Oh God, it's the end of the world!
The seagull situation in Liverpool has reached crisis point.
The city is alive with the sound of squawking.
At 5am I was awoken my terrible knocking and thumping. It was not the cat or a rapist (though I did put my nicest robe on just in case). It was a big adolescent angry seagull. Shouting and knocking and stamping and staring and pecking at the skylight on my landing.
I rang djtp who was neither perturbed nor helpful, as the man was clearly out of his damn MIND on tequila.


At 10am, it is still there. It is still there!
Tigger is beside himself, and I definitely feel under siege as it continues pecking and staring. The adult seagulls are screaming and swooping around my windows. I've gone right off being at the top of the building. I think these seagulls know something we don't...
Remember last week when I wanted somebody to save the lost baby seagull from its fledgeling misery? Well I bet this is that cunt all grown up now.

What portent of The End have you witnessed recently?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 10:01, 49 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've got to go to a funeral on Friday.
I feel that there will be nobody left to come to mine. Oh, and some horsemen came round this morning and told me to pack.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Sorry bout that, lad
Are you older than me? I'll come to your funeral.
And women live longer than men, so your missus will come too. For a fee we might agree to have a scrap on top of your coffin.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 10:33, Reply)

My friend was 44 and it just isn't fair, he being much younger than me
But if I could book you now for mine in a couple of years, that would be great. I'll pay expenses and buy you a new, veiled, hat.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 10:38, Reply)

44, fuck, that's wrong...
I really suit those hats. In fact i made one of those veils for a wedding once. I think I've got some black widow netting left in my craft box so don't you worry yourself. Just let me know when you feel yourself going and I'll go on a diet.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 10:40, Reply)

shoot the fucker

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 10:29, Reply)

I don't have a gun.
I have thrown cushions and plastic bottles, to no avail.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Open the skylight and sing it a lovely lullaby
when it falls asleep climb up and twat the cunt with hammers.
( broadsword, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:00, Reply)

It's too clever

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:11, Reply)

How do you know the seagull is an adolescent?

( broadsword, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 10:51, Reply)

It's not a girl, not yet a woman.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 10:53, Reply)

Do you remember last night completely? I've heard this story before, a few times, it's quite common, unfortunatly.
It always starts like this, the seaguls, they're hawking and squarking, they're the warning.
Then it's the owls, they just stand by the window, looking in, they're the watchers.
After that, it's a sparrow, that's how it begins, that's the start of it all, that's when you'll first lose time. That's when they experment, they don't hurt you, they're just scouts, you won't remember anything except waking up with a sore neck, do you have any strange bumps on your body?
After then, well, it's different for each person, it's so horrific what they'll do, terrible things, crimes against god, yet they'll prove such a thing exists, just not how mankind has predicted.

The mayans were the first to make contact, they worshiped them, scarificed people to them, and in turn the general populous was left alone. They then show up in Egyption Hyrocliphics, similar story, and they've shown up in other cases, but it was only with the invention of Radar during WW2. We couldn't have known that those signals would go on beyond our stratisphere, through the infinate distance of space and eventually end up not only as a contact for a civilisation on another planet, but a warning for them too. We couldn't have known it would have this effect.

They made their way back here in the 80s, it was the nuclear bombs that got them interested, how could a spieces do that to their own planet?.

Anyway, that's enough of that, but if you feel yourself preganent, do not get any form of hypnotheorpy, trust me, you don't want to know, if I could go back and change that, i would.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Shit
What about magpies? There's one outside the bedroom window right now.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:15, Reply)

And so, the first wave begins.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:18, Reply)

May god help us.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:18, Reply)

It's chattering!
Oh Lord, what's it saying?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:22, Reply)

Don't bother getting our some sort of recording device, such as a dictaphone*, the sound will come out distorted, it's the radiation you see...
... they can't help it, they want to get their message across, but our technology isn't capapble yet. Get yourself down to the National Institute of Ancient Culture Studies, find the best Linguist you can get, s/he might be able to work out what their message to us is.

That is, unless you can find another Messenge Carrier.


* Why in these things, do they always have a dictaphone? I don't know a single person who has one, or at least, a dedicated one... wait a sec, doctors do, but that's it.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:31, Reply)

Just so you all know here, I watched a film this week called "Fourth Kind", it freeked me out quite a bit, similar storyline to what I'm saying.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:32, Reply)

It does feel very ominous here right now

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:38, Reply)

Get yourself a copy of the film, and watch it at night, by yourself, with a nice take away and a bag of harribo.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:44, Reply)

Fuck that!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Heh, you pussyole.
Watch it with someone who you can snug up too, but someone who doesn't mind the constant "DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE, OH GOD, YOU LEFT THE HOUSE ! YOU GONNA GET GOT NOW" shoutting =P
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Woh', I've been listening to to much rap music, first time i've used that word without thinking or trying to be ironic.
=/
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Ha!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:25, Reply)

I thought that film was pretty pap. If you want to be scared watch Eden Lake!
Chavs are the end of the world
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 16:14, Reply)

Eden Lake does look good
but I don't have much of a stomach for torture scenes and what I'd read in the reviews put me off.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 16:35, Reply)

it's disturbing

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 16:43, Reply)

Do we get to start calling you Tippi Hedren?

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:21, Reply)

Totally

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Awesome.
Alreet Tippi?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:25, Reply)

Er no
My hairdo is full of birds like
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:40, Reply)

/Father Jack
'Feckin' burds again!'
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:43, Reply)

My boss
is being nice to me at the moment, this scares me and means he is luring me into some false sense of security before I get fucked over horribly by something.

Hurrah, looks like I might be getting a couple of mogs, a mate is being evicted and moving back home and his cats are not welcome
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:03, Reply)

+n

( broadsword, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:07, Reply)

I'd tend to agree there
And cats, yerse!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:14, Reply)

yeah
been wanting to get some company for a while. They are a bit old and not sure how much stress they have had, but as long as they don't smell too bad, toilet where they are supposed to and purr then it's good for me.

Aye, work has been horrendous for the last 9 months, and our whole company is being overhauled from top to bottom, all our hardware is being replaced, which means new systems to learn and support alongside all of the current stuff, eek!
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:21, Reply)

Tigger's passed out next to me after all the stress...
And I should be working right now but the thought of it is giving me hives
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:36, Reply)

i do miss sparky and clod
they were truly ace cats, they used to lie either side of me with feet in the air while i stroked their tummies
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:39, Reply)

I wish himself was that affectionate
But he's insane
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:40, Reply)

they were both to be honest
They would wait for me at the bus stop near my old home and we would all stroll down the road with me scratching the tops of their heads as we went along.

the neighbours thought we were all bonkers
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:45, Reply)

I don't let this one out
He's not equipped for the real world
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:47, Reply)

hahaha
maybe he is just a country cat at heart and scared of the big city?
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Yeah I'd let him out if I lived in the country
I shouldn't worry so much. He was born in a very rough area so this is *insert posh place* campared to his origins
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:52, Reply)

you got him from a home?
S&C were rescue cats, the poor things were treated really badly by previous owners, but after 6 months with us they went from neurotic little stressbags to big happy balls of purr, think it dawned on them that we loved them and they were happy to love us back after a while
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:57, Reply)

My friend's son found him in his garden
His cat was undoubtedly the father.
He's nuts but I think it's just been there from birth.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:24, Reply)

inbred then!
my friend is very horse obsessed, a stable she worked at had loads of mental inbred things, most of them had a minimum of 6 toes!
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:26, Reply)

I think his mother was feral

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:30, Reply)

heheee
was about to make a very inappropriate gag about any children you and DJ might have being along the same lines of parenthood!
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:37, Reply)

He's Scottish and I'm scouse
The chances of having a sickly jug-eared ginger boy are too high.
We'll not bother...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:41, Reply)

aaww
you'd make great parents, and they would be the coolest kid in school!

My mate refuses to have kids at the moment, because there is a very good likelihood that there will be ginger twins involved!
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:45, Reply)

My clock is loud enough thanks
Please don't join in.
I think we'd be the best parents evah, but what if we had a kid that was not worthy? Sod it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:47, Reply)

I have a family do this afternoon
most of it will be spent being badgered by relations asking why I am single and haven't spawned a few urchins like every other cousin and sibling.
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:51, Reply)

Mine are constantly popping them out
But they leave me be mostly, as long as I babysit for them
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:53, Reply)

I've had a weekend with nothing to do, nothing.
Every weekend since Al's bash it's been non-stop but it's all ground to a halt. Didn't see anyone, didn't talk to anyone. It could have been me left alive. Was a bit eerie.

Still, off to a barbeque today and I get to see my godson, which is nice.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:14, Reply)

I went out for a three courser and a bottle and a half of wine last night
My guts are not happy
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:16, Reply)

I was so bored I bought ciggies :(
Bad move! Still, now eight days off the pop.
Quite pleased with myself about that.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:20, Reply)

Yesterday I cooked my thai coconut soup, but didn't want it, only had a few bites; I just felt like cooking something.
Then, in the evening, I really wanted sushi, but felt I didn't deserve sushi*, I did work in regards to webwork, but I did my work in front of the telly and intimitantly. It was definatly a sushi wanting, but not deserving, kind of day. So I thought "Right, how do I deserve sushi?", so I blitzed the kitchen and living room, every surfice was cleaned, did everything but the floors. _then_ I deserved sushi, but I deserved a big sushi, so I got "Salmon Skin Maki", "Salmon Avacardo Maki", "Soft Shell Crab Maki", "Prawn Tempora Tamaki", 2x"Ebi Goyza" and a teryakki sauce.

And you know what? I enjoyed every single bite, even the left over Ebi Goyza for breakfast today =)

* when I told my mum this story, she said I have the most strangest way of thinking.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:43, Reply)

I only deserved tinned tomatoes today

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:44, Reply)

Heh, anything you make it hame, doesn't count a 'deserved' meal, home made stuff get's a free pass.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:53, Reply)

how do beeker
nothing wrong with the odd quiet weekend, its when they all get like that you need to worry!
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:22, Reply)

Ay up Halfy
Well next weekend I'm hoping will be good. Not saying why in case I jinx it though.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:23, Reply)

is it related
to the person you met on your 30th birthday?
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Ah, no
I think she was just being friendly. And she was only 20, I thought she was about 25. See where being polite and not asking a lady her age gets you? She was slightly insulted I thought she was mid-20s as well.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Ah well
these things happen, good luck for next weekend though sir
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:29, Reply)

We shall see, I try not to get hopes up these days

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:34, Reply)

haha
you're too young to be so world weary, or you'll end up old and grouchy like me!
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:36, Reply)

I do world-weary very well
As the short stories I've written recently suggest.
Just finished one yesterday that I'm submitting for publication hopefully. I fictionalised the birth of Robert Johnson, and I'm quite pleased with it. First time I've attempted a bit of American Gothic.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:41, Reply)

really
where do you publish them please, i'd like to have a nose if you don't mind?

Was it you that suggested 'The difference Engine' at blousies bash? im merrily buzzing through it at the moment
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:44, Reply)

No that wasn't me, can't remember who it was. Might have been Wookiee?
It's called Open Wide magazine, fiction and poetry and reviews. Distributed through Paypal, have a look at the website.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:47, Reply)

will do
who do you post as?
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:50, Reply)

I don't, it just gives all the info for the magazine
A certain lady B3tan is the fiction editor.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:51, Reply)

one who lays eggs?

(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:54, Reply)

That's the lady

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:57, Reply)

You have to get in quickly then
and say it's because of how mature and worldly-wise she acts. Got to be straight away though or they don't buy it.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:45, Reply)

That was what I said. She looked suspicious.

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:48, Reply)

I've witnessed the flooding.
My front and back garden have flooded with the amount of rain we've had today.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:26, Reply)

pass some this way please
my grass is looking in a very poor state indeed.

y'alright?
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:28, Reply)

yeah I'm good ta.
had the weekend off studying for once. Read a good book and saw Inception and witnessed the flooding.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:30, Reply)

very nice
it's always good to turn off the brain and get away from it for a while

What was the book?
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:34, Reply)

The City &The City by China Mieville.
very good.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:40, Reply)

ah cool!
I have that in my 'to read' pile, i'll elevate it up to next in line then as the last one you recommended was an absolute corker
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:42, Reply)

I'm re-reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Bloody excellent book.
The Angel's Game by Carlos Ruis Zafon was brilliant as well.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:45, Reply)

American gods
is an awesome book, as are all of the Joe Abercrombie books, just read them, honestly haven't read anything better for years
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:47, Reply)

I'll put Joe Abercrombie on my list then
Was it him that did the Books of The Law?
Also, The Lies of Locke Lamora and the follow up by Scott Lynch were superb, very much in the same vein.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:49, Reply)

t'is indeed
Yep read them as well, not too bad at all. the last one is lurking on my amazon wish list at the moment, although think it clashes with the new Iain M Banks release so might have to wait.

Robert V.S. Reddick may be worth a punt as well, slightly more traditional but is a fairly good romp
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:53, Reply)

Hahaha, romp.
Are you a sub-editor for the Sun?
Love it when they refer to sex as a romp. Surely noone has romped since 1826!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:58, Reply)

hah!
no its an easy read, unlike the wheel of fucking time!
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:59, Reply)

I've re-read AG numerous times
and it never fails to blow me away. The twists are incredible.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:16, Reply)

I forgot they did something
I was like, oh fuck! Didn't see that coming!

Woops, sorted. Sorry!!!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:23, Reply)

Thanks for the spoiler, cunto

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:23, Reply)

the butler did it

(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:25, Reply)

with Odin

( Theoban What of it, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:29, Reply)

theres another spoiler
right there, edit it before you enrage the la scouser!
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:32, Reply)

Considering where they did it, neither did he.
NOW REMOVE THAT SPOILER
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:26, Reply)

*hiss*

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:30, Reply)

*fears*

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:32, Reply)

Me too!
I've got about 3 chapters to go. I adore Neil Gaiman, especially AG, Anansi Boys and Neverwhere.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 17:26, Reply)

I concur that this book is Very Good

( Theoban What of it, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:46, Reply)

mmm I really enjoyed it. I'm going to try to get my hands on some more of his books.

(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:58, Reply)

Apparently
he wants to re-define each and every genre of books so no two of his are the same.

Cityx2 was his crime novel, and I have Perdido street station that is his sci-fi outing buried somewhere, if you like him you might enjoy the Arabesk trilogy by Jon Courtenay Grimwood which is excellent, friend who gave them to me said its along the same line as cityx2
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Perdido Street Station was a great 'world' but the storytelling was a bit shit
Avoid the Scar
Iron Council is ace
Kraken is alright but he introduces too many characters and then just moves on from them, no development other than 'hey new character!'
UnLunDun is ace
( Theoban What of it, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Ooh!
I read that a couple of weeks ago, after reading "Kraken" by him. Good stuff!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 17:25, Reply)

The other day I was walking down Oliver Plunkett street and there was this black ball on the ground
It flew up into the air a thousand feet and spake to us, a voice of a million souls screaming shouted out and tore asunder the road and tossed buildings around like toys. It cracked and from the depths of its torpid ichor retched a violent torrent of blood, stained and rotting with the decay of a broken world. Our bodies were carried away in this river of sin, with the sky turning a deep bronze and clouds scurrying around like ants, lightning striking the ground thrice on each compass point, and the voices spake thusly; WE HAVE COME

Then we went to the pub and I got pretty drunk and danced a lot.
( Theoban What of it, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:33, Reply)

My nana's got this tape of little kids from Dublin (I think) re-telling bible stories in their own words
It's dead funny and a bit sad. And one little girl says "ooh, it was very far away, further than Oliver Plunkett's head..."
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:36, Reply)

That is very far away

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:39, Reply)

I believe you

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Thousands wouldn't

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 11:45, Reply)

There's a nest of some sort of bird outside my window
that kept me up for a few nights. But I'm shit at identifying birds so what bird they are is a mystery.

As for the end of the world, I neither kno nore care.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Eggy bread for breakfast, eggy eggy bread.
Eggy bread for breakfast, eggy eggy egg !
Eggy bread for breakfast, some call it french toast.
Eggy bread for breakfast, it's what I wanted the most !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:31, Reply)

I just made an omelette
With eggs, onions, 'cheese'*, petit pois and mashed potato.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:35, Reply)

Niice, I was toying with that idea, with some sweet chili, but decided I wanted something sweet =)

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:49, Reply)

bread cup bread cup
bread cup
bread cup
bread cup
( Theoban What of it, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:41, Reply)

Nobody has explained to me properly what Eggy cup is =(

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:50, Reply)

Morning boys.
Race is about to start.
( thealternativefact, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 12:57, Reply)

Race?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:02, Reply)

Hungarian Grand Prix
Duh.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:08, Reply)

Oh for Heaven's sake

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:09, Reply)

Beep beep, coming through, move over, yeah' you.
Don't argue, just blurt, hurry up or you're gonna get hurt !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:14, Reply)

Naw, you don't wanna see road rage.
Naw, you don't wanna see road rage.
Hurry up or you're gonna have to imigrate !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:20, Reply)

How are the muggings?

( thealternativefact, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:28, Reply)

Sad Times for "North London Beverly Hillians" =(

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:48, Reply)

The End is nigh
I'm dying of a head cold that's masquerading as 'flu. It's just like 'Survivors'.
We'll all be fighting over water and double chocolate chip cookies within a day, mark my words.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:13, Reply)

My friend has the same illness
She is currently under siege in HER flat on the other side of town.
She has seagulls AND pigeons.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:15, Reply)

I can hear a cockerel
but no seagulls here - we're about ten miles inland. The only pigeons we get are wood pigeons or else their cousins, stock doves.
The cats aren't bothered by the chickens though.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:19, Reply)

Tigger has suffered a full mental and physical breakdown
I love our woodpigeons. One day I'll hug one.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:20, Reply)

Don't wanna scare you, but...
I've had a cold for two weeks. I completely lost the ability to taste nine days ago. I've been deaf in one ear for a week. I have a had a constant headache for four days. I have produced so much goo that the government is giving me my own deep-storage facility.
Anyway, good luck.
( thealternativefact, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:31, Reply)

Oh god
I think that's what I've got. I've produced a huge amount of snot since Wednesday and I think someone is beating me over the head with a shovel each night while I sleep.
I also keep having certain names constantly on repeat in my head like someone is telling me I have to remember them. To be honest I'm now sick of Noel - lovely chap but I want his name to stop going around in my head!!! Gonz has been repeating a little bit but nowhere near as much as Noel.

Either it's the cold or else the transmitter *was* implanted in my head.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 13:40, Reply)

That'll teach you to wear your tin-foil hat in future.
The ravaged senses, the headaches, the persistent cough - they're nothing compared to THE GOO. Oh god, SO MUCH GOO.
Gonz is bound to repeat - it's all those jellypenos he eats.
( thealternativefact, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:00, Reply)

I shall never go out without my tin foil hat again.
I've learnt my lesson.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:43, Reply)

the inside of my head
i got in from my friend's engagement party at about 7am this morning. and i have so much work to do today... urgh!!!

you need to get onto the roof and smear tuna or similar on someone else's window/skylight. that should distract the little fecker.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:08, Reply)

Ouch
I consumed a bottle and a half of wine, but I had a three course dinner and almost paced it ok. I should be working right now.

I like my neighbours next door and the new ones downstairs don't have a skylight, damn them.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:14, Reply)

a bottle and a half?
impressive, i am impressed with your alcoholism.

i am going to blame the jetlag on being quite so shamefully drunk on what was really quite a small amount of vodka. my friend just texted me to remind me that i made the aussie barman escort me down the stairs every time i went to the ladies because apparently his bar "had too many stairs". jesus. on the plus side, he looked exactly like bradley cooper. jesus!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:30, Reply)

I've just counted, and it was only a bottle
Child's play!

Ooh sounds like you had fun. Everyone loves a crafty damsel.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:33, Reply)

he loved it
well actually i don't remember it, but who wouldn't enjoy dragging some drunken trout down the stairs and waiting whilst she spends thirty minutes applying lipgloss to her forehead and eyeliner to her mouth so that you could haul her back up again?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:38, Reply)

He loved it

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:39, Reply)

i am going to choose to agree with you
selective memory is a wonderful thing.

fucking hell, first day back at work tomorrow after 2.5 weeks off, i don't think i could be any more depressed. cheer me up.... jokes, gossip??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:42, Reply)

I feel pretty unmotivated to be honest, but I'll try
My Dad just rang me from spain to tell me that there is an actual song called 'Mama Get the Hammer (There's a Fly on Papa's Head)'.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:46, Reply)

i could see "mama get the hammer"
becoming a serious cry for help at work!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:47, Reply)

Or in any desperate situation really

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:52, Reply)

i should keep a hammer in my top drawer at work
would solve a lot of my clients' problems more quickly than the law!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 15:20, Reply)

The in-laws are here.
To stay. For a week.
End of my world.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:39, Reply)

Are they very small too?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Yep.
And yet are looming very large in my living room.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:42, Reply)

tell them
that one of the symptoms of post partum is total deafness
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:43, Reply)

Mind they're not teaching their funny language to the babby

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:43, Reply)

According to some news item on the radio, 10% of men in this country use fake tan.
If it was in any way accurate, this means there are about three million ponced-up oompa loompas within these shores.

To me, that's a clear sign the world's gone mad.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Good heavens...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:47, Reply)

eeeeow
i could think of few things that would be less sexy than a guy with a tanline on his jaw or collar. that is Wrong.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Ooompa Loopa Dobede Dee.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 15:01, Reply)

"i'm horny, horny, horny, horny"
not. that is rank.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 15:21, Reply)

Can you imagine what the water looks like after you run their clothes through a wash.... =/

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 15:41, Reply)

sod their clothes
imagine their bedding
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 15:49, Reply)

A friend of mine had a tanfastique boyfriend
and my other friend (her flatmate) saw her loading the washing mashine the morning after he'd been round. It looked like he'd crapped the bed, but it was his tan.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 15:53, Reply)

i just couldn't sleep with anyone who was orange
i think my foof would stitch itself up first
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 16:01, Reply)

Racist!
Also, 'foof' is a great word and should be used more often.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 16:49, Reply)

Haha, lordy.
I reckon I'd be quite perturbed if I was shagging someone and by the end, ended up a strong shade of orange. =/
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 16:06, Reply)

They're probably just measuring how much gets sold
So it'll just be Sickrik
( Theoban What of it, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:59, Reply)

You've mentioned the apocalypse quite a lot of late
Is this normal? Do you usually wear a sandwich board calling on people to repent?

Just give them the cat, they want the cat.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:49, Reply)

I have indeed
Although last night I dreamt that we went to a wedding reception held at a renovated old holiday camp pool. It was awesome and in no way apocalyptic. Although I forgot my cozzy and had to wear the bf's Bills and a t shirt.

You think they want the cat? Really?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 14:52, Reply)

I hate that
When you travel somewhere and arrive to find there's a fantastic pool but you don't have your togs.

In apocalypse type situations doesn't someone usually suggest blood sacrifice to appease the gods?
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 15:09, Reply)

Well, I could trim my cuticles?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 15:19, Reply)