What is the one question you've always wanted to ask your parents but have never had the balls to ask?
Alt: What should I get my wife to celebrate us having been married for six months in a few days time (needs to be inexpensive but not look cheap)?

Alt Alt: Worst thing about December?

EDITED due Tangled's pedantry.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:08, 178 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Get her a £5 note framed and give it to her.
Make sure it's a newish looking one and you can tell her it was printed on the day of your wedding. She'll never check.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:11, Reply)

You are so smooth Chompo

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:11, Reply)

It's a wonder I'm single eh?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:12, Reply)

Plus also a new one won't be as tatty so would be worth more value.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:30, Reply)

Alt: nothing
You've already given her a baby.
Also, it is not an anniversary - they happen yearly. The clue is in the name.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:11, Reply)

demianiversary?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:12, Reply)

I'd have gone with "sixth mensuversary"
But that does sound a little bit close to "menstrual," which she might take the wrong way...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:10, Reply)

nothing.
Alt: nothing

AltAlt: nothing

Glad to have contributed so meaninfully.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:14, Reply)

There's nothing that I can think of.
I know my parents had a hurried marriage to ensure my brother was born within wedlock - and I tease him regularly about my being the 'wanted son' etc. I know more than I want to about my father's infidelity and three marriages, I have no desire to know any 'details' about my mother's sordid bentness so no. I'm fine thanks.

I'd quite like to know what's in my mother's will, but it's only idle interest as she's likely to outlive me by a good 30 years.

Alt alt: my post-Jeffstock hangover
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:15, Reply)

Ahem. There is nothing wrong with getting married when the bride is pregnant...

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:17, Reply)

I quite agree.
The world's full of bastards. Anything anyone can do to help is welcome.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Nuthin
alt: make a sculture of her out of your blood and semen
at alt:overly happy people
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:16, Reply)

nothing really
it's more about what they would have wanted to ask me - i don't tell my family much.

december - it being too cold to walk home from work. i like doing that if i've missed the gym in the morning.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:17, Reply)

It's not too cold, you just haven't dressed appropriately for the weather.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:18, Reply)

nah
it's just my face/head, they actually ache by the time i get home, as it's a 7 mile walk, so takes anything from about 90 mins to 2 hours, depending on how much texting/phoning i am doing en route!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Get a balaclava.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:21, Reply)

what would that do to my hair??

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Shave your hair off then you won't have to worry.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:28, Reply)

Balaclavas FTW.

( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:21, Reply)

Best of all the Greek desserts

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:30, Reply)

Turkish, surely...
Puns require a degree of factual accuracy.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:39, Reply)

pah!
Mrs DG makes them and she lived in Greece = Greek
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:41, Reply)

I'd beware of any gifts she gives you then

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:44, Reply)

Are you Irish?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:30, Reply)

Same with me.
You lot probably know more about me than my mother does.
( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:18, Reply)

My brother told our dear mama, a couple of years ago,
that taking LSD was 'the best thing he'd ever done in his life'.

Good one you cock.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Why didn't you want me ??
/bobby
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:19, Reply)

Ha ha

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Really?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:29, Reply)

Are you still upset about how good utd are?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:29, Reply)

Resigned Bob, they can blame the season on the loss of Vidic now, but really they lack midfield spark and invention
Could be an expensive summer in the transfer market
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:37, Reply)

Cahill, Beecham, Henry. Sorted

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Or Beckham

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:44, Reply)

Alt: book her in for a facial.
They love that shit and you probably won't mind it too.

LOL
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:20, Reply)

I've booked her in for a "facial" already

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:31, Reply)

I was hoping to suprise her with one.
PS THAT'S THE...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:37, Reply)

I've asked them everything. I have no tact.
I was probably conceived in my dad's single bed at Nana's house but there's a slim chance it was at my aunty Mary's while they were babysitting.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Why would you want to know where you were conceived?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:21, Reply)

The Council want to put a blue plaque up
Or raze the entire area, one of the two.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:23, Reply)

She's a scouser.
So the area will probably have been burned to the ground during one of the many riots and a blue plaque would get stolen and sold for scrap.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Everton fans will nick it for their trophy cabinet if it is blue

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:33, Reply)

I'm nosey.
I knew they were already having me when they got married.
I wanted to be assured I wasn't conceived on a sofa or in a car park or something. She was a bit offended but she told me.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Write her a poem.
Chicks love that shit.
( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:21, Reply)

Could you write it for me? I'm useless at shit like that.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Then it wouldn't be from the heart would it.

( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:23, Reply)

She wouldn't know that.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:24, Reply)

What about a limerick then?
If she married you she must have a sense of humour.
( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Thanks for that.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:25, Reply)

I meant, I can't imagine you hooking up with some dour faced humourless woman.

( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:26, Reply)

DJTP beat him to her.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Ah. Yep, she certainly isn't dour or humourless. Despite being Scottish.
I might get her a t-shirt printed that says "I survived the first 6 months".
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:28, Reply)

That's more like it.

( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:28, Reply)

Write it at home, that should sort it.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:24, Reply)

I'll do it. No problem.
'Dear Mrs Battered
I love you a lot
Before we got married
I thought you were hot
That is all over now we have a tot
Never again will my 'coins' fill your 'slot'

Yours,

Battered off the internet
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:29, Reply)

This wins.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:30, Reply)

I am here to help.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Roses are red
Violets are violet
What's the word on your clopper
As I'd like to defile it
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:30, Reply)

My favourite has always been
Roses are red,
Violets are blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van.

Beautiful.
( Kroney, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:33, Reply)

roses are red
ivy is twisted
bend over love
you're about to get fisted.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:39, Reply)

I'll save that one for her birthday card.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Roses are red
voilets are blue
i want to wear your skin
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:43, Reply)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
This one doesn't
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:12, Reply)

I already know I was an unplanned child, so beyond that, there isn't really anything else you can ask
Alt: Cook her a nice meal, don't just buy her some tat.

Alt Alt: Carol singers, mince pies, decorations, etc.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:24, Reply)

Are you the product of marital rape?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:31, Reply)

^ great new login for Nakers

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:33, Reply)

That's why his mum could never show him any love

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:35, Reply)

That and his awful personality.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Nope, simply unplanned

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:39, Reply)

Dad was aiming for the arse, but missed cos he was drunk on stout

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:42, Reply)

Well, it was his birthday after all...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Maybe you are adopted too.
Oh man, an unplanned adoption would suck donkey cock.
(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:37, Reply)

This was something my brothers and sisters used to say, to wind me up
My Dad's way to point out that this wasn't true is that "they'd have had to pick me".
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:40, Reply)

Oliver Bonas do nice and well priced jewellry

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Hur hur, 'bonas'

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:25, Reply)

A sensible answer. Thank you.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:26, Reply)

I've balanced it out below

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:26, Reply)

BORING!!

( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:27, Reply)

get her to give you a blow job

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:26, Reply)

Er... they are married.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Why won't you hurry up and die so I can have my inheritance before you soak it all up on being retired?
alt: Lush. Lush was invented so men could get women gifts without thinking. They have a gift box for the amount you want to spend, whatever it is. It's ace.
alt alt: The gnawing irritation that it is called the tenth month when it is now the twelfth month now because of the calendar change.
(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:36, Reply)

I've never heard of it called the tenth month.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:37, Reply)

Dec-ember.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:38, Reply)

Oh right, never really thought of that.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:40, Reply)

Give us three different words for "ten" that aren't "ten", Chompabix.

(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:25, Reply)

September, October, November, December
7, 8, 9, 10.
( Kroney, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:39, Reply)

Two new months inserted thanks to two Roman emperors who were so randy on power
that they fucked the year itself.

Edit: Although one of them was just a tyrant.
( Kroney, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:38, Reply)

:( Edumeaction iz all rong

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:42, Reply)

Oh well, they renamed two months, then.
Fair enough.
( Kroney, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Is that true about Lush?
Because if so, that's my secret santa sorted. Thank you.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:38, Reply)

Yes.
Yes it is.
(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:15, Reply)

1) Where did you hide all the money?
2) nothing because 6 month isn't an annversary, it's half a year, it's nothing. Only bent teenagers go on about 6 month fucking annervasaries. Winston Churchill never went after 6 months "Let's celebrate, WW2 is over".
3) the stress and pressure, there is so much of it.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:37, Reply)

I think most of the gold ended up in Switzerland

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:38, Reply)

*hoots*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:43, Reply)

I really hate This Morning, can't fucking stand it.
1) They keep on going on about celebs but they're only ITV celebs who mean fuck all if it wasn't for people talking about them because people are talking about them.
2) The 'twitter' and 'facebook' thigns they read out, normally they are too big a message for that medium, and blatently they're not real, nobody says something like "Well, I think that blah blah on ITV ©® [tv show] ©® that [actor] shouldn't be so bloody good to watch between the 7-:730 every teusday on ITV ©® 2 ©® ".
3) The way they go from light jokey stuff to interviewing someone who's family died in a car crash followed by some cooking thing followed by someone who got raped.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:43, Reply)

Dude. Turn it off.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:44, Reply)

I've noticed that BBC news do that with Twitter too - messages way over 140 characters.
If you think This Morning is bad then avoid Loose Women. Seriously.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:44, Reply)

What Monty said.
I mean, why the fuck are you watching ITV anyway? I thought you had an IQ in treble figures.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:47, Reply)

I
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Don't be such a fucking snob.
TV is ace. TV loves me.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:48, Reply)

I'm being facetious.
even if I can't spell it.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:50, Reply)

I'm really in no position to judge, myself.
I watched the X Factor.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:52, Reply)

I've never watched a single episode, thank fuck. But I genuinely did a double take
when I found out that Leona Lewis has covered "Hurt".

That's just so many levels of wrong I don't even know where to start.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:54, Reply)

i saw that clip and she was incredibly shit and she was shaking and she looked 'unwell'.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:55, Reply)

There are two ways you can argue that you can cover Hurt
taking the original NIN meaning, if you're a smack addict. Or take the Johnny Cash adaption, if you're old and dying and you're looking back on a life you regret and the people you've fucked up.

I have to suspect that neither of the above apply in any way, shape or form to some manufactured XFactor bint.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:58, Reply)

I saw that guy's brother you were talking about.
He looked educationally subnormal. You need to have a word with the admissions department.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:58, Reply)

did they not hide the money in the deposit for your flat?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:43, Reply)

Nah', not at all, not even close. It's in some property in cyprus 'cus some turks cheated and lied to my family and for some reason we believed them.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Nowt.
If I wanted to know something I'd ask them.

alt: six months isn't an anniversary you fucking plum. So nothing.

alt alt: Right now, the number of exams I have to mark.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:43, Reply)

just write
2:1 on all of them... and fuck off down the pub, unless you use that crazy Scottish marking system in which case put distinction on them all,
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:48, Reply)

they aren't finals papers
so just a percentage.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:49, Reply)

well fuck em then...
The papers not the students thats poor form
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:50, Reply)

depends if you get caught.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:54, Reply)

I wouldn't mind knowing if I have any rich relatives somewhere who might like to adopt me.
Alt: 6 months? What are you, 14?
Alt Alt: No-one cares that it's my birthday because they're all wah wah wah xmas.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:45, Reply)

*puts card in bin*

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:45, Reply)

*gets card out of bin*
*rescues postal order for one pound*
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:47, Reply)

If you celebrate 6 months will you also celebrate 18 months?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Nah. It's also as it will be a year to the day since I proposed.
She has been a bit down looking after the baby all the time and I thought doing something she might think is romantic might cheer her up.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:47, Reply)

That's nice then.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:49, Reply)

I would go with
Flowers and then find a great frame and the best picture of you on the wedding day put picture in frame job done...

Or you can get the picture turned into an oil painting version and as above.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:50, Reply)

That's a 1st anniversary present as 1 year is paper
/Ididthat
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:57, Reply)

I didnt think to do that on my paper anniversary
I just gave my missus a used tissue... I did fill it with my love for her though so thats ok.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:06, Reply)

If possible the best thing you could do would be to dump mini battered on the grandparents and take her out for dinner and dancing

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:50, Reply)

out for dinner and dancing up the shitpipe, dry.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:51, Reply)

WINNAR.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:55, Reply)

Our daughter only has two grandparents as we don't count my parents. My wife's parents are in Scotland so it's a bit difficult.
Flowers would get wasted as she goes to the states the following day. I think I will cook a meal, decent bottle of wine, get the t-shirt printed I mentioned above, buy her some perfume or something and not shout at her for a change.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:55, Reply)

If she's flying out the next day
book into a hotel near the airport for the night. Get room service and make sure she has good reason to sleep on the plane.

Then make sure she comes back to a spotless house with no piles of laundry to do.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:57, Reply)

the b3th speaketh the truth here.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:58, Reply)

It does happen, occasionally.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:03, Reply)

A hotel is a bit outside my budget unfortunately. I am flying out to states a few days later to join her so will make sure the house is clean.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:59, Reply)

oh well, all I know is that we just had our first night out toigether in 5 months and mrs ape was very excited
it was like getting our lives back a bit...could you get a babysitter?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:58, Reply)

Maybe one of the other mums from her NCT class could babysit. I will look in to this.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:00, Reply)

This could work as they will be impressed by your intentions
Their husbands, however, will hate you for this.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:10, Reply)

You're assuming they'll make it till then.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:48, Reply)

This Sunday it will be 16 months since we got married.
I never thought the old boy would last that long.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:51, Reply)

You must be gutted

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:52, Reply)

We've got the yearly oncologist appointment next month
so fingers crossed.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:53, Reply)

If it was the proctologist, would he be gutted?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:53, Reply)

gutted hard
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:54, Reply)

I hope his onc is ok

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:54, Reply)

who knows?
Every time he gets a headache or a muscle twinge he's convinced he's on the way out.
The man is not one of life's natural optimists.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:55, Reply)

You are Anna Nicole Smith AICMB

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:52, Reply)

You claim your banana?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:09, Reply)

mong brain

( thealternativefact, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:10, Reply)

*cries*

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:12, Reply)

not you...
...you mong brain
( thealternativefact, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:14, Reply)

Oh ok I see what you did there
*drinks more coffee*
*remembers she doesn't like coffee*
*throws up a bit*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:17, Reply)

breasts?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:09, Reply)

Bongle?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:21, Reply)

Billions

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:27, Reply)

Thanks for that.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:57, Reply)

unemployment is great
I've done all my cleaning and put some washing in and wrote my christmas cards and I'm just about to head over to Palmers Green to go to the post office and morrisons and buy some carrots for dinner later.

I think when I get back I'll have some cheese and red onion chutney on crunchy bread then hit up some more job applications
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:07, Reply)

Being employed isn't too bad either.
This morning I have mainly chatted on Skype and written a poem.
( thealternativefact, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:09, Reply)

Is it a poem about how great I am?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:10, Reply)

No

( thealternativefact, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:10, Reply)

oh
I'll write one about that later then
*pencils in for 3pm*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:11, Reply)

ha-ha

( thealternativefact, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:12, Reply)

does it start "roses are red"?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:41, Reply)

^The hard working public sector
Just a stab in the dark mind
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:12, Reply)

Yep, and term hasn't even finished.
Mind you, it would be a stab in the dark - I've moved so little the lights just went off.
/zzzzzzz
( thealternativefact, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:13, Reply)

hahaha

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:14, Reply)

The problem with you people is you just don't want to work

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:09, Reply)

Have you been reading the Daily Mail again?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:11, Reply)

Yes. It appears that the world is a terrifying place
*twitches net curtains nervously*
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:12, Reply)

I wouldn't if I were you.
Net curtains give you cancer,
100% FACT
( thealternativefact, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:15, Reply)

Last week they told me net curtains prevent cancer
It's so confusing.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Check the original study for the *real* facts...
The study sampled two groups who had net curtains; those who twitched them showed a greater incidence of cancer, those who were disinclined to twitch did not. HOWEVER, there was no control group studied (i.e., people without net curtains) and no placebo group (i.e., people who were told they had net curtains, but in fact somebody had just draped a horse in front of their window). MOST IMPORTANTLY, they spotted a correlation, but not necessarily a causation, so the Mail should have pointed out, for balance, that the study could equally suggest that having a tumour may result in the purchase and subsequent twitching of net curtains.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:23, Reply)

Haha good work there
Although, it's exactly this sort of untapped potential that causes your parents such disappointment.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:25, Reply)

"If only he put this much effort into his studies..."

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:26, Reply)

Are you actually proud of me and just have trouble showing it
Or are you really just bitterly ashamed of what an insufferable, alcoholic, floppy-haired cretin I turned out to be?

Alt: Kinder Surprise
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:17, Reply)

It's the latter
Sorry.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:18, Reply)

They probably still love you though
In spite of their disappointment.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:20, Reply)

cretin bender
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:19, Reply)

I thought I'd managed to keep that hidden from them.
They seemed so reassured when I first bought a girl home.

Perhaps I shouldn't have just left her there with them...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:24, Reply)

I've always worked on the basis that I wouldn't want to know the answers
especially since my parents had been married for ten years already when they had me, so I was clearly a mistake.

Alt: A new set of dishcloths

Alt Alt: having to go home for Christmas
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:26, Reply)

See, the way I thought about it was,
my parents were married for about five years before I was conceived, therefore they probably decided it was about time they got round to it.

Thinking about it, that just makes my conception sound like some tedious chore that they had to get round to at some point...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:29, Reply)

"I supposed we ought to make a start"

"Hang on, let me finish the washing up first"
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:31, Reply)

hi GUYS/Everyone!
I'm about to go and get my lunch, does anytohne want anything?

LOl i'm not really going to get you anything cos I don't know you lol
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:30, Reply)

Can you get me a plate of SHUT THE HELL UP

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:33, Reply)

I got to 37 years old before I heard this, but I'm sure it's in common usage.
But I really liked 'Will you fuck off, then come back so you can fuck off again'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:44, Reply)

In light of your edit...
Why did you raise such a pedantic little shit?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:38, Reply)

Actually, while I'm being pedantic...
I already know the answer to that question and I don't think there is anything I would be afraid to ask them.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 12:39, Reply)