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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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"Oh shit it's mothers day soon"
Poor Monty has to shell out twice:(

Do you respect the "Hallmark Holidays" or is it a big pile of wank?

alt: Gonna take the mrs on a spa day, anyone been on one or have an amusing anecdote? (this is mainly for swipe i guess)

altalt: stick your cock up your arse yeah?
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:14, 199 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
I thinnk this can be deemed a success

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:15, Reply)
If I sent gifts to all the women who have at one point or other been my 'mother' I'd have to buy four
:o(

alt: no fuck off
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:18, Reply)
office lol
What's up Montague? Good weekend planned?
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:19, Reply)
Brizzle innit.
Should be fun but I'm really down in the dumps today, I ent gonna lie I am properly struggling.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:21, Reply)
gaz me up bebbeh

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:26, Reply)
I have done this.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:32, Reply)
i have replied to this x

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:51, Reply)
I love my ma I do
so I always get her daffodils and a card from card cavern
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:21, Reply)
is it mainly for me because i can't comment on mothers day? :(
of course i've been on hundreds of them. i fucking love a bit of spa-day action. nicest two are the scarlet in cornwall (outdoor hot tub on a cliff top and even a lovely 5 star is not v expensive) and the five bubble spa moddershall oaks in stone.

worst anecdote: booked the sanctuary in london for part of my friend's hen do. as it's £100 per person before you even get into treatments, the girls had to book their own. which they did. when i rang up to book for me (bridesmaid) and the bride.... they were fully fucking booked..... i had to get one of the other girls to give up her place to the bride and take her out for afternoon tea instead.

best anecdote: the sanctuary has a sleep retreat. on a different weekend, my friend booked us in for 11am. ridiculous, i said. who the fuck can sleep at 11am? 2 seconds later... zzzzzzzzzzz.......
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:25, Reply)
pls miss whats a sleep retreat is it just a bed

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:28, Reply)
+ a handful of barbituates

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:31, Reply)
poor rachelswipe
has to go off to cornwall just to get a bit of shuteye
didn't realise lawyers were so hard up these days
broken britain :(
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:37, Reply)
It's the children I feel sorry for.


No, sorry, The other one. Get turned on by.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:38, Reply)
no
it's a dark room with candles and beds with velvet soft covers. the beds emit some sort of waves that make you sleepy (you can't go on if you're pregnant). then they play you some kind of relaxtion tape.

it sounded like a load of shitbollocks. i struggle to sleep, only sleep about 4 hours a night normally, but this worked like a fucking treat.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:53, Reply)
they probably rifle through your purse when you're snoozing
I would
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:54, Reply)
+ spam

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:56, Reply)
That's horrid
I would never ram my grubby fat fingers up her foetid mimsy
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:08, Reply)
it'd be like a piglet diving into peaches and cream

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:09, Reply)
Be like Pooh getting stuck grabbing some honey
Except the honey is now rotting ham
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:10, Reply)
poor piglet

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:12, Reply)
eeyore never fed him :(

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:13, Reply)
you'd find
a debit card, about 50p in cash, and a metric fucktonne of old receipts.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:00, Reply)
I could with 50p, need to get the bus home

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:05, Reply)
I lie, like I would ever get on a bus

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:05, Reply)
i quite like london buses
on the strict conditions that: (i) there are no other passengers; (ii) they do not smell; and (iii) there is no traffic.

these pre-conditions are rarely met.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:09, Reply)
+ two ginsters pies and a bottle of hair die.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:11, Reply)
I buy my Mum some flowers and a card cos she gets upset if I don't
That's about it really

alt: shit in the hot tub

altalt: can't my bot bot is too far away :(:(:(:(
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:26, Reply)
Not an issue for me!
We ignored the actual day, but the missus and I did have a nice weekend the week before Valentine's day, just to make a small effort.

Alt: No

AltAlt: No.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:27, Reply)
I done some spa stuff.
It was pretty nice, just wander around getting different kinds of wet.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:28, Reply)
Reminds me of that time I went round your mum's, she was exactly the same
but without the wandering.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:36, Reply)
I am going to understand this as
She was a house whale and covered in sweat
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:48, Reply)
I think it's more important what your Mum thinks of it
If she thinks it's worth a card, it's worth £2.50 to stop her getting upset. She's your Mum FFS.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:30, Reply)
I didn't say I wasn't going to do anything!


i wasn't though
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:35, Reply)
You shitfelching cuntbubble

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:36, Reply)
WEE-WEE TAPIR!!!!!!!

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:37, Reply)
you're cheering up already!

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:38, Reply)
YOU FART AYE-AYE!!!!!!

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:38, Reply)
EAR WAX ECHIDNA!!!!

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:39, Reply)
fuck it, i'll send an e-card or summit
actually i need to get her a birthday present for tomorrow...no fucking idea what to get. Vouchers maybe
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:37, Reply)
Aye, nothing says personal touch
like a tenner that you can only spend in certain shops.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:40, Reply)
Greggs voucher BEBBEH!

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:40, Reply)
It's the gift that gives from both ends

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:42, Reply)
I'm not getting my mum a double ended dildo

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:43, Reply)
Tell her it's a snake
that feeds on FANNY JUICE
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:45, Reply)
she's 66, she'll be dryer than a dead dingo's dong

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:47, Reply)
She wasn't last night etc
I need more coffee
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:49, Reply)
I FEEL SICK

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:50, Reply)
do spas do happy endings?

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:46, Reply)
I dunno, I'll email duncan bannatyne and ask

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:47, Reply)
Is that your cock in my ass?
No, I'm out.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:51, Reply)
Spas are rubbish
take the £300 and fuck off down the pub
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:50, Reply)
can't, i can only spend it through our dedicated travel agency
you should do something nice for mother's day for your wife, might get you some brownie points.

By brownie points, I'm not suggesting you'll go from sleeping on a mates couch straight to anal btw
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:51, Reply)
The best of all the bus rides.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:53, Reply)
She's not my mother.
Kids should get her something. Besides I got fuck all for fathers day.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:54, Reply)
that's kind of what i meant, do something from/with your kids saying what a good mum she is
trust me on this one PJ
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:55, Reply)
Nah, they're on their own.
They should get their pre-school arses down the town centre and buy their own fucking card.

Kids are such freeloaders.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:07, Reply)
Lie you mean?

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:20, Reply)
if you must

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:22, Reply)
No one likes hearing the truth.
Especially not in a mother's day card.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:25, Reply)
Dear Mummy,
Thank you for being such a great mummy, we don't mind that you hit daddy and kicked him out, he's a right cunt anyway,

Love Optimus Prime and Skeletor
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:26, Reply)
And here we have Post Of The Day everybody.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:28, Reply)
I liked it
If only for Optimus Prime and Skeletor.
They're not even in my top ten favourite kids.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:34, Reply)
Stay about from my kids!

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:39, Reply)
I feel bad that you're having a tough time recently.
But you're being good value on here at the moment.
So... Swings and roundabouts
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:45, Reply)
It seems more than fair that others should get some enjoyment from my misery
I've been enjoying you lots agony for years.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:50, Reply)
Hang about
She hit you? I know she's only a slip of a thing and you're a MACHO MACHO MAN but all the same. That's bang out of order.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:33, Reply)
It does say that he's a right cunt and probably deserved it and all.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:35, Reply)
Hang on, Al's our resident cunt
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:36, Reply)
I'm pretty sure that's why Monty's ex didn't get prosecuted.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:36, Reply)
Yeh, thankfully shes not very strong
I bought it up in the counselling and she seems to only recall one time three weeks ago but I remember at least 5 occasions where she's lost it and lashed out.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:40, Reply)
Christ mate
Take her to the fucking cleaners

I mean in the counselling, don't batter her
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:43, Reply)
HADDOCK LOLS

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:44, Reply)
Your heart's not in this punning game
You have to really try, there's no point in posting for the halibut
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:47, Reply)
He has the heart, he just doesn't have the sole

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:48, Reply)
Spare me your cod psycology

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:50, Reply)
Learn to know your plaice

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:51, Reply)
Can't I just demand anal and a few noshes in reparations?

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:47, Reply)
If only the French government in the 1920s had shared your enterprising attitude

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:50, Reply)
They could have avoided WWII if they had just accepted a Nosh from one of the three attractive German birds at the time
and a bit of anal from a couple of German 5 pinters
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:52, Reply)
We need to go back in time and suggest this to them
We'll take a video camera and kickstart Germany's main export business
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:54, Reply)
Alt: somethingsomething Spar sausage roll.
Mothering Sunday isn't a hallmark holiday at all though, it's very traditional, isn't it? it was one of the few days domestic staff were allowed off to go home and visit their families.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:54, Reply)
fucking staff and they "day off" I should fire the lot of them
RELEASE THE HOUNDS
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:55, Reply)
I feel a bit manic today, i wonder if wilf can lend me some liuthium

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 11:58, Reply)
I will get my wife something 'from' our daughter.
My own mother will get fuck all. As I have stated here previously; she's a complete cunt.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:06, Reply)
I think we need more details on this

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:07, Reply)
imagine battered in a wig
what more do you need?
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:08, Reply)
Ok; I will probably get my wife a card (that my daughter can scribble in), flowers and some other gift. Nothing too OTT as it's my wife's birthday only a week or so beforehand.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:09, Reply)
more details on why your mum is a cunt

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:10, Reply)
Widely broadcast here before; not going to bore everyone with it again.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:12, Reply)
The older and skinter I get, the less I approve of them.
We let Valentine's Day pass without a nod, we only do xmas presents for the grandkids (and each other in the January sales), and I don't qualify for Mother's Day cards.

If I don't send my mum a card though, there'll be hell to pay.

Alt: I had a foot massage once. It was rather awesome. If I was one of these 'woman about town' types, I'd have one every week.

AltAlt: haven't got one, and I'm not using anyone else's.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:06, Reply)
we have "urban chill" people come round the office to do massages sometimes, neck and shoulder i think
i've never taken them up on it
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:08, Reply)
we have a treatment room, with a masseur every weds and Chiropodist every friday
£27 for an hour massage
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:09, Reply)
We have a German woman come in to smash up yer back
She's a hundred years old, never bothered
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:11, Reply)
Do you get an oily wank as part of that?

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:12, Reply)
no, that's what interns are for

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:12, Reply)
Fuckin' 'ell.
Is this what people do in the world of work these days? No wonder they don't want to let a pleb like me join their little gang.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:37, Reply)
Don't care.
Alt: No, Soz. Why would I have been to a spa?
Altalt: Bit awkward trying that here. I'm in a car park outside some caves and I've got a sleeping baby with me.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:10, Reply)
Just hidden the body of your wife eh?

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:12, Reply)
Mum's the word

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:13, Reply)
why aren't you at work anyway?

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:14, Reply)
On holiday.
Staying in a little castle in Gloucestershire.
It's fucking freezing.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:18, Reply)
sounds great!

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:18, Reply)
It's shit
Still, kids are happy.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:23, Reply)
Parenthood is great!

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:24, Reply)
\o/
I'm so tired.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:28, Reply)
I'll be giving your mum a 'present' though.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:11, Reply)
Textbook response.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:12, Reply)
I haven't read the whole thread, so I might be repeating something someone else said,
But, Monty only has one mum. They didn't perform some sort of weird duel birth, creating half a child each. Nob.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:28, Reply)
You mean when he was born they didn't slam him immediately up the chuff of another bird?

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:30, Reply)
I thought his Mum literally birthed him astride her lezzer bird's fanny
so he umbilical bungeed from one gash to another, thus making him immune to homosexuality, except in his achilles tendon which is like vulnerable to mild tickling and boy bands.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:32, Reply)
maybe it came out with such force he was fired into the fanny in the bed opposite
I imagine the maternity ward is like a room full of exotic dancers and a load of ping pong balls
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:33, Reply)
You and I should team up
We could write top-notch erotic fiction
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:34, Reply)
It could be over the course of monty's life
like that time he was accidentally used as a double ender
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:38, Reply)
Nah see he was born in the Mattel Hot Wheels ward
When he was fired out of Mum a)'s fanny, he curved at high velocity round a cheap plastic racetrack and popped into Mum b)'s gaping vag, ready to be baked for another fourteen months.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:37, Reply)
We're definitely on to something here
Monty himself is suspiciously silent on the matter, I reckon you've struck FACT GOLD
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:41, Reply)
Or we're all on 2.0
TERRIBLE BULLYING
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:44, Reply)
Bullying by passivity
Worst of all the internet abuse forms
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:47, Reply)
maybe it's the reverse of the creepy 'buy your mum a valentine's card' trend
and he's going to buy his partner a 'I wuv oo mumsy' card with a '#1 Breast Feeder' pin badge on the front
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:31, Reply)
Nob?
:o(
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:40, Reply)
nobby nobby nob nose, likes to put his winky up the garden hose.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:54, Reply)
He makes a fair point here, Nakers.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:56, Reply)
Fucking hell I am KNACKERED
I don't know why this has only just occurred to me. Does occurred have two R's? It looks funny both ways.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:30, Reply)
because it's what pirates make out of their extra lemons

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:34, Reply)
and spread on their toast

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:34, Reply)
I'm going for lemon occurred

pirates traditionally use more rs
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:35, Reply)
I admire a man who ploughs his own furrow

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:35, Reply)
How do you think it's going so far?

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:38, Reply)
they spread the toast during a previous instance that arose

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:39, Reply)
Just spell it however you like and god will take care of the rest xx

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:38, Reply)
I'm pretty sure that's Nakers' attitude towards life
I assume there are worse role models but I'm kippered if I can think of any
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:40, Reply)
I've got a bit of a haddock today

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:40, Reply)
I just referenced a haddock in my FB post
This is amazing, you're either psychic or one of the dozens of "friends" who I don't have a clue as to where I know them from
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:42, Reply)
I don't even have a facebook

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:42, Reply)
Oh man you're missing out
It's like Twitter for needy attention seekers with no ability to truncate
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:44, Reply)
I don't have a twitter either

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:44, Reply)
Good
It's totally fucking pointless
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:46, Reply)
I don't even use b3ta really

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:47, Reply)
Oh man you're missing out
It's like mumsnet for sane people
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:51, Reply)
I made an account on mumsnet, set it up to show my fake children, everything
was going to be a hippy
couldn't be arsed in the end
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:52, Reply)
Undercover trolling
Like it. Although you're basically copying what the bloke calling himself Rachelswipe is doing here.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:55, Reply)
It's all going on there at the moment
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1689320-to-think-that-KitKat-could-have-thought-up-some-more-interesting-flavours
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:57, Reply)
My sister answered a mumsnet question about whether it was ok to leave your two year old in the bath unattended for hours
My sister said no and the woman found out she lived in the same town, found a mutual acquaintance, got my sisters address and went over and threatened to kick the shit out of her for calling her a bad parent. Full of mentals mumsnet.
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 13:00, Reply)
Fucking hell.

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 13:01, Reply)
And theobans there too now

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 13:02, Reply)
Christ
I'm not having kids and I'm a better parent than that mental bitch
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 13:02, Reply)
Neither do the Winklewoss twins

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:44, Reply)
I get this reference because I saw the film

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:45, Reply)
it's very witty

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:46, Reply)
its occurred

(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:54, Reply)
Hey I put an image in the image compo
Why don't you all make me feel better about living out of a backpack by voting for it! Also, send booze!
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:53, Reply)
wow
look at that fab sparkly new thread....
(, Thu 21 Feb 2013, 12:57, Reply)

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