Currying favours
In the back pages of Loot, I saw an advert for an Indian escort. She'd titled it "Trust me, I'm second to Naan".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:18, Reply)

To add to PJM's list:
{edit: and smile you love it's entry}

Descriptions by women -

Average build = fat
Slightly overweight = obese
Large = Enormous
Very slim = scrawny
Athletic = built like a brick shithouse
Bubbly = fat and annoyingly loud
Great personality = talks constantly in an attempt to disguise the fact she's got a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.

And why do they all like to go hillwalking?

By the way, I've nothing against overweight people - I used to be one - but if you're big, say so!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:17, Reply)

everyone say awwwww
i am currently in the middle of my 4th ! serious relationship break up, so may i take this opertunity to do a bit of free advertising.. *please note all the following is true*

28 year old male from the norwich area, 6'3 with dark hair and reasonable looks is kind caring, very considerate, generous and passionate, IT Manager

seeks female of around the same age or slightly younger for friendship leading in time possibly to more, preferably non smoker

dislikes *here we go*

- women who were mothered and therefore have no grasp of the real world, is unable to share in household things, has irrational fears and runs off back to mummy when one of these fears rears its ugly head

- woman who don't know what they want out of life who get bored easily but then cannot make a desicion about what they would like to do to resolve this issue, are happy to carry on a relationship for 2, 3, 4 or 5 years before deciding they want something different or that it wasn't gonna work and even go as far as saying "i thought i was in love with u"

- women with double standards about everything but especially money ! along the lines of "heres your £20 for the week to live on, HOW DARE YOU EVEN SUGGEST YOU MAY WANT AN EXTRA BAR OF CHOCLATE ONE DAY ?, now.. what do you think about this leather sofa ?" also double standards about the seeing of long term ex boyfiends yet not allowing me to see a 'girl' friend,

- woman who are easliy influenced by girly mates into moving their engagement rings/flirting so they can get chatted up etc and finally get pushed into ending the relationship.

- woman who just want a sperm donar for the baby they've always wanted but was never interested in my dream of settling down with a wife and couple of kids.

Likes

- any girl who appriciates a decent guy, likes the standard romantic gestures and appreciates them more when theres been a gap.

- any girl who is completely faithful and doesn't need the attention of anyone else

- any girl who can fight for a relationship to work and compromise with out arguments

- any girl who is honest

- any girl who realises there is a balance to relation ships

- any girl who can be as attentive to my needs as i will be to hers

- any girl who believes u need a hug now and then and a hug solves anything

END

yes i know im a big softy..

length ? well why don't u answer ? ;o)

Mod Edit: if you find someone special through this, can you let us know? *manly punch on shoulder*

edit: its mostly sposed to be a joke but like i said is all true.. and do get in touch if u want to lol
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:17, Reply)

follow on to PJM
as a singley in his late twenties ok mid fuckin thirties, I've noticed that the following also applies:
bubbly - fat
cuddly - fuckin fat
successful career woman - complete bitch
strong personality - angry at the world
likes long walks - to the chippy and back
great sense of humour - thinks everything they say is funny.
however:
looking for rommance - 1 bottle of wine and I'll be all over you
looking for fun times - shag on first night
on the other hand personal ads are not all bad.
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:16, Reply)

Confessions of a serial monogamist
As an interweb virgin in South Africa in mid '96, I quickly discovered the wonders of a world full of women who had no idea about my reputation. I posted an ad on various sites and waited for the replies, not expecting too many...

First one was an ad agency "exec". Arranged to meet at a local pub, but she was late. When she eventually pitched up, she was a bit jittery. Turned out they'd had a party at work to celebrate a new account, and she'd consumed rather more coke than Coke. So far so good, I thought, until she invited me into the ladies' with her to carry on the party. At 7pm-ish on a Tuesday, in a pub full of after-work yuppie scum. Tempting as her offer was, I had to decline, as I have a policy about getting stoned with a woman before I've shagged her.

Next was K from Seattle. We emailed for a while, then I got her phone number and a photo and called her. Lovely soft voice, looked attractive in her pic. Carried on emailing and phoning for a while, then she decided to visit me. After travelling for 32 hours, she arrived at Joburg airport on a sunny Sunday morning. I then realised what she'd meant by "Rubinesque". 6'1, the wrong side of 20 stone, dressed in dungaree shorts, green tights and 21-hole Docs. I don't think the looks I was getting from the other people were "You jammy sod", somehow. Anyway, she spent a week with me, met my parents, and introduced me to the definite delights of the larger woman. I promised to visit her as soon as I could, with the unmentioned motive of two weeks' free accommodation and chauffering around while job hunting in Seattle.

The big day. My first long-haul flight on my own, via Heathrow. The trip was surprisingly fun, the interviews went well, and Washington State is a great place - not really America at all. The only semi-scary experience was being stoned and underneath her on a king-size heated waterbed - it's like being smothered under a soft heavy mattress.

Got back to SA, met the first Mrs Paralytic a week later (on a US dating site, but we lived about a mile apart, and she'd been involved with a bloke I was at school with). Dumped K by email. As it begins, so shall it end. I was eternally grateful of the Atlantic and a few thousand miles of North America that separated me from K's understandable ire.

Marriage inevitably ended after a few years back in the UK, so back into the net personals. In the five years since I'd last used it, the number of gorgeous blonde Russian and Bulgarian women with net access had increased immensely. Especially those who were desperately looking for a tall scruffy mid-30s bloke from Blackburn.

Since then, I've done things the conventional way. At a mate's wedding, I met the Blow Job Queen of Borehamwood, for an extended meaningful overnight relationship. Now settled down with an early-30s hairdresser from Essex who has a predeliction for dressing up as a schoolgirl. Separated at birth from Nina Birch. Google her. You know you want to.
(CaptainParalytic, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:07, Reply)

internet munters
after splitting with my long term girl friend and feeling that I was very rusty in the chatting up department, I decided that I would look into the seedy world of interweb dating.

The alarm bells began to ring as soon as I began the search , finding laydeez whom were akin to socially retarded psychopaths who looked like they has been strained through the bed sheets on conception,

one fine example was called "carebear69" she was both ugly and stupid ( both qualities I posess myself and dont feel the need date some one with them too.) and would "fuck for drinks". needless to say I avoided getting Aids off that one by not even acknowledging her, and called it a day, thinking that if she was the best I could get off the internet I would rather be on my own.( and STD free)

I found very few people who I could safely say I would date with out having to kill my self in shame, so instead I took the easy root and got drunk and went out with my friends , easy!
(fpk, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:02, Reply)

Personals
I've dabbled in the realms of internet dating in the past, because I figured that I could weed out the interesting lasses from the fuckwits without investing in copious amounts of vodkas and coke, although I learned a few lessons. Words to watch are:

Ambitious = will bore you to tears about their career and who's toes they've stamped on along the way to get there
Outgoing = Promiscuous
Spirited = will get into a fight en route to date (yes, I've seen it happen).
Australian = all of the above
Likes keeping fit = Has been to the gym once in five years
Kind hearted = Recently dumped and on the rebound
Bit mad = Quite boring
Enjoys a drink = Wants you to fund an evening of piss artistry
Loves animals = Desperately wants kids, but has cats instead
Loves kids = Has four, wants someone - anyone - to pick up the tab
Has photo of Peugeot 206/Mini on profile = desperately boring. Avoid at all costs
Where have all the nice men gone? = All the men in the locality are wise to me and give me awide berth
Enjoys good wine = Enjoys Lambrini, by the bucketload
Likes to travel = went to Ibiza once
Loves films = Loves chickflicks about someone's new pair of shoes which ramble on for hours and star Hugh Grant
Loves books = as above but in paperback
Caring = Potential stalker
Bubbly = Will get on your tits
Pic shows closeup of bodypart = If all they've got going for them is a fuzzy image of tit or arse, would YOU want to get to know them?
Nursing professional = Will drink you under the table and indulge in frightening levels of debuchery
Ladylike = carries brick in her handbag
Lives in Canvey Island = smells

Before you're put off using t'internet in search of meaningful conversation, I should say that I've met one or two ladies who are actually very nice and who have become friends of mine.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:02, Reply)

Back in 1996...
...when I was still in Uni and t'net was still in its infancy and the most hi-tec information system in the house was Teletext, my housemates and I used to get drunk ad watch the dating ads scroll by. One night we spotted an ad from a gay Star Trek fan looking for a bloke who was a cross between Jean-Luc Picard and Phil Mitchell.

Now, our housemate Donkey wasn't gay but he was a huge Star Trek fan. More importantly, he wasn't in the house. So, we rang this guy up, put on a northern accent, and left a message that went somewhere along the lines of "I'd like to boldly go to Uranus."

I know. Comedy genius.

Anyway, next day and while we're sufferingfrom our collective hangovers the phone starts ringing. It's for Donkey. He takes the call, looks bemused, tries to explain that it must be a mistake or a wrong number, and hangs up before telling us how some guy was asking him how big his cock was. We all pulled suitably puzzled expressions and went on with our lives, each of us sneaking off to our rooms for a quick giggle when we could.

The next day, the phone goes. It's for Donkey. Again. Again, he explains that its a mistake, hangs up. And says the same thing the day after that. And the day after that too. And pretty much every day for the next six months until the guy finally got the hint and stopped calling... just in time for us all to graduate and leave the house anyway.
(mister_barfly, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:58, Reply)

Who Needed The Internet?
Way back in the dim and distant past I had a spell seconded to the United States Navy (Rocky Mountain Navy) at Lowry AFB in Denver.

Whilst there me and a lad from Pompi decided to expand our horizons and go to Las Vegas for the weekend (and on per-dium too)......

Once there and safely booked into The Hacienda Casino we went for a stroll to loosen up a bit.

Whilst perusing the local sites we discovered a street where there was row upon row of they little newspaper boxes you see on US telly programmes (put a quarter in take a paper out) only these were free.......

It turns out they were full of papers for the local chicken ranches and the like (i.e. prossies to the uninitiated).....

Bored house wives? Chicano's, Black's, Chinese and chunkies they were all suitably filled and sorted by brand.......... each paper had it's own "special"little thing..

They even came to you.... "Simply a phone call away"............

The bit that made us think was the "All Major Credit Cards Accepted" splashed throughout every paper, (yes we did peruse the contents and aye there was many a bonnie lass container therein).

This was in the early 90's when if you even had a credit card it had to be swiped inside a big fcuk off machine and you signed a stamped sheet of paper before you got your goodies.

What we could not get out heads around was the though of some fit bird knocking on your door with a Visa machine tucked under her arm and a pack of three in her pocket.


Personal ad's? They came to us............

Length about 10" x 3" x 1", with Visa written up the side........
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:55, Reply)

I read the "women seeking women" personals in the local rag for cheap thrills.
What?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:50, Reply)

TV Text dating
You all know those dating channels on Sky? The ones where you text in with messages, like a ridiculously expensive chatroom?

Well, a few friends and I, late one night, decided to try to get some of history's greatest bastards a date. Unfortunately all the messages are monitored/filtered, so Adolf Hitler was shot down in flames before his pining for love could be requited.

However, we struck great interest in the following ad: "Mature, refined gentleman, doctor, seeks older woman to look after for the rest of her days. Harry."

We were inundated with three whole responses wanting more information from Harry, including "what are you a doctor of?"

"Elderly care" was our response.

In case you're wondering, it is entirely possible to be banned from a text dating channel.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:50, Reply)

Me and a mate
decided it would be a hoot to place ads and get loads of replies (obviously). We could then get them to come round and I'd answer the door for his and vice versa. That way if they were minging we could just say 'Sorry, they had to go out.'
We never got round to doing it though.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:47, Reply)

About four years ago
when unemployed and *extremely* bored, a friend of mine and myself once stuck a profile up on an internet dating site of a fictional bi-curious girl called Amanda, we didn't do anything too entrapping, just a standard profile that mentioned that she would be interested in hearing from other women.

We did it in the vague hope of seeing some free boobs. All we got were cocks. Lots and lots of cocks. Karma, I guess. That and the nature of the internet.
( Kroney, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:46, Reply)

Greencloud
That ad would be so much more interesting without the comma between "out" and "animals"....
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:39, Reply)

I once had a brief foray into the realms of internet dating
before I decided that it was better to be single but at least retain some dignity.

I did however have a bit of fun, especially by telling some girl who I wasn't interested in that I worked in a lab which contained the raw ingredients for synthesising GHB, and that I knew how to make it.

Didn't hear from her again.

_{No, I haven't tried making it!}
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:36, Reply)

Who? What? Why?
The furthest I've ventured is to attempt to "read between the lines" of the ads in my local freepaper and imagine what they're really like.

ie;
Bubbly 23y/o kind and honest girl, likes eating out, animals and cinema seeks n/s man 25-30 with OHAC for good times & poss. relationship.

Generally (I imagine) translates to;

Obese, socially incompetent virgin, wears disney pyjamas. Living with overbearing parents. Mcdonalds & Kebab connoseur. Only friend is my dog, who I sneak into the cinema by pretending to be blind. Looking for unrealistic prince-charming type to sweep me away from my parents bed-pans cinderella-style (favourite film) in your tarted up vauxhall corsa to your grotty council flat. I'll let you do outrageous things to me if you don't try to dispose of me hurriedly before your friends start taking the piss.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:36, Reply)

Vipros
I can't help wondering if you've met Legless and upset him.
(patently Was somewhere else on, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:33, Reply)

Unfortunately not me, but a friend......
answered an ad in a contact mag, for a mother and daughter that were up for a thresome.

A time and date were set, and at said time he showed up at their house.

They let him in, and he took a seat on the sofa. Just as he was wondering how things would proceed, the daughter whipped of the mothers jeans, and started giving her head.

My mate was somewhat shocked and surprised to say the least, but rude not to, so he got his cock out, hada bit of a wank, then gave them both a good seing to.

The funny bit is, as he was leaving, he gave them a stern look, and uttered the immortal line " You two disgust me", before running of into the night.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:27, Reply)

Personal Services
.
I'm not normally the vindictive type but sometimes the "Bad Legless" takes over - mainly when I've been well and truly shafted and violence just isn't an option.

In those circumstances then I just have to get creative and this is something I did once to incredible effect.

Basically, if you want to get your own back and be completely anonymous then try this.

Every note you have in your wallet, pocket or purse, take out and start to write out the phone number (mobile, business or home) of your victim and get perverted on it. Make up ads like:

"Mandy - 007867 222333 - cheap blowjobs"

"Jim - free - takes it up the arse - 007867 222333"

"Becky - 007867 222333 - shags anything for a tenner"

You get the idea. The names you use don't have to be your victim's name or even the same sex. In fact, it's better to vary the sex and the perversions on offer - the better to shock your mark.

Then just spend your cash and repeat with every new note that comes into your hands until bored.

I'm just a bad person to cross.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:26, Reply)

Chthonic's somewhat shocked friend writes
I am a slightly overweight, happily married male in his early forties.

However, I have - in the name of research and the prosect of getting a cheap laugh - put contact ads on various dating websites pretending to be a woman of varying degrees of morality, mankiness, desperation and number of limbs to find out what level mankind will stoop to get a shag.

Result: very, very low.

I also did not realise it is considered de rigueur to send a cock shot with the first email.

They are, I find, not even put off by raging sarcasm. My most popular fake advert read simply:

Wanted: Man, o.n.o.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:24, Reply)

my friend sam
and i were once drunk and reading the newspapers that had been wrapped around our kebabs.

one page was the personals.

"oh look," sam chortled, spraying me with bits of masticated cucumber and garlic sauce. "some poor twat's trying to sell their colour tv and the dicks have put it in the wrong column."

i explained very gently that it was a black tranny as televisions don't generally suck cock...... then less gently that she was the twat and indeed the dick....

speaking of which, my dad insists on calling motorway service stations "trannys". why? in the name of god, why?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:16, Reply)

GET RICH QUICK
Simply set up a premium rate phoneline. Find out how on 0900 489 4523
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:13, Reply)

Not mine
Not mine, and written in jest, but still by far the best I've ever seen was:

"They call me Naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill beardy physicist (M, 46)."
(chase, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:12, Reply)

Gumtree
this site has some sick individuals on there! there was an advert with one man offering to suck cocks for free. the disgusting bit? "the cheesier the better, the stinkier the better"

sick!
(boosh, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:11, Reply)

Small minority required
to ruin it for everyone else.

Is it you? Call now.
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:09, Reply)

Personal Ads
How much is is to write a notification?
a pound a word? OK Doris is dead. Is there anything else. No I only have three pounds. I can have three more words for free? Oh that's very kind of you - OK Doris is dead, Metro for Sale.
(monkeyseemonkeydo, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:07, Reply)

I NEED THE FRONT PAGE
Hi Elaine & Richard, as you will now now be aware TAZ220 is back on the market with an ad that goes something like this....

I have a large meatspin, come to my lemonparty, I dont care if you are a tubgirl.

Regards,

TAZ220.
(TAZ220 Not giving a toss since, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:07, Reply)

Baldy sex
I once was sniffing around craigslist / gumtree.

I stumbled across an ad from a woman offering sex for money. Ok, prostitution, it's not exactly news.

But the bit that made me go gosh-I-must-newsletter-this, was the mention she was balding and selling her body to pay for a wig.

I then lost the page, couldn't find it again, and wasn't able to send it to 10,000s of people with some mean comment suggesting the poster was Gail Porter.
( rob, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:05, Reply)

first?
someone once put my details into a newspaper in Bournemouth offering massage services...

I received a large number of calls relating to this.

It took me a long time to figure out what had happened.

I was not amused.

why is it so hard to think of an interesting and amusing story when trying to fill in the victorious first post?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 15:05, Reply)