Sorry guys, but I'm going to use up my beaker quota for the week.
And bore you all with my petty teenage problems. Sadly I'm too petty and teenage to figure out a solution that doesn't involve shagging EVERYTHING. So I'm asking nicely for some advice.
I'm having a slight difficulty in the boy department... and it's not even about FLP. Ish. Last time I went out with him, one of his friends horrifically awkwardly asked me out on a date. I tried to turn him down as gently as possible but couldn't get out of giving him my number. So now I have an absolute weirdo sending me so many desperate, needy messages that it's getting to the point where I don't want to pick up the phone any more in case it's him. Which it usually is.

On top of that, a very good friend of mine who I used to sleep with has told me we can't be friends anymore, because he likes me too much but I'm not interested in him. Problem is I am. We would work pretty well together and I love him as a friend but there's something missing and I can't work out what. I'm just not willing to lose a friend.

So, how do I ditch the freak and keep the friend, without giving him undue hope? Life was so much easier back when I was an ugly, virgin tomboy.

Alt Q for those who don't care: What ideas do you have for genius new inventions?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:30, 212 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Have you tried setting fire to things?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:31, Reply)

Yes.
It didn't work.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:33, Reply)

I've solved all your problems below,
we should talk about lunch for the rest of the thread.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:37, Reply)

but serious advice,
text needy person something along the lines of "I'm sorry I'm not interested at the moment I'm really into someone else, I'm sorry if I lead you on"
It doesn't matter if you have or haven't led him on it'll help his pride slightly, and cut down on the drama.

You shouldn't go out with someone because they threaten never to speak to you again, and you shouldn't pretend there's a chance you could be together just to keep his friendship. Tell him that and say he should call you when he's ready to be friends. It'll probably be about a month.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:36, Reply)

^this is good advice

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:37, Reply)

It is but it's totally pointless
because as I've learnt over the years people ignore all relationship advice unless it's what they were planning to do in the first place.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:38, Reply)

This is also true

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I just wanted to get it written down
so I can say I told you so when she does something stupid.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:41, Reply)

If/when you're correct
Are you going to make yourself a crown out of paperclips and dance around victorious?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:43, Reply)

No, he'll just have a monmental croissant
And pretend to be vipros for the day.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:50, Reply)

I had an almond croissant the other day
it was fucking lovely.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:51, Reply)

very very true
give me advice = give me reassurance that want I intend to do is the right thing.

even if one person says it is and everyone else says it's not
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:41, Reply)

sensible answer is sensible.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:38, Reply)

and probably (i) stunningly hypocritical
(ii) stolen from a real agony aunt website or (iii) both
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:54, Reply)

I have nothing to add to the above
I hereby move that Chompy change his name to "Dr Ruth Chomp"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:41, Reply)

A+++
Would ask again.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Thanks,
good luck, stop stressing about it though, you'll only make it worse.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:46, Reply)

You are berk
AICMFP
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:32, Reply)

Fuck off.
If I looked like Applebite I'd be knee deep in cocks. My man-mountain currently stands 3 high, it's really not all that.

EDIT - in fact my man mountain isn't really even 3 high. It's one and a bit high, as one of them is lovely but I don't think it would go anywhere, one of them is lovely but it isn't going anywhere, and the third one is potentially a bit of a bastard but smoking hot, and that probably won't go anywhere either.
(berk, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Applebite's is 3 high too
although she probably does have others getting ready to begin the ascent.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:38, Reply)

Not as many as usual, I'm sad to report.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:39, Reply)

It's because your latest profile pic is terrifying.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:02, Reply)

I know, isn't it awesome :D

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:05, Reply)

I just looked at it
OH MY GOD FITTEST THING EVER. I think I have those stockings too :P
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:07, Reply)

I wish to wear it every single day.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:09, Reply)

You should do. Stripes are a fine fine thing.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:10, Reply)

No it is awful.
It came up on my wall as I was half asleep in bed, it freaked me out.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:08, Reply)

And I still managed to pull in it.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Even I can pull at fancy dress parties.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:13, Reply)

By dressing up as a paperclip selling rapist?

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Does repeatedly calling me a rapist
make your lets face it, fucking shit life more bearable?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:15, Reply)

I think it's the first time I've called you a rapist.
And don't take any offence from it, it's just that you look like you rape women.
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:18, Reply)

calm down boys
this isn't /talk.

Also, it's so not the first time you've called him a rapist Maxi, expect links shortly.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:22, Reply)

I can't bloody get links now
THANKS A LOT KITTY I WAS GOING TO WIN ON THE INTERNET
(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:23, Reply)

I was trying to halp
I was all whiteknighting and shit. Did I do it wrong?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:30, Reply)

Ignore him
I bet he spent all night hugging a pillow, saying Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice and crying.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:15, Reply)

He seemed unable to make her come -sighs-

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:16, Reply)

I do have Shake, Shake Senora
in my head now actually.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:26, Reply)

I managed to pull
looking like this: sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs983.snc4/75620_893060733949_197807792_52782708_3877452_n.jpg

That was suprising to say the least.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:31, Reply)

Now that is impressive.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:35, Reply)

I know, rite?
I was consistently described as the creepiest person there, even without the mask on.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:37, Reply)

that is fucking terrifying.
One of my friends was dressed as the clown guy from Devil's Rejects and it was so well done I got a bit scared every time he came near me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:42, Reply)

I'm disappointed you didn't go as yourself. Jack Skellington with an afro is suitably festive.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:36, Reply)

That's pretty spectacular!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:32, Reply)

probably they're forming an orderly queue.
(berk, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Hey, just think, you could look like me.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:38, Reply)

we need an anti-pandertron

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:56, Reply)

What do you mean?
It's a perfectly valid comment.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:59, Reply)

anti-pandertron is when someone is too mean about someone
in this case, you to yourself!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:01, Reply)

From all evidence, it's true
I have precisely NO men queuing up to get pon this. I've had NO men for a while and it's likely to be NO men for a lot longer.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Lies on the internet

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:07, Reply)

No it's not. Really, really, not.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:08, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post945319
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Fuck, paradox

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:09, Reply)

I thought of 'slandertron'
But as this is all text, it'd be libel...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:00, Reply)

I don't care
alt: irons in the shape of cars that go vrooooooom when you push them around the ironing board.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:32, Reply)

This is a winning idea.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:34, Reply)

This is not something I would have expected from you
the car iron vroom thing, not the not caring.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:35, Reply)

I came up with it years ago
I've got a number of other top quality inventions lurking in my head as well
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Leonardo da Vipros eh?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:37, Reply)

you knows it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:37, Reply)

haha love it

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:38, Reply)

brilliant
next up: bins that go "NOMNOMNOM".
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:35, Reply)

SOMEONE INVENT THIS NOW.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Nearly
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7415393.stm
(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:39, Reply)

ooh so close

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Oh man I want this so badly.
I bet Firebox would make it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Is the friend the same guy who broke his arm for punching that guy?
What about FLP though? Isn't he your favourite?

You could just tell the freak that you fancy FLP and therefore can't go out with him. Word will filter back to FLP and then he can make the move and you won't have to.

Or you could arrange a date with all of them on the same night in the same restaurant.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:34, Reply)

Your last idea is a winner
Be sure to record it too.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:36, Reply)

we can all go too and sit at the next table, looking over the top of our menus

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Ok, but don't get the soup
It'll inevitably get knocked over you in the ensuing scuffle.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:37, Reply)

Please, I knock soup over as soon as it's left the kitchen
Yesterday I knocked over a pint of orange squash and it fell upside down on the floor, creating a seal that kept it half full. I didn't know what to do after that so I let Wiggy deal with it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:39, Reply)

Impressive
Could only have been better if it trapped a spider at the same time.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:41, Reply)

If it had trapped a spider Wiggy would have fled the room
and I would have had to deal with it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Do people ever film your day to day life
For later use in comedies?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:41, Reply)

They should. I am a walking cartoon.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:42, Reply)

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:43, Reply)

*scowls*
If this was true I would draw a big hole underneath you!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:48, Reply)

+leading straight to bed

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:49, Reply)

ooh like in Wallace and Gromit, only the other way around

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:55, Reply)

kinky

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Film it.
It would make a fortune at the cinema as a lolwaki romantic comedy.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:38, Reply)

you didn't answer if the friend is the same friend you were talking about on the train
We'll call him Bieran. He sounds a bit douchey but you also did sound like you were quite fond of him.

You're also quite fond of the lion, but is this infatuation or actual feelings?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Yes I did, see below.
I am quite fond of him, but not quite in the way he wants me to be. Sex was excellent though.

I'm not sure yet, could be. I'm not going to see him this week, so that'll probably help me find out.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Three men and a little lady.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Yep, that's the one.
FLP is my favourite, hands down my pants please.

I like this idea, and may have to trial it.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Tell the freak to fuck off. Actually say that to him.
Your friend is a more difficult one, maybe the thing missing is what you've found in FLP? The excitement of something new? I dunno.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:35, Reply)

You're asking me for advice*?
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha


Break the Freak's heart, tell very good friend to get the fuck over himself, you can be friends with someone you fancy, eventually the feelings will fade.

*I'm aware this is a board-wide thing. But however indirect, do not follow advice from me.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Tell the weirdo to do one, not hard.
I can't understand lads who text birds constantly, it lets them know you like them and then you lose all the power. See also - buying girls drinks.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:38, Reply)

Needy and desperate... this sounds like my forte
Tell the freak straight, anything less than a soul-crushing rejection will give him hope. Try things with your friend, maybe the thing missing is that you still see him as a friend?

Alt: Kitten body armour, they are so fluffy noone will want to shoot them
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:39, Reply)

why would he want to shoot them?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Because fuck you, that's why

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:41, Reply)

harsh

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:42, Reply)

If no one wants to shoot them
Why would they need body armour anyway?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:46, Reply)

I think he means to use kittens as body armour

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:46, Reply)

Indeed
Gaffa tape + kittens
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Be clear with the freak, but not nasty, you'd be astonished how bad shit like that can make you feel
The Very Good Friend will likely change his mind over the next few weeks, that's the way it's always seemed in any situation I've seen. Let him take his time, and when he's stopped being a girl, you can go back to being mates again, before likely getting drunk together at a party, and going back to the old habit.

And I very much doubt you were ever ugly.

EDIT: Although, in all seriousness, when you do give Chompy the bad news, make sure he knows it's just not going to work.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:39, Reply)

True story.
I was adorable up until the age of six - white blonde bob, big blue eyes etc. Then something when horribly wrong and I was ugly from seven til about fifteen. I was really, really thin and gangly and awkward and my face was all pointy and ratty.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Did anyone ever cut themselves on your nose?

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:50, Reply)

No
But I did once slice my friend's arm open with my elbow.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:51, Reply)

I like this
I want to see pictures of Rattlebite.

I was an ugly youth as well, same thing, stick thin and pointy.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:50, Reply)

There are very few
I was a master of the art of not having my picture taken. But I shall look, just for you.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:55, Reply)

I have very few pictures of myself from before I was 18
There is only 1 in my yearbook and you can't really tell it's me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Owh, that's not fair then,
I just gazzed you one of me aged 10
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:10, Reply)

fit.
You should see one of me aged 8, I had big blue Deidre glasses *shudder*
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:16, Reply)

Haha
I was pretty cute aged 10
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:18, Reply)

awwww!
_{what went wrong?}
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:23, Reply)

I don't know!
I turned into a right fucking thug from the looks of it (Me aged 14)
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:26, Reply)

I like the beginnings of the Roger Moore eyebrow though

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:43, Reply)

The year 10 one is far worse

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:56, Reply)

It is essential that I see this picture as soon as possible.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:19, Reply)

I think my sister has it, it's a real physical photo.
I'll ask her for it, but she might not allow me to have it lest I destroy it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:23, Reply)

My sister has one of me on my first day at highschool
That she uses for blackmail purposes fairly regularly. Everytime I bring a boy home, she gets it out.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:25, Reply)

lol fanny joke

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:27, Reply)

My Dad had one of my Sister in her old Brownie uniform
Unfortunately she only ever brought one boyfriend home, so it ruined all the fun!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:27, Reply)

Is this the sister that lives in Macc?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:28, Reply)

aye
on a mutherfucking boat. Her ferret (still not a euphamism) fell in the canal on Saturday and she got annoyed because I couldn't find that anything other than hilarious.

Wait a minute, you're insinuating that you can get to the photo first aren't you?!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:32, Reply)

Yes, yes I am
Although I'm unsure how to bring that up - "Hi, I know your sister off the internet, I'm here to get a photo of her as a child, hur hur"

Can't see it going too well...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:34, Reply)

she's pretty naive, she'd probably be all "yes of course, come in"

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:43, Reply)

Haha, shouldn't have told me that!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:56, Reply)

Aged 8
lolcatholic
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:25, Reply)

You look like you're awaiting a spanging...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:26, Reply)

I'm probably too late to join in here....
but, What's it worth??
(Kip, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Ugly Duckling into Swan sort of thing?
I've gone the other way, I quite like the way I looked at 17-18, now I can't have photos in which I don't have a double chin.

Ah well, that's why I'm on the salad, and in the gym!

In all seriousness though, I've seen the "friends sleeping together" scenario too many times, something has to change if you're not willing to be together, or you can end up with feelings you don't want, and be incredibly hurt if they end up with someone else.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Were you aware of this?
I suffered from great delusions of grandeur during my early teens, I thought I was ace. I wish I knew that I was a fat faced idiot. It's alright now though because I've svelte and dashing. Lost another stone over the summer and people are falling over themselves to tell me how good I look. Compared to how I was before, anyway.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:21, Reply)

Yes, very.
I didn't care though as I had no interest in the opposite sex at all at the time. Or the same sex.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:26, Reply)

PANDERTRON

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Is AA wanting to add himself to the queue?

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:50, Reply)

It seems that every single time I compliment anyone I get accused of pandering
Am I really viewed as that immature? I've had my internet romance, and no wish to repeat it.

It's simply being nice.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:52, Reply)

it was a bit simpering. If she says she was ugly, she was probably ugly.
I know I was.

I SAID WAS, shut up Chompy.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Meh, just gets a bit irritating tbh

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:56, Reply)

it's pissing me off just reading about it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Waaahhh

(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:28, Reply)

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:29, Reply)

I think the waaahmbulance needs to be anthropomorphised
give it sad eyes and a waaah mouth.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:44, Reply)

he's not being a girl
he's being a nasty manipulative shit. although, if he's young he might not quite realise that, I suppose.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:53, Reply)

Tbh, I don't think he realises it that way, he thinks he's just trying to protect himself, when hiding from the problem will make it worse, not easier
very nearly said 'harder', quite glad I didn't
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:56, Reply)

That's why I put in the qualifier
I didn't want to seem to harsh on him. But that IS what he is doing, and he needs to understand that, or he'll carry on doing it to others as well, and it really isn't a nice thing to do to anyone.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:58, Reply)

I agree
Currently, I've got it with a girl(K) and lad(H) I'm mates with. Made worse by the fact that the lads brother (J) is in love with K, and has been for years. He's firmly in the friend zone though.

Now, K has moved on, after H said he couldn't do it anymore, and didn't want to see her. Then, a week later, he wanted to see her again, and tried it on. Now, she's also out with other lads at the minute, so H both hates and loves K.

It's frankly fucking pathetic and irritating, but as I've been in the same situation with K myself, I help out where I can.

TL;DR - Lad sleeps with girl, can't 'be' with her, hates/loves her now.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:04, Reply)

If he's a friend of FLP
maybe you could talk to him about it before you tell the weirdo to get knotted. He might know how he's likely to respond.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:40, Reply)

No awful idea,
how would you feel if rather than talking to you directly they moan about your behaviour to your mates.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Certainly I'd prefer to be told up front
I suppose it depends on how good a friend FLP is. His behaviour does seem somewhat irregular so I just wonder if it might be worth considering his state of mind before delivering something as blunt as 'fuck off'.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Alt Q: Cat trampoline (as in a trampoline for cats)
For old cats that have trouble jumping up on things, or for younger cats who just want to jump that little bit higher.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Hmmmm.
Dear obsessive boy, you're freaking me out, get off my case. Your needy attention-seeking is a massive turn-off and I only gave you my number because you pestered me and it seemed like an easy way to shut you up. For future reference this is not an attractive way of pulling and if you don't back off I'll call the police.

Dear lovely friend, I'm so sad you've decided to end our friendship. I do think things could work out between us if we took things a little further and tried to get closer, but I'm worried it'll ruin a great friendship. What do you think? I reckon it'd be great if we coyld talk it through and see where we end up.

Alternatively, shoot them both in the throat with a paintball gun.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:43, Reply)

obsessive boy Monty
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:46, Reply)

Noel scores 10/10 as usual!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:47, Reply)

Winnah!

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:53, Reply)

Chompy's answer is spot on for the first one.
The second one is totally trying to guilt trip you into going out with him. Run for the fucking hills.

Or more seriously, just tell him "I'm sorry you feel that way but while we get on brilliantly, there is simply a spark missing. I would hate to lose you as a friend but we can't be more than that"

Or just show him this

cock link is cock. see below.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:49, Reply)

A broken link?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:49, Reply)

that'll fucking show him

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:50, Reply)

YEAH!
404 the fuck out of him.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Error: feelings not found.
Would you like to look somewhere else?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:54, Reply)

haha
there's an excellent bit in the new Futurama where Amy says "Him? He's just a wine waiter robot, he doesn't have feelings!" and the robot goes "hopes.....deleted"
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Cuntsticks.
try this
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:51, Reply)

WELCOME TO MY FUCKING LIFE

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Welcome to most people's lives
It's why XKCD is so popular, he writes comics that make people think "Fuck, that's me!".
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:54, Reply)

S'true, there's a comic for pretty much every occasion, and if not already, we're pretty sure that there will be a relevant one one day
Though it's all well and good being nice but if you're not hot it won't get you anywhere. Not even with people who wouldn't get any otherwise.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Like I no rite?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Lampitoooooooooooooooooooooo

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:02, Reply)

Get with a hero
*finger pistols*
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:56, Reply)

ELP were shit
I don't imagine FLP will be much better.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Get them all in a room together
Get them all drunk, then have a fight to the death, winner takes Applebite to bed.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 11:57, Reply)

How very Scott Pilgrim
I think this may be the answer...
(berk, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Of course you'll need a token girl too.
And themed weaponry.

I baggsie the part of Wallace Wells.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Yay
I approve of this post.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:12, Reply)

You just want to see men
fighting so you can take another one to add to your pile.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:12, Reply)

I do not have a man pile!

(berk, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:13, Reply)

You really, really
want one though.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:14, Reply)

I really really don't
it would be all complicated and messy. messy messier
(berk, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:18, Reply)

I doubt you'd have
any problem controlling the mess.

I think you should lend one to Applebite though.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Are they arranged into more of a human pyramid shape then?

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:14, Reply)

There is no pile, heap or otherwise quantity of men.

(berk, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:18, Reply)

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:20, Reply)

there is a quantity
even 2 is a quantity. And you're a scientist, you should know that.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:33, Reply)

Naked and blindfolded
it's like Gitmo all over Chez berk.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Yeah, she's not that fussy!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:16, Reply)

I'm totally cool with this.
FLP boxes.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:07, Reply)

but Mieran (name changed, aren't I sly?)
punches people for fun.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:08, Reply)

And breaks his hand doing so.
I can't remember what happened to the guy he punched, but I think he got knocked out.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:12, Reply)

He sounds a prick
It's the same as someone who does a Martial Art using it to break someone's arm, if you're trained, you should be careful.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:13, Reply)

he's clearly not trained
otherwise he wouldn't have broken his own hand. He's obviously a spastic.

Mind you, if he was punching someone when not in a fight that he couldn't avoid then he is a dick anyway
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:14, Reply)

I said this
angry young man is angry.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:17, Reply)

Noooo,
Two different people. The boxer is not the one who punched someone's lights out.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:15, Reply)

Ahh, that's not so bad then
I just have a perennial hatred of anyone who tries this, after a lad who used to do weird holds on me his Dad had shown him, they were fucking agony.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:17, Reply)

wrestling is so homosexual

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:25, Reply)

Not wrestling, I think his Dad was a policeman or summat
These were holds to restrain people
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:29, Reply)

someone discovered that doing the vulcan death grip on me makes me fall over
it was well annoying.

Luckily they've forgotten about it now.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:33, Reply)

Haha!
I taught my nephew this.
( girlinthehole, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:35, Reply)

It's always painful
when they go in dry
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:27, Reply)

You'd know

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:30, Reply)

ditch the freak
by being firm but kind, and if that fails, by being blunt.

tell the friend it's not there for you and you'll wait to hear from him when he is ready just to be mates.

done!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:08, Reply)

"...couldn't get out of giving him my number..."
But you did. Sorry - no sympathy at all. The obvious solution is to call and tell him to fuck right off.
Person number two. Tell him to MTFU and be friends. If he can't do that, you have no choice but to tell him to fuck right off.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:12, Reply)

If I hadn't given it to him, he would have gotten it off FLP.
And I couldn't be mean to him when FLP was sat watching. I don't want him to know what a bitch I am just yet.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:29, Reply)

Refusing to give a number is not being 'mean' or 'a bitch'.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:49, Reply)

Sadly, that's not how teenage boys see it.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:54, Reply)

I hate you.
Well actually I don't hate you because you're a nice girl but I just hate you in theory.
( girlinthehole, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:24, Reply)

Plus, you're pretty much incapable of hate

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:30, Reply)

True.
Although I can muster up a whole heap of it when I've been treated like shit.
( girlinthehole, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:32, Reply)

Same for me
I just get mild bad moods
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:34, Reply)

Why have got you the rage Blousie?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:31, Reply)

Because I've never had to fend off unwanted attention.

( girlinthehole, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:34, Reply)

You're not alone in that.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:35, Reply)

You're crap at pandering.
You're supposed to say 'I find that hard to believe'.

Shall we try again.


Jeff, I've never had to fend off unwanted attention.
( girlinthehole, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:38, Reply)

Well I find that hard to believe.
Tell you what will cheer you up.

My cold. It's come back to the power of ten. I feel worse now than I did last week.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:41, Reply)

Get thee to a doctor you mong.

( girlinthehole, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:42, Reply)

On a Monday?
It'll be busy.

I'll go tomorrow unless there is an improvement. I think I'm just run down and jacking in work has left me exposed to illness.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:44, Reply)

in off at
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:57, Reply)

It's freaky twats like that guy, why guys like me generally don't go around asking people out.
I'm personally blaming him for my current International Relationship-Credit Crunch.

Tell him to go do one in the harshest and most public possible terms, that'll learn him for reading the messages totally wrong.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 12:25, Reply)

Psh
If you haven't been impregnated by a bloke within 24 hours of meeting them the relationship isn't worth having.
( Captain V, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 13:01, Reply)

That's why our relationship is so special

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 13:02, Reply)

You're not President Obama!

( Captain V, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 13:05, Reply)

very late to the party but...
Live by the cock, die by the cock. Sex complicates things even if you think nothing of it so there might not be a way to save the friendship. Try keeping your legs closed for a few hours ;)

With regard to the mental case, tell him to his face and preferably in front of other people that you are not interested and he has to stop texting you. If you can convince him there and then to delete your number from his phone even better. Weirdos like that need a strong hit with the socially acceptable stick.
( djtrialprice, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 14:40, Reply)