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This is a question Lies that got out of control

Ever claimed you could speak a foreign language to impress friends, colleagues and/or get laid? Make a twat of yourself - and I couldn't possibly comment - saying you were the godson of the chairman of BP? Tell us how your porkies have caught up with you

(Thanks to augsav and Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic for the suggestions)

(, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 13:03)
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This question is now closed.

You're really interesting/clever/pretty/talented.
CF: I love your music/art/poetry.
(, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 11:05, 1 reply)
Pathological liar at my new local pub
So far, he has stated the following:

That he was worked 'within the internet' for 30 years (whatever that actually means) despite the fact that a) the Internet hasn't been around for that long and b) he's in his late thirties at most.

He's flown Concorde. As in actually flown one.

The Russian mafia are after him.

He's very wealthy, even going so far as to inform me that he had 'earnt thousands' in the time it took him to tell me the above.

He could organise my death if he wanted to, something he felt compelled to tell after after I called him a fucking wanker following his revelation above.

It does take all sorts, I suppose.
(, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 11:04, 2 replies)
I lied,
I said I was last and I wasn't and it got all out of control and now they're all like "Whoa...Last".

And all that.
(, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 10:57, Reply)
MOM: Did you brush your teeth?
Of course mum! . This went on for many of the years up until the age of 14. Of course I did anything but brush my teeth. I just made noises like I did, gargled some water and went to bed.

Fast forward 20 years and I've just returned from the dentist with a £500 dental bill. I can only see it getting worse from here.
(, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 8:54, 2 replies)
im a geek
but in this case I tried to be a geek outside my comfort-zone...

many blue moons ago I washed dishes for pocket money.
I knew some stuff then, not much of it any use.
I don't remember how it started but one of the waitresses I worked with became impressed with my knowledge of said stuff.

So she asked for more...

"Tell me more bodily facts, salty_peters" she said.

Not wanting to disappoint, I promptly told her that you need to fart 15 times a day to maintain a healthy colon.

Damn you, mis-remembered informational NHS brodcasts...

so yeah. we didn't hit it off.
(, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 2:47, 1 reply)
Hi ! My name is KEVIN MITNIK ( the famous computer hacker )
Years ago, when MYSPACE had just arrived.. i realised that i could pretend to be anyone i wanted to be.

I researched the life of Kevin Mitnik made a profile that looked very authentic and day to day accepted lots of fans.

my page even had links to amazon where you could purchase his latest books

i started answering their questions about my books ( i mean his books) etc and even giving advice on illegal computer hacking activities.

I eventually deleted it when some of the die hard fans got too nosey and started asking too many questions.
(, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 1:34, Reply)
why won't they believe me?
there is a small group of children that live close to me who, for some reason, believe that i am their ex music teacher. i've tried explaining to them that i'm not, nor have i ever been, a teacher.
this did not work. they called me a liar.
i showed them my I.D, to prove i was not mrs. whatsherface music teacher.
they still didn't believe me.
i even ran into them once when i was with my sister. she told them i was not and had never been a teacher.
they didn't believe her, either.
it's now got to the point where, when they say "hello, mrs. whatshername music teacher!", i simply smile and say "hello".
it's just easier.
(, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 0:21, 1 reply)
Grandma's hands
A while back I was with a young lady who I had only been aquatinted with for a few boozy hours and she was in the process of getting my old german soldier goose-stepping good and proper, and, just as the one-eyed postman was about to deliver his parcel, a song came on the stereo,

It was bill withers 'grandma's hands'

I have lied to my self for a long time 'I did not cum whilst receiving a hand job whilst thinking about my Gran's hands doing it'

oh the shame, I could not wash enough, thoughts cannot be unthought,

which is why I now perform coitus blindfolded and in complete silence......
(, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 23:45, 1 reply)
I'll do it in a minute, Mum.
In a minute, mum.
In a minute, mum!
Wait Mum, Just a minute.
I'll do it in a minute Mum, promise.
Don't look at me like that, I'll do it in a minute!

"Did you do that thing I asked?"
*Evil glare*
I'll do it in a minute.

And repeat.
(, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 22:04, 1 reply)
My favourite lie is probably "The ancient Mayans maintained that the Porch is the most erotic room in the house".

I told this to my cousin Dolph back in the summer of 2004. At first he challenged it, claiming I'd made it up to make the Mayans seem cool. I countered this with, they dont care about being cool, they cut people's heads off for a laugh and they danced about naked to impress their God.
Seemingly swayed by this defence, he shut his fat gob for a couple of minutes before coming back at me again with "...okay....perhaps... but isnt the concept of eroticism quite a subjective one? Would an entire civilization of people be able to agree on what is and isnt erotic?"....

I punched Dolph and mentioned to him that I found his name idiotic. He begun to cry and agreed that his name was indeed stupid and far too phonetically similar to Rolf for him ever to wear it comfortably.
I considered the argument to have been well and truly won and casually wandered downstairs to jerk off in his mum's porch.
(, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 21:34, Reply)
I was eight years old...
When I was seven years old my parents split up. Although they went to parents evenings together and could be in the same room together they didn't discuss a great amount between them. I discovered this the first Christmas they split up. I was asked separately by both my Mum and Dad what I wanted for Christmas. As a 7 year old with recently separated parents it didn't enter my head that they would be purchasing the presents in isolation so I gave them both the same answer:

Wet Wet Wet's Greatest Hits
And a Slinky

For Christmas I got two copies of Wet Wet Wet's Greatest Hits, Two games of Cluedo and two slinkies.

It was this discovery that lead to the lie. My Mum was always extremely careful with allowing me medicines. I have asthma so cough syrup was forbidden. I was also a child with a permanent cold and was quite used to standing in the pharmacy while my Mum chose an appropriate remedy. I desperately wanted a Vicks inhaler but my Mum quickly poo pooed that idea because it was "too strong" and could affect my asthma. The fact that I wasn't allowed this Vicks inhaler meant that the fantasticness of the Vicks inhaler grew to gargantuan proportions and I was DESPERATE to get one.

One weekend when my Dad came to pick me up for the day I had one of my usual colds. My Dad said he would take me to the pharmacy; once inside I saw my opportunity whilst my Dad was inexpertly browsing cold medicines suitable for children. I picked up the Vicks Inhaler and held it out to my Dad.

My heart was pounding in my chest and I began to feel a bit sick. I couldn't believe I was going to try and pull this lie off. My tongue was cleaved to the roof of my mouth and I attempted to say in a casual manner whilst blushing furiously:

"Mum says that this is the best thing...."

My lie hung dangerously in the air for a few seconds as my Dad scowled at the packet. I thought he was going to twig that I was lying, I could hear my heart beating faster and faster.

After an eternity he said "OK then" seemingly relieved of being excused the burden of choosing the cold remedy. As we left the shop and he passed me the little paper pharmacy bag containing my prize of Vicks inhaler I allowed myself a little secret smile of glee at having illictly gained a Vicks Inhaler. I opened it, inserted into my nostril and sniffed. My excitement at having got my hands on it made up the for fact that it really wasn't as incredible as I'd hoped and just smelt like menthol.

Still, that didn't stop me having it perpetually stuck up my nose. The following day as I packed my overnight bag I carefully secreted the Vicks Inhaler in a pair of clean knickers (I don't know why but it seemed like a good idea at the time), when my Dad dropped me off my heart started pounding on the approach to my Mum's house in case my Dad felt it necessary to tell my Mum what he's purchased. Fortunately he just dropped me at the door and left.


I kept my Vicks inhaler in my bedside cabinet and sniffed it to my hearts content for about 3 weeks until the thrill of the methol smell had worn off. I felt slightly cheated that the Vicks Inhaler hadn't changed my life quite as I'd hoped. Then I forgot about it and my LIE.

A week or so later my Mum and Dad decided to have one of their faux friendly catch ups and to my horror I heard my Dad say "How's Fireyfox's cold been since I got her that Vicks Inhaler?"

I prayed the earth would open up in front of me. I suddenly felt like my tea was about to make a sudden reappearance on the carpet. "What?" asked my Mum immediately turning to look at me with a quizzical expression. I was clearly looking as guilty as a puppy next to a pile of poo, that combined with my Mumís knowledge of my wheedling for one whenever we were in the pharmacy meant she immediately realised what Iíd done.

I got up and fled upstairs and hid behind the door. My parents soon followed and convinced me to come out and they gave me a real telling off, I think I might have even got a wallop on the bottom. I cried. For years afterwards whenever the subject of someone being naughty came up in conversation in company both of my parents would tell everyone of my LIE about the Vicks Inhaler and I would feel ashamed.

I still can't walk past a Vicks Inhaler without shuddering.
(, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 18:57, 8 replies)
The Year was 1942...
Some jews were at a holiday camp in Germany. Rabinowitz farted in the shower. Goldstein and Schneider were so overcome by the fumes they both passed out and later died. Fast forward to 2010 and 5 million died in the shower. Go figure.
(, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 18:12, 2 replies)
I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

B. Clinton.

...but I did jizz on her dress
(, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 18:09, Reply)
I'm not sure it was "out of control" as such...
...but telling my friend at school that my dad drove an old Volvo estate and did not in fact have a Porsche 917 (as raced by Steve McQueen in the film Le Mans", only to get the answer "Yes he has, I've seen it!" puzzled me somewhat :)

EDIT: Ooh, candle day!
(, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 17:49, 2 replies)
I said I knew how to fly the plane...
..and it spiralled out of control.
(, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 17:30, Reply)

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