:(
I've never done this myself, but I have had it done to me. It began with my first ever boyfriend giving me the silent treatment. When I asked him what was wrong, he muttered something about "feeling under pressure".

A day or two later we went on a night out with his friends. I didn't get in the club as I was a few weeks shy of 18, to which his response was "Oh, jolly bad luck, oh well, see you tomorrow." At the time it all seemed perfectly reasonable, but now, I, personally, would be a bit worried about a painfully naive teenage girl, making her own way home, in a strange city on a Friday night. I was shortly joined in the mile long taxi queue by Bawsack himself, who had been accused of trying to help an underager (me) into the club. He bitched and moaned all the way back to his.

In the morning, I touched on his point about being under pressure, and somehow ended up gently asking if he wanted to "finish it". He responded by breaking eye contact. We murmured some platitudes, I got dressed, kissed him on the cheek and left. So, things ended ostensibly on good terms. When I got back home however, I burst into tears as I suddenly realised that I had been used and had made a fool of myself.

It's been about four years since that happened, and I still wish that he'd had the balls to be honest with me from the start. Seeing that it was my first relationship (I had had NO interaction with the opposite sex before leaving home and only a couple of random snogs before him) the whole experience left me pretty fucked up for some time. I don't know what your situation is like, but I've found that honesty is pretty much always the best policy in relationships. If you tell a lie in order to spare someone's feelings, be prepared for them to find out or realise the truth, and be hurt ten times more than they would have been in the first place.
(w0rmwood pearl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 21:49, 2 replies)

2nd class reptiles
As many of you by now are aware Mrs Spimf and I have a long standing but 'lively' relationship.

Previous posts also mention some herpetological interests see 'Non existent snake attack'

So there we are having a right old ding-dong - Mrs Spimf STORMS OUT leaving me apparently for EVAH!

Not one to fail to have the last frothing bellow at my beloved I followed her grabbing the first thing I could find (a bag of white rats purchased that day to feed the snakes)

"yeAH!!! And fuck you too, and fuck off! etc, etc"

I meant it, this time that was it we were over. Full bastard stop!

I slammed the flimsy polly bag of now fully defrosted rodents on the windscreen of Mrs Spimf's car - she responded by running over my foot.

So I limped back indoors. Amazingly, I was essentially uninjured. I locked the door - she had no keys. As I sat fuming but also instantly pining the loss of "the miserable fucking bitch" I heard a noise at the front door...

phhht! She’s realised the error of her ways - the harridan and is back to grovel. HA!

The sound of half a dozen newly flaccid rats being posted one by one through the letterbox and thudding on to the doormat is a true indication that women truly have the last word.

This year is our 20th together
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 21:18, 7 replies)

the shame...
Reading all these answers has made me realise that the ex I dumped a couple of weeks ago was trying his hardest to make me dump him for a good couple of weeks before he managed to tip me over the edge.

The cunning git.

I miss him...*sigh*
(Mary Mandolin still had it on, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 20:58, Reply)

'Ere luv
You're gonna need this.

( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 20:46, 3 replies)

Try?
Try?

Dammit, I just turn up!
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 20:06, Reply)

This is a hard question to answer..
..Because Im so terrible at getting someone to dump me. I just can't act like an asshole to save my life. But sadly I have realised that the girl that I am with isnt the right girl for me. Infact I'm still living with such girl!

You see it all started after the split with my ex. Some may remember the story on previous QOTWs with my ex Kelly who had a baby and I pretty much became "dad". For her then to start cheating on me messing about on MSN. Leading me to moving to Spain.

So here I am in Spain, on a serious rebound trip. When I met a new girl. Ashley for thats her name. A lovely South African girl. She was different, because I had never met any South Africans before and as a result she was really interesting.

So I went on a serious drive to win her over. Which I did eventually after much effort on my half. And there we were, all loved up again. The girl of my dreams. She was amazing.

Her brother went back home to South Africa and her mum moved in with her boyfriend leading her to need a place for herself... Well why not come live with me!? Of course. Yeah.

Sadly it was all too soon. 3 months into a relationship and the fun and spark of a new love suddenly died down and we were like an old couple. And that was it, it was almost overnight. Suddenly I didnt want to be with her anymore in that way. I realised she wasnt the girl for me. We barely had anything in common and many evenings spent us both tapping away on our laptops not talking to each other.

So came the heartbreaking breakup. Heartbreaking for me because the poor lass hadnt really done anything wrong. She wasnt posessive, she made an effort with all my friends and people generally liked her. But for some reason it just didnt feel right anymore. This isnt the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. There was just that connection missing. I realised I really didnt love her in the way that I should love a girl.

I hated having to tell her that it wasnt working out. She was rather distraught. But then came the hardest part.

Because her mum was gone and her brother had gone. She really had no where to go. And she wasnt bringing in enough money herself to get her own place. Infact as she works for herself, some weeks she has no money other weeks she does. Theres a load of complications surrounding that which I wont go into here. But basically she can't just go out there and find a job like everyone else.

So, I just didnt have the heart to kick her out. Instead she moved into the spare room and became my flat mate.

And 9 months later she is still here. I love her company still, its nice not coming home to an empty house and she does all the housework and stuff.. But shes still here. A big chat with my best mate does kinda make you reailse. What the hell is going on here?

And before anyone thinks, shes not a fuck buddy. We dont have any intimate moments. Bar the odd cuddle up on the sofa infront of the TV which is nice. But we're just friends. She does respect the place. Shes not after another guy and she hasnt brought anyone else back here.

There hasnt exactly been a line a girls or me, so bringing new girls back hasnt been an issue yet.

But its just awful having to be a bastard to someone who hasnt done anything wrong themselves. Part of me does want. to move on with life. I have been single for 9 months, but with nothing on the horizon there hasnt been any motivation to make Ashley move on. So I guess our arrangement has ended up just becoming a habit.


And do you know the worse bit about all this? This isnt the first time i've done this either. My first girlfriend.. umm what shall I call her on here? err. Julia. The story about her is far more unreal. Because she did bring new partners back, who stayed for months at a time. And lets just say these new partners wern't even guys. But thats another story for another QOTW.

I wanna see Ashley all settled and sorted out. But as my friend pointed out, she has been living here for nearly a year and its time she was sorted. And just so you know. There are a number of other complications surrounding Ashley which arent her fault which has seriously inhibited her in getting sorted out. Otherwise im sure she would have been by now.

Im too soft. I dont like being horrible to people who I care about.
(Miggyman, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 20:02, 6 replies)

I Fucked Her Sister.
Didn't take that too well.

Shirley Bindun?
Well, she has now.
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 19:34, 6 replies)

Not off to the best start..
First date tonight, and I haven't even shaved my minge.

I don't have high hopes.
(reducedfatLOLcat, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 18:46, 7 replies)

THE COWARD'S WAY OUT. I THINK.
A trans-national affair had stopped then (unwisely) restarted; I liked her but her weight had really got to me. Putting my arm around her one morning in bed my hand couldn't reach the other side of the mattress. it was time to end it but having done it once I was far from happy going through all usual "why" "why" "why" never-ending chat for a second time. Much better to get dumped I thought.
The solution - to pretend to get the day of her birthday wrong and not get on an airplane to visit.
The response and revenge - a phone call from her guilt tripping me, pointing out that she was under a lot of stress as her new business venture was not going well and that I was not helping.
Just as she got to her final words my mobile phone went off with an incoming text - now as background it is necessary to know that her new venture was quite an important and newsworthy event in her country and it was the subject of a on-going reality tv programme.
So as she said to me on the phone - "I don't think this is working, we should end it" my simultaneous mobile text message from her said: "By the way, they are filming this for the documentary."
RESULT - err, I think?

PS I have always imagined the programme that went out (I've never seen it)- the footage of the woman on the telephone with a soft voice over by some sympathetic narrator: "X is finding things stressful following the launch and it is not be helped by her boyfriend forgetting her birthday. She calls him...." Cut to a close up of her telling me off and dumping me. Good for her - made me like her even more; now if only she hadn't been so fat!
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 18:43, 1 reply)

isn't
ronaldo trying to dump man utd right now? they don't seem to be taking it too well...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:44, 3 replies)

Ooh! Ooh! I thought of one!
Sort of....

When I was around 13 the then boyfriend dumped me by singing the lyrics to a Cure song.....one that ends in "I wish you were dead".

I still dated him off and on for another 7 years. He was a bit of a nutter, but apparently I wasn't much better if I kept agreeing to try again.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:34, 1 reply)

You win nothing but your BFH
Just remembered this one, an old friend of mine had been in a bit of a crappy relationship that had seen his current beau alienate half of his mates (myself included as I was allegedly a bad influence).

Naturally, he had the rose tinted glasses of lurrve on so he didn't realise that she was a proper nutjob until it was too late.

The day those rose tinted glasses did finally fall off were during a trip to the Trafford centre.

Allegedly she threw a mad hissy fit at him in the middle of New Look as he made a comment about a coat she had tried on, he just calmly handed her the shopping bags with her shopping in, said "this isn't going to work, bye" and left her there.

Did I mention that they live in a village outside of Barnsley? and this was late afternoon, so she had to make her own way home on two trains and a bus because noone really liked her and she never learned to drive as she had the ability to use my mate as a taxi service(no matter what the hour).

Couldn't have happened to a more deserving person really.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:30, Reply)

In the last few months of a relationship....
...the sparkle had died. She wouldn't take the hint, despite the fact i had practically moved out. So I did the only thing I could think of. Shagged her doggy style, and mid coitus reached under the bed and opened a porn mag which I then gently laid over her back and calmly flicked through while making half arsed love.

This was not appreciated.

The resulting testicular bruising took about three days to diminish. But at last I was single.
( bennyhillslovechild, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:29, 5 replies)

Truck
In hindsight this was very childish. I drew a picture of a dumper truck with a speech bubble saying "dumper dumper dumper" and put it in her bag. She didn't get the message and came to see me the next day at home which led me to have to break the news the conventional way.
(Lex scripta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:16, 3 replies)

Kind of on point.....a test scenario that may prove handy in the future.
I staggered in last weekend at around 3am having spent the previous 12 hours drinking with half a dozen good friends of mine.

I crawled up the stairs to bed and in the process managed to wake the current missus from her slumber. Once I'd freed myself from the restraints of clothing I decided I was hungry and announced that I was going down stairs to make some cheese on toast. A couple of minutes of bumbling around the fridge and I was joined by 'her indoors'.

She had decided that it would be better to cook for me (as my free swinging genitals are a fire risk apparently). I decided that as her reward I'd recreate the scene from Silence of the Lambs where Buffalo Bill tucks his flaccid dong between his legs and prances to add effect I started singing a very bad rendition of "Goodbye Horses" by Q Lazzarus.

Imagine my horror when she just stared in disbelief and asked what was wrong with me and if I was sure I'm happy with her. I laughed like a Hyena and wolfed down the late night snack before staggering off to bed.

It hasn't been mentioned since......
(Avalanche - Purveyor of sexual deviancy since 1976, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:08, 3 replies)

Well.
Make a pass at her sister.


Followed by a pass at her mum.


You're either single or end up in the weirdest of 3-ways.

I ended up single and alone in the middle of Cheltenham, an area I do not know.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:07, 2 replies)

Not my finest hour
Two years later (I know, a bit pathetic really) I finally found the confidence to “get back on the market” and wound up with someone 7 years my senior, the sex was amazing and we were at it like rutting rhinos for 3 solid months. Now the nicest thing you could say about the “relationship” was it was a lot of shagging with a fringe of conversation.

We had bugger all in common and outside the bedroom (I don’t mean to be nasty)she was one of the most tedious people I’d ever met. To make matters worse I had been told by a mutual friend that she thought she was falling in love with me, the feelings were not mutual. I therefore decided I had to do the honourable thing and end things before she got really hurt; however I’d never had to dump anyone before and didn’t know where to start. After some initial weeks of dithering on my part, I found myself on the receiving end of some threatening behavior from her ex.

I’m not proud of what I did, but with an “easy” way out in front of me I took it. She phoned me to apologise again and I told her I didn’t think I could cope with constant threats from her ex and thought we should end things. To be fair after a little pleading she seemed to finally accept it, wished me well and rang off.

Stupidly, I then decided to text my drinking partner (who had been in the loop) to tell him what had happened. Unfortunately, as I had been in the habit of texting one particular person for three months, I sent said message on ‘autopilot’. You can probably imagine her response to something along the lines of:
“THANK GOD FOR THAT, I’VE FINALLY DONE IT, FANCY A BEER?”

Now I guess I could have not answered her call and I probably didn’t need to go to her flat to explain myself; In retrospect I probably should’ve ignored the call and gone to the pub like I’d planned. I definitely shouldn’t have spent two and a half hours of my life dumping her all over again, this time explaining it was “me not her” and using every other tired cliché you can think of before she would accept an alternative explanation to the issue of her ex.

She still vainly tried to contact me for a while after, phone calls, turning up where I was, etc. but strangely I found ignoring her got far better results…
(redrewmac *Insert witty comment here*, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:55, Reply)

Not proud but I once told a girlfriend that she was frigid and I was fucking someone else
both facts were true but she kept calling/showing-up, eventually she did see sense and let me take her vaginity, then she stopped calling etc. Odd girl.
(Chopper3, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:49, 4 replies)

Cling-ons and winnits
I have had more cling-on girlfriends than a filthy sheep’s nipsy has clagnuts* so here are some of the lengths I have had go to with different girls.

- Moved to Hong Kong. This involved me taking a job secretly and telling everyone but her. She dragged me shopping days before I went and wondered why I bought a book on learning Cantonese in Foyles. “It’s so I can get a discount in my local Chinese.” Even when I went she still didn’t quite get it and kept on emailing me saying she was coming to visit. In the end I had to invent SARS to prevent her from coming.**

- Pretending to worship the devil. I was with this Canadian chick and after a few months she came clean that she was a member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. She started to really freak me out by sending me ‘anonymous’ texts from Jesus saying he was watching me from Salt Lake City when I was out with my friend. I got a henna tattoo of an upside down cross on my neck and wore red contacts to drive her away. This was only partially successful as she started to get turned on by the perverseness of it so I moved apartment.

- Acting gay. With one girl in university who clung on so strong that I had to use a claw hammer in the mornings (to remove her sticky paws, not that!). I started going to gay clubs when she was with me and make suggestive comments about boys. She actually ended up in a long term relationship with another woman so that made me feel good.

- Faking herpes. Speaks for itself really.

- Dying my hair ginger. Again, self explanatory.

- Started smoking. She really hated smoking and I wouldn’t stop and even smoked in bed coughing like a tickled tramp.

There are more but I will post later.

*may additionally include winnits.
**may or may not be true.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:49, Reply)

Politics, always a goodie
I went out with a trendy tree-hugging liberal once, and when I'd had enough I hit on the cunning plan of explaining at length why George W. Bush was a visionary leader and a latter day Socrates, and then following with a brief verbal dissertation on Ayn Rand.

Did the trick nicely.

EDIT: To clarify, nothing wrong with trendy tree-hugging liberals - in fact they tend to be my type, as I hope some of their general caring niceness might rub off on me, but so far it hasn't and I remain apathetic...
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:46, 1 reply)

Straight after sex....
..I called a taxi for her right in front of her instead of small-talk. I guess she took the hint.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:45, 3 replies)

oh
i once had a stalker?

no joke, she stood outside my house and threw things at my window until i told her to leave me alone.

and then she'd ring the doorbell until i let her in.

and then she wouldnt leave unless i shagged her silly.

it really wasn't as fun as it sounds :(

apologies for length and wankyness of story
(scarydylan has lost his scare :(, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:41, 3 replies)

oh dear
let's see, i once totally ignored a girl for 3 weeks to end it so that i could get back with my equally psychotic ex.

i thought it worked as well but she later slapped me for not telling her i was "cheating on her" but she forgave me.

me then telling her that it was over didn't work. she thought i meant i had dumped ex who i had got back with.

it all ended very confusingly with those two having a fight.

but girls fighting over me is still the most fun thing i have EVER had happen :)

apologies for length, but click "i like this2 and i might buy you an ice cream
(scarydylan has lost his scare :(, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:38, Reply)

hmm fairly OT but...
This is a case of a good friend of mine, who didn't particularly try hard to get dumped but rather had a really hard time getting dumped.

Said friend was in the far east doing a bit of travelling and all that business, teaching in thailand for the most part.

He finds a nice local lady and proceeds to have his wicked way with her, fuelled by thai whiskey and not really concerning himself about the fact he was most definetely not looking for anything serious...

Thinking very little about his casual liasons with this bird at first, all was hunkydorey until he got to know her a little bit better and realised his cunning plan to crush her fragile lady-emotions and run off into the sunset full of bravado may have been ill thought out.

Firstly, he discovers this bird is a bit of a master at martial arts and was some sort of thai kickboxing champion, "fucksocks. Thought he, oh well...martial artists are notoriously well disciplined and wouldn't use their skills unless their life was threatened."

Until he discovers factoid number 2, that his ladyfriend was only recently released from an institution she was detained at for some time due to an incident involving some scary shit and a dead man.

Now absolutely shitting it, he decides to just get it over and done with, the result of which was a fairly severe beating and being dragged half a mile off the back of her motorbike.

He is scared of the far east now.
(McCrack, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:34, 1 reply)

Saying no
My sister had been dating a bus driver on and off for quite some time. The guy was a complete waste of space; lazy, smelly, hairy, chronic stoner and, to top it all off, thicker than two short planks with Jade Goody's face engraved on them.

I hadn't seen her for a while so, when we met up at a pub so that she could watch the football and I could sit patiently and wait for the football to finish so that I could leave, I enquired as to whether she was still seeing him.

'Yeah,' she replied. 'I keep trying to dump him, but he always says no.'

Now, I may have missed something, but when did it become OK to, upon being dumped, simply refuse?

Has this ever happened to anyone else? And, if so, what did you do?
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:34, 4 replies)

College (again, sorry)
I was a cadet at a Southern Military College. My girlfriend from high school had decided (after being URGED by her Mother to do so) to go to college about 7 miles from my school. Great thinks I!

NOT.

She was very pretty. Italian by birth, olive skin, great brown eyes, and she had actually done some local modeling. And she was quiet. Not that I prefer my women to be quiet, but ultimately, she was, it's an important characteristic though. Very demure girl. PERFECT for a military school cadet, no?

NO.

Freshman year in a military college is like going through basic training for an ENTIRE year...and for those of you that have served: Basic Training on Steroids. Absurdly, Grossly and Insanely over-militaristic. (later, at OCS I was AMAZED at how easy it was and how nice everyone was!)

So you rarely get away from campus. Gina I shall call her (for that was the monicker her parents had saddled her with) was, apparently, a person who hated to be alone. So she ended up messing about with one of the upperclassmen at my school!

That place was like a quilting bee (gossip, gossip and more gossip) and eventually word got to yours truly. So I broke up with her. And she came back about 2 months later.

This was a theme that was repeated over and over again. Literally, I took her back 6 different times. And STILL she wandered.

So, it's now Junior year, I've got nice shiney gold rank on my uniform and I bump into her at some restaraunt. She looks good. So I end up getting back with her for the 7th time (dont worry, the breakup is coming, promise) and after a year, she does it again. This time at home.

I am done. Through. Kaput! But I want revenge. So, like a good sniper, I wait...bide my time...and sure enough: we get back to our respective schools and: she comes back! Telling me what a great guy I am, how I represent what is good about people, honor, duty, blah blah blah.

I meet her at hers and I shag her rotten. And as I am kissing her goodbye at the front door of her apartment, I reach into my uniform jacket and extract a letter I had written the day before and hand it over. Complete with a wax seal on the back.

All the hurt I felt each time she screwed around drained from my body as I stood there, saw that expectant look in her eyes as she tore open the letter...anticipating my using words like 'love' and 'forever' and 'marriage' only to be deflated by:

Dear Gina.
I am tired of all the crap you have put me through these past few years, I think you are a whore and a waste of my valuable time. Henceforth, should you desire to contact me, I would request you write a letter and stick it right up your ass because I shall not waste another moment of my life even THINKING about you!

Yours, Most Sincerely,

Citadel

She dumped me right then and there. Joy!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:31, 5 replies)

Mate of mine started dating a Russian girl
Her second language was English, but she spoke it perfectly.

He didn't want to go out with her anymore, so started making up English words, and then getting annoyed that his girlfriend didn't understand them.

"Darling, do you lancely going up to somechuck and throwing some lopberries around?"
".. What?"
"I said if you wanted to go to the pub"

After a week of that, she dumped him.
(__, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:22, 1 reply)

Ooh, something I can relate to, finally.
Now, I don't know how many of you have had online 'relationships' (read: clingy faux-sexual pseudo-friendships), but if you have, you may know the situation.

You might meet in a chatroom, or a forum, or even via a friend of a friend on MSN. They'll be lovely at first, because you don't have many people to talk to and they seem funny and into the same kinks. You might talk for weeks, months, or in my case, years. You might even strike up a roleplay relationship, and do your main discussions out of character while your alter ego is in the middle of some great fight or stunning 'orgasm'.

You might even let them talk to you out of character. Fine. They might get a little obsessive. Not so fine. They might insist you be online as much as they are, and fake depression or worse to illicit your sympathy. You might even play along in the hopes they'll get bored and go away.

What do you do when they don't disappear after three weeks of you not being online and being 'invisible'? And when you don't want to block them, as they have so few friends but can't stand another 'Pity me!' whinge?

Help me, guys. This guy won't leave me alone and I'm too nice to tell him to fuck off after five years of contact :(

/Apologies for lack of proper story. May be edited later.
( Bats, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:17, 9 replies)

Off the point but when I was a kid
I once asked a girl out, using only lyrics from Rammstein Songs.
( WormuIus, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:13, 6 replies)