Who's guilty of pretending to be something they're not?
Many years ago I used to go out drinking with a couple of girls and we would chat to guys pretending to be a vet or doctor or tree surgeon. We would see how long we could keep up the charade until we were rumbled. Ah happy times.
( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:27, 253 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I think we're all guilty of that
I've been pretending to be a 40-something Scottish bloke on here, whereas in reality I'm actually a 19 year old girl with perfect breasts who walks around naked at every available opportunity.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:36, Reply)

What a coincidence!
I pretend to be a 19 year old with perfect breasts who walks around naked at every available opportunity, but in reality I'm actually 40-something Scottish bloke.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:39, Reply)

Bloody hell!
Would you believe it?!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:40, Reply)

It's true
my pole dancing classes with her are just horrific.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:48, Reply)

and by pole dancing you mean this
tommcmahon.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/06/25/polishdancers2.jpg
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:55, Reply)

I used to know a lass who did polish dancing
Least sexy dance I've seen, including the Silence of the Lambs one.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:59, Reply)

you've obviously never seen 40 year old scottish Applebite poledancing then

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:00, Reply)

Wasn't it you who wanted to see me poledance in my kilt?
Ok, maybe it was you who said you DIDN'T, but my memory is selective.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:02, Reply)

I've never tried pole dancing
Maybe I should give it a go.

Naked, of course.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:05, Reply)

As a nubile young 19yr old you should be excellent at it.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:06, Reply)

I was thinking that.
*phones pole supplier*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:07, Reply)

I recommend it as a form of exercise
in self-harm
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Truefact.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:11, Reply)

that doesn't sound like something I would say
but Chompy should be along shortly with the link.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:18, Reply)

you all know how to use search
although I do kind of remember it.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:19, Reply)

to be fair
it was only about three days ago.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:04, Reply)

*sadface*

(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:02, Reply)

lols

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:03, Reply)

how are you I'm tired and hungover
you have to be nice to me today.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:06, Reply)

No. I don't.
I'm tired and stressed and have an exam at one.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:07, Reply)

ok then, you automatically win any argument you want to start today
so there's no need to bother.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Good.


Loser.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:12, Reply)

yes dear

(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Gah
That's no fun. I'm going to fuck off and revise.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:21, Reply)

Good, do some work and good luck in your exam.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:35, Reply)

my head hurts
and I haven't even done anything fun to deserve it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:19, Reply)

I had two people having a domestic outside my house at 4:30am until 6am.
It wasn't too bad they weren't screaming or anything but it was so quiet at that time of the morning I could hear every bloody word. Stupid people.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:20, Reply)

What was it about?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:21, Reply)

something about him not respecting her
then it desended to an hour of personal insults ending in her trying to punch him and missing and him pushing her on the floor.
Both seemed to think this was worthy of pressing assault charges.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:24, Reply)

you should have assaulted them both
I've heard some great arguments in the street. Best comment was some bloke shouting "where have you been you slag?"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:27, Reply)

I was going to say "you're both gonna 'ave to charge me wiv assault in a minnit!"
but I only thought of that about an hour after it stoped.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:28, Reply)

that is a crying shame

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:31, Reply)

I'm surprised stuff like that happens in such an idyllic town
as Milton Keynes. Surely everyone skips down the street hand in hand shitting out rainbows.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:33, Reply)

We let some northeners in on tourist visas

(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:33, Reply)

if you were hoping to burn me with that it won't work
I'm from Dorset.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:34, Reply)

meh, it'll piss off roota if she sees it.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:38, Reply)

If they were stupid enough to go to Milton Keynes
Then I'm glad we got rid of them.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:38, Reply)

I was going to link to a 2 meg picture of MK then
from the tourism website, but I've decided against it.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:40, Reply)

I bet the tourism website for MK
is your home page.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:03, Reply)

Until Deagostini make
"I Love Concrete Cows", anyway...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:08, Reply)

It was about whose turn it was
to stand outside Chompy's all night annoying him.

The amount we all pay them, I think they should just do it with good grace, personally.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:24, Reply)

there are some workmen outside digging up the pavement and the lights are really bright in here
I feel like I'm in a Nurofen advert.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:31, Reply)

Don't worry, any minute now, some super hot, tanned, muscly man is going to walk out of the lift with a crate of soft drinks and-
Oh, no wait, sorry that's the Diet Coke advert.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:36, Reply)

Sexist ads
You wouldn't get away with the the rever- oh, wait, Lynx adverts...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:38, Reply)

see also
head and shoulders ad
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Is that a new one? I rarely watch tv
There was one about women eating some 'light' snack, then nicking a bloke's towel so he had to walk by the pool naked? Filth and petty criminal behavior...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:06, Reply)

that is shocking.
this new diet coke one has ugly puppets that look like Bratz dolls and they all start table dancing. There is an almost-cool bit where one of them throws a coin into the vending machine from across the room, but it is far outweighed by the creepiness.

I like the Lynx adverts. I liked the old one that had that bloke backpacking and he fell down a tunnel and ended up in a prehistoric setting where all the women had fur bras on.

There was another one with a guy on an empty subway and the woman is pressed up against him like it's really crowded.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Some of the Lynx ones can be clever
And are almost always tongue-in-cheek, so I quite like them. Plus, scantily clad fit chicks are always good.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:39, Reply)

the new diet coke ad is creepy
with the creepy dancing puppets of creepiness
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:05, Reply)

I have been the victim of this crime.
A couple of girls my mates and I were trying to impress, pretended to be german. I gave one of them my hand carved woggle.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:53, Reply)

I bet you did.

( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:55, Reply)

I've only fallen for this trick several times.
Perhaps I trigger this sort of defence in women.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:59, Reply)

Can't say I have, thinking about it.
One I thing I am definitely incapable of pretending to be is NOT FUCKING PLEASED TO BE GOING ON HOLIDAY TOMORROW.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:57, Reply)

have you packed your speedos?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:00, Reply)

They're in the suitcase
wrapped round his Bowie CDs.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:01, Reply)

My tweed speedos?
Or 'tweedos' as I think they should be called.

*files patent*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Genius at this time in the morning?
You excel yourself, sir.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:02, Reply)

Why, thank you, Master Mingelips.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:03, Reply)

Imagine how long
a pair of tweedos™ would take to dry!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:03, Reply)

superb

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:13, Reply)

Hooray! I hope it goes well.

( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Me too.
I am somewhat scared.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:02, Reply)

Go and have a good time, and stop whinging.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:01, Reply)

NEVERRRRRRR!!!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:02, Reply)

And don't shag the ex.

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:04, Reply)

Well nothing beyond fingering.....OK.
*is surprised at my ability to be uncouth*
( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:05, Reply)

*is similarly surprised*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:23, Reply)

*is not*

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:28, Reply)

*laughs at tranny's inability to spot sarcasm*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:32, Reply)

Well duh

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:33, Reply)

^ worst 'Grease' medley EVER.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:36, Reply)

^ Shirter

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:42, Reply)

*hand-jives*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:47, Reply)

it took me ages to work out where I'd seen the First Lady from the West Wing
turns out she was Rizzo. She rocks.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Rizzo was a slut
BUNG!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:08, Reply)

she was a tart with heart

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:20, Reply)

I really, really don't want to.
I picked them up from the station last night, fresh from their PREVIOUS holiday to Spain, and, even though she looked extraordinarily attractive with her Mediterranean tan, when we got to her house, her neighbours were having a party and I saw her dark side come out big time.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:12, Reply)

She used the force on them?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Nothing would surprise me, to be honest.
The force, or 'a knife'....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:15, Reply)

There's stacks of old ruins for you to visit.
and the WW2 sites.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:07, Reply)

This is what I am after, Bartles.
None of your Brits-abroad peasantry for me.


*turns nose up*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Just avoid the Raki

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:26, Reply)

I'd rather drink pool cleaner.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:32, Reply)

Speaking of Brits abroad
If you wanted to fill your time, I'm sure there are plenty of obnoxious British tourists loitering around Crete who need a good Facepunching.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:36, Reply)

I'm taking my tweed knuckledusters
and sword-stick.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:40, Reply)

I notice a running theme of tweed
This isn't a nod to your secret admiration for Jarvis "Cockend" Cocker, is it?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I used to hate him
but once he'd done that Michael Jackson stage invasion thing I have nothing bad to say about the fellow.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:03, Reply)

That's a good point actually
Pretentious bell-end he might be, but with that stage invasion, I think he spoke for all of us by upstaging that mincing plasticated paedophile.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Nope, never
Oh, except for every time I LARP, where i pretend to be a samurai/zombie/assassin/Greek philosopher/black ops commando etc...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Whenever I go out, I pretend to be this wild, drunken flirting machine who'll pull anyone.
But really I'm very shy and quiet and want nothing more than to be in bed by half nine with a hot chocolate and antiques roadsh-Ha, no sorry. I can't even pretend to pull that one off.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:06, Reply)

Hmm
chocolate cock

Too easy
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:08, Reply)

"too easy"
That's a bit harsh... true though, she is.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Haha
On the ball already today, aren't you
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:20, Reply)

I don't feel it
It was a real struggle to get out of bed today.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:24, Reply)

I didn't have a problem, but I didn't want to.
Mother rang my landline (which is as far away from the bed as possible) at half seven.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:28, Reply)

I spent Reading festival one year pretending to be Californian.
I was a bit under the influence and though it would be a good idea. On the final day a couple of girls came to say goodbye before my flight back to the states and heard me talking in my Cornish voice. They were a lot more angry than I thought they would be. I also once convinced my Irish mates sister that I was also Irish and she believed me. I'm not too bad at accents. But my favourite wasn't me at all. I was an IT techie at a school and we had a staff Christmas do. We were all spread out over random tables. My then girlfriend and I were on a table with Ryan from the photocopying room, his girlfriend and two school governors. Ryan was asked what he did at the school and with a totally straight face told them he was a science teacher and kept it up all night getting as cheesy as possible with such lines as "I find it so fulfilling to pass my knowledge on to the next generation" and "Seeing a child succeed is worth more than any payment" Those statements alone should have given it away, all the real teachers were saying "Fucking little shits, glad to have a couple of weeks off" and "They don't pay us enough for this shit"
( Peej, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:06, Reply)

I had a friend who pretended to be from Texas when she chatted up some guy.
The trouble was he wanted to see her again and she kept the charade up for a week or two until she got fed up having to remember to have a Texan accent. She finally told him but he laughed and said he wasn't that bothered.
( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:09, Reply)

...and then dumped her for having a personality disorder.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:18, Reply)

My friend broke up with his girlfriend yesterday because her depression was "getting him down"
which I thought was extra sensitive and grown up.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Wasn't it just.
I imagine her abject misery weas really tiresome.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:31, Reply)

TYPO!

(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:32, Reply)

RUNARAAAAAAAHNDD!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:34, Reply)

can appreciate where he is coming from though
who wants some depressed bird harshing their buzz?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:31, Reply)

she's very pretty

(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:37, Reply)

in that case, what on earth was he thinking?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:39, Reply)

Beauty only goes so far
It can't always make up for the irrationality, guilt trips and impenetrable miasma of apathy that serious, unchecked depression can bring.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:40, Reply)

that may be true
but still there's a better way to break up with someone than saying they're getting you down.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:46, Reply)

I agree with you there
Tact and diplomacy are called for, like a text saying "Ur dumped lol".
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:47, Reply)

I once accidentally dumped someone by text
I was 17 and I still feel horrible about it now.

I texted my friend to say I was thinking of breaking up with the boyfriend because I just didn't fancy him anymore. I then sent that to him like an idiot.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:09, Reply)

Smooth
I got dumped by my first girlfriend by a note passed by her to me through a friend.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:17, Reply)

That's harsh.
I genuinely didn't mean to do it and I feel really guilty about it, it must have been horrible. Especially since I just wrote "I don't fancy him anymore". And he didn't believe that it was an accident, nor did his mates and they pretty much hated me after that.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:18, Reply)

I don't blame them
But I believe you when you say it was just a mistake. Still, at least you ended it abruptly!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:25, Reply)

I met up with him a few days later and tried to explain
about how we were really different and he was older than me so we wanted very different things, etc., and he just went "yeah, or you just don't fancy me anymore". It didn't go well.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Well, you tried
A lot of folk wouldn't bother.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:40, Reply)

oh yeah
you gonna be her shoulder to cry on?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:08, Reply)

I've got some people coming over for dinner tonight
I might invite her.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:13, Reply)

tell her how insensitive her ex is
and how you would never do that.

Then ply her with alcoholic creme brulee.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:17, Reply)

Then fuck her somewhere uncomfortable

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:17, Reply)

like the bathroom floor?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Bah, have you not seen Mallrats?
"What, in the back of a Volkswagen?"
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:23, Reply)

sorry. I fail.
I have indeed seen it, but only a couple of times many years ago. I need to watch that again.

The kid is back on the fucking escalator!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:39, Reply)

I love Kevin Smith films, so cheesey and fun!
And I like Jason Lee too, although it's a MASSIVE shame that he's a Scientologist :(
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I see.
So that was your plan when you made me taste that rum frosting...
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:18, Reply)

haha
totally. It's way more sly to infuse delicious desserts with alcohol than to just cram shots down their throats.

I totally Anne Franked you whilst you were asleep.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Hahahaha

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:43, Reply)

I've tried to make creme brulee twice,
I even bought a blowtorch, it was a failure.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Wiggy has a blowtorch
and has promised to make it for me this week. I'm quite excited. How did you fuck it up?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:21, Reply)

too much vanilla in the first
didn't set properly in the second.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:22, Reply)

I tried to make a greek yoghurt and honey cheesecake with berry confit once
but ran out of lemon juice. Never mind, I thought, it's only lemon juice, but turns out that's one of the major setting agents in non-baked cheesecake. I ended up serving what was effectively greek yoghurt with honey in it and a load of berries on top. It was really nice and I could have got away with it had I not promised everyone a delicious cheesecake.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:31, Reply)

I'm not a good sweet cook,
there's loads of ways to screw it up permanently, with savoury stuff you can usually save it.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:34, Reply)

Wiggy is the masterchef
I'm the dessert queen. Although I did fuck up that cheesecake. And I recently made a lemon meringue pie where the lemon bit was the consistancy of bathroom sealant. But I make wicked mango cupcakes.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:40, Reply)

A good friend of mine
Walked into a pub in Glasgow and, for some reason he'll never fathom, as soon as the barman asked him what he wanted, he slipped into a Glaswegian accent. Naturally he panicked at this point - surely the barman would think he was taking the piss and glass him before asking him to leave? But no, the barman didn't bat an eyelid, assumed his fake Scottish accent was perfectly natural and poured the requested round of drinks.

Trouble was, of course, he then had to keep that accent up for the rest of the time he was in the pub. If he'd given the game away, the consequences really don't bear thinking about.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:39, Reply)

I did that this weekend
I was in Glasgow, and had a taxi driver who sounded exactly like Billy Connolly, to not attempt a response in a similar accent
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:44, Reply)

you should have got him to bellow "JOJOBA"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:58, Reply)

...and patted him on the fanny.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:42, Reply)

Why didn't he just leave after the first drink and go to another pub?

( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:51, Reply)

No scotsman leaves after just one drink!
He would have been immediately exposed as a wee soft shite.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:52, Reply)

haha

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I pretend to be dead 'ard

I'm actually frightened of my own shadow.
But only in certain scenarios. I'll happily wander my neighbourhood in the wee small hours, but ask me to walk through a suburban estate, or a park that's not in the dead centre of town, and I'll tell you to sod off.
Things lurk in those places. Things like teenagers (shock horror) and naughty bad dogs.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:39, Reply)

Your fear is justified
You live in Liverpool.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:41, Reply)

lived here 32 years
Not a sausage.
Apart from one smackhead who could have mugged me but failed to see my rucksack and believed me when I said I had nothing of value in my pockets
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:48, Reply)

I walked by a group of scal kids in Kenny
And the youngest (about 10?) punched me. Then the others circled around me briefly, before I barged through and away. Little shits.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Why do you people come here and venture into places like Kenny???
We don't walk through Kenny and we're from here.
You deserved that kidpunch.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:53, Reply)

I lived in Kenny in my last year
The bit close to the Hospital that was being renovated. Wouldn't have gone into any of the pubs there though.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Yeah, save a few bob on rent but put your life in danger every night.
You're just like my mate Rob.
If you come back here I'm going to beat you up.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:57, Reply)

No you won't
And I was living in a nice house with friends, and only had that one scuffle with the local ruffians.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:59, Reply)

I will
Wouldn't catch me up there.
I think it's unethical to advertise student housing there.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I think they were trying to turn the town end of Kenny into a new Smithdown Road
And no you won't beat me up.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Smiffdown can be dodge at times
But at least it's saturated with students.

I will, kick-pow!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:08, Reply)

I loved Smithdown
I lived there just when the 24hr Asda opened up. It was also the first house I had broadband in. Ahh...2002-03, a good year!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:11, Reply)

my mate lives right by that Asda.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:12, Reply)

I've never lived anywhere really rough
although I was discouraged from taking late night strolls after the police stopped me when I was on my way to the garage at midnight to get milk and asked me if I was a hooker.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Hahahahah
You prozzy
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:13, Reply)

I wasn't even dressed suggestively
I was wearing some cotton pants and a vest top with my trainers and very little makeup. If that's what whores look like these days it's a sad day for johns.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:16, Reply)

Johnslols

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:20, Reply)

"pants" 'round here means "knickers", not trousers
Maybe that's why they stopped you?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:21, Reply)

sorry.
I used to say trousers but the northerners started saying pants and called me posh for using two syllables where one sufficed. I'm just trying to learn their language and fit in!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:22, Reply)

s'alright
I'm a Midlander, I say trousers, but I also chop and change between 'bath' and 'barth'.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:27, Reply)

I say barth
and I've noticed that Wiggy, despite being a born and bred northerner, has started adopting my accent, which amuses me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:29, Reply)

As did I... as did I
Oh, and you'll try to bring the kick-pow, but I'll defeat you.
I defeated Catface, who was intent on lifting my kilt, despite Mel holding both my arms behind my back. Clendrix then told Catface off.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:14, Reply)

The Four horsemen wouldn't stop me from lifting my fella's kilt
I tell thee.
EDIT: Not that I'm implying Catface is your fella.
Last time I accused a kilt-wearer of homosexuality, he proposed to me.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:16, Reply)

All well and good in the comfort of your own home, but:
a) I am not Catface's fella
b) We were in a packed pub in Edinburgh

Edit: DJTP has a kilt? Maybe there should be another bash where kilts are worn, I rather liked wearing mine.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Haha see above, bruv.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:21, Reply)

is it because you called them local ruffians?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:10, Reply)

no he called them illiterate chavs
they forced him to adopt a better-sounding name
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:12, Reply)

I called them Fatherless Cunts
After one punched me.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Do you really mean
you just screamed 'Jesus'?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:14, Reply)

I like it!
Pretty sure I just swore at the feckers though.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:14, Reply)

I'd like to think that if a child punched me
I would be able to withstand it unflinchingly, but in reality I'd still probably shut my eyes and flail my arms around like someone surrounded by moths.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:24, Reply)

I wouldn't be proud of myself
but I'd probably push them off a bit harder than necessary
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Me too
I'd love an excuse to hurt a small chav. At least give it a grazed knee or something.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Hahaha!
I was surprised, unhurt, but also knew I couldn't hit the little shit back.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:28, Reply)

'Jesus'
+the lords prayer, whipped it out, and had a wank while crying?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:17, Reply)

People think I'm hard but nothing could be further from the truth.

( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:52, Reply)

How are you with parks and suburbs?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Ok I guess.
I don't like ginnels.
( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Me neither
We call them back entries.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I pretending to be a ninja
So far most people believe me.
( jenpots, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 9:48, Reply)

I don't
*pokes jenpots with stick*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:03, Reply)

I once had
to pretend that my sister was my lesbian lover to get rid of some really, really persistent drunk guys. This backfired somewhat when his mate started leering 'That's fine love, if you're not interested in either of us then we're quite happy to just watch'.
We left the bar shortly after that.
(berk, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Quite often I pretend to be happy.
But asides from that I can't lie or act well and can't do accents, so I'd be very unconvincing.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:27, Reply)

I pretend to be listening to people at work
when really I'm trying to remember the lyrics of Don't You Want Me Baby.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:42, Reply)

Ha!
I hate it when you have a word in mind and can't remember it.
Especially in an exam.
the word was "Clytemnestra"
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:47, Reply)

That's the wife of Agammemnon, no?

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Was trying to remember who the antagonist of "Electra" was

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Ahhh
I only know who she is because my Dad once claimed he wanted to call me Agammemnon, and mum vetoed him.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:53, Reply)

My mother considered Miranda
(thing to be marvelled at) but decided against it as I'd be labelled "Randy". Oh how apt.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:01, Reply)

Better than being named 'Clytemnestra'
It'd be shortened to 'Clit', and no bloke'd be able to find you.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:02, Reply)

"NO! IT'S "CLYYY" LIKE "FLY"! "CLYT" LIKE "KITE"!"

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Hehehehe ;)
You can protest all you want, the kids will call you Clit.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:07, Reply)

apparantly I came within a hair
of being called Ianthe
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:02, Reply)

My father attempted Giselle and Mercedes
With my surname?!

I just eneded up with the most boring name evarrr. Sorry Applebite.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:05, Reply)

Haha, that's okay.
I like my name but it is fairly dull. My mum was always set on it though, even if I'd been a boy, I probably would have ended up with the same name.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Apparently at the first scan they thought I was twin boys.
Offended much?

Mum was going to call me William and David.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:08, Reply)

Haha, how would that even work?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:13, Reply)

something about the way I was lying in the womb
plus it was 25 years ago, the doctor probably just shone a torch at her belly and looked for shadows.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:33, Reply)

that is excellent

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:17, Reply)

I love my name!
Wouldn't change it at all.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Yeah but your name is awesome.
I love my Nanna's name. Lena Valente, but she is does have the benefit of being Italian. I'd like to change my middle name to Lena, but it doesn't work with my first name, I'd have to do it the other way round.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:15, Reply)

That is a lovely name
I have two middle names, one's boring, the other's my old family name, and I'm obligated to have a son to pass it on to...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:16, Reply)

I kind of have
though it's hard to remember who calls me what. For example, Applebite met me as one, Al met me as the other. I just let people call me whatever they want.

To which of course someone said "Ok, What-ever-you-want"
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Well
I'll just call you Lampito then
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:28, Reply)

FUCK THAT'S THREE NOW

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:29, Reply)

well what would you prefer?
Edit: Electra?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Facebook name is fine
Pretty much any incarnation. I'm known as Dozzles to one person, though it's only her that calls me it
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:39, Reply)

I rather like that name
but it seems a bit personal. I'm sure I'll think up a good variation
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Oh on here called me Lampito
I meant who calls me what IRL
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:52, Reply)

I might call her Clytemnestra

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:29, Reply)

I'll sew up the neckhole of your t-shirt and stab you after you put it on after your shower

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:38, Reply)

My mo' will pierce through your stitching
And then I'll politely ask why you're in my bathroom with a knife.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Well if you insist on calling me Clytemnestra I may as well act that way

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:42, Reply)

I suppose it would be my fault

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:43, Reply)

And for taking Cassandra into your bed
I like that name.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:43, Reply)

So do I
Didn't I also sacrifice our daughter for good winds to sail to Troy?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Yeah, but Orestes and Electra don't give a fuck about that
You were a complete twat to be honest though. But then again so was eveyrone
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:46, Reply)

My vague recollection of studying the Aeneid returns
Yeah, bunch of wankers, the lot of them.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Some of them were nice
no-one has a bad word to say about Patroculus
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:50, Reply)

Fucking bumder.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:51, Reply)

:(
He was a bit thick. And definitely a bit of a gayer. But he was nice
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 12:15, Reply)

If my sister had been a boy, my mum wanted to call her
"Saracen" after the Gladiatior. Considering my last name, it actually goes fairly well.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:02, Reply)

hahah it scans well!
I want to name my next cats either Strabo (if he has dodgy eyes) or Ryuk (if he's black)

Yeah the last one's not entirely related.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:04, Reply)

When I get my dogs,
The Old English Sheepdog is going to be called Bosco and the northern inuit dog Artemis.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:05, Reply)

Oh god we're discussing naming our pets.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:06, Reply)

It's that or microbes revision.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:07, Reply)

Was meant to meet someone outside about 10 mins ago to go to the library
WHOOPS
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:11, Reply)

This is what b3ta does to you.
It sucks in life and eats time.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:11, Reply)

Fuck work :(
I'll be 45 mins away from done this time tomorrow
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:16, Reply)

The next pet I have will be called 'Rage'
Or my firstborn will.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:08, Reply)

My mate said he's going to name his kids the first the he says when he sees them.
A boy was going to be something awesome that I can't remember. And a girl?
"Fuckitsagirl"
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:10, Reply)

I like that a lot!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:11, Reply)

I hope my womb remains barren

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:11, Reply)

Eh, I'd be a shit Dad, so I hope I don't have kids
For one, I'd call it Rage, regardless of sex.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:14, Reply)

Imagine shouting that in the park.
Everyone would think you were a mental.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:16, Reply)

They do so anyway
"RAAAAAGE!! Dinner's ready!"
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:17, Reply)

I told a woman at work what I wanted to name my hypothetical children
and she promptly stole it. I was livid.

When the kid was born she changed it though, thankfully.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:09, Reply)

What was it?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:10, Reply)

NO stealing
but I want to call them Scarlett and Maisie. She stole Scarlett, having told everyone she was going to call it Charlotte.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:35, Reply)

look at /talk now
for some cross b3ta hive mind action.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:37, Reply)

ooooooh
spooky!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:50, Reply)

No worries,
I don't even want kids. Hypothetical or otherwise.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 12:12, Reply)

When I used to want a kid
I told my cousin my name and she took it, but then she changed it, and then she had a boy, so she couldn't call him that anyway.
And now everyone is calling their kid that so they're welcome to it, and I changed my mind last year, so I won't be having any.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:15, Reply)

You wanted to call your daughter
Chardonay?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:18, Reply)

Fosters

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Castlemein XXXX

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:20, Reply)

In reality it would probably be Carlsberg Export

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:34, Reply)

Bulmers
sounds like a rugby players name
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Addlestones
Sounds like a Gentleman Explorer.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Smirnoff
Sounds Russian
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 13:04, Reply)

now that is a fucked-up play

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 10:53, Reply)

What's even more fucked up is that it has a "happy" ending

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:01, Reply)

Orestes?
I guess he does a bit
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:02, Reply)

No, Sophocles' Electra
there's no hint of what the fuck's going to happen in the next play
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:04, Reply)

Ohhh
think we were on a different wavelength there for a moment. I was remembering the whole Orestes being judged thing
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 11:30, Reply)