It might be best if....
We just give this one to Apeloverage and move on with our lives.



There's no pun.
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:11, Reply)

I'm so sorry.
Did you hear they found a narcissistic male lion whose females had turned on him?
Turns out it was his pride that did him in…

What do you get after playing the lute for 10 hours straight?
Minstrel cramps.

P.s - Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.

Two fishermen were in a boat by the lake, when one of them stood to catch a fish in a net. As he scooped up the carp, his wallet fell out of his back pocket. As the seemingly doomed billfold started to sink to the lake bottom, the carp slipped out of the net and swam after it, re-emerging with it on his nose.

However, instead of returning it, he tossed it to one of his fish buddies, who balanced it on his nose. More of more of fish-buddies emerged from the water, and all of them played this strange game of keep-away with the man’s billfold.
The first man watched, slackjawed. He said to the other “Have you ever seen anything like this before?”
The second man answered “Sure I have. Haven’t you heard of carp-to-carp walleting?”

Archaeologists in Britain found part of an ancient door. It had a stone hinge on it.
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:10, 2 replies)

The guy who threw those shoes at Bush...
I heard that the guy who threw shoes at Bush said that was his sole-purpose in life. And when he was throwing the shoes at Bush, he was probably thinking "SHOE BUSH!"
(NERDYLURKER is attempting to divide by zero, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:10, Reply)

An old Two Ronnies news item...
A debate in the House of Commons this afternoon focused on the unsatisfactory height of the Commons furniture.

This follows an incident last week when a junior minister rushed into the House and tabled his amendments.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:06, Reply)

True story - perhaps slightly tenuous though...
I was on a rare business trip away from Edinburgh - to sunny Cardiff.

I was checking in at the hotel reception, and a rather attractive Australian receptionist was attending to me.

Receptionist: "Would you like a newspaper in the morning sir?"

Me: "I don't suppose you could get your hands on a Scotsman for me?"

Receptionist: "I'd love to get my hands on a Scotsman sir!"

Me: "Excellent. What time do you finish?"

Receptionist: "11 o'clock!"

Bingo!
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:02, 1 reply)

Of my own invention
Two tables walk into a bar - the first one says, "I'll get this round."

To which his friend replies, "Ok, next drinks are on me."
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:01, Reply)

Been done yet?

Bill: 'Monica, I need a bit of quiet in here and that lunch was awful - do something about it will you?'

Monica: 'So you want me to hold your calls and sack your cook?'
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:58, Reply)

Puns are the farts of language
and you never think your own stink.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:58, 1 reply)

Maybe bindun already
Me and a mate always do this one to wind up our wives and kids...

Mate: You know, I used to go out with a girl from the Carribean.

Me: Jamaica?

Mate: No, she wanted to.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:55, 2 replies)

So
Why does Rupert Bear wear yellow checked trousers?



Because he's a twat....



Sorrys....
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:53, Reply)

Ultimate wit
I said: "What are the best kind of Jews? Orange jews."
My housemate said: "Yeah? I find them a bit Hasidic."

/highfive
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:53, 2 replies)

Easter
Easter is fast approaching and it makes me nostalgic for years gone by, when as I child I would receive numerous chocolate eggs from relatives and family friends. I would gorge on chocolate until I was ill.

However, these feelings are always accompanied by a tinge of pity for my French cousin Jean, who never knew such pleasure. He only received a single, solitary chocolate treat.

For as the French say: 'One egg is un oeuf'.
(I Was a Teenage Spaceship, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:50, Reply)

The world's most popular Abba tribute act
are from Australia.

Ironic, don't you think, considering all the Abba-originals there.
(Newton Crosby, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:48, Reply)

Holmes and Watson in an new and refreshing style
"I say Holmes, the devious villain has swallowed the vital clue to crack this case!"

"Fear not Watson - using this device taken from Professor Moriarty, we may shrink ourselves such that we can go inside his body via his mouth and recover the clue!"

"How clever! My word Holmes, it looks exactly like a miniature barge..."

"And so it should Watson, for we are to use it upon a canal."

"But Holmes, you just said we were going inside the scoundrel...where does a canal come into this?

"Alimentary, my dear Watson."

*pop*
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:46, 2 replies)

I was the only one laughing.
13 yo daughter shuffled her feet on the carpet and gave the 16 yo daughter a good zap of static shock.

16 yo: "Trish just shocked me! You need to ground her!"
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:45, 1 reply)

Not many people know this...
Jim Kerr of Simple Minds fame was born in Mexico; his real first name is Jaun.

Also Beyonce Knowles is Roy Castle's secret love child. She didn't take his name though.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:40, 1 reply)

I use this daily:
me (pretending to do crossword): "I'm stuck on this clue - A Busy Postman."

victim: "How many letters?"

me: "thousands!"
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:35, 2 replies)

A mexican named Juan
was sick and tired of the heat in Mexico, So he upped sticks to Nome, Alaska. where on arrival he set up a lumber retaling business.

But business was poor, so he went to drown his sorrows in a local bar.

Sipping his tequilla alone he opened up to the bar man.

"I came to Nome, to sell wood. Good wood from local forests. But I'm up to my eyeballs in debt because no one will come to my shop"

The bar man pityingly said "look, no offense here Juan, but the locals don't trust you, they think your selling cheap Mexican lumber. They assume that you'll put local woodcutters out of business "

Enlightened Juan rushed back to his shop and put up a big sign that said,

"Juan's is the Nomeliest Lumber you'll ever see"
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:33, 3 replies)

Huryy up Mr. Lautrec
We have no time Toulouse...
( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:30, Reply)

Spotted on my travels in New Zealand


I don't think they charged extra for this little luxury.

It's more a 'double entrendre' than a pun it still makes me chuckle.

From memory it was a charity horse riding event or something.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:26, 1 reply)

oh gosh
Whats brown and sticky?





Shit mixed with sperm.


(ha - you thought I was going to say 'a stick' didn't you)
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:26, 4 replies)

Honda
A fella goes to his doctor and says "it's really embarassing doctor but whenever i fart the noise that comes out is 'honda'".

doc consults some books and says "ah, you don't need me, you need to see your dentist"

odd, thinks the fella but off he trots to his nhs dentist - which as we know in 21st century england is a doddle (oof, cutting edge satire, i'm even wearing a sparkly suit and red twat owl glasses)

dentist takes one look inside his gob and pronounces "ah, i can see your problem - you have an abscess"

fella is perplexed "an absecess?? but it's my farts that are the problem"

dentist takes out his spang hammer "yes, didn't you know an abscess makes your fart go honda?"

i thank you!

*exits left*
( sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:25, 2 replies)

I think this may help a few people..
dictionary.reference.com/browse/pun?qsrc=2888
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:21, 2 replies)

I'll just poppin this one..
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,He suffered from bad breath.
This made him ..

..A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
(bryo, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:19, 2 replies)

I had a bollock cancer scare a few years back.
The combination of the searingly discomforting pain in my left love spud, coupled with the agony of waiting for an appointment with my GP left me feeling a bit testy, I can tell you.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:14, Reply)

Headline writing shenanigans
I served time as a sub editor at a daily rag on the south coast, the following is probably (and sadly) one of my proudest moments there.

Putting together one of the "community" pages I was sifting through the announcements and found one for the local WI group. They were to have a slideshow on the flora and fauna of the Greek islands, including Kefalonia, Lesbos and Xanthe.

Dull afternoon infinitely improved by use of "Lesbos Exposed" as headline.

Couldn't count how many times I and others used the headline "Get a semi in xxxx" in the property section, but it didn't offer the same degree of satisfaction somehow.
(Penguins_Made_Me_Do_It is a dolt ... and she don't care, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:11, 5 replies)

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they yarrrrr
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:10, Reply)

Oh God....
Puns...

Between myself and some of my friends we have developed something of an unhealthy obsession with puns, and are regularly found literally wasting hours sitting in total silence playing "the pun game".

There are only a few simple rules.

1. You can't decide to play the pun game. It has to happen naturally. See rule 2.

2. Puns must be based around an organic subject. For example, you can't say "let's think of puns about fishing". More often than not, the game is started by a conversation topic veering into another conversation topic, and the unlikely scenario that would be created by combining the two.

The problem is, the game never seems to be over until EVERY POSSIBLE PUN has been wrung out of said situation.

So, with this in mind, you can understand how four of us sat from about 8pm till 4am doing nothing else except coming up with puns. Well, maybe you can't understand it. I wouldn't blame you.

This is how we ended up with these choice selections:

On the topic of wrestlers who had been in films -

Hulk Hogan in "Das Big Boot"

Shawn Michaels in "The Sound Of Sweet Chin Music"

as well as the not-very-punlike-but-still-rather-amusing image of The T1000 being played by one of the Bushwhackers.

On the subject of a Nazi themed buffet -

"Burger and Belsen"

"Luftwaffles"

"Panzerfeast"

And so on...

God only knows how many hours of my life I have lost, sitting totally in silence in a pub trying to think of a pun to beat all puns.

The amusing part is, people often look at us sitting in stony silence and think we're being really contemplative and deep in thought, as though we were philosophers or artists or something, only for the silence to be broken by one of us shouting "Luftwaffles!" and the rest of us falling about laughing.

The other game we seem to play a lot is replacing a word in an album title with the word "soup".

Such as "Appetite For Soup", "The Dark Side Of The Soup", "A Vulgar Display Of Soup"... Oh God, it never ends...
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:09, 2 replies)

There's a grow shop just outside Edinburgh
selling hydroponic kits and that called "Sunshine on Leaf". Made me giggle, it did.
(surlygirl spanked your monkey on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:06, 2 replies)

...
"My wife has just opened an off-licence in South Manchester"
"Stockport?"
"Yes, many varieties"
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:06, 2 replies)