I'm bored

So please tell me joke containing an animal, best one gets a cookie.

My attempt in the reply
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:05, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A man goes to the doctor complaining of a rather embarrassing problem he is having.

Doc: “What seems to be the problem young man?”

Man: “It’s a bit embarrassing really.”

Doc: “Well everything you tell me is in the strictest confidence”

Man: “Ok, well you see, I got drunk last night and broke into the zoo, and while I was stumbling around I climbed a fence and ended up in the elephant enclosure and, and I was raped by and elephant and now me arsehole is gaping!”

Doc: “Well that is odd as I seem to recall that elephants while having very long penises also have very thin penises, it shouldn’t have done too much damage…”

Man: “You’re right, but the bastard fingered me first!”
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:05, Reply)

man walks into a bar
with a cat and a stork then orders 3 pints of beer, one for him, one for the cat and one for the stork.

After they are consumed man turns to the cat and says "your round"

"fuck off" replies the cat, so the Stork buys a round of beers.


After they are consumed Stork turns to the cat and says "your round"

"fuck off" replies the cat, so the man buys a round of beers.

this goes on for some time with a more an more perplexed barstaff who eventually plucks up the courage to ask the man what on earth is going on

Man looks at him, sighs deeply and says "I found a genie in a bottle, and for my wish i asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:09, Reply)

a different man walks into a bar
with a giraffe. He proceeds to buy two large vodkas, downing one himself and sliding the other to the giraffe.

Several doubles later, the giraffe can't take any more and keels over. The guy shrugs, finishes his drink and heads for the door. The barman shouts

"Hoy you, you can't leave that lyin' there," pointing.

"That's not a lion, it's a giraffe"
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:14, Reply)

A polar bear walks into a bar
and says to the barman, 'I'll have a pint of bitter please























































and a packet of pork scratchings.'

The barman replies, 'Why the big pause?'
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:17, Reply)

.
Two monkeys in a bath
One says "Oooh ooh ah ah!"
The other says "Well put some cold water in then!"
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:18, Reply)

2 fish in a tank
one looks at the other and says






















Nigel, do you ever wonder why we bother?
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:20, Reply)

Batty
Blood, a young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:30, Reply)

A man has an awful secret that is eating him up inside
He has a micro penis and it is blighting his love life, that is until he decides to do something radical.

He hears of an experimental new procedure whereby he can have part of an elephants trunk grafted onto him to form a mighty youghurt rifle!

The man has the surgery and feels great, if a little sore. in fact he is so happy with teh results he asks out Francine from accounts in weeks time.

As the week goes on the swelling reduces and the scars heal and our man begins to feel the familiar rumblings of lust in his loins.

When the big night comes he is sat opposite the lovely Francine and as it's been such a long time since he had any action he is already straining at the leash.

Things get worse with wine, he can feel his new appendage squirming and when his date delicately nibbles at a bread stick he can take it no longer!

His enraged phallus bursts forth from his trousers, shoots up above the table grabs a bread roll and disappears back into his trousers!

"Wow, thats amazing", squeled Francine, "can you do it again?"

"I think so", relpies the man, "only I'm not sure I can fit another roll up my arse!"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:32, Reply)

A duck...
....strolls into Boots, walks up to the counter and says to the assistant, 'A tube of cherry chapstick please'.

The young lady frowns, looks at the duck, bags the item and says 'that will be £1.39 please'.

To which the duck replies...

'Will you do me a favour and put it on my bill?'
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:36, Reply)

A snail
crawls into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails', picks him up and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says 'What did you do that for!?'
(gin'll fix it, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:42, Reply)

Stupid one.
A man goes in a pub looking real bad-tempered and orders 2 whiskeys, drinks one and pours the other into his shirt pocket.
The barman says, "Excuse me mate, why did you just do that?".
"None of your business you twunt, I've been looking for a fight all day now get me 2 whiskeys." Came the reply.
He does the same, drinks 1 and pours the other into his shirt pocket. Again the barman asks "Why did you do that?"
"I told you it's none of your business, I've been looking for a fight all day and if you poke your nose in again I'll take you outside, now get me 2 more whiskeys."
As predicted, he did the same again.
The barman couldn't help himself and said again "Look mate your behaviour's somewhat disturbing, why do you keep doing that?"
The man looked up and said "That's it, I warned you not to poke your nose in my business, get round the bar, get outside and I'm going to give you a proper hiding"
With that a mouse popped out of his shirt pocket and said "Yeah, and bring yer f*cking cat
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:43, Reply)

This duck walks into a bar...


A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we have no bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread. This is a pub not a fucking bakers."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, are you fucking deaf or daft? We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating little cunt."

(Pause)

Duck: "Got any nails?"

Barman:"No"

(Pause)

Duck: "Got any bread?
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:47, Reply)

What do you call
a cross between an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino.

(Say it aloud.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:49, Reply)

*gears top whirring*
I just cant get that loon no matter how many ways I try to pronounce it =[

*finds an explanation on the web*

*groans*
( Captain V, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:55, Reply)

Standing at the side of the road
is a duck, he looks left, he looks right.
Just then a chicken wanders along and whispers in the ducks ear:

"Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it"
(bill, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 17:08, Reply)

A White Horse walks into a bar.
The barman says ‘Ere, I’ve got a whisky names after you’

The horse says ‘What? Gerald?’







(Bill, your one is awesome, i am stealing it)
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 17:41, Reply)

A chinese man
walks into a pub with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder and goes up to the bar.

The barman says: That's nice, where'd you get it?

The parrot replies: China, there's a billion of them...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 17:42, Reply)

How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

this one makes me giggle every time
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 18:22, Reply)

^giggles.
.
( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 18:37, Reply)

Duck wanders into a bar.
"Pint of lager and some prork scratchings mate" says the duck.

The barman is a bit stunned by this. "We don't get many talking ducks around here", he says. "What brings you to these parts?"

"I'm working on the building site over the road", says the duck.

"Building site? With your talents, you should be in showbiz", states the barman. The duck just shrugs, finishes his pint and waddles off.

Later that night, the barman's mate comes in, who happens to be a showbiz agent. The barman excitedly tells his friend about the talking duck, and the agent agrees enthusiastically that he should sign him up, the pound signs flashing before his eyes.

Next day the duck returns, and orders a pint of lager and a bag of pork scratchings. The barman excitedly tells the duck about his mate. "I had a chat with him last night, he thinks you could make a fortune. The circus is in town, he can get you a gig there and see how it goes".

The duck thinks about this for a moment, takes a pull from his pint, and says, "the circus?"

The barman nods.

"That big tent where they have animals and clowns and stuff?"

The barman nods again.

The duck takes another sip of his pint, looking at the barman quizzically.

"What the hell would a circus want with a plasterer?"
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 19:06, Reply)

The Elephant
went to the camel and said "Why do you have two boobs on your back?"

And the camel replied "That's a pretty stupid question from someone who has a dick on thier face!"
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 21:50, Reply)

A lorry driver
Has just got off the motorway and is trundling down a country road.

Out of nowhere a frog jumps out and bounces off his windscreen.

Briefly startled, the driver regains his composure, when suddenly another frog jumps out at him.

And then another, and another. Now quite disturbed, the driver turns on the windscreen wipers and presses on. Surely these frogs must give up at some point?

But they don't. The frogs seem to be jumping up in greater and greater numbers, thicker and faster the more he drives on.

Eventually he has to stop. He applies the brakes and the lorry grinds to a halt. The deluge of frogs is settled all around and all over his lorry.

He leans his head out of the window.

"What the hell is all this about? Why do you keep jumping up at my lorry?"

One of the frogs replies
"Do you want to buy a wardrobe?"
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 22:58, Reply)

I win the best joke
But I do feel a strange urge to buy a wardrobe.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 23:53, Reply)

A man walks into a pub with three ducks
'You can't bring those in here,' says the barman.

'Oh really?' the man replies, 'What if I were to tell you that they are magic, talking ducks...?'

The barman looked back, puzzled. 'Ok, go ahead, ask them anything you like and they'll answer.'

The barman, feeling a bit silly, but hoping to get rid of the obvious nutter, asks the first duck, 'Hi there little duck, what's your name, and what have you been doing today?'

To his astonishment, the duck replies, 'My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.'

'Fuck me!' exclaimed the barman, but just to be sure, he asked the same question of the second duck, and it replied, 'My name's Duey, and I've had a fantastic day, going in and out of puddles.'

'Well blow me,' says the barman in disbelief, 'and I suppose your name is Louie, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles too?'

'No,' replies the third duck, 'My name's Puddles, and I've had a fucking awful day.'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:10, Reply)