Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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I haven't started a new thread in agesInspired by Crow's tales of having boffed Claude Speed's intended, probably, do you have any ex-shags who you'd like to recommend to another b3tan? A mega-rich closet homoesxual for Swipey, maybe? A kid in care for Quentin? One of the Billy Goats Gruff for Rory?
Alt: Physical contact. Are you a hugger, a handshaker or a "don't touch me you filthy unwashed" type?
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:50, 191 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
What's with men hugging these day? what's wrong with a handshake?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:51,
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There's a weird high-five-backslap-hug I've seen that I just don't get.A handshake is fine. I don't get the logistics of this new thing.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:54,
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There's no needthe minefiled that is kissing girls hello was bad enough, why add this to the mix?
I find myslef holding out a hand for a handshake as they pile in for a hug, my hand is then pinned dangerously close to the genitle area.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:56,
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You've perfected a way to make this look like an accident now.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:57,
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...which was exactly what I had intendedNothing says hello like a clit tweak
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:58,
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How is kissing girls hello a minefield?Hot = kiss on the cheek
Ugly = handshake
Fat = nod from distance
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:59, Reply)
This plan will work out brilliantly if you are introduced to three girls at oncea fit one, a fugly one and a fatty
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:03,
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The confusing bit is when you get introduced to a fat ugly girlTry to remember that fat trumps ugly, don't go in for a handshake whilst nodding, you'll look special
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:05, Reply)
Too much Sopranos watchingHugs with back slapping
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:57,
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I'd recommend your mum to any member of offtopic/obligatory answer
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:52,
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Why do you want everyone to get bad AIDS?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:53,
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I didn't pull out, and your to blame
You give aids, a bad name
I tapped your head, and then I came,
You gave aids, a bad name.
you gave aids, a bad name.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:04,
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Suzanne, an exFilthier than a Cornish tin miner's sock. 5' nowt and 32DD
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:52,
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Her Big Massive Implements were great fun(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:55,
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To be fair to Swipe, money doesn't matter that much.It's really the closet homosexuality that's non-negotiable.
As for me, no.
Alt: I am a handshaker on meeting people for the first time, a hugger with female friends and male friends get called cunts. Anybody trying to kiss me in that continental manner gets Looked At.
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Kroney, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:54,
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one kiss or two?and what happens if you aim left and she aims right and you end up in the middle?
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:58,
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Then she gets headbutted.As is quite likely to happen just for trying it in the first place.
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Kroney, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:59,
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I'd like to recommend my ex-boyfriend to Tangledif he was single and gay/bi.
Alt: Hugs for friends, handshakes for others
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:56,
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I've just realised that Tangled's usernameis clearly a riff on his desire to see Rapunzel porn
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:58, Reply)
I fucking loved that filmand Maximus was frankly the best thing about it
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:04, Reply)
My daughter loves it and I end up watching it at least once a week(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:05,
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I bet you know all the words to "I See The Light"and that it STILL makes you cry
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:06, Reply)
This is a children's film, right?Sportscow I can understand - he may have watched it with little Morquinda and D'Shawn. But you and Trotter have no excuse.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:17,
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I cannot claim credit, I'm afraidMonty christened your kids a few weeks back and the names stuck for me.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:21,
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I have 4 nephews and a niece, and am regularly at friend's houses, many of whom have children.That's not the point though, it was recommended as a good watch, so I watched it, and thoroughly enjoyed it
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:19,
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I'm none of these thingsBut prepared to try anything once*
*Apart from bumming. Male or female, it's not a place I wish to visit/accept visitors.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:59,
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He liked Bob Dylan, he was on the far end of lefty-nessand played the guitar. Who knew what I was thinking :(
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:00,
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this makes your previous postlook like a BIG FAT LIE
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:07,
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You clever lawyer types can spot the flaw in any argument.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:10,
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i knowwe're trained to spot the INNER BUMMER in all your posts.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:15,
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just cause he bought you lots of cakes he didn't know what you were thinkingthat was pure coincidence.
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:04,
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It all started to go wrong when on an impulse he asked you to help him outwith his volunteering in homeless shelters. Blinded by his easy-going hair and penchant for necklaces, you agreed. You even made it to lunchtime before giving in to your righteous Tory anger and yelling "GET A JOB" right in the face of a tramp.
To be fair, he might have given you the benefit of the doubt, but when you lectured the next guy on how unfair it was that he kept a dog when he couldn't even keep up on the mortgage payments on a six bedroom Chelsea home, it was just too much.
Things were never the same after that and he dumped you via badly-written poetry.
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Kroney, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:06,
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As soon as I saw this post I thought "he's going for a popular page epic"It almost pains me to click it.
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:09, Reply)
i would click it all dayif either of you had a bash at producing said "badly written poetry"
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:15,
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The bird must fly freeand so it is with me
you said you liked chick peas
but you're just a stinking Tory.
I'm going to write a song
On how your attitude's wrong
It shouldn't take too long
As I'm not terribly well-informed politically and really just put on this show of being a sensitive tramp-loving guitarist because it gets girls.
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Kroney, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:20,
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An Ode to SwipeI wandered lonely as a b3tan
O'er forum, board and page
On yonder dale I spied a maiden
Mocking a tard in its cage
"Lo!", thought I, "what mighty jugs!"
"Verily, must I pander"
Sadly she eschewed my hugs,
And sued my arse for slander.
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:26, Reply)
Hahaha so trueIt was over when I kicked a puppy and made him wear a Margaret Thatcher mask. But then I did accidentally call his mother's best friend a traitor.
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:29,
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As a friend to the children, I commend you the yak.I'm afraid my closetted homosexual is not an ex, and not mega-rich. Mega-rich in gaiety, perhaps.
Alt: I'm awkward. Occasionally hugs and cheek kisses. Handshakes are for old people. And church.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:58,
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I'm part wop so I can do hugs AND kisses.most of the time I go for the fist bump or high five.
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:01,
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Glasgow kiss surely"Fucking hello mother"
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:01,
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More glasgowstani stereotpyes, this makes me sad :'(anymore of this and I'm gonna hit you so hard your kids are gonna be born bruised.
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:03,
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hahahaha!Threat of the day!
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:06,
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Manly handshakes.Whenever I work in films/theatre, I've noticed the "talent" -a loose term- always kiss cheeks, whereas the "crew", ie, us, shake hands. And no hugging either, unless reasonably drunk.
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:02, Reply)
I lost my verginaty to a women who looked like beth ditto, true story, you couldn't see the straps on her ankles because they embedded into her ankle-fat./ac
With chompy.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:05,
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the one who was so hopeless that he simply couldn't get it in might be good for TGB and her cavernous vadgeas at least he'd be able to find it. well, good for him. not for her.
otherwise, no. but i'll recommend ian huntley to quentin. perhaps he could give him a bath.
physical contact? i am VERY non-tactile, unless there is fancying involved. i especially hate being kissed on the cheek by female friends. why? why?? why do i want your lips on my skin?
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:06,
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i'd have sold that story to the paper about 8 years ago if it were true(
rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:09,
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He "loves" the Man Utd fans though, doesn't he?(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:12,
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HahahahaGood point. Think Swipey might be out of his age range though. Unless she stuck wigs on her tits and convinced him she was part of a child smuggling ring
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:15, Reply)
hahahahaha!Proper out loud officelols there, cheers
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:16,
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I'll take the twins with the big pink noses(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:16,
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can i have an afro on one and heidi plaits on the other?(
rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:16,
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I'd put the afro on the smaller one to even them upAll girls have one boob smaller than the other, right?
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:19, Reply)
allegedlyi dispute it, but nearly all my friends would agree. and apart from one, it's always the right one.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:20,
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And boy did you provide it(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:25,
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i hear that sometimes you don't even bother turning up to make the delivery(
rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:37,
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i also specified "poetry"that is more like poo-try
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:26,
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You knew that in order to appeal to SwipeYou had to make it about her.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:34,
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Yeah, but, rightmy poem makes self-mocking reference to the pandering, so it's like totally self-aware and meta, yeah?
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:35, Reply)
you're both wrongit was just better than kroney's.
then again, he did set the bar pretty fucking low!
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:36,
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BOLLOCKSI should have demanded a prize for the winner. Something bra-related.
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:37, Reply)
Many years ago I was "on the nest" with a girl from MauritiusIt was most off-putting that she had one massively long hair protuding from each nip
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:22,
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On the nest with a girl from MauritiusWith breasts that seemed quite delicious
On closer inspection
I lost my erection
On discovering her nips were quite pileous
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:30,
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is it because your face is like memory foam and the impression of the kiss lasts for ages?(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:09,
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yes, i have a head like a mattresswell spotted.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:14,
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just thought it was cause you're fat.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:15,
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I'm one of those people who puts their hand out if someone goes for a hug, or I put my arms up for a hug if someone puts their hand out.I'm the most awquard person I know.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:06,
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You didn't catch me sniffing your hair and sighing while thinking about what I'd do if our grandchildren got caught up in marowanah.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:28,
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is that like maroon 5?(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:00,
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I'd hug you gonz, I'd hug you into next week.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:10,
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I'll hug him so hard his head'll pop off and roll down the street.
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Kroney, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:12,
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I bet gonz would be great to hug.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:17,
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I'm a pretty good hug, true story. Not too tight, not to soft. Sometimes I linger it a bit, but that can't be too bad of a thing.I reckon hugging The Might Badger would be like hugging someone who just threw a glass at a wall, you'd feel so afraid and yet so secure at the same time.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:30,
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ah but I am(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:05,
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If you hug him hard, it won't be his head that pops off(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:19,
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that's like that playground rhyme with dandelions"polly had a dolly and its head popped off"
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:21,
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I think we need some kind of symble that people can wear on their jackets so it's ovbouse if they're huggers or hand shakers.I'm not entirely too sure what exactly, maybe some kind of footballer's captain black band around the upper arm. And then for huggers, something that represents that they're rich in feelings, like a gold star or something.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:27,
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Yeah', exactly, that would be perfect. People who love hugs do love transportation, but it might be a bit too expensive for the return journey.They probably won't need it, as long as they land somewhere with good facilities, like bunk beds and a shower.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:35,
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how about a yellow star, or a pink triangle?(
rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:31,
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Yeah', 'zackly !(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:35,
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A handshake is fine as long as you are not one of those wannabe alpha male typesYou know the ones, who try their best grip with excessive force and hold it that bit too long whilst looking you STRAIGHT IN THE EYES.
Also,
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:06,
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You mean closet adult babies?The type who use terms like "power nap", and the like? Arrgghh.
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:08, Reply)
Bear Pookie, they grab hold of your name.And when they're talking to you, Bear Pookie, they keep using it again and again. Have you met this type of cunt before, Bear Pookie?
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:12,
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it's a hand, not a walnut!(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:11,
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Depends if you are using the strikethrough or not(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:12,
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I do hugs and handshakes no problembut with girlfriends I am really shit at hand holding, I find it intensely irritating.
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:14, Reply)
I'd recommend Carrie-Anne for Darth, that way they could both cry about how 'beautiful' is was afterwards.(alright, that only happened once, but it was still odd). The upside to the relationship is that she was rather good looking, an astonishing singer, and absolutely filthy.
Alt: I'm both a hugger and a handshaker. I met a possible new housemate at the weekend, and met him with a handshake, the fucker was stronger than he looked, my hand ached for a while.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:18,
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No thanks Telekinetic psychopaths with rage control issues are not my bag, baby
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:20, Reply)
+ "of pigs blood"(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:03,
Reply)
i don't know anyone who would touch any of youi don't like physical contact with anyone but my girlfriend
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:43, Reply)
Aw someone needs a hug...(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:44,
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naaaaaahits just every time i reach out i get shot down, so i've learned from my mistakes :'(
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:45, Reply)
Well you know your own mum don't you?because she touched me all over my penis then i touched her inside and out
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:48,
Reply)
You've been up the same fanny as QuentinFrom this point on I shall shun thee
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:49, Reply)
after my wonderful trip to Wookey Hole I was interested in how it would compare(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:50,
Reply)
Are you saying Quentin's Mum is 7 foot tall, covered in hair and a really bad loser at chess?Because I can readily believe that
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:52, Reply)
I think everyone's pissed off again old boyThey're trying to tell us something
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:02, Reply)
no look, mighty badger's here to regale us with stories of hockey and successful marriage(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:03, Reply)
I'll not hear a word said against the BadgerHave a go at James Corden instead, easy pickings
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:05, Reply)
i wasn't having a go, i've ordered a hockey shirt with mighty badger ritten on the backand shaved my head and propsed to my girlfriend to be just like him
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:07, Reply)
try ordering a few more IQ points (like 100)and a dictionary. and some wit.
then you might get halfway there.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:08,
Reply)
I'm pretty sure none of them would touch any of you.soz guys.
although the two that swapped sides might take on swipe, who knows?
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:02,
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Hey badger, how's the arm?has it been pinned/plated etc?
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:04,
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thursday, apparently(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:06,
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If you like.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:05,
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As it's you, I'm choosing to believe that they did so mid-coitus but still let you have a go(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:07, Reply)
Turned would imply that he helpedI would suggest they volunteered after a few sweaty minutes of the Badger Love
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:05, Reply)
could be.or it could be that no other man could possibly compare so they stopped looking.
or it could be what it actually is, which is they have both always been Bi, but there's no good story in that.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:09,
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there would have beenif you'd done them both at once.
i don't think you thought this through.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:09,
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contrary to all porn theorybeing bi doesn't automatically make you up for a threesome. who knew?
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:11,
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I know, right?I was also remonstrated with by a bi female friend when I bemoaned the lack of hot lesbians after observing a Pride march through Norwich last summer. Apparently "the point of the march is not to provide you with hot lesbians".
Someone's missed the point completely there, haven't they.
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:16, Reply)
What have they got to be proud about if they're not hot, eh?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:17,
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ExactlyIf they're going to ignore God's commandment to procreate they ought to at least give us something to think about when we're donating to sperm banks. We're redressing the balance.
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:19, Reply)
I would go with the middle optionAnd thats waht I would tell everyone...
However it would be a lie
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:16, Reply)
Also;A-Ha's privately-funded re-recorded verion of their most popular and enduring song, to be played as Swipey enters the bedroom
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:06, Reply)
we'd still need someone to hold the camera(
rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:06,
Reply)
For. Fucks. Sake. Swipe.You couldn't be any more desperate for attention if you tried.
You remind me of the girl i saw at my girlfriend's office at lunch, she had on 6" heels, low cut, short dress, shitloads of makeup, cheap perfume, absolutely no awareness that she's completely undermining the role of the professional woman in the work place
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:09, Reply)
you turn up at your gf's office at lunchtime?ffs you clingy needy desperate not to be alone for 5 mins neckless waste of space, let her enjoy a few hours without you.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:13,
Reply)
we are in love, i'm not seeing her tonight so it was just a quick visitdo you know what its like to be in love you fat mess?
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:14, Reply)
or to translate:waaaah wahhhhhhh i can't be by myself for even 5 mins, so i turned up to annoy her.
bet her colleagues are pissing themselves.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:17,
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it should be the crashing sound of silence as you ignore me, darling(
rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:22,
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