Good morning, you dismal arsebandits.
I got pissed right up and made a Thai curry so bastard hot it was inedible yesterday, but rather than bin it I am daring myself to have it for lunch. Nommy nom nom. This could lead to my Valentine's day dinner out being interspersed with gastric agony.

Should I gamble? We're going for Argentine steaks tonight so deliberately sabotaging it is perhaps idiocy in the extreme, but I like to live dangerously.

Anyone doing anything 'special' tonight or are you 'special' all the time so it's hard to tell the difference?

Alt: kiss my musky arse.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:05, 122 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

No, I'm doing nothing at all because I need a bit of down time from a hectic weekend.
No, no other reason. Not at all.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:08, Reply)

: (
Nobody wuvs me Monty.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:08, Reply)

*loves*

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:08, Reply)

This is a massive lie.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:10, Reply)

I thoroughly agree.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Let me elaborate.
Nobody wuvs me in that special way that needs the sheets cleaning.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Rachelswipe has a story about that
Not really my thing, but if that's what does it for you...
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:38, Reply)

I don't really want to kiss your arse, musky or not.
If you couldnt eat it last night, I doubt you'll manage for lunch. Play it safe and love your steak.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:08, Reply)

I'm special all the time, bro.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:08, Reply)

Actually is it some kind of special day or something today?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:13, Reply)

It's that special day when all thoughts turn to one thing...........................................................anal.

( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:14, Reply)

yeah it's the day that cupids attack people with bows and arrows.

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Those pesky fucking cupids.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:15, Reply)

I know, what cunts.

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Eat the curry, you massive poofter
I went and saw the folks yesterday and Dad cooked five Thai dishes, rice and a soup. It was all absolutely delicious.

No, I'm not doing anything special tonight, it's just a Monday.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Yes, for all you sad lonely people with no-one special in your lives, it is "just a monday"
but for those of us who aren't social spastics, it's a chance to express our love for our significant others.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:14, Reply)

It's that special day when all thoughts turn to one thing...........................................................anal.

( Big-girl's-blouse is beautiful and Jeff Bridges totally would, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:14, Delete, Edit, Reply, I like this!)
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:15, Reply)

I like your thinking.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:17, Reply)

You should express your love for your significant others every day
You shouldn't need Hallmark/Clintons to tell you to do it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Totally this!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:20, Reply)

I agree in an ideal world
in a real world not many people do that, and thus a day where they can put a bit of effort into showing they feel something is quite nice*

*please note the author of this drivel has been single for quite some time, and when not single is still an unfeeling cunt
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:23, Reply)

I cook dinner for her most days
and tell her I love her at least once a day.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:25, Reply)

Good
Because she's better than you, y'know.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:26, Reply)

'I like this'
you massive softy. Emphasis on the massive obviously.

It'd be nicer to have a random Valentine's day once a year, than a set day
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:26, Reply)

Stop using lidocaine gel as lubricant

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:27, Reply)

Oh man I love this conversation
that happens every fucking year.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Without fail
Or rather it's certain, but full of fail.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:25, Reply)

unless of course
your significant other is a social spastic like mine who has not even been arsed to text me today to wish me luck in my interview!And I wont be seeing him later either...he is far too busy apparently.
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 12:30, Reply)

Getting wankered with single friends
Should be alright
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Eat some chocolate after the curry
it'll calm down the heat.

Tonight I'll be sitting in alone at home I'm looking forward to it.

psychochomps weekend recomendations: Ben Folds and Nick Hornby's new album is excellent. Also Minecraft is an excellent game. Also David Attenbourough is on radio 4 at the moment.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Nick 'utterly shit author' Hornby, or some poor cunt with the same name?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Yep him.
It's really great, you'll hate it.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Someone suggested I read 'High Fidelity'.
I did this. I cringed so hard reading it, it's amazing I wasn't hospitalised. It was so, so bent.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:16, Reply)

I liked it, but then I didn't relate to any of the characters.
That must have been hard for you.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Don't gamble with ruin Monty
enjoy your dinner out and save the Thai curry for breakfast tomorrow if it'll last that long.

I'm going to an (jokingly) Anti-Valentine's Day party, which should be fun

Alt: no thanks
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:11, Reply)

This is top advice
You are going to need something to make you shit after the roughage free argentine meat.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:17, Reply)

I've been invited to one o those
but all the "OMG VALENTINE'S IS SO SHIT" annoy me almost as much as the couples.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Nah it's not like that
I'm not one of the hate V-day brigade just because I'm single. But it struck us as amusing and if it's anything like the last two I've been to / helped organise, then we'll have massive dramalolz towards the end when the drunk couple people who've split up turn up.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Are you going to the Gaucho Grill?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:12, Reply)

I am going to Buen Ayre on Broadway Market.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:13, Reply)

I note you will be spiritually sharing with not only Fabio Capello and Carlos Tevez
but also with Vigo Mortesson and Keira Knightley.

Go you!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Go nads!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Go norrhea

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:18, Reply)

In other news
I saw an advert for the new 'one-trick cunts from Spaced' film: it read 'Pure Pegg & Frost...very, very funny'.

Well, which is it? The former or the latter - it certainly can't be both.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Oh Monty, your brutally barbed wit astounds me
I really don't know how you keep coming up with these spectacular put downs.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:17, Reply)

I amaze myself.
I'm like an unpaid, unpopular Charlie Brooker.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Whilst I am quite a fan of Pegg & Frost
my advice whilst reading any newspaper clipping attached to a film poster would be to check which paper it comes from. Chances are you think the writer is a twat.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Usually Paul Ross.
For twenty quid he'll claim literally any film is the new Citizen Kane.

'Ice Age 9 - easily the best film of all time'
Paul Ross, News of the World
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:18, Reply)

I have it on good authority from my Dad that Paul Ross is an absolutely lovely bloke
but as a presenter and journalist he stinks to high heaven. Although he does possess a deep admiration for Oliver Reed, a man with whom it could be said you share certain traits.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:20, Reply)

I reckon that's bollocks
if he was actually "an absolutely lovely bloke" he wouldn't constantly sell his worthless opinion. The fact that he does is what makes him a cunt. Regardless of whether or not he remembers your dads birthday.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:22, Reply)

No, THAT's bollocks
because I have it on authority that you're a lvoely bloke, and yet you constantly give your worthless opinion away for free. If you were offered money for it you'd do exactly what he does.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:29, Reply)

In order to have journalistic credability you need integrity
Being a cockhound for every fiver on offer doesn't help you with that.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:36, Reply)

I actually agree with you wholeheartedly
However I don't think Paul Ross' employers consider integrity or credibility to be especially important characteristics in their staff
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:45, Reply)

nUS ov De wURld

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:02, Reply)

With that spelling you could work for them
However I believe you probably put more effort into that than they're prepared to reward
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:04, Reply)

www.amazon.co.uk/Canvas-Print-PAUL-ROSS-MirrorPrintStore/dp/B001N6W8U0
(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:21, Reply)

What Do Customers Ultimately Buy After Viewing This Item?
16% buy
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:23, Reply)

Marvellous
Next time I'm going to buy something from Amazon, I must stop and think of a good page to visit first.

somethinganal porn
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:52, Reply)

I really, really want one of those.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Smaller version
for £9
www.amazon.co.uk/Photographic-Print-PRESENTER-Mirror-Photos/dp/B001NQQNKQ/ref=pd_sim_sbs_kh_1
I think that's a moving in present for my mate.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:26, Reply)

My mind is truly boggling.
What a downright odd artifact.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Man up and have the curry for breakfast
That way the anal discharge and tastebud-sabotaging mouth-burn should have passed by the evening.

I was romantic as hell last week to celebrate our anniversary, Ms Foxtrot will not be expecting any deviation from my usual bastardry this evening. She knows to expect a rough ride of the treat 'em mean etc variety for the rest of the year.

Was that convincing? Go on, be honest
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Hahaha!
Needs more grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Noted
*calls Tony the Tiger*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:19, Reply)

I managed to double V the missus last night
when she sarcastically asked where we were going for our Valentine's Day meal, expecting nowhere to be the answer. I informed her whilst waving the V's that we are off to the hotel we got married in at 8pm. I smell victory (and not musky arse)

Go with the curry, you big wavey haired nonce!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:24, Reply)

I expected 'double V the missus' to be a sexual position.

( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:29, Reply)

This^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:29, Reply)

It's a type of fingering surely?
Either you insert two lots of two fingers and then gently open her up, or you have both index fingers in her vadge and both middle fingers up her bum.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:30, Reply)

The shocker!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Or you set two ultra-fertile midgets on your missus

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:33, Reply)

You would end up with twins.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:34, Reply)

And that's just you
Your missus would have a litter.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:34, Reply)

V +fist
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:29, Reply)

*waves with now soggy hands*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:30, Reply)

Ewwwwwww
Also; well played sir, enjoy your evening of grateful coitus
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:31, Reply)

I know it's not links
But this is for Monty.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:31, Reply)

Hahahahah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:35, Reply)

genius
"He added in his normal voice: "I'm not imitating black people, I'm imitating black people portrayed as rodents, so it's not racist."
(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:35, Reply)

Sadly I bled to death last night
So general haunting is on the cards this week, then Oxford Haunting at the weekend
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:40, Reply)

I'll make sure the Ghost-Tour man
includes you on the ghost tour
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:41, Reply)

You get an ouch from me for the pic
My ex did that on her ankle and scarred it permanently. Take your time shaving you ladies!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:42, Reply)

I was taking my time!

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:54, Reply)

I cringe when Mrs Cow is shaving her legs
as she rips the razor up them far too quick. If I shaved my face like that I'd look like I'd been eating a shotgun
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Raol Moat Lolz!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:08, Reply)

i usually have everything waxed to avoid this
but just wanted to touch them up at the sanctuary spa last weekend. told my friend to go ahead, i'd be with her in a minute. whipped into the shower.

30 mins later, i was still sitting around the changing rooms waiting for my shin to stop bleeding AND my toe where i had dropped the razor in shock after cutting my shin and it landed blade down on my toe..... stupid sharp blades. my friend was Unimpressed.

/internet sympathy.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:04, Reply)

I saw the wound.
Shocking!!!
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:42, Reply)

I hope you have a good time in Oxford
I will think of you all sleeping on Amberl's floor while I recline in my luxury hotel bed, having just been to the Eden Project.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:44, Reply)

Wooks and TGB have a hotel

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Of their own?
It can't be doing that well, she's always complaining about being skint.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:55, Reply)

Hotel AWESOME

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:20, Reply)

Just saw the pic, looks sore!
Poor Badger, I'll put flowers on your grave. What type would you like?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Elastoplast Lillies

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:49, Reply)

WOW! That must have smarted.
Considering the damage I reckon it's time to MTFU and get an epilator.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:52, Reply)

I have one... I just don't have anywhere to charge it as there's no shaving socket in our bathroom

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:54, Reply)

If only you could get a converter for a normal 3 pin plug
For a few quid from B&Q, Robert Dyer, or even Argos.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:55, Reply)

pft I'm a girl I don't know about such things

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Don't give me that
You're a girl with mechanic skillz.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Actually I used to have one
But it got lost in my many movings.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:20, Reply)

many movings cavernous minge
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:23, Reply)

Hey it's cheaper than hiring a van

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Emo.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:52, Reply)

At least she got the 'Down, not across' thing right

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:53, Reply)

I wrote your name with my blood Noel
So now you belong to me and if you say mean thinsg I'll voodoo you
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:55, Reply)

CUNTARGH$%!£$%

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Don't know about tonight but I gave my wife a good licking this morning.
Luckily I remembered to use the small switch (no thicker than my thumb)as a special treat.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Doesn't get....thinks......understands......giggles

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:52, Reply)

best valentines day for a long time
beautiful flowers at work have made me unbearably smug, plus 3 cards and i genuinely have absolutely no idea (yet!) who the flowers or one of the cards are from...

i should have hit the gym like this a few years ago, it seems to have revolutionised my love life!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 9:58, Reply)

I sincerely hope from the bottom of my heart
that the interest you are receiving is unrelated to your exercise regime (excepting, perhaps, the positive effect it may have had on your own self-confidence) - otherwise if the people showing an interest are only doing so because you've been to gym, they are shallow, pathetic cunts who are not worthy of your attention.

PS glad you liked the flowers, I spent ages picking them
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:05, Reply)

this is why i wish the whole world was peopled with men like you!
if i knew how to bookmark something, i would do...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:09, Reply)

*nods sagely at Monty*
This in spades!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:14, Reply)

ok this makes 2 of you
how many men are there in the world, 8bn? 2 down, 7,999,999,998 to go?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:14, Reply)

^this

( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:16, Reply)

And we are both taken
/sadfaces

What Monty said should be printed on some kind of instruction guide that is given to women as I've heard this kind of thing too many times.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:17, Reply)

Oh come on Swipey
I realise you're only a solicitor, but surely you must know there are only about 6 and a bit billion people on the planet and half of them have vaginas.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:21, Reply)

i have zero idea about geography
but i can tell you that there were more than 6bn people on the district line alone this morning. all of them right up in my face.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Couldn't agree more!
She should be happy, you spent a good few hours reading the local newspapers for fatal road traffic accidents so you could get those flowers. I especially like how you hammered the top of that wreath in to look like a heart.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:15, Reply)

they're from you really
aren't they?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:18, Reply)

If they're lovely, then yes they are

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:20, Reply)

I shifted a bit of weight last year
and it did fucking wonders for my self-esteem. Keep up the good work swipe, you'll be knee-deep in cock before you know it.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:31, Reply)

All I got from hitting the gym was Linford Christie's legs.

( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:07, Reply)

sorry Blousie
legs great big cock in me

Never mind, eh. Today Linford Christie, tomorrow... AKABUSI
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:09, Reply)

my calves are also a bit too toned these days
but how the hell are you supposed to work out without exercising your calves, it's impossible!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I have to say 'skittle legs' don't really 'do it' for me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:12, Reply)

they do not look like skittles!
see my profile pic for confirmation. i'd just like them to be a tiny bit less toned when i walk in heels...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:14, Reply)

It's only women that come out with that sort of shit
"Oh, I wish I could exercise and tone just THESE bits, without these OTHER bits getting toned, I don't want THOSE bits toned"

It's utter bollocks. Your calves are not too toned, they are just normal calves.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:15, Reply)

^this
There is no such thing as too toned a calf, to my mind, unless you're actually a female bodybuilder
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:17, Reply)

they are a bit
when i walk in heels, you can see a line. a LINE.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:17, Reply)

That's NORMAL
It's called having a functional leg, unless you are injecting steroids and doing concentrated calve lifts using twice your body weight it is physically impossible for a woman to end up with a grossly distended muscle.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:20, Reply)

hmmmm
i am told that pilates will stretch them and slim the muscle down. i would look into it, but frankly there are so many more worrying bits that aren't toned at all, i should really focus on those first!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:22, Reply)

*gives up and wanders off*

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:26, Reply)

hoorah!
it's taken me about 5 years to get you to leave the internet!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:27, Reply)

Cheque's in the post.
We got there in the end.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:34, Reply)

That's a GOOD THING
*facepalm*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:20, Reply)

I wish I could tone THIS bit
*points at your face*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:18, Reply)

I bet you wish you could tone this bit *points at chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
And this bit *points at other chin*
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:20, Reply)

You missed the seventeen other chins
Does that mean you like those as they are?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:22, Reply)

Sorry to butt in here
but have you read that 'Crécy' graphic novel? I read about it in the paper today wand was rather interested.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:24, Reply)

No, but it's on my list
It's by Warren Ellis, who's one of my favourite writers.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:25, Reply)

I was impressed
when he said he did six months of research before writing it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:28, Reply)

It's only £3.67 on amazon.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Your face is only £3.67 on amazon.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Your mum was £0.01 on amazon (plus £1.28 P&P)

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:34, Reply)

your mum was collection only
because she's so fucking fat no courier would take her
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:37, Reply)

If you get the chance, read the Transmetropolitan series
It's by the same guy and is very entertaining.
I'll pick up Crécy soon and let you know what I think of it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Marvellous.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Who's wand?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:26, Reply)

Do you really have the nerve to pick me up on a typo?
You?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:27, Reply)

Yes

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:29, Reply)

I bet you were glessing all over the show.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:32, Reply)

No I just enjoy pointing out
even the great Monzo is wrong sometimes. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Ok, you're right I'm GLESSING. GLESSING HARD
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Nah he just doesn't want to depress you

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:26, Reply)

If by special
You mean watching the derby game in 3D with two Chelsea fans and then going to a tremendous club in town to take horse tranquilliser afterwards, then yes. Yes I am.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:02, Reply)

How tremendously romantic!
Fulham and Chelsea threesome
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Not just for the sake of your romantic evening,
but I hope you stuff them.

Chelsea. Not their fans.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Hopefully we'll be doing both.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:41, Reply)

On the subject of Valentine's Day
I've just had an instant messenger catch-up with a colleague, which ended with a glorious non sequitur too funny to not violate privacy to reproduce;

"then I had to go for dinner at my grandads with an achey fanny"

I for one am massively, massively aroused
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:08, Reply)

I find out if I'm being made redundant today
and tonight I get to spend Valentine's evening by myself. In Dorset. Fucking great
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:09, Reply)

*packs bags*
They call me the cavalry
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I'm pretty sure that's not what they call you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:15, Reply)

The Browntown Cavalry
I'm not sure this will cheer Vipros up really
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:16, Reply)

This has made me guffaw at my desk. Just thought you should know.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:22, Reply)

*trigger finger*

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:28, Reply)

When he cums on a horse to visit they do

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:18, Reply)

You people disgust me

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:20, Reply)

gust cussed

that is correct, and we concluded that you are in fact the proto-bender
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Best of luck dude
I'm sure you won't need it though.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:13, Reply)

thanks bro
last week while in Guernsey I impressed the hell out of someone way high up in the company, which can only have helped.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Were they impressed that you had massive balls to walk around with a ludicrous haircut?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:28, Reply)

you are the only person who thinks that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Aw! that's not nice.
Good luck!
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:14, Reply)

That's fucking lame, old boy.
Unlucky.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:15, Reply)

Just pretend you're married already and don't even phone her.
She'll get used to it quicker that way.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 14 Feb 2011, 11:38, Reply)

Mondays can fuck off
today, doubly, possibly even trebly so. I have not had sufficient sleep, Edinburgh still haven't got back to me, I despise McHallmark day even when I am in a relationship and I resent being made to feel like a failure for being single. (that said, I would probably be quite excited if, when I got home, I discovered I'd received a card and it wasn't from my Mum trying to make me feel better)
(berk, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:09, Reply)

We used to send them to my little sis.
The guys at work used to sign them so she wouldn't recognize the handwriting.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:14, Reply)

I'm pretty sure the only anonymous valentine I've ever received
was from my mum. I was 14.
(berk, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:17, Reply)

mum step-brother
Fuck off, bert's step-sister!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:23, Reply)

My stepbrother and I do not get on
I'd rather solder my hoo-haa shut, quite frankly.
(berk, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Your step brother seems quite funny
I often laugh when he comments on your facebook status as if he was a really close friend. I imagine you facepalming mightily when he does.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:29, Reply)

There are not enough palms or faces in all the world
to describe just how mightily I facepalm, yes. He's a fucking cretin and I cannot abide him.
(berk, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:32, Reply)

You do not get on
but do you get IT on, eh? EH???
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:29, Reply)

Spitefucking is awesome

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:33, Reply)

I agree - my dad didn't though.
Apparently I 'ruined Christmas dinner'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:35, Reply)

I got one from my mum to cheer me up
when I was about fourteen I knew instantly it was from my mum because the 'disguised' handwriting was exactly the same as the one she used from the Easter Bunny. It was nice to know that my mother thought the chances of someone being interested in me, were exactly as probable as the existence of the Easter Bunny
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:29, Reply)

Ouch, I'm sure that's not what she meant at all!

(berk, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:31, Reply)

It meant that the Easter Bunny has the hots for you
And by 'Easter Bunny' I'm picturing the Cadbury's Caramel Bunny.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:34, Reply)

I have to say, the though of Amberl getting it on with a huge seductive rabbit
is both distressing and totally not sexy.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Then why do you have an erection?
I can smell it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:41, Reply)

I've got an ear infection. It hurts.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:11, Reply)

ear infections suck
by far the best thing for it I found is to get stoned.

It was literally the only thing I found that offered any decent amount of pain relief
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:12, Reply)

In Turdd's case I would recommend he doesn't then
only so he is in as much pain as possible. The thought of it cheers me right up.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:23, Reply)

There's normally a loss of balance with that, so he'll be smashing his head on shelving and doors and such like
falling over on pavements, that sort of thing.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:30, Reply)

This has put a fucking huge grin on my face

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:35, Reply)

He might walk out in front of a car if we're really lucky.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:38, Reply)

/offtopics very first casualty
Everyone will weep and bear commemorative icons, or possibly not. Still the general public will be safer from his drunk driving antics.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Being a terrible degenerate gambler
With some of the terrible degenerate (and co-incidentally single) gambler friends.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 10:34, Reply)

No
I shall be getting a heavy dose of Colin Firth and a big roast dinner with a female friend who has recently been dumped. I am doing this because my boyfriend is extremely insensitive,unromantic and a bit of an emotional fucktard.Very unhappy and miserable even though I have told him it's only one day a year he should be nice to me and more importantly as he was away for xmas (leaving me on my own) and New Years Eve and didn't even manage to book a day off for my birthday.
**joins zoosk**
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 12:38, Reply)