Ha!
I'm off to Lancaster on Thursday and I'm looking for advice on how to blend in wi' t' lorcals.

I've bought some clogs and I'll blacken my face with coal dust on the train on the way up - but I need more TIPS please. My experience of the north is limited to visiting castles and Hadrian's Wall etc as a child, so this is a bit of a leap in the dark for me. I'm already fucking broke so there's a tick in the 'impoverished' box already. I'll also secrete some sachets of Bisto in my cuffs, so I can colour my beer and not look like a Southern Shandy Drinker. But what else do I need to know?

Alt: how are you making the most of our 'bank holiday season'?
Alt alt: is your employer giving you Royal Wedding off and are they paying you/not paying you for the day?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:25, 225 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

*hastily deletes slightly more cheery thread*
Morning that man. How's your shit?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:27, Reply)

Am I just hungry or does Bisto in lager sound quite appetising?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:28, Reply)

You are a disgusting human being.
Although recently I had for the first time a great Mexican drink that was like a Bloody Mary but with beer. It was fantastic.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:30, Reply)

I really am.
Sometimes I even put MILK in TEA! *shudders*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:34, Reply)

Wait a minute.....I DO THAT TOO!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:34, Reply)

God, you cunt.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:35, Reply)

No, YOU cunt.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:37, Reply)

alt answer:
Don't blame God, Noel - this is all your doing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:38, Reply)

This, for later.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXThbqU0dw4
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:41, Reply)

I shall try and remember to watch that -he's rather funny, I believe.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:43, Reply)

Lab recommended him, he could totally be a b3tan.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:48, Reply)

Oh.
I've gone off him now.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:48, Reply)

Fuck you

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:09, Reply)

It was the 'could be a B3ta'n bit that was my problem.
Keep your hai...actually, in your case, don't.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:10, Reply)

It's towards the 'fucking shit' end of 'shit', thanks awfully. You?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:29, Reply)

Oh fucking ace mate, sorry.
The sun is shining, I've got DIY to do this evening, might pop out and sit near a badger sett again tonight. I hope your day edges closer towards Type 4 on the Bristol Stool Scale.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:31, Reply)

Good work.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:32, Reply)

As I work in Lancaster
The best advice I can give is to always ensure you monocle is correctly inserted in the left eye... local custom.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:27, Reply)

I'd heard this - thanks Bonz.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:31, Reply)

The difference between a greyhound and a whippet.
Also, become an authority on meat pies. You don't want to blow your cover when you're in a chippy.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:30, Reply)

I don't want to 'do a Mandelson' (in so many ways)
by mistaking 'mooshy peas' for 'guacamole'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:31, Reply)

Ew, I can't imagine expecting the tangy fresh latter and getting the savoury, dark former.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:35, Reply)

Atta boy
The North is strong in this one. Next thing you know you'll be signing on like a pro.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:36, Reply)

All I need is some counterfeit trackwear and I'll be welcomed like one of their own.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:41, Reply)

Be nice to people.
We are very friendly up here.

I shall be spending most of the weekend with DG and Tourettes, so I win the internet.
( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:33, Reply)

That's a step too far. Haven't you got any tips I can actually use?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:33, Reply)

Ok well then just let Lusty do all the talking.
You just stand by her and look handsome.
( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:36, Reply)

CAN DO, CHEERS.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:39, Reply)

What about rugged? Should I look rugged too?
Or is that taking the piss somewhat?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:43, Reply)

Rugged would be good.
The less of a southern pansy you look, the better to be honest.
( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:45, Reply)

Nay problemo, pal.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:48, Reply)

What's in Lancaster that has you breaking your never further north than the Watford Gap rule?

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:45, Reply)

Some people I don't know very well are putting us up for a day or two.
They're very nice, from what I can gather.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:45, Reply)

I suspect you may have a very nice time : )

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:50, Reply)

If I don't, I'm gonna be crackin' skulls, yo.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:59, Reply)

Lancaster is full of students, hipster indie kids and music snobs. you'll fit right in.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:47, Reply)

I am an indie-loving student, you're right.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:48, Reply)

There is also a fair smattering
of smack heads... if you get your Attenborough shirt on and hide in the undergrowth of the town hall you can observe them in their wild habitat
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:52, Reply)

I may bring my elephant rifle and try and bag one.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:55, Reply)

So you can take his stash?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:01, Reply)

I have no interest in heroin.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Lightweight
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:05, Reply)

That's me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:07, Reply)

But with a series of cunning trades
you could soon end up with a terraced house,
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:08, Reply)

I could use them as stables, I suppose.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:09, Reply)

You're a huge music snob, they go hand in hand.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:01, Reply)

THATS THE...oh never mind.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:07, Reply)

You can't explain a joke like chompy...*wistful sigh*
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:12, Reply)

I think they still believe in the greek mythology, so if you see a bottle of water in WH Smiths or whatever, go "PSIODON ! WHY DO YOU MOCK ME WITH PLASTIC AND QUEUES? MAN SHOULD NOT QUEUE FOR WATER ALONE !"
And when you see some flame, such as from a light, go "By Haydie's might, I _shall_ cross the styx".

Randomly point to clouds and go "ZUSE ! HEAR ME ! I WORSHIP NO FALSE GODS".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:51, Reply)

That's excellent news as I do this all the time anyway.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:55, Reply)

I saw "Clash of the Titans" over the weekend, first forest film without aliens that I enjoyed. Even had desert bits that I liked.
I reckon you'd like that one, lots of pegasui and stuff.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:56, Reply)

I'm glad you didn't see Terrible Horse Porn 17: UNSTABLE
else that post would have been quite different.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:57, Reply)

Al didn't lend it to you as well, did he?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:58, Reply)

I wouldn't "borrow" it from al if he paid me a year's supply of Lindor.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:00, Reply)

If Al had a year's supply of Lindor the only place it would heading for would be his lardy guts.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Was this the modern remake or the 70s classic?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 8:57, Reply)

Modern remake
Much better, most of the time, unless they decide to do Labyinth.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:03, Reply)

or The Wicker Man.
Or The Italian Job.

Or etc etc
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:07, Reply)

as a massive fan of the original Clash of the Titans
I actually really quite enjoyed the remake
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:18, Reply)

The remake was bloody awful, fact

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:24, Reply)

you are wrong
Monty would probably hate it, but it's not bad at all
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:28, Reply)

I quite liked the remake of Jason and the Argonaughts

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:29, Reply)

I haven't seen that
when was it made?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:32, Reply)

2003 maybe?
Oh 2000 www.imdb.com/title/tt0217579/ a solid 5.3 there. It wasn;t as good as teh original
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Boddingtons.
Drink this, eat chips and mushy peas, you'll fit in very well.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:04, Reply)

I've drunk Boddingtons before - it seemed OK but a little weak.
Perhaps I should hide some cognac miniatures in my socks, and some foie gras.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:05, Reply)

"Twenty pints of Boddingtons, every Friday night".

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:11, Reply)

"Twenty pints of Boddingtons, then it's outside for a fight".

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Helien Mirram just said very loudly "You shit" on BBC Breakfast !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:06, Reply)

SHAMED DAME IN BBC SHITGATE STORM!
"Just this morning potty-mouthed Dame Helen Mirren, or should that be Helen Midden...etc, etc"
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Helen Mirran is fucking brilliant
she used to live on an LSD fuelled hippy free-love commune
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:19, Reply)

I totally would, proper gilf.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:20, Reply)

totally

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:20, Reply)

I was disappointed there wasn't more sauciness from her in R.E.D.

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Same as. 'Til her hips broke ie for about four minutes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:31, Reply)

Till her pelvis was nothing but dust and memories, dust and memories.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Yes I get they day off and yes I am being paid
but they pay me over Christmas when they close the campus too.

I am making the most of it by trying to get some sleep.
( Peej, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:08, Reply)

I get the day off but it comes out of my holiday.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:09, Reply)

That's shit
I get a free day, woop!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:10, Reply)

It's an official bank holiday and shit
surely they have to give it to you, unless you work for some dodgy under the table enterp- never mind.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:20, Reply)

They don't have to pay you for it.
Apparently only two-thirds of UK employers are paying their staff for the day.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:30, Reply)

motherfuckers
my company is dutch, they probably aren't paying us, but haven't told us
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Ah but they give you every Tuesday afternoon off to make schome dirty schex videosch.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:34, Reply)

that is very true

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:38, Reply)

They ship in Dutch Schteve for the pop schot.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Dutch bastards, with their liberals and their right wingers and their drugs and prostitutes
coming over here not paying us for bank holidays and shagging our wives, unbelievable.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:35, Reply)

Needs more bigotry
morning all
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Working the Royal Wedding, and May Day. But only 10 - 4 and I get a whole day off in lieu so it's ok

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Are you a suicide bomber?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:10, Reply)

What? No, you idiot

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Just checking, I work for the MET these days
carry on
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:17, Reply)

I went badger-spotting last night.
I saw no badgers, so I guess it was more like me dressed in black sat in a hedge in the dark.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:15, Reply)

I wondered what that noise outside was

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Not dogging then.
Badgering.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:17, Reply)

It's like dogging
but more grunting
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:22, Reply)

That's a lot of grunting.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:29, Reply)

and TB
That's TB not TGB
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:29, Reply)

So .... it was more of a failed rape, then?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:39, Reply)

not entirely
he managed to take himself by surprise with his left hand
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:45, Reply)

Nothing, you'll be safe
The North is far friendlier than the south, I find.

Alt: I'm planning on relaxing, and that's pretty much it really.
Alt2: Aye, paid holiday!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:20, Reply)

We don't like friendly people in London
try and talk to me on the tube and you get a look back like you pissed on my kids at christmas
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:22, Reply)

and they weren't even on fire!

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:23, Reply)

North London is friendly
South London is stabby
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:24, Reply)

London is not friendly
There are friendly people who live there though
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:25, Reply)

I can assure you that South West London in is no way "stabby" young lady
Anyway, someone I met once got stabbed to DEATH in North London.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:26, Reply)

Probably stabbed by south Londernerererers though

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:27, Reply)

I had a nice collective of the Muswell Hill Massive wave some shanks at me recently whilst attempting to relieve me of my personal possessions
You get shitcunts all over Londinium
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:30, Reply)

Ha you got mugged by North London poofs
Did kate Moss threaten to nipple cripple you?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:31, Reply)

Nah got away with it, needless to say that was their first mistake

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:33, Reply)

I assume you spent the next month exacting Steven Segal levels of revenge

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:34, Reply)

I'm biding my time until the right qotw comes along yo

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:35, Reply)

Partridgelols
that was their first mistake I had the last laugh
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:34, Reply)

I work in Muswell Hill and never had anyone wave shanks at me
I feel left out
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:34, Reply)

Try and walk around at dusk looking as vulnerable as Rory
ensure all of your electronics are on display as well
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:36, Reply)

Dunno hang around the N10 nightclub on a Saturday night, you'll come across the gang starrs from tottenham

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:37, Reply)

Best London club = 'The Ritz' on the Upper Clapton Roundabout (aka 'the murder mile')
At 11pm every Friday and Satruday nights they have a police van and ambulance on standby outside.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:45, Reply)

Don't they have the same 'murder can you help' sign that they just move a couple of hundred yards up or down the road each Sunday morning

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:51, Reply)

i had a personal injury case on when i was a trainee
about a guy who was suing this nightclub because the bouncer punched him and detached his retina. allegedly as i was acting for the nightclub's insurer.

anyway, i had to spend about 3 days watching grainy security tapes trying to find the incident (like the bouncers were going to do it in front of the cameras). and when it came to witness statements, the bouncer gave his full name as "pitbull". and is the only person i've ever met who signed himself with an "X" because he couldn't write.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:08, Reply)

It's a cover
he was really just earning money bouncing to complete his PhD at CalTech.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:13, Reply)

Why would anyone want to go there then?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:53, Reply)

you need to remember gonz
that half of people are of below average intelligence
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Depends on what kind of average, doesn't it? I don't understand the different types in terms of terminology...
... but I can imagine Mighty Badger is running at around 145%, I'm probably at about 95% (on an average day (depending on what kind of average we're talking about)), Monty is still stuck in the mid 80s (let's call it 85%) and .... I don't know where I'm going with this, I just wanted to say Monty is stuck in the 80s.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:04, Reply)

the effort is appreciated

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:07, Reply)

I shall be returning from Centreparcs
that very day. We get it off for free as a paid holiday so that is OK.

This weekend gone my testosterone levels must have peaked. I chopped down about 15 trees with the father-in-law, drank many beers and ate beef.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Sporty and family on the weekend

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Ooo! I love a man in plaid.

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:31, Reply)

Sorry Blousie, I should have been clearer.
Sportscow is second in from the left.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Isn't he pretty.

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:33, Reply)

Damn right!
I am all tanned now too (apart from the dress strap lines)
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:46, Reply)

You're supposed to use an axe, you fool
Fathers-in-law get really blunt after the third or fourth tree.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:40, Reply)

He is a sharp man

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Morning mate
Excellent result at the weekend. I wouldn't worry though, Blackpool seem determined to crash and burn in the most spectacular way possible and Wolves & West Ham are doomed too.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Sunderland
Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory since 1879

Fucking bellends! Still, a cracking weekend was had and I've only got 3 days to work this week
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Who needs football, eh?
Us, that's who. Seriously you'll be fine, I'm not sure if Blackburn might not snatch one of those relegation spots away though.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:54, Reply)

At some point we will win another game
he says "confidently"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:56, Reply)

August isn't that long away

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:59, Reply)

pre-season v York reserves FTW

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:02, Reply)

You might want to have a word with your manager about winning AFTER Christmas too
What's his name? Bernard Cribbins?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Wear a white rose in your lapel and talk at great length about how Geoffrey Boycott is your idol
The Lancastrians will LOVE that.

Alt: Oh, it's going to be rock'n'roll, full-on. There will be visiting of both sets of in-laws, attendance of a celebratory wedding dance, a fair amount of running if the weather's good and... a HAIRCUT.

If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:33, Reply)

If you're a disgusting fatty, then you're taking up to much space

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:39, Reply)

This is why I have to live on the edge
Once I've lost a bit of weight I plan to settle back into the seat and become utterly sedentary
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:41, Reply)

see, I couldn't believe it when Boycott was questioned about beating his wife.
They said he hit her 15 or 16 times. But that would have taken Boycott all day...
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Hahahahaha!
That is brilliant, and it saddens me that no-one else will get it.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:51, Reply)

It's a fucking disgrace, mate.
this country needs more cricket, tea and cake.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:53, Reply)

That should be your sig
That should be ALL of our sigs
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:59, Reply)

I get it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:53, Reply)

He was known to be a very slow batter?
FFS Darth, not exactly Hawking material is it?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:55, Reply)

Given your well-publicised derision for sport
I wasn't sure if you'd even know who Boycs was. My Dad named our first cat after him. Trying to get him to come in at night made me feel like a Russian Olympic athlete
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:00, Reply)

I had a cat called Rioja for a bit
She was pretty difficult to call without sounding a twat. And a high-functioning alcoholic twat at that.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Hahaha oh dear.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:15, Reply)

A northern, wife-beating cunt?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:15, Reply)

Well yes
But none of the above lends itself to knowing what made him famous BEFORE beating his wife... oh sod it, I concede it was a daft thing to say. Now take your pyrrhic victory and BEGONE
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:18, Reply)

steady
he's a Yorkshire, wife-beating cunt. Yorkshire is, essentially, to its denziens, a different country. So the "northern" part is superfluous, unless referring to someone from North Yorkshire, which the charming behatted racist is definitely not.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:23, Reply)

Yorkshire is more a state of mind than a place
A state of mind with clearly defined borders over which its indiginous population are loath to cross, admittedly
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:25, Reply)

I fully await the re-mix of "Wakefield state of mind"


disclaimer - my Dad is from Wakefield.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:29, Reply)

My Dad's from Halifax so I'm allowed to have a pop
You should check out Newport State of Mind on YouTube, it's surprisingly funny
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:34, Reply)

yeah, seen that, it's top notch.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:43, Reply)

In lancaster...
No matter how cold it is you should never wear a jacket when you go out and wear the shortest miniskirt humanly possible.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:34, Reply)

But I only have ballgowns!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:36, Reply)

they call them jockstraps up there

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:37, Reply)

*writes this down*
Cheers!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:42, Reply)

The locals also love to be referred to as
"cont"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:50, Reply)

At least it's not Glossop.
That's about all you can say about the place.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:41, Reply)

Glossop sounds like a euphamism for jizz

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Well NOW it does
You sicken me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:44, Reply)

not as much as glossop would sicken you
it is the most inbred place i've ever seen!

oh no wait, the second.

*remembers stoke*

the third.

sod it, just gimme six.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:48, Reply)

Stoke; for when five fingers just aren't enough

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Stoke
its better than Stone (speaks from experience)
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Now, my post was subtly about being fingered/fisted
i can therefore only assume from your post that you prefer to be fingered/fisted by peopler from Stoke rather than Stone. You big gay.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:52, Reply)

My post was simply about Stoke
You gay-jibe finding shaved monkey
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:54, Reply)

ah but stone
has the best 5 bubble spa in the world. sitting in the outdoor hot tub drinking champagne in the countryside at 9am is a spectacularly great experience.

woo, stone. yay.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Good curry house there actually

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Stoke is an absolute shithole.
On a par with Runcorn. Sodding horrible.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:52, Reply)

I think I can offer a voice of authority on the most inbred places in the UK
Lowestoft is the clear leader, and swaffham a close second. Then Stoke.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:52, Reply)

On the inbreeding subject,
Whitby.
There are only two families here, they've been shagging each other since Roman times.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:55, Reply)

Something like 80% of Finns
can be traced back to two medieval families, this has led to levels of genetic disorder something like ten times the global average.

Fucking Nokia Bert-type freaks.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Ooh, what happened with Bert yesterday?
Did the mods catch him with their large net again?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Who knows?
Maybe his tag went off and he got arrested...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:14, Reply)

I think so, yes.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:15, Reply)

Shame*
*Not a shame

Weird timing though. No sooner had I put Chompy on ignore than another trolling cunt turns up to take his place.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:19, Reply)

I missed most of the fun.
Bloody work and their policy of "We'd actually like you to do some work and not dick around on the internet".

Still, 2 and a half months to go, THEN I'LL SHOW THEM!!!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:22, Reply)

I must have missed this
What happens in two and a half months? Apart from the gig me and Labs are going to, which probably has no bearing on your work firewall?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:31, Reply)

It's these Northern names.
Ramsbottom. WTF?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Man-chest-hair
how gay is that?!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:49, Reply)

hahaha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:49, Reply)

haha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Have a large click. On t'house, like.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:51, Reply)

you forgot
mytholmroyd and mankinholes
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Never heard of Mankinholes.
What old prossies end up with?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Scotland wins
what with having a wee village called "Twathats" just near Lockerbie.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:59, Reply)

ha ha ha ha

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:01, Reply)

That is magnificent. As is

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:01, Reply)

ha, when my dad sold our house in spain
he bought points in that scheme, so we get free holidays every year instead of the spanish place. i've just booked a nice freebie week of lying in the sun in madeira with a friend.

my brother and his family have been to that very farm. the kids failed to get the joke.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:06, Reply)

It's really hard to get good free-range organic bell ends these days, don't you find?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Quite so.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:21, Reply)

This should amuse then...
www.i-r-genius.com/rudeplaces.html
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Speaking as a five year old
That is fucking hilarious and I've sent it to my father and brother who will both agree.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Lord hereford's Knob
I hope it was named after a well endowed member of the aristocracy
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Same to you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:05, Reply)

I live near Ball's Cross. Fact.
Nearby there's a place called Windy Gap and a pub called The Brown Trout.

It's like the area was colonised by the Carry On crew.
( Kroney, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:10, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:13, Reply)

classic
I remember Mianus from Jackass. "So, can you get much meat in Mianus?"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:16, Reply)

"What's the best way to get into Mianus?"
One of my favourite sketches of theirs. Perfect fodder for a group of men with that level of maturity
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:20, Reply)

"oh, man, look over there. There's a big red fire truck parked in Mianus"
I couldn't agree more.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:25, Reply)

Hahaha
*fires up YouTube*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:32, Reply)

You need to inject MDMA directly into your mouth.
I understand they call this technique 'Ee by gum'.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:44, Reply)

Just for that,
my team are going to bore yours into a coma with a display of staggeringly ineffectual passing football on Monday
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:45, Reply)

Are you coming to the game?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Nah mate, too far, can't afford the bus fare
Going to the Scunny game the week after as will be in Nottingham anyway. Your lot have nowt to play for now, right?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Correct. A fact they proved last Saturday
When Ipswich went down to 10 men after 20 minutes and still managed to win.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Excellent news
If you could roll over and let us get our eye in, I'd really appreciate it.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:01, Reply)

I'm not going to roll over and let you
Get your Japs eye in ANYWHERE.

Try asking the same question of Bella.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Have
She said much the same

*sets sights elsewhere*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:07, Reply)

Can't you just be happy you've got a girlfriend?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:08, Reply)

play live
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:55, Reply)

ignore gayboy
I thought that was quite funny
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Sometimes I glad I'm only your internet wife.

( girlinthehole, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:46, Reply)

:(

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:50, Reply)

This made me laugh just enough that you can stay

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Don't talk, don't look anyone in the eye
and try not to dwell on how Grim it is.

Remember to tug on your forelock when you see a lady and never insult a man's whippet. If you can't understand them, don't ask them to repeat themselves, just pretend to be deaf, it's safer.

They respect only strength. The men can come across as intimidating, do not show weakness and give as good as you get. Although as I've said, try to do so without speaking, they don't like the sound of an educated voice.

And for God's sake, don't mention the fact that however soft they reckon we are, we were the only ones to successfully fight off the Vikings, a race renowned for battlefield savagery, whilst they meekly rolled over and interbred.

Long memories, them Northerners.
( Kroney, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:00, Reply)

What is a whippet? I imagine it's something that isn't tangable, like a man's honor or something.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:06, Reply)

It's a sort of inferior greyhound
you can't afford a greyhound if you're on t'durl, you see.
( Kroney, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:07, Reply)

You of all people should know.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:07, Reply)

its a dog that isn't a pug

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:08, Reply)

This is useful stuff, thank you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 10:06, Reply)