You're really interesting/clever/pretty/talented.
CF: I love your music/art/poetry.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 11:05, 1 reply)

Pathological liar at my new local pub
So far, he has stated the following:

That he was worked 'within the internet' for 30 years (whatever that actually means) despite the fact that a) the Internet hasn't been around for that long and b) he's in his late thirties at most.

He's flown Concorde. As in actually flown one.

The Russian mafia are after him.

He's very wealthy, even going so far as to inform me that he had 'earnt thousands' in the time it took him to tell me the above.

He could organise my death if he wanted to, something he felt compelled to tell after after I called him a fucking wanker following his revelation above.

It does take all sorts, I suppose.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 11:04, 2 replies)

I lied,
I said I was last and I wasn't and it got all out of control and now they're all like "Whoa...Last".

And all that.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 10:57, Reply)

MOM: Did you brush your teeth?
Of course mum! . This went on for many of the years up until the age of 14. Of course I did anything but brush my teeth. I just made noises like I did, gargled some water and went to bed.

Fast forward 20 years and I've just returned from the dentist with a £500 dental bill. I can only see it getting worse from here.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 8:54, 2 replies)

im a geek
but in this case I tried to be a geek outside my comfort-zone...

many blue moons ago I washed dishes for pocket money.
I knew some stuff then, not much of it any use.
I don't remember how it started but one of the waitresses I worked with became impressed with my knowledge of said stuff.

So she asked for more...

"Tell me more bodily facts, salty_peters" she said.

Not wanting to disappoint, I promptly told her that you need to fart 15 times a day to maintain a healthy colon.

Damn you, mis-remembered informational NHS brodcasts...

so yeah. we didn't hit it off.
(salty_peters, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 2:47, 1 reply)

Hi ! My name is KEVIN MITNIK ( the famous computer hacker )
Years ago, when MYSPACE had just arrived.. i realised that i could pretend to be anyone i wanted to be.

I researched the life of Kevin Mitnik en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Mitnick made a profile that looked very authentic and day to day accepted lots of fans.

my page even had links to amazon where you could purchase his latest books

i started answering their questions about my books ( ..um i mean his books) etc and even giving advice on illegal computer hacking activities.

I eventually deleted it when some of the die hard fans got too nosey and started asking too many questions.
(die " the end of the world has TITS on it ", Thu 19 Aug 2010, 1:34, Reply)

why won't they believe me?
there is a small group of children that live close to me who, for some reason, believe that i am their ex music teacher. i've tried explaining to them that i'm not, nor have i ever been, a teacher.
this did not work. they called me a liar.
i showed them my I.D, to prove i was not mrs. whatsherface music teacher.
they still didn't believe me.
i even ran into them once when i was with my sister. she told them i was not and had never been a teacher.
they didn't believe her, either.
it's now got to the point where, when they say "hello, mrs. whatshername music teacher!", i simply smile and say "hello".
it's just easier.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 0:21, 1 reply)

Grandma's hands
A while back I was with a young lady who I had only been aquatinted with for a few boozy hours and she was in the process of getting my old german soldier goose-stepping good and proper, and, just as the one-eyed postman was about to deliver his parcel, a song came on the stereo,

It was bill withers 'grandma's hands'

I have lied to my self for a long time 'I did not cum whilst receiving a hand job whilst thinking about my Gran's hands doing it'

oh the shame, I could not wash enough, thoughts cannot be unthought,


which is why I now perform coitus blindfolded and in complete silence......
(Rco has been clean and sober since, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 23:45, 1 reply)

I'll do it in a minute, Mum.
In a minute, mum.
In a minute, mum!
Mum! IN. A. MINUTE!
IN A MINUTE, MUM!
Wait Mum, Just a minute.
I'll do it in a minute Mum, promise.
Don't look at me like that, I'll do it in a minute!

"Did you do that thing I asked?"
No...
*Evil glare*
I'll do it in a minute.

And repeat.
( Trogdos The Raging Cuntmuffin, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 22:04, 1 reply)

Mayans.
My favourite lie is probably "The ancient Mayans maintained that the Porch is the most erotic room in the house".

I told this to my cousin Dolph back in the summer of 2004. At first he challenged it, claiming I'd made it up to make the Mayans seem cool. I countered this with, they dont care about being cool, they cut people's heads off for a laugh and they danced about naked to impress their God.
Seemingly swayed by this defence, he shut his fat gob for a couple of minutes before coming back at me again with "...okay....perhaps... but isnt the concept of eroticism quite a subjective one? Would an entire civilization of people be able to agree on what is and isnt erotic?"....

I punched Dolph and mentioned to him that I found his name idiotic. He begun to cry and agreed that his name was indeed stupid and far too phonetically similar to Rolf for him ever to wear it comfortably.
I considered the argument to have been well and truly won and casually wandered downstairs to jerk off in his mum's porch.
(Andrew Avetoom, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 21:34, Reply)

I was eight years old...
When I was seven years old my parents split up. Although they went to parents evenings together and could be in the same room together they didn't discuss a great amount between them. I discovered this the first Christmas they split up. I was asked separately by both my Mum and Dad what I wanted for Christmas. As a 7 year old with recently separated parents it didn't enter my head that they would be purchasing the presents in isolation so I gave them both the same answer:

Wet Wet Wet's Greatest Hits
Cluedo
And a Slinky

For Christmas I got two copies of Wet Wet Wet's Greatest Hits, Two games of Cluedo and two slinkies.

It was this discovery that lead to the lie. My Mum was always extremely careful with allowing me medicines. I have asthma so cough syrup was forbidden. I was also a child with a permanent cold and was quite used to standing in the pharmacy while my Mum chose an appropriate remedy. I desperately wanted a Vicks inhaler but my Mum quickly poo pooed that idea because it was "too strong" and could affect my asthma. The fact that I wasn't allowed this Vicks inhaler meant that the fantasticness of the Vicks inhaler grew to gargantuan proportions and I was DESPERATE to get one.

One weekend when my Dad came to pick me up for the day I had one of my usual colds. My Dad said he would take me to the pharmacy; once inside I saw my opportunity whilst my Dad was inexpertly browsing cold medicines suitable for children. I picked up the Vicks Inhaler and held it out to my Dad.

My heart was pounding in my chest and I began to feel a bit sick. I couldn't believe I was going to try and pull this lie off. My tongue was cleaved to the roof of my mouth and I attempted to say in a casual manner whilst blushing furiously:

"Mum says that this is the best thing...."

My lie hung dangerously in the air for a few seconds as my Dad scowled at the packet. I thought he was going to twig that I was lying, I could hear my heart beating faster and faster.

After an eternity he said "OK then" seemingly relieved of being excused the burden of choosing the cold remedy. As we left the shop and he passed me the little paper pharmacy bag containing my prize of Vicks inhaler I allowed myself a little secret smile of glee at having illictly gained a Vicks Inhaler. I opened it, inserted into my nostril and sniffed. My excitement at having got my hands on it made up the for fact that it really wasn't as incredible as I'd hoped and just smelt like menthol.

Still, that didn't stop me having it perpetually stuck up my nose. The following day as I packed my overnight bag I carefully secreted the Vicks Inhaler in a pair of clean knickers (I don't know why but it seemed like a good idea at the time), when my Dad dropped me off my heart started pounding on the approach to my Mum's house in case my Dad felt it necessary to tell my Mum what he's purchased. Fortunately he just dropped me at the door and left.

HURRAH!!

I kept my Vicks inhaler in my bedside cabinet and sniffed it to my hearts content for about 3 weeks until the thrill of the methol smell had worn off. I felt slightly cheated that the Vicks Inhaler hadn't changed my life quite as I'd hoped. Then I forgot about it and my LIE.

A week or so later my Mum and Dad decided to have one of their faux friendly catch ups and to my horror I heard my Dad say "How's Fireyfox's cold been since I got her that Vicks Inhaler?"

I prayed the earth would open up in front of me. I suddenly felt like my tea was about to make a sudden reappearance on the carpet. "What?" asked my Mum immediately turning to look at me with a quizzical expression. I was clearly looking as guilty as a puppy next to a pile of poo, that combined with my Mum’s knowledge of my wheedling for one whenever we were in the pharmacy meant she immediately realised what I’d done.

I got up and fled upstairs and hid behind the door. My parents soon followed and convinced me to come out and they gave me a real telling off, I think I might have even got a wallop on the bottom. I cried. For years afterwards whenever the subject of someone being naughty came up in conversation in company both of my parents would tell everyone of my LIE about the Vicks Inhaler and I would feel ashamed.

I still can't walk past a Vicks Inhaler without shuddering.
(Fireyfox is prepared to change, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 18:57, 8 replies)

The Year was 1942...
Some jews were at a holiday camp in Germany. Rabinowitz farted in the shower. Goldstein and Schneider were so overcome by the fumes they both passed out and later died. Fast forward to 2010 and 5 million died in the shower. Go figure.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 18:12, 2 replies)

Shirley...
I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

B. Clinton.

...but I did jizz on her dress
(RTFM May your god go with you, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 18:09, Reply)

I'm not sure it was "out of control" as such...
...but telling my friend at school that my dad drove an old Volvo estate and did not in fact have a Porsche 917 (as raced by Steve McQueen in the film Le Mans", only to get the answer "Yes he has, I've seen it!" puzzled me somewhat :)


EDIT: Ooh, candle day!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 17:49, 2 replies)

I said I knew how to fly the plane...
..and it spiralled out of control.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 17:30, Reply)

Don't accidentally take the piss out of a Scot
or, How I Nearly Got Glassed.

Now, I have in the past been referred to as 'an accent vacuum'. It was a joke, but it's also true; I can't seem to help myself. Chat to anyone with a strong accent and chances are I'll have picked it up within ten minutes. The only exception to this rule - one I am truly grateful for - has been the avoiding the appalling patois of the Midlands, where I currently live. (For those not in the know, the Birmingham accent is like fingernails down the blackboard of your soul)

Anyway, I digress. A few years ago I went up to Dundee to visit a mate of mine at uni. As you'd expect, we met at the train station and immediately took ourselves to a place where liquid refreshment could be bought, and indeed was bought in some quantity. During one of my many trips to the bar I got chatting to a couple of hilariously drunken bar proppers and found myself quickly developing a scots twang that would make Mel Gibson weep in envy. However, as I was now somewhat refreshed my attention started to waver along with my accent, and the younger of the two regulars grew suspicious.

‘Aye, ye’re no local. How come you’re in Dundee the day?’
I explained I’d come to visit my friend and he nodded sagely.
‘Come far?’ – a couple of hours on the train. He immediately scowled.
‘No fae south o the fuckin border?’ – yes, I’m at uni in Durham. He relaxed a little then, and so did I – even in my mildly addled state I could tell he’d been getting a little over aggressive. This, as it turned out, was a mistake. Eventually he asked me where I was from. Remembering how he’d seem a little -ahem- anti English, I cautiously said ‘Edinburgh’ – this being the only Scottish city I’d been to previously. I hoped, incorrectly as it turned out, that this would allow me to sidle away, go for a piss and finish my pint in peace with my friend. It did not.

‘Aye, I know Edinburgh,’ says he, and begins to regale me with tales of – well – Edinburgh. I can only nod and mumble, my knowledge of the place being a pubic hair’s width greater than fuck all. He begins to look suspicious again and despite my best efforts to back away, he grips my arm and treats me to a lecture about how English students are ruining the place and how ‘a wee Scottish lassie like you shouldnae leave tae go tae some fuckin poofy southern university’. He ranted on for some minutes, by which point by bladder was so full I could feel the piss creeping in to my eyes in an attempt to leave by my tear ducts – anything to relieve the pressure.

Eventually, almost in agony, I cut in: ‘Look mate – I’m sorry, but I really have to go to the bathroom.’ All delivered in my normal Lancashire accent. FUCK. I’m rumbled – my erstwhile companion now resembles Vesuvius about to blow.

‘I thought you said you was fae Edinburgh!’ he thundered. Instead of cutting my losses and running away, I stutteringly assure him that this is so and that my dad had to move down to Manchester for work when I was 10 – a complete fabrication. He rumbled for a bit more and I scarpered for a piss, before returning to my bemused friend, urging him to drink up. Against my better judgement, he insists we stay for another pint and goes to the bar, where of course he is cornered by the suspicious bar propper.

Unaware of the thick and dubious layer of bullshit I have spread, upon questioning he tells the now affable chap the truth - he's studying here, I've come to visit him, and yes we're both english. This elicits a bellow of rage and an untelligible cry of something along the lines of 'Yefuckinpisstakinbitchye!' (which I later realised was 'I suspect you may have been telling porkies' in Dundee dialect). He staggers through the pub and started to berate me, pint in hand, before dropping his pint, realising in rage that he has dropped his pint, then picked up the remnants of my friend's pint and chucked it at me - missing by worryingly few inches. Terrifyingly, he then tried to snatch my glass out of my hand and smash it in my face. In an amazing show of bravado cowardice I screamed like a girl and fucked off sharpish, leaving my mate to deal with the drunken mental who was trying to concuss him with a barstool.

Moral of the story? Don't go to a scary ass local pub in Dundee just because it does cheap pints. And don't take the piss out of scottish people, either.
(berk, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 16:11, 9 replies)

When young children realise that you're lying to them for your and others' amusement
It can be disasterous, as they will then go along with it and start asking all sorts of related questions.

So I would advise not telling them that Wednesday divided by purple equals pineapple, as you will end up having to quick-fire respond to what the average weight of music is and what happens when the moon goes out during the day within moments.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 16:09, Reply)

I have read
and agree to the terms and conditions.
(Brambly Slag is strangely attracted to Steve Buscemi, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 16:04, 4 replies)

Not me
A lad who used to work for our firm, was constantly late or just not there on Mondays.

So he gets pulled into the office and asked to explain. His answer:

"I have AIDS"

Where on earth do you go from there?
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 13:26, 14 replies)

Craig . . . . "Aye"
My old flatmate used to work with a compulsive liar called Craig. This is just one of the many many countless whoppers Craig told in his ongoing quest to appear as the Coolest Guy Ever.

Craig said "aye" a lot. Mainly because after uttering his latest line of verbal bullshit, his dumbfounded audience always asked "Really?". "Aye", Craig would reply, before adding the next chapter in his imaginary saga.

Each day my flatmate would come stumbling in from work, unable to walk through debilitating laughter, saying "You won't believe what Craig said today".

Toothless Craig was the uber chav, or ned here in Scotland. He lived with his mum in a decaying sink estate on the edge of town, and he often bragged about his narcotic prowess. In this case, the amount of lies he told just to stop being caught out on a single whopper escalated lying to a new level.

The conversation between Craig and my flatmate had gone thus:

Flatmate: "So Craig, if you've got all these drugs in your house, aren't you worried about getting busted by the police?"

Craig: "Nut, cause I keep my drugs in a safe."

FM: "Fuck off! Really? You telling me they wouldn't check your safe?"

Craig: "Aye, but No they wouldnae. Cause I keep my safe in the shed."

FM (sighs): "The police would check the shed though."

Craig (triumphantly): "Aye, but no they wouldnae, cause I've got five sheds!"


Classy guy eh?

If I had the time I could describe all sorts of shite he came out with, including the dirty dancing story in which he apparently walked away with the hottest bird in the club (the language she used to pull him is even more comical).

Any time someone mentioned a celebrity, Craig's most famous line was uttered: "I ken the cunt."

Legend. I was gutted when he got the sack. For lying about a sicknote apparently
(Barry Subchimp, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 12:48, 3 replies)

Viz
I'm Fidel Castro and I have a squad of elite commandos secreted up my arse. I also shot JFK.

A. Prior
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 12:03, 7 replies)

Or "We'll keep your CV on file..."
When you just know they're going to subject it to the ritual humiliation of bukkake then feed it to a pack of crazed wolves.

Actually I work in recruitment and we do keep some CV's on file. But we do also have an in-tray, an out-tray and a bukkake-tray.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 12:03, 9 replies)

"Thanks for your application
We'll get back to you."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:11, Reply)

Ooops
One afternoon, I was sitting in a traditional English pub with my mate and for a bit of fun I invented a lie and said to him "I had a kebab for my breakfast". "That's disgusting!" he exclaimed quickly following up with "You fucking animal!". I defended my position by telling him "It's a perfectly reasonable morning meal. Forrins eat them. You'd eat a croisant wouldn't you? So why not a kebab?". The discussion continued for some time.

Unbeknownst to us, a visiting American tourist, who happened to be a pilot, was sitting nearby. He had heard everything. So startled was he by the breakfast antics of this "crazy limey" that he texted all of his mates, who also happened to be pilots, to tell them the shocking, gruesome and revolting fabricated facts. His mates who were flying at the time received the texts and due to a combination of replying "OMFG that is gross dude!" and temporarily losing vision because their brains could not digest such information whilst continuing to provide eye to brain connectivity, four of them crashed resulting in nearly three thousand dead and six thousand injured.

I ain't never going to lie about what I had for breakfast again.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:04, 4 replies)

But I'm a Real Girl!
Last summer whilst I was living back in Norfolk, I went to have an STD test (just to be a responsible adult y'know). I wasn't nervous, had them before. Went into the room to have a chat with the doctor before the testing- here is an extract of the converation:

Doctor: So Miss AFTN, are you in a relationship?

Me: No

Doctor: When was the last time you had sex?

Me: Two months ago.

Doctor: Ah ok, since you've said you've recently come back from travelling, was this with a man you met whilst in South America?

Me: Oh no, it was a local Norfolk lad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now here's what the answers SHOULD have been:

Doctor: So Miss AFTN, are you in a relationship?

Me: Yes

Doctor: When was the last time you had sex?

Me: Last weekend

Doctor: Ah ok, since you've said you've recently come back from travelling, was this with a man you met whilst in South America?

Me: No, it was with my girlfriend who lives in London.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have NO idea where these answers came from! They just came out, no thinking about it, no hesitation!

I'm not usually too bothered about people knowing about my sexuality. But there are exceptions, usually around older people. When I went on holiday a couple of years ago with my friend and her family, she told me not to mention I had a girlfriend in front of her grandparents as it was a generation/ religion thing.

Also I work with a girl from Ghana, who doesn't really understand it due to cultural differences.

I don't see my dad very often, prolly 3-4 times a year and I haven't got around to telling him as he's not the most open minded man I know.

I'm not very brave and HATE confrontation. So I have to censor what I say (or lie about my lifestyle) to different people. But only to people I hardly ever see so it's not like I'm leading a double life or owt! Can just be a bit difficult sometimes!

Yus I'm proud

I think I have issues.....
( awayfromthenumbers, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:57, 31 replies)

I won't invade Czechoslovakia
A. Hitler
(Psymon_Spark Jesus Saves! The rest of you take 4d6 damage, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:58, 5 replies)

The best lies are ones immediately picked up by a co-conspiritor without acknowledgement, for the porpoises of winding up others.
Sitting on the tube with a mate new to Mordor, we went through the as-then closed-for-the-duration Mornington Crescent.

"It's always closed" said newbie.

"Yeah" replied other mate, "Richard Branson's bought it - he's going to build a Virgin Megastore over it and advertise it as the first shop in London to have it's own tube station"

"Aye" I agreed, "They're going to rename it "Virgin Central". Blummin' capitalist bastards, raping our history and culture in pursuit of the Yankee dollar ..."

Several years later, we were delighted to go out with (by now not-so) new-to-London mate, and overhear him instructing a girl about this, and when she questioned how come it was open now, about how the deal had fallen through so he'd sold it back to the London Transport Network at a massive loss.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:57, 1 reply)

Gazza lied about having some chicken with him.
It ended badly.
(Cave Duck, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:33, Reply)

There's a guy works down the chip shop
He swears he's Elvis.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:28, 8 replies)

I was on Knightmare once.
No really. I was the one wearing the helmet who went through all the weird landscapes fighting goblins and whatnot. No, really. Impressed? Yeah, I bet you are. Come back to my tent (I was at a festival) and we'll do whatever it is men and women do with no clothes on in a tent. Awesome.

Thank you, Challenge TV, for showing Knightmare on a near endless loop that summer that I was on the dole. It really helped with the details.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 8:17, 6 replies)