Whisper softly in my ear, say the words I dread to hear....
Doesn't involve me directly but worth a mench, I think - yrsnyrs ago there was a girl living - or regularly visiting her boyfriend - somewhere up the road from me who had a healthy horizontal appetite, and who was LOUD. Seriously, crockery rattlingly, stuff your ears with cotton wool, turn on the radio and stick the pillow over your head loud. Her other half was clearly either extremely talented, or had a jazz cucumber that should have been reclassified as a marrow. So,you get the idea. Loud.

Anyway, after a few weeks of this, and after the usual nightime broadcast of groans, screams, wails etc, she yells out "I LOVE YOU". This was followed by complete utter silence. Never heard a thing again.

Struck me as quite sad.....
(joe is troubled Got all married and teh stuffs, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 17:54, 5 replies)

I
left my heart in san fran's disco.
(dchurch bah, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 17:50, Reply)

What is Love?
Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 17:31, 3 replies)

Clarity.
I used to think that i only attracted Obsessive nutjob women.
Now i think i am slowly starting to realize that its me that might be mental and I've just put these women through hell.
Nevermind.
(Margatemug, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 16:54, 4 replies)

Could it be magic? No. No it couldn't.
He was a friend of a friend of a friend, he was from out of town, he was older than me, he was oh-so-cool and oh my god he fancied me! I was absolutely besotted with him. I must admit, at the age of 22, I was still a little (ok…a lot) wet behind the ears. I’d only ever had long term boyfriends the same age as me and I wasn’t, and still aren’t, the kind of woman who can treat sex and feelings as separate. I fell head over heels for him but he was after an easy shag and knew just how to keep me hooked.

After about 6 months I realised that I didn’t really like the headspace I was in when it came to dealing with him, and I also realised that he was a little bit of a headcase. So, in a moment of strength and clarity, I decided to get rid. Unfortunately, this revelation coincided with me getting my very first place. Being a sofa surfer of no fixed abode, he realised that he loved me and wouldn’t it be a great idea if he moved in with me so we could both save money. Sucker over here fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Within weeks, the magic had well and truly buggered off. I had two jobs because he refused to pay for anything. While I was at my second job, being on my feet for 15 hours a day, he would have people round until 3 in the morning. My flat is a studio flat, bedroom and living room all one room, and I wasn’t allowed to go to bed as people would want drinks and food and I was the one who had to play waitress. If I asked if people could leave so I could go to sleep I would have the piss ripped out of me mercilessly. Nastily. He very quickly, but very subtly, got textbook abusive. This is where I thought I was too wise to get caught up in something like that. I’d read stories about domestic abuse victims, I’d donate to the charities, I was aware of all the tricks the abusers use, but I still fell for it all and I don’t understand how. I never thought I would. I thought I was stronger than that. I never thought it would be me.

Everytime I’d speak he’d pick apart the things I’d say or make fun of imagined speech impediments. Near the end, I barely spoke. If I asked him to contribute to the finances he’d start yelling and screaming about how I was trying to wreck his life. If I asked him to pack up and leave, he’d refuse. If I wanted to get out of the flat to get some air he wouldn’t let me. He would lock and barricade the doors and wouldn’t let me leave. I was terrified. There was nothing I could do. It very quickly turned physical. At first, inanimate objects got the brunt of his rage. My coffee table, chest of drawers and shelving unit all got turned in to kindling. There are still holes on the doors and walls where he’d throw punches or things. Then I was the target. It was just grappling at first; he’d grab me and throw me about. One time, he spat at me. I came over all bold and told him if he did it again I’d slap him. So he hocked up a loogie all over my face. I slapped him. He grabbed me and forced me to the floor with one hand squeezing my neck, his knee on my chest pinning me down, the other hand pulling back and punching the floor closer and closer to my head, all while he screamed in my face about how useless, stupid, annoying, worthless I was. I’d scrunch my eyes shut and beg him to stop, while trying to pretend it wasn’t happening. That was his favourite way of grinding me down. It was almost every day. There didn’t seem to be a ‘trigger’. It didn’t matter if I was nice or mean, if I stood up to him or turned into a passive idiot, I’d get a beating. I’m only a skinny thing and another of his favourite tricks was to grab my forearms near my elbows and grind the bones. He was very strong. It hurt like hell. Near the end of the ‘relationship’ and during another of his rages he had me by the arms, had backed me into a corner and was calmly telling me how stupid I was. He’d never been calm before. Perhaps he was just messing about this time. I tried appealing to him, told him he was really really hurting me and he was going to break my arms if he carried on. He smiled. And squeezed harder. I asked him to let go again. Nope, squeezed harder still. That smile terrified me. He actually thought it was funny. He was enjoying it. So, I thought to myself, this is getting tough now; you have to get out of this. Kick him in the balls, and when he lets go, scarper. I kneed him in the balls, I put everything in to it so fucking hard, and went to pull away but he pulled me back and kicked me in the stomach. Even when his balls must have obviously been screaming at him, he had the piece of mind to take a step back so he could get a good run up. I dropped like a sack of spuds while he stood over yelling about how I was going to have to take him to hospital because he balls were swelling up.

Not long after that last incident, about 7 months after he moved in, I again asked him to leave. And he did. It was like something clicked in his crazy, crazy mind and he quietly packed up his stuff and left. The relief was unbelievable. I found out afterwards that he had routinely beaten his ex-wife quite nastily, and he had proper mental problems although I never found out what they were. I was so angry for so long afterwards. At everyone and everything. I was angry at myself for being such an idiot. Such an unbelievable fucking idiot. Why did I put up with it? For so long? Why the fucking hell was I so infatuated with him?! Why didn’t I turn to anyone for help?! I was angry at his friends for not telling me what he was like. It turned out his friends knew him for the cunt he was and had an idea about what was going on. I was angry at my neighbours when they said in passing that they would hear him going on at me. Why didn’t they help? How could they sit there, with just a wall between us and let that carry on?! God, the anger. It was so explosive. Some of it was justified, some of it wasn’t. And then one day, it just wasn’t there anymore. I had changed. Looking back, I had changed for the worse. I was cynical, pessimistic, empty. Looking back, I really should have gotten help. I never realised at the time (you never do though, do you), just how much of a pit I was in, and just how close I was to falling off the tightrope.

Luckily, everything turned out for the best. I got over it, got my life back on track and everything is looking better and better.

I wittered on for quite a while there, didn’t I? Sorry about that. If you know, or have an inkling that someone is being abused please help them. Please don’t turn a blind eye. You’ll probably (rightly, to be fair) think that it’s none of your business and/or you don’t want to be involved, and they will most likely tell you they don’t want the help. There’s nothing you can do but be there. It means the world.
(Beacon, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 16:54, 20 replies)

charm
6 months into a relationship an ex asked me to do anal. being young, inexperienced and a little unkeen I asked why, hoping for an explanation of how it would be a pleasure for us both and bring us closer together.

"well" he replied "...it's just something to do, isn't it?"
(purplebiro, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 16:53, 7 replies)

Sorry for off topic but what happened to the Belladonnaandyne (sp) Vs Rory Lyon thread
It just disappeared......poof!!!
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 16:41, 56 replies)

you can't leave me!
i know you said your heart's in L.A, but your head's in my fucking fridge
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 16:36, Reply)

Assistance required. Yes, I'm asking for advice from the internets. How low have I stooped?
My current GF has had a couple of fairly ridiculous outbursts in front of my family. She's also quite possessive and I seem to get constantly grilled on my relationships with female friends (purely platonic, and who I've known for years - long before I met the GF). She justifies all this by saying that "but I wouldn't be like this if I didn't love you".

Is this a reasonable excuse, or is she just as mad as a box of frogs?

On the plus side, she goes like a barn door in a hurricane, and more importantly, she swallows. (I thought I needed to add this in for the sake of balance.)

Bonus points will be awarded for humourous replies, but deducted for mindless trolling.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 25 Oct 2010, 16:18, 31 replies)

My wife starts arguments
To see me get angry and explode. Apparently that means I care when I get so upset. I think it means I'm pissed off and tired of hearing her shit.

Our magic isn't gone, but it is pretty crappy about half the time.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 15:42, 11 replies)

A lesson in why marriages fail
Even with the aid of retrospect, time and healing, it remains rather difficult to pinpoint when my first marriage began to fail; when we lost that spark and magic. I think it may have been when he started having anonymous unprotected sex with men in toilets, although it could have been when I neglected to make his favourite pot roast on a cold winter's evening. One never can be truly certain about these things.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 15:09, 15 replies)

The reason you haven't felt it
is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons. You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one.

D. Draper
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 14:47, 7 replies)

A fishy story if ever I heard one
Once upon a time, there was a Moray eel named Alfred who lived in Portsmouth and was a very well-known celebrity figure in the local area. Alfred, while not of particularly noble stock himself, did have quite a few friends in high places, including a hermit crab called Maurice, who was notable for being the first ever crustacean to enter the House of Lords.

Now, as most people will remember, in 2005, to mark the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar, warships from around the world assembled just off Portsmouth to be reviewed by Her Majesty. While this was undoubtably a proud occasion for all involved, such a show of naval might did not sit at all well with the marine population of the south coast, most of whom had lost friends and family to propellor screws, munitions and petrochemical pollution.

As the excited crowds watched and waved, a smaller but equally vocal band of fish and squid from as far afield as Poole and Hastings gathered by the sea wall with their hand-made placards, and to show their displeasure and contempt with the whole event, Maurice and Alfred stood on the highest bollard they could find, and turned their backs on proceedings.

Their protest didn't go unnoticed by the local press, as the headline in The News the next morning read "Crab Peer, Eel A Shun Ships".
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 14:43, 3 replies)

The magic never existed
Because it's a massively outdated, superstitious construct developed in paganistic communities prior to the onslaught of Christianity and Islam, in which local purveyors of wisdom - generally elders - would often deliberately obfuscate focus on their shortcomings as healers through use of deliberately obtuse ritual, incantation and flamboyant application of very basic chemical reactions.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 14:20, 7 replies)

I'll spare the blah blahs
I should have guessed she was a psycho when I jokingly asked her to move in with me (after she'd had a row with her dad) and within 30 mins she was at my house with a suitcase.

Thinking, ok I'll go with it till she gets back on her feet, I let her stay.
It was four years before I managed to pull her rabid claws out of my flesh and get rid of her.
Four years of supporting her while she tried (and failed) to find a job she could keep for more than a month.
Four years of her trying to put me down and control me at every opportunity.

What started as a great sex life, soon became "I've gone off sex" and sleeping for days at a time.
She spent a year in a hospital for the manically depressed and only coming home on the weekends to try to make me cry.
She wasnt depressed, she was lazy and had figured if she went to the hospital all she had to do was paint pictures and talk about herself all the time (her two favourite things).

The end came when a fat cnut called Lester told her he'd seen the future and that she was to have his child and I would raise it. It was to be a star child (wotever the fuck that is).

I nodded patiently as I packed a bag full of her stuff and threw it out the second floor window.

Goodbye Lisa, I'm glad I never met you again.
(EvilMeister, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 14:09, 1 reply)

I knew when the magic was gone
when she threw away my Chinese linking rings and my 'saw a woman in half' cabinet.

bindun shirley?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 14:08, 1 reply)

I knew the magic had gone when
she threw the content of her drink in my face and then threw the empty glass at my head.

After she had stormed off a guy in the bar asked me, "What did you do!?", so I told him, "I went out with her for 2 years."

That usually does it.
(Kintandi all lower case, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 14:01, 4 replies)

Mrs SLVA and I
Will have been together for 21 years in Janurary and married for 15. We still act as if we've only just met, we miss each other when we're apart and all sorts of soppy stuff that couples our age shouldn't get up to. We still hold hands when out and about and other public displays of affection. I wonder if people see my wedding ring and assume my wife is actually my bit on the side, we're that touchy-feely (fnarr). So consequently, I'm not really in a position to comment on this QOTW.

However, (and this is a pea roast), my mate Steve went out with Velma from Scooby Doo. We could all see that she was trouble, and clearly looked upon Steve as a stop-gap until a better catch came along. Ironically because Steve is the nicest guy I've ever met and deserved someone far better than her (and I'm not just saying that because he's a mate). But he wouldn't have listened, no matter how big our hints were.

Anyway, they got wed and after a marriage so short that they still had cake left, he found out she was having an affair with someone from work, so he packed his bags and left before she even got home, leaving a note for her to find.
We pointed out that we almost told him so and he agreed that he wouldn't have listened anyway.

Now, she was clearly a bitch for doing this to my mate. To give you an idea of how self-serving she was, the new bloke had a fair sized nest-egg. He was, as sad as it sounds, still living with his mum. The upshot of this is that he had little overheads and apart from going halves on the household bills, he had quite a shedload of cash accumulating in the bank.

Then he met my mate's wife, and then moved in with her, who then promptly mined away at all his savings and now he has hardly any spare cash at all every month. He was due to retire about 3 months ago on his savings, but can't now and as such has to work another 16 years until mandatory retirement age, after which he'll most likely need to get a job at B&Q or somewhere similar.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 13:52, 1 reply)

Grab your coat, love ...
I've got a knife.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 13:36, 7 replies)

I used to love her
But I had to kill her
(McChinaman banned, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 12:49, 9 replies)

A bit of an unusual crappy relationship
Me and you, we used to have a great relationship. You used to provide me with months of entertainment, frustration, satisfaction and enjoyment. But then you changed, for the worse. You started getting sloppy, and not caring. About 8 years ago, you really didn't care about your appearance, and what was on the inside was slowly changing too. You had small flaws slowly entering into view, and you didn't care about them, you were happy with them.

Me and my friends, we saw these, we didn't like them, and we tried to tell you but you didn't listen. And then, 4 years ago, you abandoned all pretense that you had anything good left in you, and abandoned me and my friends for a new crowd, a crowd of whores and pimps and those with more money than sense. You whored yourself out for them, taking anything they gave you and using it, all the while, leaving me and my friends out in the cold, ignoring all the good times we'd had together. Things degenerated from there, you became known as a joke, a laughing stock, capable of taking and using any old shit without a care in the world, just to please your new friends. Your new audience, as it were.

I would say it started to change about a month ago, when you announced that you were going back to an old favourite, and I was cautiously optimistic. Maybe this could be the big break for us, the thing that got me liking you again, but now, now I've just read something horrific about your re-imagining of the old favourite.

"We were fortunate enough to work closely with Nintendo to make the game accessible even to ‘first time’ shooter players by providing different control schemes for the Wii Remote and Nunchuk. Some of the control schemes use auto-aim (like the original N64 game did) and there’s one where you don’t even have to point at the screen with the Wii Remote... We have four different difficulty settings; three of them use regenerative health and one of them does not"

Why Nintendo, why?! There wasn't an auto-aim in the original Goldeneye, there wasn't regenerative health, you're just taking a shit all over my fond memories of that game with this rerelease. We used to love you before you abandoned all pretense of being a good gaming company and just outright went for cash, using fucktons of shovelware as a licence to print money. And yet... I still play on your old consoles. I still remember the good old days of Mario Kart, of Goldeneye and Perfect Dark, of accusing friends of looking at my screen, and I look at the Wii and I think - that's shit.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 12:48, 11 replies)

My friend told me the moment he knew that the magic was gone from his marriage..
..was when he started wanking over his missus’ hair in the night.. while she was sleeping... for laughs.

They’re divorced now but she never figured it out.
(catbrain likes the hairy scratchings bestest, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 12:34, 4 replies)

I have now been single for about 3,400 days
And celibate for about 540.

Please therefore excuse my non-participation in this QOTW.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 11:55, 4 replies)

I met a girl in my hometown, shortly after I had moved away to another country
We had known who each other was for a long time but didn't 'know' each other well if you get my meaning. Anyway, one Christmas I got talking to her and found we had a lot in common, she had a small town mentality but was extremely intelligent and wanted to go places.

However her waster ex-boyfriend and father of her child wasn't going to let her. Once he realised she was seeing someone else he started seeding the doubts. Pressuring her into thinking she was a bad mother for devoting some of her time to someone else, that a long distance relationship was not fair on her or her child. The best one was that enrolling in college part time was unfair to her son. Anyway, 3 months later and she called it off.

She has started seeing a decent bloke last year and surprise surprise her ex started the same shit. Thankfully she has wised up and he is largely ignored now and she is doing well and seems really happy :)
( Bamboo Steamer, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 10:39, Reply)

He's pulled!
I live between two pubs: one's about 30m that way, and the other's about 50m in the other direction. At the weekend, there's a fair amount of to-ing and fro-ing between them, and occasionally a bit of shouting.

At about 10 pm this Saturday, I was in the front room when I heard some female shouting, quickly followed by some male shouting. I thought little of it, but it was getting closer, and so I looked up from my book just in case there was anything to see. Just as I did so, the male shouter came past the window. I couldn't quite tell, but the male shouter either had the female in a headlock, or was dragging her by the hair, or some combination of the two. He was shouting some variant on a theme of "You're coming fucking home, you bitch!" and she was shouting - well, "pleading loudly" might be more like it - someting along the lines of "Let me go! PLEASE let me go! You're hurting me!"

Had the magic gone out of that relationship? I doubt it - I'm willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that she's still with him today, which must be an indication of some sort of magic spell.

Ah. Young love.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 10:38, 10 replies)

After reading these I'd just like to know
What is it with *women that makes then feel like they have carte blanche to act like a nutter once you've put your winkey in them?

And why do you "blokes" put up with it?

Reading these is great - I'm very happy with my girl - just the right level of nutter.

*and Men once they've put it in (added for balance).
(waxdart hello., Mon 25 Oct 2010, 10:12, 2 replies)

Don't believe the ones with the good reputations, kids
I had a twelve-year relationship with a bloke who didn't live up to his reputation.

I'd known this fella for most of my life. My dear old nan thought he was lovely, my parents admired him, relatives thought he was ace and most people who knew him thought he was pretty all-right. It started innocently enough; heard about him and thought he was worth chasing. An older Middle-Eastern man, he was quite smooth and convincing, if more by reputation than by personal experience.

I settled into a relationship where I shared everything with him, thought of him when I woke up, spent time talking with him throughout the day, learnt what I could about his views, talked to others about him. Yeah, you could say I was kind-of obsessed. I gave him time, I gave him money and I tried anything to please him.

As the years went by, things cooled. Lots of others chased him and I felt like he didn't give a shit. His friends gave me a hard time and I got to the point where I felt that nothing I did made a difference and I couldn't do anything right. My efforts were ignored and it was like I didn't exist.

I eventually left, and his friends tried to make me feel like shit and convince me to stick around. Leaving him lifted a burden of guilt and depression from my shoulders.

I met a lovely lady and realised where I was meant to be. We're now married and my previous relationship is now an example of what not to do.

As for him, he'll be fine. He has plenty of people vying for his time and attention and I don't need to try anymore.

That Jesus fella isn't what he's cracked up to be.

*edit* I realised that I haven't really pointed out one thing he did, but it's the best bad relationship story I can think of...
(magentacock is spunking like it's nineteen ninety-nine..., Mon 25 Oct 2010, 6:08, 3 replies)

I have a crappy relationship with my gym...
...every month they take my money, and I lie in bed wishing i had the motivation to get up and go and use the facilities I'm paying for.

:-(
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 3:31, Reply)