselves.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:51, Reply)

Now there's a nice thought...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:54, Reply)

Well, if the Lib Dems don't agree
the Tories don't get to pass legislation. That's how much weight they have.
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:47, Reply)

That is actually a valid point.
I still don't care, though.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:18, Reply)

As above
no it's not
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:19, Reply)

Just because
YOU WENT ON ABOUT HOW GREAT HE WAS, WHEN IN FACT HE WAS JUST ANOTHER CUNT AND YOU FEEL A BIT STUPID AND NOW YOU'VE TAKEN DOWN YOUR NICK CLEGG POSTER IN DISGUST.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:22, Reply)

I do feel stupid, I was totally taken in
but he still didn't have a valid point.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:22, Reply)

did you take down your Nick Clegg poster?
I've taken down my Michael Gove one :(
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:26, Reply)

And yet my Hitler one is still on the ceiling above my bed.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:40, Reply)

You're like early Ben Elton

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:08, Reply)

Monty in case you don't get it, I'm calling you a cunt.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:16, Reply)

A lisping unfunny cunt at that

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:18, Reply)

One of the least funny people to have ever been born.
The only time Ben Elton has ever amused me was when he finally ditched the 'little bit of politics there' stance and got into bed with Andrew Lloyd Webber.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:19, Reply)

Who likes Abba or something

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:19, Reply)

My best/ worst gag needs to be delivered in person as it depends entirely on my hilarious impression of Stephen Hawking
So, in its absence, I give you:

How do Welsh people eat cheese?

Caerphilly.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:53, Reply)

What cheese would you use to disguise a horse?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:57, Reply)

Marscapone

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:58, Reply)

What cheese can entice a bear from a tree?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:58, Reply)

*head in hands* For fucks sake, I can't believe I got this immediately...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:01, Reply)

it's a well known joke
and it's not exactly hard to figure out even if you didn't know it.#

don't be so melodramatic
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:09, Reply)

why can't stephen hawking jump?
because he's white
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:57, Reply)

White men can't jump...
...but black men can't climb corporate ladders.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:59, Reply)

A bear goes into a pub and says 'can I have a...
...pint of bitter please.'

At which point, the barman runs screaming from the pub as he is either in the middle of serious psychotic episode, or is face to face with a vicious predator and is about to get mauled.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:02, Reply)

My new cartridges have finally arrived.
For the first time in six months I'll have fully functioning decks at my house and I've promised to go out - and tomorrow I am looking after my kid. I feel tormented. So close...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:18, Reply)

are they Ortofon?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:32, Reply)

I swear we've had this recently.
I am so blissful [with the result that] I do not give a fuck about anything.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:53, Reply)

Why the fuck are you happy?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:57, Reply)

I now only have one essay to do and plenty of time to do it in.
I'm not exactly happy, I think I'm still smacked off adrenaline.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 16:58, Reply)

Thank fuck for that I'd have have to check the moon hadn't fallen out of the sky
if you were on here without moaning.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:00, Reply)

Love you too.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:02, Reply)

**Mwah**
You coming to the oxford bash?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:05, Reply)

You can breathe a sigh of relief- unless it moves date I'll be at a wedding.
Not mine. Obviously.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:09, Reply)

Nah I'd like to see you,
I just have to keep out of striking distance.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:11, Reply)

I'm happy too!
Just been informed I've got 26th-28th April off! Woohoo!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:02, Reply)

One I told to a graphics class:
GAramond and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

The barman glares at them, saying "I don't serve your type in 'ere"
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:07, Reply)

Did they then pelt you with their own faeces?
They should have.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:20, Reply)

there was a long silence
then I explained it to them. Then I killed them all with fire
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 17:21, Reply)