Truly fucking disgusting.
That was my lunch. My brother took me to the pub just now as he was passing and owed me a meal. He had a gorgeous fat steak - I didn't order that because they had no 28-day matured steaks left so in a moment of insanity I ordered a mixed grill, and when it turned up it looked like it came from Pompeii. I am now so far from carbon neutral I expect to be shitting coal later.

The only worse meal I can remember eating was when I was in Transylvania: a small bowl of grey gruel, with a puddle of oil in it, with a cold grey disc of unidentifiable meat sat on top. It was about 40p.

Ever eaten worse?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:25, 101 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Your mum.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:27, Reply)

Not so much my mum
as her cooking. By comparison, Monty sounds like he had a veritable feast.

I shit you not, I was actually malnutritioned as a small chid
(berk, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:30, Reply)

Malnourished.
Fuckwit.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:31, Reply)

Surely by definition
malnutrition is where nutrients are diminished and malnourishment is where actual quantity of food is diminished? You can have one without the other, although I may be wrong.
I was fed an adequate amount of food but she's such a pisspoor cook that I may as well have been weaned on cardboard.
(berk, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:39, Reply)

Malnutritioned isn't a word
you can suffer from malnutrition, but you can't be malnutritioned
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:41, Reply)

malnutrition leads to malnourishment
so you suffer from malnutrition when malnourished. sadly, bert is correct.
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:41, Reply)

YEAH
EDIT but what do you mean 'sadly'? What's wrong with me being right? I usually am.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:42, Reply)

I mean I hate that you are right
it pains me to support you in a battle
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:45, Reply)

but why?
Have I wronged you in some way?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:46, Reply)

of course
why, didn't you mean to?
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:49, Reply)

I don't even know who you are :(

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:52, Reply)

see
that saddens me, I've been pissing around on b3ta for nearly 3 years now! and still totally forgettable.
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:53, Reply)

Ah, I'm lying
I have a vague recollection of who you are. Didn't you have a kid at some point?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:54, Reply)

Some "veal"
on a boat over to Amsterdam. I literally couldnt cut, chew or bite any bits off to eat and ended up with overcooked or raw veg. NYOM not
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:28, Reply)

I've never ever ordered or eaten a mixed grill.
Maybe I will at the weekend.
But no I'm generally good at picking the best off a bad menu.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:28, Reply)

I'm usually pretty good myself
but when my chosen dish was not available I was wrong-footed and made a terrible snap decision.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:39, Reply)

I forgot to eat lunch today
I had tripe soup once in the czech republic, that was pretty fucking grim. basically a bowl of innards. Oh, and testicles in slovakia. also not nice.
does your borther still owe you a meal, given that he just bought you some charcoal for lunch?
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:30, Reply)

I reckon he does. Good thinking.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:31, Reply)

I'm all about ways to get free food
it's what you learn in postgraduate education.
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:37, Reply)

Postgraduate? I started on that as an undergrad as a good educational career move. All jackets should have pockets large enough to haul unfinished wine away from campus events in, unfinished biscuits from someone else's seminar should be seen as a natural resource.

Free food is a food group. Are you getting your 5 a week? (of gratis snacks)
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:44, Reply)

see, I lived at home as an undergrad
so for me, postgrad was when I truly appreciated free food. and joined every student society going just for the free grub. I've just found out I can apply for a fellowship of any cambridge college, and have narrowed it down to the ones which offer me free grub.
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:47, Reply)

Gaz me a list of any good Cambridge postgrad food sponging tips then, :D. I'm trying to work out where to apply for a college for my PhD and taking a fairly mercenary angle of "what ones might I be able to wangle extra funding out of".
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:53, Reply)

my friend was based at st johns college
and got some bloody good meals out of it!
I have a pdf of colleges for postdocs to apply to - I can email you it if you'd like?
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:56, Reply)

I had a german sausage once
that was the Wurst
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:30, Reply)

It was A wurst
because that's what Germans call sausages.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:35, Reply)

it was THE wurst
because it was better than all the other Wursts
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:36, Reply)

Try haggis mate...
...absolutely offal.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:35, Reply)

I had a scabby chicken burger once.
It was fowl.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:39, Reply)

not as bad as granary bread
I absolutely loaf it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:43, Reply)

A friend from Newcastle had some...
....free-raised, milk-fed calf meat.

He said it was totally veal.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:48, Reply)

In an American diner the waiter recommended the Southern Fried chicken wings
But when it arrived it was clearly a poultry effort at best.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:56, Reply)

My Mum's puddings were awful
she gave me a spotted dick that was dry and tasted like crap once, I was dis-custard
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:57, Reply)

Your mum gave me a spotted dick too, and it took 3 bloody weeks on penicillin to get rid of and all.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:11, Reply)

I've ordered Roast Chicken
where the roast chicken is essentially that sliced Bernard Matthews plasticky stuff you get out of Tescos.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:33, Reply)

My mum ordered a seafood platter on holiday once
They gave her fish fingers and scampi. She was not amused at all.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:35, Reply)

Sucks. A proper seafood platter should really involve dropping a net into the ocean and throwing anything you haul up into a deep fryer.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:40, Reply)

I, however, think that is fucking hilarious.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:40, Reply)

Me too.
I was nine, I couldn't really see what her issue was.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:44, Reply)

sounds like all it needed was crab sticks to make it perfect!

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:51, Reply)

There may well have been crab sticks
It was a very long time ago. Ironically she still dines out on that tale :)
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:05, Reply)

Similar to yours and Beeker's experiences,
my parents were taken out to dinner a few years ago by some friends in that delightful part of the world that is Essex. (Saaarfend, I think it was) Amongst the culinary crimes they witnessed that night were:

Paté: Well, at least it was a paté, though it had less in common with a foie gras than it did with Sainsbury's Basics Pork Liver Paté (£0.30 and packaged as though it were a sausage). Tastefully served with a sliver of rocket on a piece of toasted white sliced.

Duck breasts in a plum sauce: a hurriedly defrosted lump of something which had once been attached to a duck, burnt to buggery and served with a spoonful of plum jam.

Cheeseboard: a couple of Jacob's cream crackers accompanying a few lumps of cheddar

I'm sure there were a couple of other howlers, unfortunately I can't remember them at the moment.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:52, Reply)

Marseilles. Coquille St Jacques.
Cost a small fortune, tasted vile and put me in hospital despite only having eaten a single mouthful.
Dirty, handballing French fuckers.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:33, Reply)

A very very bland goulash in Prague,
But it wasn't actually that disgusting.
I just had a three course chinese lunch today for £3.50. It was surprisingly ok.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:33, Reply)

the czechs do make some repugnant foods
they have a cheese which is essentially inedible, and is small, withered and grey in appearance. I ate some once, and it tasted like I imagine tramps feet would.
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:39, Reply)

I tended to stick to tapas and mexican while I was there

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:41, Reply)

really?
where?! I'm off to CZ in a couple of weeks, and I imagine I'll turn into a dumpling by the end of the trip. We're even hving dumplings in our wedding meal. (sobs)
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:43, Reply)

There was loads of different little restaurants
Just have a good old shufty round the old town, lots of choice.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:45, Reply)

we're actually going to brno
not prague, so the food choices are somewhat limited - dumplings and pork, dumplings and beef, or potatoes and chicken. this is why mrvitaminc lives in the uk with me, rather than me living in the czech republic with him. that and the stupid language.
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:52, Reply)

Ah, then I have no words that could bring you solace in this difficult time.

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:54, Reply)

I once put tinned mackerel in some tomato pasta sauce because I couldn't find any bacon. After asking someone I knew for a second opinion on how terrible it was, he claimed he'd "tasted better ass". It was the fishy disgusting Sauce Of All Evil.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:36, Reply)

ass as in donkey?
did you know that in ye olden times, babies who weren't breastfed by their mothers were latched onto donkey and goat udders to feed?
I read that in a book yesterday and can't get it out of my head for some reason.
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:44, Reply)

No. Not as in donkey. And I didn't know that, but I expect it would be a right bugger to whip out a donkey to feed a kid. Try doing that on a bus. I wonder what donkey curry would taste like now? Does anyone eat donkeys or do even the French draw the line there? I'm rambling again, I need more tea.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:48, Reply)

Thinking of hiring an ovine wet nurse?

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:05, Reply)

well once
i tried to use squirty cream instead of milk on cereal. that was a bad move. (in my defence, i was drunk, we were out of milk and i thought it might work)

also, anchovies dipped in venom sauce. but then that was a dare so i knew it would be bad.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:36, Reply)

The meal that was served up at my sister's second wedding was pretty grim.
The chicken was OK, but the accompanying vegetables had been boiled to fuck, so that when you put your fork into the brocolli or cabbage or carrots they simply disintegated into a pool of mush. Fucking awful.

Oh, and the mashed potato was so watery as to be inedible.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:38, Reply)

But this meal turned up DG
Unlike that Sunday dinner ;)
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:40, Reply)

DON'T FUCKING REMIND ME!
I am normally a patient chap but that Sunday took the biscuit in terms of abject fuckwittery.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:41, Reply)

That was fucking awful.
That's the only time I've seen you really fucking angry.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:42, Reply)

If I'd ordered something complex I could understand it.
but it was fish and chips, for fuck's sake. And then when they finally acknowledged my order they informed me they'd run out!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:45, Reply)

when my friends have a party they make all this poncy food which is really actually disgusting
grape leaves from a tin which are stuffed with some nasty rice shit
baby keish with god only knows what
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:38, Reply)

dolmades.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:42, Reply)

I'm sure if she'd made them they'd be okay
or maybe not :/
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:46, Reply)

Bland, dull and with a slightly upsetting texture, from experience.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:55, Reply)

Proper dolmades are really very nice.
Unfortunately the missus brought some home from the local market once and, although they tasted perfectly fine I got the worst case of food poisoning ever from them and spent the whole night chucking my guts up. I thought I was going to die.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:57, Reply)

That'll be bacillus cereus. Badly stored cooked rice is a great way to get terrible food poisoning, yup. It's why I don't go near rice salads at buffets.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:01, Reply)

Yeah, it's a mistake I shall not repeat in a hurry...
It took a week for my stomach muscles to stop hurting and my cheeks to turn from grey to slightly off-white.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:04, Reply)

Thus why I avoided the canteen "bouillabaisse" yesterday after realising it was yesterday's paella topped up with a load of stock. Ew.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:08, Reply)

I'm almost ashamed to admit to it...
...but I have eaten in a branch of McDonald's before.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:39, Reply)

so long as you ate your own packed lunch food
and not mcdonalds muck, you're ok.
( ascorbate, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:40, Reply)

Alas not.
A small part of my good will and zest for life died and flaked away that day.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:42, Reply)

eaten mopped floors because I was too rubbish to serve behind the counter.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:40, Reply)

I tried
but my limp wrists kept dropping the burgers all over the place and making a mess.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:41, Reply)

When I say mopped floors
I actually meant stood you on your head, dipped you in a bucket and rubbed your luscious flowing locks across the floor in order to clean up the chav piss and vomit.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:43, Reply)

I imagine the limp wrists aided the mopping technique.
I bet his hair was all lustrous from the grease as well.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:41, Reply)

Yak tongue curry whilst in Tibet, washed down with yak butter tea. BLLLLUUUUURRRRGGGGGHHHHH

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:41, Reply)

You should have tuck the tongue in your mouth, then drank the tea while shouting "Look I'm a baby yak!".
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:45, Reply)

and in a Sid James voice said 'yak, yak, yak'....

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:48, Reply)

*applauds*

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:55, Reply)

it was difficult enough to put the fucking stuff anywhere near my mouth without trying to talk at the same time
This was in rural Tibet in 2001 (on way to Everest base camp), before the chinese began to really fuck the country up. It was eat this or starve and at 18,000ft you need the calories.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:50, Reply)

The worst I've ever had
was a 'cheeseburger' (I use the quotes for a reason) on a cross channel ferry in the early '90s. It came in a cardboard box, and the whole lot was taken out of the freezer and stuck in a microwave for a few minutes.

On biting into the thing for the first time, I thought I'd mistakenly eaten the box. I have never eaten anything so bland and tasteless in my life. I swear it had less nutritional value than a pound note.

Actually, that was I think when I was coming back from a trip to Europe during which we bought some cheese in Heidelberg. It looked OK, but we should have known something was up, because it was stored underwater in the shop. By the time we got it back to our digs, we were all checking our shoes as we were convinced that one of us had stood in dog shit. But no, it was the cheese.

We had to throw it out, it smelt so vile.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:47, Reply)

I bought some Epoisses for my brother in law once.
My sister made him eat it* in the garden.


*the cheese
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:49, Reply)

A fine gift.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:53, Reply)

He has a £50k + wine collection,
I try to keep him 'on-side'....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:58, Reply)

So maybe a hand-job this year?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:46, Reply)

again?

(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:55, Reply)

I like strong cheese
but this stuff would have won the Olympic gold for weightlifting, if a cheese section existed.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:59, Reply)

I opened a tin of corned beef
and when i cut a slice off, a big fat, white capillary was in the middle, about an inch long. Pure rinctus.


Yes, i still ate the bits I had cut off.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:49, Reply)

Russians are odd.
Spaghetti boiled in milk? For breakfast?

A small piece of fish in a rectangular block of aspic, with a tiny piece of carrot carved into the shape of a fish? I'm not convinced that wasn't catfood.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:53, Reply)

A prawn curry in Tenerife.
Bland as fuck and the prawns came with the heads on. I wouldn't eat it because the prawn's faces put me off. The waiter was not amused. Serves me right for ordering a curry in Tenerife.
( girlinthehole, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:58, Reply)

I love prawns
and I love curry, but somehow the two don't go together for me. Chicken, or preferably lamb, is far better in the hot stuff.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:00, Reply)

Ooh, remembered another - not really "worse" so much as "far more pretentious."
A rather snooty restaurant somewhere in France, and a complete triumph of style over substance. Amongst the starters on the menu we found "Refuge des Escargots" - "the snails' retreat" for the non-frogophones.

You'd think, wouldn't you, that a dish which had "escargots" as the only named foodstuff in its title would contain a few escargots?

It was a fucking green salad.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:03, Reply)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
That's absolute genius!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:06, Reply)

I have to agree.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:09, Reply)

should've fucking asked what it was, shouldn't you

(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:34, Reply)

Nothing unduly atrocious that I haven't cooked myself.
A friend of mine did once order a mixed grill and answered 'rare' when asked how the steak should be done. The steak turned up perfectly rare. So did the rest of the mixed grill.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:07, Reply)

I think I've been pretty lucky
The only bad one that ever jumps to mind was a steak I once ordered. My sisters hate any blood in their steak, so always order it well done. Now, in my mind this meant that anything but well done would be full of blood, so I requested mine extremely well done.

I was effectively fed charcoal, but knew I had to eat it. It was actually still alright tasting, you just had to chew it for half an hour.

I've also had a meal that was awful, but fucking tasty. I ordered a seafood chowder in a small town in Ireland (Kenmare). It came out, and smelled fantastic. The family I was with warned me to let it cool down for a while, I decided I was bored after 30 seconds, and took a massive moutful. Because it was a nice restaurant, I knew I couldn't scream or spit it back out, so I just had to swallow it as quickly as I could. Took me 4 days before I could eat anything hotter than room temperature without hurting. Still, fucking fantastic though.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:10, Reply)

SUMMARISE, BITCH

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:35, Reply)

Summary
Told any steak but well done was bloody, asked for mine extra well done, served charcoal/cardboard.

Ignored what others said about seafood chowder, burned the shit out of my mouth.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:39, Reply)

haha!
You've been to Kenmare?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:42, Reply)

Yep, fantastic place

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 15:58, Reply)

the last (and only) time my parents came to visit me here
I took them to my missus (then) favourite restaurant (part of a chain, and possibly now the worst in the lot).

I ordered a steak, my mum had chicken wrapped in bacon, and my dad had some other kind of steak.

I had to send mine back 3 fucking times - first two it was so bloody it was almost alive, then finally they sliced it through the middle and charcoaled it. It was absolutely rank.

Funnily enough, my dad's steak turned out fine first time
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:39, Reply)