Our Australian relations
are famous for sending over bizarre gifts. We live in Auckland, New Zealand, they live in Sydney, Australia. One year they sent my dad a street map for his birthday. A street map of Sydney. Veeeeeery useful.

Another year, they decided for Christmas they'd get just one present for the whole family to share. What did we get? One of those "Solitaire" games where you jump the little balls over each other and if you can wind up with just one left you've one.

Fun for all the family.

Actually, that reminds me of a dodgy joke (yes yes, 2 questions too late):

Ok, imagine a radio ad announcer voice:

"Hey kids, why not play 'Incest'! The game the whole family can enjoy! Also known as 'Roll Your Own!'"
(seanfish, Sat 25 Sep 2004, 1:08, Reply)

Just remembered another one
About three years ago on Christmas my dad had said he was going to get me a digital camera. I was so excited as I had wanted one for a while. I grabbed the present he handed me and opened it to reveal... a disposable camera in a rubber glove (get it? digit-al). My sister said the expresion on my face was quite amusing. Later he gave me the real digital camera so it turned out good.
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Sat 25 Sep 2004, 0:41, Reply)

For some reason everyone in my family plays jokes on me
so one year while my grandparents were up for christmas, my parents called me into the living room so I could open their present before they went to bed. I opened it to find they had given me the gift of...all the things I had left there over the summer. A few shirts, a doll possibly. It was quite a collection. They thought it was the funniest thing in the world. I however didn't, so I chopped their heads off and gave them to my parents as christmas gifts.
( Lisette von Falcon, Sat 25 Sep 2004, 0:05, Reply)

Cyprus
A cheap market in cyprus.

A cheap imitation nike wallet.
(as1232004, Sat 25 Sep 2004, 0:03, Reply)

oh man.
so my birthday's on new year's. So my holiday (Hannukah) present and birthday present are relatively close, also, rarely anyone can make it to an actual birthday party, which is alright, since all the girls are already drunk for my birthday anyway.
i mean.
one time, my mother gave me a giant lego for my combined birthday/holiday present (Very nice, this is not the shit part). The my brother, whined for about ten miuntes, and just got one!. For an 11 year old boy, this is themost furstrating thing ever. Oh man, i hate siblings!
i guess i'm a whiny spoiled brat just as much as he is. but still. pure favoritism shit.
(LordFeldo, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 23:21, Reply)

Going round the bend
A friend's grandmother was getting on a bit, and the family had started to suspect she was losing her marbles. They had confirmation that Christmas.

The family had gathered together on Christmas morning, taking turns opening presents. Having gotten to the end of the pile, there was an uncomfortable silence when everyone realised that Gran hadn't given anyone a present. She then proceeded to open her bag, pulling out a large box of no-name soap, handing each family member a single cake with the comment "Sorry, didn't have time to go shopping"
(iusr, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 23:17, Reply)

My Grandad
Went away on holiday years ago. When he came back the only present he had got me was a packet of crisps. My other Grandad bought me a girl's keyring, a tiny Poke'mon t-shirt and a broken pen from Africa. Not really great presents for a 14 year old boy.
(Tragic Magic, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 22:55, Reply)

They've lived with us for years, how do they not know us!?
My Gran once gave me an amazingly bad plastic and metal 'racing car' that looked like it was a giant version of something that came out of an illegally imported chinese made Christmas cracker. I was 15. I blame my lack of a £30,000+ per year job on the red paint which obviously contained lead and poisoned me in some previously unknown and success draining way. She also used to give us our age in pound coins on our birthdays, she'd had enough apparently by the time we got to 22, we'd gone from £21 the previous year to £10 - which seems to have stuck, I'm 31. My wife is quite amazingly shit at buying Christmas presents, so I buy my own. I got a 60Gb mp3 player last year, she got a CD.
(Synaptyx, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 22:38, Reply)

I was once given a bra by an elderly relative
...I'm male, 'nuff said.
(SpookTheHamster, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 22:07, Reply)

Not really a gift.. but they felt it was..
The day after Christmas is a great day because you get to play with the great shit you got. My parents scheduled me to have my wisdom teeth taken out that day. I spent the rest of my vacation with a painfully, swollen jaw the size of a melon and drinking nasty soup from a straw. Thanks a lot, Ma!
(purple_slugbaby, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 21:56, Reply)

My great-grandmother...
...used to buy me and my sister a 'Learn Welsh the fun way' colouring book and crayons every year until I was 16. Bit pointless, as the entire family speaks Welsh already!

For my Mam, there was the enevitable pair of 'tea stained orange' tights and purfume that smells like it was filled up from the urinals at Cheltnham Spa train station

However, for 'that man and his son' (my father and brother) she would bestow apon them a withering glare. Charming woman really. Dead now though.
( owain2002, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 21:27, Reply)

crap presents
My gran promised by brother Brio trains for his sixth birthday. She got him one peice of track.
(Anchoivies, anchoivies, you're so delicious, I love you more than all the other fishes., Fri 24 Sep 2004, 20:34, Reply)

Pants
My Sister in-law once gave my older Sister a pair of knickers so big and scratchy that if she had ever worn them she would have gotten thrush and joggers nipple at the same time.

Same Sister in-law gave us matching make up boxes one year. Considering i'm a boyish lesbian and have never worn make up in my life ever. WTF was she thinking!

I also give crap presents as revenge. It's fantastic trying to keep a straight face when someone opens that hideous varse you bought for £2 in wilkinsons and tries to look gratefull. Serves you right for buying me crap the previous year.

I also hate people who give me gift vouchers so I can buy what I want. Either don't bother and get me a nice card or give me the cash. The kind of drugs I want can't be bought in Boots.
(DryGoldfish, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 19:57, Reply)

Here's a crap gift
A few years ago my mom noticed that my dad would always be looking at this neat looking polished rock at the museum and smiling. So she got it for him for his birthday. He opened up the present and laughed his ass off. The "rock" was a coprolite. Coprolite is a scientific name for the fossilized excrement, feces or droppings of ancient animals. Mom didn't know that that was what it was, but I still think it was hilarious.
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 19:43, Reply)

whats the best thing to get when your 7 years old?
underpants. im supposed to have hours of fun with underpants? while everyone else got me power rangers and transformers, i got undies. well i was chuffed.
(Ginonix, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 19:34, Reply)

worst presents
this is quite sad and may actually make you cry. one year my dad bought me a ring for christmas. that's right a ring. nothing else, but wait that's not the worst. the ring didn't fit me but it fit him so he kept it. and i got, yes you guessed it, NOTHING ! boo hoo. no wonder i'm mental.
( Aphex The Mink Snackless, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 19:29, Reply)

Evil Girlfriend and Annoying Aunt
Does my former girlfriend dumping me on my birthday count? Three days later she said it was all a mistake... if you're going to break up with someone surely you'd make sure you were certain, especially if it was their birthday, no? She didn't think of that, and I felt shit for my whole birthday weekend. Did I take her back? did I f...

Oh, another one, my mum's sister. Rich as anything. Married to a former high-up at Shell Oil or something. Their yearly gift to the offspring of her poorer sister is... a can of cheap deodorant. Not Lynx, no...Tesco's deodorant. Smells like shite.

Still, she's only bitter cos her son's a spacker and I'm not - ha!
(Hell, please. Return? No, one way, please, driver. Nice scythe)
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 18:45, Reply)

My gorgeous ex-girlfriend
bought me a lovely thong with little silver hearts on it for my birthday a few years back and instructed me to wear it...you see, we met at a drag party...long story. Anyhoo, the drag party was a one-off, and I declined to wear the thong. Some weeks later we split up. :-P
(Peet, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 18:42, Reply)

Oooh, and another one!
My grandma gave a me an old birthday card that I'D originally given HER. She claimed that I'd said I liked it so much I wanted it myself. It was pink with lots of kittens. I vaguely rmember giving her the card when I was 6 or 7. When it was returned I was 15.
(Pixel, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 18:32, Reply)

My uncle
Gave me a packet of out-of-date pasta for christmas.

For my birthday he gave me a framed postcard of a duck.

I gave him champagne for his next birthday, and with a biro I wrote "FUCK YOU TIGHTARSE" in tiny letters on the label. That showed him.
(~Sunny~, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 18:30, Reply)

Not me, but a friend
A friends cousin bought their grandmother one of those steady hand games with the metal hoop for put through a wire circuit.

She's got parkinsons.
(Hythe, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:52, Reply)

worst present
A packet of rolo's not the big ones ..the ordinary ones ..wrapped up in Christmas paper from my husband ..the twat .. needless to say he is not my husband now ...He said he hadn't had enough time ...I said he had had a year same as every other fucker ...( sorry ..it still tips me over the edge of reason thinking about it )
(Jessypuss Fiddling with stuff since 1957, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:41, Reply)

drunken gifts
On my 21st birthday( the legal drinking age here in The States), my parents took me out to a bar where they knew the owner. They told the lady it was my birthday, and instead of doing something nice like giving me free shots or whatever, she started giving me jewelry. And this wasn't normal jewelry. It was this plastic pirate junk. And then she gave me a couple of t-shirts that were way too big for me and had all these sequins and crap on them.
(pk, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:40, Reply)

oh
half a kilo of bombay mix
(John Doe, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:30, Reply)

my mum.
I have 2 brothers and a sister, my sister and oldest brother LOVE gadgets, me and my other bro hate them and love educationalesque things. Im 18, my brothers are 21 and 23 and my sister 25. She still hasnt figured out that we all swap on boxing day.
(she will now cause shes b3tan)
(carpediem, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:28, Reply)

Not necessarily christmas....
My mother. She sends me things.

If she's not buying me chavtastic gold jewellery for my birthday (I can't wear gold, I'm yellow as it is - and a goth), she's sending me random presents. like;

A box of Ready Brek and a pot of honey

A few jars of jam and some blue eyeshadow (no, really)

Two boxes of Lemsip

Some peppermint oil and a notebook

Eczema shampoo, soap and bath oil (I don't and have never had eczema)

And the best, the latest;

A bottle of Zoflora disinfectant - for my sinus problems! (which I don't have but will if I sniff that shit)

There have been others, I have just tried to forget.
(Beklet is inexplicably angry, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:26, Reply)

cheapo boyfriend
my utterly useless dole dossing white cider swigging boyfriend of 7 years ago borrowed 20quid off me to buy me a present for my birthday. he presented me with 5 roleplay dice which cost £1.50.. i waited all night thinking he was going to give me my real present in some nice romantic manner. nope, hed spent 18.50 on beer and had a threesome with two equally unemployable women whilst choosing my dice. needless to say ive now been happily married to one of his more successful, working, clean and non-alcoholic schoolfriends for almost 6 years, and i get presents like mp3 stereos, new rock boots and clinique :-)
( nbby notkins, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:24, Reply)

Mad old cat lady
across the street keeps giving me and my dad kinky presents. My last festive card portrayed a bear interested in giving me an Austratlian kiss: "like a french kiss but down under", and my dad got an illustrated Karma Sutra calender.
Niiiiiiiice.
(gingernot, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:20, Reply)

NOTHING!!!!!
I don't think I've ever gotten a present I didn't like.

I even get presents on my brother's birthday.
He gives me the ones he don't like. Like pink things. Even though I don't like pink.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:12, Reply)

Grannies!!
Crazy ol' grannies give the best gifts.

Mine collected an entire set of Gollywog badges from Robertsons Jam. She gave me nearly 20 racist buttons and got mad that I never wore them. I quite liked the Fishing Gollywog though...

She also gave me a Red sweater embriodered with a giant clown on it that made laughing noises. Too bad I was 15.
(Vicatron, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:08, Reply)