My English teacher asked me for an example of a 'double entendre'...
...so I gave her one!
(TheBowlOfPetunias : "Oh no, not again...", Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:29, 1 reply)

my last pun i promise
an old women is sat on the bus behind two young italian men, listening in on the following convosation.....

(please read this as its spelt)

emma comes first,
thena i
thena botha es
thena i
thena botha es
thena i
thena pee
thena i

women: thats disgusting how you can both talk about sex with his girlfriend like that!!

italian man: noa youa missa understanda me, i was telling my frienda how to spell mississipi
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:26, 2 replies)

one more
as jade goodie is being cremated, she has asked that everyone who is attending her funeral to be given a little satin pouch filled with her ashes. there're being called 'goodie bags'
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:07, Reply)

and again
2 parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other, can you smell fish?
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:03, Reply)

2 cats
i cant spell in french so if you read it as you see it, it might be funnier?

one english cat called 'one two three'
and
one french cat called 'une deux twa'

they dicide to have a race accross the river

who won?

the english cat won
because the french cat

'une deux twaa catre sanc'
(gingerbollocks 'happy and content' since, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:02, Reply)

might as well


seeing as everyone else is..


man walks into a butchers..

"give us a pound of kidleys please" . . . .he says

"what? surely you mean 'kidneys'" . . . says the butcher somewhat miffed..

"well that's what I said didlle I" . . . sayith the man, straight faceith...

I think next weeks question, or is it this weeks ? should be amusing newspaper headlines...
(The Cats Twat, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 23:54, 1 reply)

This QOTW reminds me of my schooldays
Back when I was doing my GCSEs I really struggled to figure out how and when to get my studying done. Luckily two friends of mine really helped me out so I ended up doing OK. I've put a picture of the three of us below. That was a long time ago now of course, I've got a job in insurance and my two mates are a funeral director and a druggie respectively (shame that).




That's me and the coroner
That's me and the pot guy
Choosing my revision
( GarbageFan didn't know what to have as a board sig on, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 22:35, 6 replies)

Shop Haunting
Have a pearoast

When he was a bit younger, my brother got a part time job at a fishmonger's. Really unpleasant work - gutting fish, throwing away the guts and making them look presentable for the customers. The owner of the shop used to pay well though, purely because the job sucked and that was the only way he'd get someone to stay there long enough. Fish gutting and scaling is an art, and you need practice in order to stay good at it.

Now, having spent a bit too much on beer one week, brother dear was needing some overtime pay. And stayed late for three nights in a row, catching up on fish gutting. Nothing happened on the first two nights. On the third night, so I'm told, it was creepy. It was summer, but the inside of the shop was cold. Not just the fish storage or the counter but the whole shop. This wasn't solved even by turning the heating on.

He kept hearing whispers. Fragments of words in the background, always coming from the shop front. Every time he went out there, no-one was there. Obviously, after a while you'd get a bit creeped out.

After finishing up, he heard the whisper one last time, saying something like "hello?". He went out to check... and saw something there. A thing, in a black robe, transparent. Like the stereotypical image you have of Death. But stinking of fish.

It stuck a finger out at him and said in a loud clear voice.

"I'VE COME FOR YOUR SOLE"
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 21:51, Reply)

THIS IS ABOUT MATHS, TURN AWAY NOW
My Engineering Mathematics lecturer (all good stories start like this) was explaining how to convert from cartesian to polar co-ordinates during multiple integral calculus doing mathsy things.

In his west country accent, he went on to explain
"... so you get arrrr de arrr de theeterrrr"

and kept repeating "arrr de arrr de theeterrrr"
amongst many a titter from the group of students in the lecture room.

It was the closest approximation to pirate maths I am ever likely to encounter.

Also, seeing as that was a fairly dreadfull story, have a joke:
A mathematician and an engineer were each tied to chairs. A naked woman stood an equal distance from both of them. The two men were told that the distance between them and the woman would be halved every five minutes. The mathematician cries out "Oh no! I'll never get there! I'll just keep getting closer until I'm an infinitesimal distance away."
The engineer calmly states "I'll get close enough for all practical purposes"
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 21:44, 1 reply)

ban this filth!
we must protect the world from this hardcore punography
(rocknroll_pirate had a dream involving holly willoughby and custard, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 21:36, Reply)

Sorry Spanky
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( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 21:29, 3 replies)

It's true... It happened
My flatmate was talking to his sister's boyfriend last week and he was explaining to him what a bad effect the current economic downturn was having on his job as a roof contractor.

Unknowlingly, my flat mate came out with "Sounds like a roofless industry to be working in..."

Had no idea he's said it till his sister turned round and hi-5'd him!
(Something funny, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 20:41, Reply)

Geography
Idaho one night.
I met her in the Gaza Strip club.
Bihac cost me 50 quid.
What could I do? She had me by the Balearics.

It was the West Bank I ever had.
(Cyril the Squirrel is not a real squirrel, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 20:39, Reply)

snarf


"archaeologists regularly discover ancient dildos but are reluctant to label them as such, probably because they don't want to be known as "that guy that keeps discovering dildos--you know, Indiana Dongs."

AHAHAHAHAHA
(goorf, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 18:32, 2 replies)

Erm..
What's the difference between a dead baby and a ferrari?

I don't have a garage
(sniffle is full of shit, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 18:26, 2 replies)

Ghandi
Walked everywhere causing him to have aching feet, was very old and frail, highly spiritual, and his diet gave him constant bad breath.


He was known as...













Mahatma - which is in fact a title or term of endearment. His real name was "Mohandas K. Ghandi".


What?
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 18:20, Reply)

Did anyone mention George Micheal?
A few year ago, the famous singer's house was broken into, and some pictures stolen.
The headline in the Sun the next day?
"George Micheal burgled by art bandits"
(alboyalex, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 18:01, Reply)

I'm going to be cunted in the fuck for this.
A friend of mine (let's call him Dan, for 'tis his name) took the opportunity to retire from city life a few years ago and took the opportunity to buy a small vineyard and chateau in Bordeaux. It was known as Chateau Daley.

Now as many of you know, wines grown in specific areas of France, and indeed many other countries qualify as being part of an "Appelation D'Origine Controlle" (AOC) which means that only wines from a certain area may be used for the production of wine (for example, champagne can only come from a certain number of vineyards in the Champagne area. Unfortunately for Dan, he was just outside the Appelation border for Bordeaux wine. However, the grapes he grew (a variety of sauvignon) were particularly good when fortified with sherry, producing a fine port. Of course, Port is also a protected title, so Dan used to carry out his fortification in a shed 3 miles from his house near the town of Peyrilles. From there, some "contacts" would load it into a truck for bottling and export in Portugal, where it could even still be produced for a much lower price than local tipple. The demand became so high, that a small underground railway was built using ex Royal Mail underground rolling stock to take the grapes from the Chateau to the bottling plant, thus keeping operations secret.

Unfortunately, one of Dan's neighbours found out about this and demanded a piece of the action, i.e. that Dan built a branch line from the neighbour's house to the bottling plant, so that he could use it to transport his own grapes. As such, he was...

Daley's Port Shed Line Offshoots User.


I'll kill myself immediately.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Wed 11 Mar 2009, 17:14, 9 replies)

Jesus Christ
is pottering round his flat, putting up some shelves for Mrs Christ.

Suddenly, he drops the Black & Decker on his foot.

He screams, reaches down and grabs his foot and shouts:

"Meeeeeee!!!"
( SpankyHanky, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:51, 1 reply)

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar
Barman says, ''why the long face?''
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:47, 3 replies)

A horse walks into a bar
The barman says;

'Why the long face?'

And the horse says;

Nothing. It's a horse.
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:29, Reply)

A Geordie Kid
in my school got suspended once for answering a simple question in geography:

Teacher: "Where does Colmans mustard come from, and do you think it was planned or by luck that they discovered the perfect recepie for this wonderful condiment?"

Geordie kid: "Norfolk n chance."

He was straight out the door.

Couldn't abide swearing in my school.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:24, Reply)

Mahatma Ghandi
...walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He was a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a . . .


super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
(Otter as serious as cancer, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 15:50, 4 replies)

This week has taught me
that I'm the best at puns, and you need me.

You might say you're...

depundent.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 15:30, 2 replies)

Celine Dion walks into a bar...
...and the barman says "We have a whisky named after you".

Celine Dion replies "Fuck off, I'm in the wrong Question Of The Weak".
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 15:23, Reply)

Bastard Offspring
The garret door's lock gave easily. Two men entered, guns drawn, to assess the scene.

It was one they'd seen all too often. The booths at either end of the loft were a dead giveaway, but it was the slowly writhing figure before them, with its compound eyes and clawlike hands, that clinched it. Disturbed, swarms of flies rose from every surface.

"What's drawing them all?" The younger man asked.

"To a fly, size really must matter," his companion replied.

The younger man surveyed the grossly mutated figure as it spasmed.

"He made a pretty fly, for a white guy."
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 14:56, 2 replies)

From my son
My daughter (7) was writing out some words, and asked if the second letter of "Two" was "w" or "n".

I told her, "If it was n, it would be 'tno', which isn't a word."

"Yes it is," replies my son (10).

"No it isn't!"

"You know, from the song!"

"... What song?"

"Getting tno you, getting tno all about you...."

I've created a monster.
(ArghWrath, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 14:44, Reply)

Poster Boy
I was lucky enough to wrangle some free tickets to an advertising industry doo recently. Not that I give a shit about advertising, I just love getting loads of free booze and food - and we're not talking sausages on sticks. This place was fucking posh. We're talking sausage and PINEAPPLE on sticks.

Fucking great.

I was hovering round the bar, trying interesting and colourful cocktails when a tall stunning blonde approaches me.

"You've got something about you," she breathed.

"Ohh, that's nice," I replied, surreptitiously checking myself in the mirror behind the bar for lose peanuts that may have somehow become lodged to my face.

"Are you interested in advertising?" this leggy siren asked.

Shaking my head, I replied: "Yes, of course."

"I'm an advertising executive, and I really think you'd be perfect as our new poster boy..."

Wow!!!

"What's it advertising?" I asked, slurping at my bright green cocktail.

"It's advertising boxer shorts.... Tight boxer shorts," she looked me up and down. "Does it sound interesting to you?"

I shrugged. "Fucking awsome!"

She reached into her clutch bag and brought out a business card. She scribbled her address and a time on the back. Handing the card over to me she said: "Be here at this time tomorrow, and we'll get on with it... Poster boy..." she smiled an alluring smile at me and slinked off.

Fuck me!!! Poster boy for tight boxer shorts! Nice one!

Then I started thinking where I could find a salami and two decent size limes to stick down the front of my pants...

When I got home I scanned the card. Her name was Lucious De Villa. Fuck me!!! That sounded sexy as fuck. I was incredibly excited. I hardly slept that night, waiting for my big day.

The next morning, bright and early, I turned up at Lucious' address. It was a wicked apartment, all glass walls from floor to ceiling. It was like being in an incredibly posh greenhouse. She was wearing a sexy little off the shoulder job, all I could think was she was absolutely fucking naked under all those clothes.

"Let's go, poster boy," she breathed at me, and led me back outside the way I'd come.

"Over there," Lucious pointed. I followed her outstreched finger...

...To a big pot of glue, a huge fucking brush, and loads of rolled up bits of paper, set to one side of a blank billboard.

"If you start on this one here, I'll be out in half an hour to tell you how to get to the next billboard. You can get the bus from round the corner."

Bugger... Now I was angry...

I picked up the closest rock to me, a big ugly looking piece of flint covered in moss and crap. I hefted it and walked determindly back towards Lucious' apartment.

Moments later I was in her apartment. She stared at me, wondering what the hell I was going to do.

"What the hell are you going to do?" she asked.

I lifted the piece of flint and considered chucking it, but, well... I had a change of heart. "I'm sorry, I have to go now," I said, and placed the flint awkwardly on her nice white carpet and fucked off.

It's not as if it was her fault. I mean, my vanity made me think I was a natural choice to model boxers, when I really should only model a box... from the inside... with the top pulled shut...

As I was leaving I glanced over my shoulder and muttered: "Lucious, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

And then I went. And on the way home was abducted by aliens.

But that's another story.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 14:21, 4 replies)