My Police Story
The only time I've ever been involved with the police was for riding my bike without lights round Oxford, as you do. An attractive Police Lady stopped me, asking "Where are your lights", as she said this abotu 5 of my mates rode past all without lights.
Feeling a little annoyed I resorted (perhaps a little unnecessarily)to sarcasm telling her that "somebody stole them".
She thought it was funny and let me go.

Sorry for the poor quality of my story - If it had been about the fire brigade...

oh and elbazo, next time you invent a story look it up first
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodgem_cars

fool.
( WormuIus, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 21:48, Reply)

Coppers
My brother and his girlfriend were driving with a friend in an XR3i, back in the days when this was both big and clever. He (just) ran a red light and a lying-in-wait police car, an unmarked carlton Cosworth, took after him.
Obviously he did the sensible thing... and put his foot down, where upon the Police car, now with all lights flashing, tore past him and forced him over.
The strangely happy looking policeman knocked on his window; we're talking throw the book, rip up license, hung drawn and quartered... here's what was exchanged:
"Good evening sir... what make of car do you drive?"
"err.... an XR3i sir...."
"And ...what make of car do I drive sir?"
"Err... a carlton cosworth....."
"So sir.... you thought you could outrace a carlton cosworth with your XR3i.....?"
"errr........"
"Well... you can't!"
Whereupon the police man, laughing like a loon, got in his car and drove away.
OK so it helped the guy was stone sober at 1am but still..
(DustyD, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 21:41, Reply)

elbazo...
...how the fuck did you drive a bumper car with no power running to it? Got a nice long extension lead have we?
( Spaniels Ears, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 21:38, Reply)

Inspired by a sticker given away by loaded magazine....
...I manufactured an a4 sign for the back of an unloved workmates car saying "I'm pissed and I've got a gun". I was an apprentice at the time, and it was my boss who pulled me aside the next day to tell me that the gentleman in question had been pulled over by armed police on the motorway on his way home. I still don't understand the mentality of the person who rang that one in.... "....not only is he drunk but he is armed, it must be true, its written on his bumper....". My boss sniggered like a schoolgirl as he gave me the bollocking the police and the idiots mum had insisted I recieve.
( Spaniels Ears, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 21:34, Reply)

I was walking home from the local nightclub
as you do, at 2 o'clock in the morning down the middle of a dual carridge way when A rosser pulled over and asked me what the fuck i was doing. I had already walked five mile so I wanted do the last two on me todd, but he didn't think that was a great idea so into the car i gets. He asked my name and I said, David, Norry. Speld November Oscar Romeo Romeo Yankee. Suprised at my use of the phonetic alphabet he asked me if I had been done by the police before.

"Nope, I just like watching the bill"

"The bill is nothing like the real police force mate"

"Yeah, you're right. There's more poofs and phychos in the real police force"

He didn't find it funny.
( nnnndave, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 21:28, Reply)

Oh, one more...
I used to live on a rather large and rather rough council estate in a certain steel-making city oop north (the estate used to be known as "Joyrider's Silverstone" by the residents) - so rough, that the average burglary rate on the estate was 10 A DAY. On the event of publishing these stats, the police chief said that "measures were being put in place" to deal with the problem.

The year after that? 15 burglaries a day. Buggers still upped the council tax, too.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 21:18, Reply)

Garda
Sadly not my story, but a friend...

Driving along to the airport just outside Dublin, 60 limit, blue lights come on behind him:

Policeman (you'll have to imagine the accent): Could you tell me what speed you were doing sonny?

Rich: Err, about 60?

Policeman: Just checking. Drive safely now.

Made me laugh anyway.

Oh, and getting stopped on the M6. I know it wasn't going to go my way when the WPC's opening line was "it took us ages to catch up with you".
(Bids How much is that window in the doggy?, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 21:18, Reply)

I love the Met.
No really, I actually do love them. They have helped me out of a few sticky situations when the patients have decided that attacking someone in green is a good idea. It never is. They always end up in a world of pain.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 22 Sep 2005, 21:15, Reply)

My little (step) brother...
...wants to join the "feds" when he grows up. Now, I don't know if this is right, but I understand it's very difficult to do so if you've got family with 'previous'. Well...

His grandad did more porridge than Quaker Oats (domestic abuse, drunk and disorderly, etc), one uncle is a convicted armed robber, another is a kiddie fiddler (and is not allowed within two miles of the city limits), his brother (not me, another one) was done for vandalism (shopped by his own ma) and his cousin has a drug conviction. There's only me, his dad and his ma in the close family who don't have a record.

With him only being little, I don't want to kill his dreams, so hopefully he'll change his mind and think about being a fireman or a bus driver, or something...




Oh, and I used to work behind the bar in a police social club, and I can tell you now - they're all complete cunts. I once caught an off-duty pig about to drive his family home after seeing him neck 10 pints. Most of the high-ranking officers are bent (in the black-market sense) and back room of the bar I work in is full of porn tapes, seized during pirating busts, for sale over the bar. Cunts.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 21:13, Reply)

My friend's dad, an officer in Fort Worth, Texas,
abuses his power in an entertaining and mostly harmless way. He once arrested his girlfriend and threw her in jail as part of an elaborate scheme to propose to her(she punched him before saying yes).

So anyhow, I was with said friend one day when she checked the voicemail on her phone. Her dad had left a message, as follows:
"Hey, you'll NEVER guess who I just arrested! (giggles, etc for about 5 seconds) A MIDGET! (bursts out laughing) He's so tiny! And he's MEXICAN! Oh my god, I wish I could take a picture! (yelling in background) He's obviously high or something and he keeps cursing at me in spanish..oh god I love it. So anyway, I'll call you later, love you, bye!"

And apparently he wouldn't stop talking about it for days.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 20:52, Reply)

Lost in translation
Going back a fair few years now, I popped round to a friend's house for a brew and a biscuit one afternoon to find him stricken with worry. Apparently he'd just got off the phone to a policeman - "PC" something or other, who'd asked to speak to his girlfriend. She was at work at the time, so they said they'd call back, but refused to tell him what they were calling about.

Now friend's girlfriend was a nice German lass, but I'm not entirely sure all was above-board in terms of immigration status... Or is that not a worry if you're from the EU? Maybe it was then, I dunno... Anyway, she certainly didn't have a UK driving license, and I'm not sure she was insured to drive his car.

Friend was a little paranoid at the best of times, thanks to years of admirable substance abuse, and was beside himself with angst - picturing his missus being clapped in irons, imprisoned or deported (or both). I tried to reassure him - surely if she was in trouble they'd call round rather than phone, but there was no getting through to him, and I awkwardly finished my biscuit and left him to wallow in a pool of paranoia.

Bumped into him a week later and he was happy as Larry - it hadn't been the police at all, it was "PC Pro" magazine, calling to tell his missus that she'd won a mouse mat in a competition...
(baz, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 20:39, Reply)

Police photos
stevierar - I've managed to get a photo with a copper as well. I was out in, er, (*checks photo*) Sheffield. Unfortunately, since I was truly arse-holed, as was everyone else, I've no idea what happened to result in said photo. I didn't get nicked, so it can't have been too bad. I hope.
http://photos.garysmith.org.uk/p1789022.html
However, slightly different - recently at a certain University, there was a protest against the top-up fees. Now, to give a bit of background, there is a "road" through the University campus which has barriers on it. To get through the barriers, you need to be a member of staff and have a University provided swipe card. All good stuff. So the students blocked these entrances to make their point. The police were duly called. And then the fun began. They tried to make arrests for blocking a public highway. Unfortunately for the police, the students had already thought this one out. It can't be a public highway because it's got a barrier over it, which is operated by a private individual or non-public organisation. So therefore it's private property. If it *is* a public road, then the University is breaking the law as well, so they should also be prosecuted.
Back to the drawing board
So then they try going for public order offences. Again, no dice, since they're not actually doing any harm. Just, well, standing there. In the end they tried to physically move people. Meanwhile, I managed to get these: http://photos.garysmith.org.uk/c124177.html
( shadyron, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 20:25, Reply)

to protect and serve
A few years ago, due to an ex-gf just causing trouble, I had a load of hassle from a bunch of kids on the next estate. The abuse was OK (rather funny sometimes)but when I was coming home from work to grafitti, bins emptied over garden, shed burnt down, windows smashed etc., I decided enough was enough and reported it to the local plod shop.
Their response?
"The next time we have a car in the area, we'll ask them to keep their eyes open"!
Slept easier in my bed after that,I can tell you.
Twunts.
(sandman0733, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 20:21, Reply)

Traffic cone
A recent minor run-in with the law: I was walking (well, staggering would be more accurate) home with some mates after a fairly decent sesh, and we passed some roadworks. My mates did the only sensible thing, which was to take the biggest sort of traffic cone and put it on my head. Actually, it was big enough that it covered my shoulders too, and I couldn't see were I was going, but staggered on regardless.

A minute or two later, I hear my mates calling "watch out! it's the police! it's the police!" For some reason I decided the best course of action would be to cast off the cone, and run for it. Except that the police were in a car, and I'm not exactly the fastest runner. So after a couple of hundred yards, I'm puffed out, and just collapse on the pavement.

One of the policemen gets out of the car, and says: "Did you really think we were going to arrest you for having a traffic cone on your head?"
(P-Nuts, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 20:20, Reply)

Gay police horse
darkmavis86, the gay horse incident was in Oxford last term, and was reported in various places, but the most complete account is in this
student rag article.
(P-Nuts, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 20:12, Reply)

Elbazo, there are no dodgems on the end of the pier,
if there were - you'd have to JUMP them over the exit thing at the end! And even if you meant the ones on the Pier-Approach; surely they don't run without the electricity-stick-hicky touching the electricity-grid-hicky? XD The gardens are UPHILL anyway damnit!

We once had the police called on us for playing with one of those (LIGHT UP!! THIS WAY!! MIDDLE OF ISLAND!!) traffic-bollards. The council said we'd uprooted it and were breaking it, we said we found it in a bush and we just playing (we were 18/19; but still). We however, had photographic PROOF on the back of a digital camera. So they went to leave, only I was cheekyenough to ask for a photo. So there you go. I was taking the picture sadly, but I have another one somewhere with ME in it! :O
( stevierar, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 19:57, Reply)

In a hurry, apparently
Was walking down a main road in Swansea one afternoon, and as me n a friend were getting close to the shops, we heard some cars screeching behind us. A Volvo with two middle-aged normal peeps were being tail-gated by some thug in a red Sierra, right upto the bumper. As the Volvo passed the shops, the Sierra decided to overtake the Volvo; except he used the shop parking spaces to do it, and not the road. This freaked out the woman who was driving the Vovlo, and the Sierra pulled back onto the road clipping the front of her car, before they both stopped.

Me and me mate both legged it down to the shops, not to help, but rather just to be fecking nosey.

So the woman gets out of her Volvo, a bit shaken up. Her husband is still sitting in the car, seemingly a bit bemused as well. The Sierra driver gets out, all 6 foot 4 of him, complete fecking ASBO, and marches upto the woman.
"Look luv, I'm in a hurry, we'll sort this out again." With that, he turns around and goes to march off.
"Excuse me, but before you go anywhere, I need your insurance details please" she asks calmly.
"I just said once" he booms, "I'm in a fecking hurry."
"Well I need those details sorry. You've damaged my car."
With this, he walks towards her and leans over her. In a threatening voice, he says;
"What are you going to do if I don't?"
She didn't even flinch. She instead calmly nodded to her husband in the car, who was getting out, and said "I'm going to do nothing son, but my husband who'se a Police Officer is going to throw you to the dogs." We look over, and the husband produces his badge while smiling very broadly.

I've never seen a 6 foot 4 guy drop his mouth open so quickly; I was laughing all the way to the AIDS clinic :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 19:53, Reply)

Could've been worse
Years ago, before they were made Class A, a bunch of mates including me, some cousins and my brother used to order in a good few trips and dole them out amongst the assembled. It became tradition at about 1am to troop over to the town's main park to play football tag in the park's ornamental gardens - cracking good fun, but that's not the police story...

...the story is the journey home after one of these forays in the park. My brother, one of his mates named Ste and myself took a different route to the rest. A police car approached, slowed and stopped while we were ambling along a fast-asleep 'burb street at something like 5am. My brother and his mate both had criminal records and outstanding warrants at the time, so giving thier real names wasn't an option. So ensued a quick muttered exchange of aliases while these coppers sat there for a moment probably saying 'Look at the fucking state of these three'.

They got out and looked us up and down, three scallyish looking lads with pupils in eclipse and sweat still sticking the clothes to our bodies after spending the last 3+ hours alternately chasing and fleeing one another whilst laughing like maniacs. Questions ensued, and whilst myself and my brother were cool as cucumbers despite appearances, Ste was a mess - biting his lower lip so much it disappeared inside his mouth, hurriedly and repeatedly running both hands through his hair, even fucking up his alias. And as for how his eyes looked - oh dear :)

My brother and I briefly exchanged bemused 'WTF' glances and turned to see the coppers doing exactly the same. They actually looked sorry for him. Finally, one of them asked us how far we were from home - we weren't far and said so. Turning to leave he said 'I suggest you go there - quick'. 'No fear, mate' my brother replied, audibly relived as Ste had in some fucked-up way gotten them both off the hook. We ambled off at a slightly quickened pace while the coppers got back into the car, grinning.

I could tell you about another time playing acid-fuelled football tag in the park where I found Ste crammed into a space half his size in a tall, previously quite well-sculpted bush so he wouldn't end up being 'IT' - I'll never forget the look of glee in his eyes, or the look of 'oh, fuck' when I said 'but what if I end up being IT though?'.

Apologies for the length, and it not being as funny as I thought - fuck it though, I've been sat here for ten minutes typing this so you're 'avin it :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 19:42, Reply)

Errrmmm....oops
Once during a good night out, I met up with this Dental Nurse and we sneaked behind the nightclub where we were drinking, found a quiet spot just off a small quiet lane and started getting it on so to speak. During our drunken shagging, a white torch shines from the middle of the road, much to our surprise. What was funnier was that this torchlight managed to illuminate the entirety of my ass, in all it's lunar glory. Me and the nurse both turn around to see a police car with one of the bobbies leaning out holding aforementioned torch, looking a bit sheepish with what he's discovered.

Somehow, in my drunken haze, I summoned up the courage and came up with the ultimate phrase to deal with this;

"Fuck off is it? We're busy here."

To my immediate surprise the copper turned his torch off, said "Sorry both" and drove off as if nothing happened.

I was laughing too much to finish tbh, wasn't brewers droop at all.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 19:40, Reply)

Glastonbury
Saw someone at Glastonbury trying to sell a load of police in a land rover poppers and mushrooms.

Little things like that amuse me.
( Loz I'm still here., Thu 22 Sep 2005, 19:34, Reply)

Here's one to illustrate what cnuts the Police really are
an ex colleague realised the futility of a job in IT and decided to join the rozzers.

During the first day each new recruit was asked whether they had ever committed a crime. Several mumbled that they'd broken the speed limit, stole something as a kid etc.

One female recruit admitted that she'd told the police that she was driving a car that was snapped by a speed camera, when in fact it was her boyfriend but he'd have gotten enough points on his licence to get a ban.

She was immediately arrested and after confirming the story she was kicked out.

My ex colleague once he was a fully qualified bastard knew that at 5pm when we left work, rather than wait for a 5 minute red traffic light cycle many people would jump the red and filter left onto the main road when there was no traffic coming. Once he was a copper the cnut waited for his ex colleagues to jump the lights and u can guess the rest.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 19:33, Reply)

So old
A friend of mine was picked up by the fuzz.
Although it wasn't as bad as the time she was swung round by the tits.
(abv, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 19:28, Reply)

Goth.
Once apon a time I used to hang around with a large group of classical Goths. Corsetry, black lace and costume jewels abound. Anyway, I was not a Goth (I tried it, and just felt silly)and used to wear normalish clothes.
One day we were in the local Goth pub, having a quiet drink. there was about 50 Goths in there, including Kris, who was "head Goth" (pimp cane, top hat, cloak, long hair, gaggle of fat goth girls hanging off him. You know the drill).

A rather burly 30-40 year old man marches in, tattooed like a 5 year old with a set of biros, with a ancient looking woman - bleach blonde with MASSES of makeup on. Polyfilla job, for sure.

Anyway, he marches right up to Kris and WHAM! Smacks him right in the face. Every Goth in the place gets up as one and pretty much beat seven shades out of him. (I don't know why the guy went for Kris, perhaps he thought all the Goths would cry and write poetry instead of kicking the shit out of him).

Not 10 mins later, the guy is lying on the floor and about 4 police vans pull up, and many many officers in full riot gear storm in, body armor, visor and shield. They stop and go to arrest Kris as the hysterical blonde bimbo explains that Kris set apon her boyfriend.
The police look around and see me, sitting in blue jeans, pink frilly blouse on and a vaguely shocked expression on my face.

"Miss, did you see what happened?"
"Yes, officer!"

Needless to say, the burly thug was carted off in handcuffs and I got free drinks all night from the Goths, Yay!
(Ocarina and the horse comes., Thu 22 Sep 2005, 19:27, Reply)

Confused Constable
I was driving home from work in my mini one dark evening and seemed to keep getting suck behind loads of cars exactly doing the speed limit. Each time I got behind one, I'd wait for an opportunity, pull out and scream past several at a time.

Little did I know that a cop had been following me for the last 6 miles, and had seen me breaking the speed limit several times.

At the moment he caught up with me, I went over a bump and my lights went out, as I fiddle madly with the switch trying to get them on again his lights and sirens go off.

Several apoligies later, he gives me a document to take down to the local cop shop to produce my documents and pay a fine :(

A few days later I walk into the station and give one of the cops my insurance etc and the document I was given, and he asks me if the cop that pulled me said he was going to fine me for speeding.

I think for a sec, and lie "No, he just said bring in your insurace and license", to which the cop replied, "oh the idiot has given you the wrong form. He must have been thinking about his model trains..".

With that, I got off with no fine :)
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 19:25, Reply)

Gay police horse
Did anyone else see the story that was in Metro newspaper a while back of a bloke who got put away for calling a police horse gay? It tickled me somewhat. I'd like to say that it was either me or my friend but it wasn't ...




... damn
(darkmavis86, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 18:53, Reply)

Lads Weekend
This is pretty much the story I will bang on about for the next 100 years of my life, oh well.

Last year we had just passed our GCSE's in the summer and were pretty much on top of the world, for a 16 yr old predicted D,D,D,D etc having got 3A's 5 B's and 1 C my mother was well chuffed, so when the prospect of a lads holibob to Bournemouth for a few days came up, she was more than happy to let me go and even funded the venture......idiot.

We got to bournemouth and started drinking heavily every day until the last night where we went completely mad, I ended up throwing up all over a table in a posh club and getting a bouncers foot firmly jammed up my arse as he drop kicked me from the door.

So fuck it, we all decided, lets go to the pier and do stuff.....anti social behaviour continued with us doing silly things like swinging our cocks around like helicopters and throwing bins over, then we saw her.

It was the gleaming bumper car ride of the pier, me and my mate knew what we had to do as soon as we saw it....We enlisted the help of two fat leicester boys and broke the security fences and proceeded to drive in the park with a following of 20 pissed people thinking we were gods gift to funnyness, we took it out on the high street and pushed it rediculously fast over speed humps and tried to tip the thing by swerving it.......then we saw the blue lights.

The cops who had obviously been watching every move on CCTV had come to pull us in, me and james jumped 30ft ran into the park and pretty much out ran all the fat donut eating twats......that was until the dogs came out.

Now I was pretty fit at this point, I could run for harrow, but this dog just kept chasing me, it eventually got hold of my leg and ripped me to the floor and to my dismay bit me in my fucking balls, cue 20 cops storming me pissing themselves as a 16 year old boy who had stolen a bumper car had a dog hanging to his nutsack.

I tell this story but no-one believes it because its so off the wall, it did happen, go and ask the bournemouth police if they remember me.

Oh and the funny thing is im going to brighton this weekend, I think im gonna wear a cricketers box when I go out....
(loopadoop loves toilets, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 18:48, Reply)

Bad timing
About five years ago, me and some friends were playing video games with our dorm door open. At one time we were having the cop cars fly off of ramps and hit each other. Someone said something like "Look pigs can fly!" Just as that was said, a cop walked in the open door, said "Ooops wrong room" and left.
Later I saw the cops walking past my door lugging some students and a stop sign. I learned later that there was a drug bust a few doors down on the third floor.
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 18:38, Reply)

Safe cops!
Me and a mate were sitting on the local park at about 3am last summer enjoying a fair bit of weed, both pretty stoned (I had begun to shake quite violently) when a police car pulls onto the park.

Cop drives past once with a flashlight as bright as the sun blaring towards us, and then drives back again and stops next to the bandstand. Gets out his car, walks up the steps, we're absolutely shitting it, and he says "Bit late surely lads, what you doing on here"

Luckily I hadnt got the skinning up equipment out, and even though only 5 minutes previously I had been shaking like a leaf, managed possibly the most intelligent sentence I have ever spoken... "Well, actually officer, we just fancied coming on here because it is out of the way of all the idiots and drunks in town and we didnt want to cause any trouble, just stay out until sunrise"

Officer looks at us slightly funny, then says "oh, ok. But if you see a tall bloke in a black leather jacket give us a call straight away" and handed us his card.

I skinned up again, and not only did we see what we thought was the "suspect" but my mate also remembered that he had a good 40 pills in his wallet, enough to get us both put away for a fair while (supplying class A drugs and whatnot).

However, about 45 minutes later, he came back, only with another officer. We were now thinking something along the lines of "we're fucked now" as I had all the requirements strewn out in front of me to make a joint. Both policemen get out the car, walk up the steps and say to us "come on now ya cheeky fuckers, smoke that on the way home and get to bed". Then just drove off and left us slightly shitting ourselves as they knew what was happening but also the two most relieved 19 year olds in the world!
(triley, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 18:30, Reply)

Thats right....
..I was walking out the bank with the swag, when about 40 armed coppers shouted "put the money down and lay down on your front" Whatever!! So I says "What with these muscles" and pointed to my forearms.... Yeah you guessed it they all bloody legged it. Pansies
(Bob Catshit, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 18:07, Reply)

Yeah... so anyway....
*I was speeding down Camden High Street today and about 20 armed coppers lept out and tried to give me a ticket... RIGHT!!!! You should have seen those pussies run when I put my fists up and challenged them all to a fight. One of them actualy shat his pants!!! much to the amusement of the gathering crowd.

*might not be strictly true
(Bob Catshit, Thu 22 Sep 2005, 17:43, Reply)