Christ alive it's shit on here today.
To compound this terminal dullness, I have two questions of interest to me which are GUARANTEED to be of no interest to you, or to be a springboard for witty conversation.

1. Those 'First Defence' cold preventative medicines: any good or a total waste of money?

2. If I go crying to the mods to get my username back off the wag who nabbed it, am I a cunt for it? Yes, I'm a cunt anyway 'LOL'. Shut up.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:50, 214 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

You massive wag
I bet you've already gone crying to the mods.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:53, Reply)

It's probably fairly bent that
I'm looking forward to the weekend right?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Hugely so.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:55, Reply)

I'll be at the hardman lunch
in a dress.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Good lad.
No-one will beat you up. Definitely not me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:04, Reply)

I'll break a nail
on the dry meat.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:11, Reply)

Your wanking habits are not my concern

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:12, Reply)

They will be if he spoffs into your Madras.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:20, Reply)

I've never bought them, so I've no idea of how effective they are.
And yes, you absolute spanner.

Morning, how are we?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Getting a cold. Hence my first question.
But OK on the whole. You cheered up from yesterday, you miserable emo wanker?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:56, Reply)

Nope, it got worse last night, we got our worst ever score on the pub quiz.
I have decided that today I hate everyone and everything.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:17, Reply)

Isn't it just.
1. I doubt it, you can't actually stop something before it starts, and in the case of a cold once it has all you can do is alleviate the symptoms. I reckon they are for gull able simpletons.

2. Don't really care if you are a cunt, it would be nice to see you get it back, but I'll be amazed if the mods lift a finger to help you.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:54, Reply)

There is nothing realistically the mods can do
if you think about it.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Waste of money - take zinc with whisky and have a curry.

Change your user name to MASSIVE BENDER. You MASSIVE BENDER.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:55, Reply)

....or Battered for short

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:57, Reply)

More succinct than my reply and all the better for it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:59, Reply)

*doffs cap*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:02, Reply)

It's already taken though.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:15, Reply)

You don't mind me using your other username?
That's very kind of you but really, I couldn't - it's synonymous with you - it just wouldn't feel right.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:58, Reply)

It seems fucking slow on here today, like the Sunshine Bus of the internet
1. No, fucking waste of money. Take some Paracetamol and Vit C, drink orange juice and eat a fair amount of veg. You will be right in no time. Go for a wander to get some fresh air (as fresh as London gets anyway)

2. I think they would say that it was no longer your username any more. Do you know who has nabbed it? Gaz them?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Re: 2
Not necessarily so.

A couple of years back there was a day when loads of people had sockpuppets and nicked name accounts deleted, sadly taking with them The Modgazzer General* who was ace.


*was that DJTP? In his 'still funny' days?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Can you not have an underscored version whilst sorting it?

Monty_Boyce - the underscore wouldn't show due to lineage
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I'm now thinking someone will have pinched this version

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:12, Reply)

I have it safe for him
Being as I suggested the same idea by gaz rather than out in the open like a homo. You want it Monty?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:15, Reply)

Worth a gaz then
Though how they they know you were you and not the other you?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:11, Reply)

This is why you should always have a spare account if you're the type who regularly changes your name.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:13, Reply)

I don't change mine

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:13, Reply)

Neither do I.
But several people have learned this fact over the years.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Or do a Gonz
and have names so random you have nothing to loose.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:14, Reply)

And a posting style that we can all identify no matter how much he changes his name

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:21, Reply)

1. I don't know
2. I think Liam Neeson would be a better bet than Phil Daniels

GLAD TO BE OF HELPING!!
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Phil Daniels = cunt

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:12, Reply)

i read this as paul daniels at first
it didn't change the accuracy of your assessment
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Oh bloody hell.
There's Boysters to the left of me, Boysters to the right...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:20, Reply)

I know two Paul Daniels
Neither of them is:

a. A magician
b. A cunt
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Are you sure it's a cold and not just your septum melting?
Scientifically those first defence things are a load of old bobbins. Neck some paracetomol with a load of orange juice: the more you believe that'll work, the better you'll feel.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Woohoo!
Scientific backup for my existing opinion.

No, I don't care if you're not that kind of scientist, you have a white coat and glasses so I believe you.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:02, Reply)

I also endsorse this statement

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:02, Reply)

I "end-sauce" this statement
IYKWIM, AITYD
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:46, Reply)

I am that kind of scientist
although more a geneticist than an immunologist, currently.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Could you genetically engineer Monty's username back, please?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:09, Reply)

I'd probably need ethics approval for that kind of thing
forms signed in triplicate etc.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:12, Reply)

It's alright, Monty doesn't have any ethics.
Nobody will mind.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Better still.
Now get on with finding a cure.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:12, Reply)

I doubt there'll be a cure for the common cold in my lifetime
let alone yours. Sorry.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:17, Reply)

That's what 'they' would have you believe.
Also, cancer's a fungus and there's been a cure for years but 'they' are far too busy making money from drug treatments to release it onto the market.

/David Icke.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Your face is a fungus
Mildew/
( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:20, Reply)

Oh God...

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:20, Reply)

*googles*
Good grief that man's a window-licker. How have I not heard of him?
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:24, Reply)

It's because you're not a person you're a sheerson.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:25, Reply)

David Icke is possibly the most famous nutter the 80's ever produced.
Quite probably psychotic, very definitely an utter mentalist.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:30, Reply)

spitting image had a great time with him
they should bring back spitting image, i bloody loved that show.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:33, Reply)

Still, decent goalkeeper, til the lizards got to him.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:38, Reply)

His Wogan interview was funny

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Wogan now admits that it was probably a bit cruel
to let a nutjob like him on the show in order to spout his beliefs, as it did massive damage to his family.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:54, Reply)

He deliberately chose to be a goalkeeper
as it allowed him time with his thoughts and preferred the relative isolation the position afforded him.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:57, Reply)

I've just read his article on that
What a fucking cunt.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:41, Reply)

The awful thing is though
that there's a lot of people out there that believe his unsubstantiated bollocks.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:53, Reply)

That's what concerns me.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:00, Reply)

The forum on his website reads like a parody of extreme conspiracy theorists..
..then you realise they're not joking.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:04, Reply)

My next door neighbour
is a fully paid up, tinfoil hat wearing, lizard fearing conspiracy theorist. Apart from that he's a nice bloke.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:09, Reply)

I am very sure, yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Orange juice and paracetomol it is then
or a man-sized dose of MTFU.
(berk, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Curly Kale, Broccoli
Eggs and Tomatoes.

Or a healthy dose of man the fuck up.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:00, Reply)

I thought dairy + colds equals mucus?
Is this a waggish prank?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:04, Reply)

So THAT is how they make McDonald's mikshakes.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:07, Reply)

No that's the congealed spunk of their spottiest staff members.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:09, Reply)

All those QOTWers that claim to have been responsible, no doubt.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Nah, they're too busy chucking it up supermodels to have time to wank into a cup.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:26, Reply)

I didn't know eggs
came from cows?!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:09, Reply)

With my background in this, I can say this is true
Cows lay eggs
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:10, Reply)

Tayyabs tea
Sorted. You'll snot your cold straight out
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:02, Reply)

I use first defence and as long as I get it right at the very start of the cold then it works for me.
Truefact!
( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:13, Reply)

Now I am off to the gym to make sure I'm fit and healthy.

( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:14, Reply)

I'm guessing you have the constitution of an ox though
You don't seem to the the "I've got a cold, oh woe is me" type
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:14, Reply)

I'm not quite sure here but I think I've just been insulted.

( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:17, Reply)

It wasn't an insult!
You laugh in the face of the common cold
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Hey
Yorkshire was lovely, but you people can't drive for shit!
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:20, Reply)

pssssst
tod is in lancashire. it's the postal address and everything...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:23, Reply)

Oh
I just assumed because on Friday I said I was on holiday in Yorkshire and, now that I think about it, even though she asked what part she did say "That's nowhere near me", so actually could have been anywhere.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:26, Reply)

It is technically in Yorkshire though.
Even though it has a Lancashire postcode. It's right on the western border. Used to be in Lancashire, much like Berwick used to be in Scotland.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:28, Reply)

my brothers and i and all my mother's family were born in halifax
safely on the right side of the border. my dad, who was born in tod....... his rose is definitely pink, if not red.

he gets so utterly irate when you cast aspersions on his yorkshire heritage that tod-baiting has become an instinctive reflex.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:31, Reply)

aw. man, Swipe pretending to be Monty.
That's going to trouble me in so many ways.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:40, Reply)

you mean you're not going to know which of us is exciting you a bit too much?
that would be troubling, i can see that.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Something like that, yeah.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Expecting a guy to stop and think before going to Def Con Bongle
Is perhaps a little unreasonable
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:01, Reply)

1. Waste of money, honey and lemon with hot water and a tripple cheap whiskey.
2. I did that when someone stole mine, I have no shame.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:17, Reply)

trying to become monty for the day for a hugely comedic effect
shows that Monty Boyce, monty boyce, Monty_Boyce and many other permutations are already taken.

just how many montys are out there? scary thought!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:18, Reply)

There can be only one
*climbs ruined castle in thunder storm*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:20, Reply)

now that's one hell of a euphemism
for sweaty hairy bumlove
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:22, Reply)

Monty, do you want the underscore version?
Edit, never mind Swipe, as you were.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:23, Reply)

ha
sucked in one sucker
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:26, Reply)

So, He was YOUR woman.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Did he see the knife in your hand, and he laughed no more?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:38, Reply)

Why?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Why?
WHY?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:54, Reply)

De Lilo

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Nancy?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Charming
I'm not Darth you know
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:57, Reply)

To be absolutely clear...
There is no cure or prevention for the common cold.
The best that you can hope for is to reduce the lifespan of your cold.
I've never used Vicks First Defence, but a quick browse of their website suggests to me that it is most likely bobbins.

The Cochrane Review recently completed a systematic review of randomised controlled trials on the effectiveness of zinc in reducing the length and severity of colds and concluded that the results indicate that taking zinc within 24 hours of the start of cold symptoms reduces the duration and severity of symptoms in healthy people. When taken for at least five months, it reduces cold incidence, school absences and antibiotic prescriptions.

That said I think that at best it will only knock a couple of days off. My professional opinion is that you should increase your Vitamin C intake (from food, not supplements), drink plenty of fluids, get an early night for once and, as other posters have suggested man the fuck up.
I can sell you some Zinc supplements if that is what you want.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:23, Reply)

I thought even the Cochrane review had been questioned?
The problem with all these things, even meta-analyses, is they rely on human interpretation of symptoms.

Having said that, your professional opinion is more or less spot on. Although even the Vit C is a bit debatable.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:36, Reply)

There are always questions on these things
Cochrane Review question it themselves, which is why they are generally speaking a more reliable source.
Taking Vitamin C is certainly debateable, but most people believe it, so my point was more: eat some fruit instead of pills. Which is generally good advice whether you have a cold or not.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:44, Reply)

totally.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Lol

(Jimmy Saville's bitch Is a sucker for gold jewellery, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:23, Reply)

hi rory
this made me laugh though
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:26, Reply)

It's not Rory.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:31, Reply)

it is now

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Oh Fuck.
In other news, my co-director that I am joint MD with has just resigned this morning.

I could really do without trying to run it on my own at the moment. Shit. Fuck. Cunt. Wank. Piss.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:29, Reply)

I'll do it.
Seriously. I am about to kill my boss.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:29, Reply)

Fuck you I need the money more than you I have to buy a malaysian holiday

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Oh OK then.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:37, Reply)

malaysian holiday sex change operation.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:42, Reply)

M/F/Other

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:43, Reply)

I'll do it.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Was it Kristines fault?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Ha ha.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:41, Reply)

Why did he quit anyway?
He hadn't been in the job that long has he?
MD's are cunts fact (no offense)
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:47, Reply)

I sold my company to a larger one earlier this year. He was MD of that business and we became joint MD's of the larger group that we created. He's been running their business for 6 years and has had enough.

Means I will be sole MD (subject to shareholder approval) which isn't a bad thing except I have got a lot else on with the baby, possibly moving house etc.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:50, Reply)

This sounds good to me though?
No?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:50, Reply)

Lot of stress innit.
Battered get a good PA if you haven't got one already.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:53, Reply)

But he is already a director

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:53, Reply)

I have no idea how big the buisness is.
I know plenty of places that don't have specific PA's but share admin resources, someone who basically organises your life like a good PA can will make thinks a lot easier.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:56, Reply)

We will turn over about £7m this year.
EBITDA of £800k but we are clearing down bank debt so not paying out dividends.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:57, Reply)

It is a lot of stress which is one of the main reasons I sold my business. Worrying about meeting payroll every month is extremely stressful when things are tight.
I have a good PA thankfully.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:54, Reply)

It could be - if only I had the time to do it properly - it's a lot more work for me and we have complimentary skills which has been good for the success of the business.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:53, Reply)

No-one lower down who would be good as a replacement?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:54, Reply)

We don't have a proper succession plan in place.
I am sitting down with my HR director at lunchtime to discuss options.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Be sure to mention "psychochomp off of the internet"

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:57, Reply)

"he can do spreadsheets and sarcasm"

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Charming and witty.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:59, Reply)

"he looks like David Yelland but with more hair"

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Charming and WITTY

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:59, Reply)

"the paperclip whisperer"

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:59, Reply)

CHARMING AND WITTY!

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:00, Reply)

hahaha - best sub thread of the day

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:00, Reply)

hahahaha!
I spy a sig in the making
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Either I'm going completely mad
or there is some japery with names. I'm an old lady; I can't keep up with this shit.

In answer to your first question, I used that stuff last time I felt a cold coming on, but I can't remember if it did much in the way of lessening the symptoms/duration. I can heartily recommend Zovirax though, which is another one of those 'at the first signs' treatments. Not that anyone with your clean-living lifestyle would ever suffer from herpes simplex.

Your best bet really is a couple of massive hot toddys, lots of paracetamol, a scalding hot bath, then lots and lots of sleep. That's the one thing that always seems to work. And if it does take hold, Day and Night Nurse.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:38, Reply)

or take two teaspoons of cement and harden the fuck up.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:39, Reply)

Drinking orange juice daily has been shown to reduce the length of a cold by up to 3 days apparently,
also drinkning orange juice gives you cock cancer, swings and roundabouts really.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:41, Reply)

orange juice is bad for arthritis
as are tomatoes, and some nuts. It's a fucking disgrace, is what it is.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Really?
Why?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:46, Reply)

SCIENCE!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Damn Science
*shakes fist containing tomato, orange and nuts*
*awaits wanking joke*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:49, Reply)

Well,
pseudo-science, which is almost the same thing.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:50, Reply)

Fuck
What can you eat?

Everything nice causes arthritis!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:51, Reply)

well, no
everything nice is listed on that site.

that's not really the same thing as causing arthritis. More than some site has written some words.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:54, Reply)

It doesn't *cause* it
just exacerbates symptoms. But fuck it, that's what painkillers are for. i just eat what I want and neck ibuprofen if it gets too bad.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Good plan
I know it doesn't cause it, otherwise I'd not be able to move a single muscle now
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Do you know what causes ham-fisted spacktardness?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Bananas, going by Apey

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:59, Reply)

Well, let's keep our fingers crossed for you that one day they'll find a cure.
Until then, be strong, and take each day as it comes.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:01, Reply)

zing

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Seems to be lacking some of this:
science
Pronunciation:/ˈsʌɪəns/
noun
[mass noun]
the intellectual and practical activity encompassing the systematic study of the structure and behaviour of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:50, Reply)

Good question.
I found these to be odd claims too.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Can't possibly have been shown in any kind of valid study though.
Because you can't blind "drinking orange juice"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:42, Reply)

You can if you get it in your eye
It fucking stings
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:43, Reply)

I was hoping that the secomd part of the post might show that i wasn't terribly serious...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:44, Reply)

I'm well up for drinking orange juice if it gives me swings and roundabouts.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:45, Reply)

But cancer is serious!
There's a song that says so, and everything.

Saying that, cock cancer sounds funny.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:45, Reply)

He is hoping for a massive bellend tumour

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:47, Reply)

I thought he *was* a massive bellend tumour?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:48, Reply)

I set 'em up...

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Can everyone stop being me, please?
It's giving me a messiah complex. And a bone-on.

Thanks awfully.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:38, Reply)

No dice grandad

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:40, Reply)

I wonder if those medicines which you use when you aren't sick and have no measurable way of telling whether they have worked are a waste of money?
You fucking spastic.
( WormuIus, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:40, Reply)

As for the username
you should have created a sockpuppet account and swapped your name with it.
( WormuIus, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:41, Reply)

I thought I had and that all I needed to to was recall the password.
I was wrong.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:44, Reply)

The claim made for these medicines
is that when you start coming down with a cold, their magical powers prevent the worst effects of said cold from developing. Not that you simply take them whilst feeling fine and thus never get a cold, by the way.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:46, Reply)

No, that's massive drugs

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Monty's immune system has been mummified

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:48, Reply)

The inside of his nose has calcified

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:49, Reply)

I bet you could get a good ounce out of his nasal passages
if you went in with a scraper
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:50, Reply)

We are apparently getting the mini Ape christened
which means I will have to "When you bring your child for baptism, you will be asked to declare publicly on behalf of your child that you believe in God and that you will bring your child up to follow Jesus."

this irks me hugely as even if God did exist then he is obviously a massive twat
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:57, Reply)

If only your child hadn't been born a massive sinner

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:59, Reply)

I NO RITE!
"Sorry sweetie, it's hell and damnation for you LOL!!"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Unless...
A man in a dress washes your sin away*





*The church and its associates take no responsibilty for any "inappropriate touching" that may take place during sin-washing
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:04, Reply)

Been there, done that, have access to best school for children
A small lie in the house of God for the greater good, right Jebus?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 10:59, Reply)

You're going to Hell
You will never sing wiv da angles.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:00, Reply)

I can't sing anyway
\m/
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Agree on a compromise
Have the baptism first, then slay the poor innocent in a sacrifice to Baal.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:01, Reply)

The voice of reason ^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:02, Reply)

I'm wondering if there is some non toxic and invisible chemical i can smear on her forehesd
so it smokes when the water is added
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:03, Reply)

haha!
I like this
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:03, Reply)

I love chimcals, me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:04, Reply)

I'm less keen on ninjas.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:04, Reply)

Phospherous
If you cover the nippers head in a silicon solution first.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:04, Reply)

That would be ace.
If you have to do a bit where you say "...so help me God" or something, say "By the power of the almighty Lord Of Flies, the Great God Satan.... I mean, so help me God. Sorry"
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:05, Reply)

Lithium
Absolutely nothing can go wrong if you use lithium.
( Kroney, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:06, Reply)

I like it.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Where would a self admittant drug abuser with ties to a comunity containing many patients with depressive-state mental disorders, get some lithium from?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Best incorporation of Monty's name into a username yet.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:16, Reply)

It really is.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:17, Reply)

I don't know what you mean, I am the real monty, look at this.
*perfectly normal voice, just a few octaves deeper*

"Hello, my name is monty, I like taking drugs and listening to music from musicians from the 70s such as Hawksmell and Iron Madmen. I hate my ex because she is a BUMLORD".

*ends voice*

See what I mean?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Monty loves Iron maiden, fact

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Well I'm convinced

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:30, Reply)

He is also a big fan of Judas Priest
he likes the snazzy costumes most of all.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:33, Reply)

He does bear an uncanny resemblance to Rob Halford, this is true.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:37, Reply)

Shit band.
Fact.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:42, Reply)

Potassium would be the most fun

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:09, Reply)

Be a man.
Tell your partner, or whoever's idea this is, that you will not start your career as a farther by being a hypocritical liar.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:02, Reply)

My kid got into a Catholic pre-school thing
by my ex telling them 'I could lie and claim Christian faith and take her to church etc but as a moral person who just happens not to have religious faith, I think that is dishonest'

It worked but they said it's unlikely for her to be accepted into their proper primary school without her being baptised. The fucking cunts.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:03, Reply)

Catholicism is fucking shit.

( Kroney, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:04, Reply)

Worst of all the Christians by a long fucking chalk.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Westboro, surely?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Their malign influence on world events is negligible.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:12, Reply)

And it's a pretty cunty chalk to start with.

( Kroney, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:07, Reply)

Damn right it is.
Positively reeks of fanny.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:12, Reply)

I'm now quite glad I'm not going to be Godfather to my friend's child.
Those services are so fucking dull.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:06, Reply)

No one would understand you with a mouth full of cotton wool anyway.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:07, Reply)

Marlon Brando lols

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:07, Reply)

Haha

CFB
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:07, Reply)