The shame.
I was a sophmore in highschool (15 years old) and thought I'ld be real clever and write down all the formulas for the upcoming math test on my palm. Worked great until the teacher saw me somehow about 15 minutes into the period. She told me to wash it off and once I had completly removed it I could start my test again, but it was still due at the end of the period even if I didn't finish. I went to a pretty crummy high school and the only place you could find soap would be in the nurses offices bathroom. I remember the spanish teacher was a push over so I ran to his room to get a nurses pass. Got the pass and ran to the nurse told her I had a stomache and needed to use the restroom. Went to the nurse's restroom and scrubbed off all the formulas. I then ran back to the class sat down and tried to finish the test. I dont remember how I did on the test I do remember my friend slapping me on the back of the head and calling me a dumbass though. Apparently she had a poster of all the formulas on the wall. All the formulas I had written down on my hand were on the wall. If I had only looked on the wall I would've known not to try and cheat. Oh well.

I remember some kid in that same class tried writing down all the formulas that weren't on the poster. He wrote them on the inside of his calculator though. Pretty smooth till he forgot the calculator in the class at the end of the test. The next day when the teacher asked who it was he also said it was his. Doh!
(If your not a manc your a wank, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 6:33, Reply)

Caravan Strokes
When I was in my teens my mother had this mad idea that caravaning was fun.

I hated it because (a) my father snored like a chainsaw and (b) it gave little opportunity to practice for Onan's-Olympics which I did daily at the time.

However one hot day everyone went out and I was left alone. I had started to have a Sherman in the foul-smelling tiny cubicle optimistically called a toilet but was driven out by the fumes. So I thought that as there was no-one about I'd get down to it on one of the comfortable beds.

I'm just getting to the vinegar strokes when I look up and see one of my parents' friends (and old biddy) is standing at the door and watching me through the window. Before I can re-arrange my clothing she's gone but I could never look her in the face directly afterwards.

I also learnt that the showers of the campsite gave more privacy after that and never, ever to go camping again!
(Pewit does things down under, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 4:48, Reply)

Airport Pollocks
I was in Brusseles on a business trip and had met up with a guy for a very drunken debauched evening. Next morning, feling like death, I had to rush to get to the airport to fly back to London.
I slept in the taxi, checked in and made it to the gate but as I was walking down the ramp to the plane a wave of nausea overtook me.

With my hand over my mouth preventing projectile vomit, I spotted the door which leads to steps to the tarmac. I tried to open it but it was locked so I threw up all over the door handle in an attractive Jackson Pollock stylee and calmly boarded the plane and cleaned up in the lav. I had to miss my meeting in London and spent 3 hours at the airport recovering.

I am ashamed but it serves those airport tossers right for making you wait while they have a fag instead of attaching the ramp.
(Pewit does things down under, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 4:09, Reply)

Princess Di
During the middle of a full school 2 minute silence in memory of the late Princess Diana, I purposely let off the loudest, most disgraceful sounding fart i could summon. Resulting in around 1 and a half minutes of half the hall in silence, and the other half in that painful "i've got the laughter under control.... wait the bastard beside me has started laughing again.." type laughter. 4 of us were identified as potential culprits. I glad to say the four of us denied all knowledge of the incident and survived the interrogation given by the headmistress. Then laughed it up as soon as we were outside the door.

Hmm, i suppose that isnt really shame at all.
Fucking funny though
(Nyphur, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 2:46, Reply)

marked for girlie boy
When I was about sixteen I liked wearing stretchy black dress socks, but when I took them off my legs itched fiercely.

On a whim I tried shaving my calves (I am male) to see if that would change anything. A few days later, with the entire family gathered around the pool, my hyper-observant kid sister loudly asked why I shave my legs.

I don't! I insisted, fumbling for a better response.

This was right around the time I snapped my sister-in-law's brassier tie using it as a sling then left it on her table without comment.

I really ought to bring this up and see how many of my relatives secretly wonder.
( scartoonist, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 1:31, Reply)

once upon a time ...
... in a country far away there was an education system with 'highers' that youths did when they were only 16 or 17 ... but we achieved them, mightily, then went drinking 'over the town' ... and much was had ... and yea one was so young that when a lady of indeterminate repute said - in market street - have you got the time? you said, no, sorry, i'm pissed and have no watch ... anyway ... that's a digression ... but the problem with being 16, wearing jeans, cowboy boots, and a natty blue tweed sports jacket from M&S is that when your body says: 'thy shall dump,' then thy shall ... in a lane off menzies road ... and it's quiet and all is good until in a drunken 16 yr old state, with jeans at ankles and in mid poo, between two cars, you become dimly aware of a woman's feet walking testily down the lane, appalled by the minkered school pupil having a shite in her purlieu ...

madam, nearly 3 decades later, i apologise ...

... i am

*ashamed*
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 0:34, Reply)

Oooh I wish I hadn't thought of this.
When I was 15-16 my friends dad used to organise dinner/classical music concerts.

His son and I were charged with videoing the concert but decided that classical music sounds much better when stoned out of your mind so we decided to indulge.

All the audio from the concert was going straight into the audio input of the camera, but in my state I had left the camera mic on as well.

Cue to the next morning sat round his folks house, when in the middle of a quiet interlude in a piano piece there comes on the tape, my unmistakable voice saying.

"Christ, Paul I really want to fuck your sister hard"

I ran, I ran as fast as my legs would carry me

Girth, lenght etc.
(Akuru, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 0:19, Reply)

Good Old Ultraviolence
For art class one of my classmates whipped up a short, silent film of various uncomfortable images and explosions that he'd found online, the highlight of which was a guy actually getting his throat sliced open. Very heavy stuff, but was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud, as "Ode to Joy" was playing very loudly in my head and I tactlessly mentioned so during his critique. Fortunately I wasn't the only person thinking the same thing, but still: I was trying not to laugh as a real person got his neck sliced open!

*is ashamed for bloodthirstyness*
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 0:13, Reply)

Funeral Evasion
A few years ago, my Great Uncle died. I was very sad as I had liked him a great deal and he was my (deceased) grandmother's last surviving sibling.

Did I go to the funeral to celebrate his life and grieve with his relatives?

No. I went to the Big Smoke to visit a girl in order to have sex.
(TheKidsOffTheShining, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 0:04, Reply)

bumpy bus
I'd been for a night out in Manchester. Awoke on a friend's sofa with a truly horrible hangover and knowing that I had to get back home. But there were no trains.

Had to get a rail-replacement bus instead, so managed to get a pint of milk and a small amount of fries down my gullet. I thought it would stop the stomach churning. It didn't.

I managed to keep it down for a full hour, m'lud, but on the last 30 seconds of the journey, as we pulled into train station carpark, we hit a bump and it came up. My hands were covering my mouth, and only a bit came out. And then it happened again and the sick ended up on my face, hands, clothes and the seat in front of me. I got up and tried to run off the bus. I was sick again. Got off the bus and to the corner of road. I then threw up again, to the visible horror of woman-with-baby and so I decided to run for the Underground, vomitting all the way. It was like I was being chased by it. It was 9am and I smelt and looked like an alcoholic.
(TheKidsOffTheShining, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 23:48, Reply)

stain shame
One of my housemates at university was a tip top windsurfer, not quite good enough to get into magazines but he regularly 'surfed with those who were.

aaaaanyway, one day in the depths of winter there was a gale blowing so him, my gf and I all get into his car and drive down to Watergate Bay in Newquay.

I took a bodyboard and wetsuit with me and the plan was that I would paddle out with our water proof camera and he would try and do some jumps near me. Sounds simple but in all the times we tried it the best we managed was an 'arty' tiny silhouette of him in the air about 1/2 mile away.

When we arrived it was quite clear that the only thing I could achieve by trying to paddle out was drowning, so he rigged up and sailed out whist me and the gf went for a walk along the beach.

Now, there is only so much walking along the beach you can do in the middle of a winter gale and after 20 min the gf was complaining that she was getting cold (inevitable).

So to get out of the wind we went and sat under a slight overhang in the cliffs – I know, not the safest thing to do but against the continual whinging even a minor rock fall would have been welcome to dull the pain.

With no sight to the cold complaints, and being the gentleman that I am, I decided to help her warm up. One thing led to another and as the beach was deserted (winter, gale etc) we were soon err christening the beach.

Due to the fact that A – it was cold, and B – we were on a public beach, we had left all our clothes on and she had just shoved down her jeans and pulled up her coat to provide access.

Except it wasn’t her coat, but my flatmate’s, the windsurfer.

And whilst it wasn’t the first time I had been awarded my red wings, it was my first, and only, red-wings beach posting.

So Ben, if you are reading this, i am honestly very sorry* for the dark red/brown stain that you carried around on the bottom of your coat for the next two years at uni.

* Truly, it took me several years to get over the shame of this. Still, I have a certain amount of pride looking back at it now.
(Digstar fu#king loves biscuits, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 23:33, Reply)

Cringe cringe cringe.
She lived at the bottom of my road. I fancied her. I was thirteen, I think she was a bit older. There was a party on a Saturday. I invited her on the Friday. Rather than just asking, I contrived to get my mate to post a letter through her door whilst doing his paper round. A sad, pathetic, pleading letter in the spideriest thirteen year old's hand imaginable; it's a miracle she could read it.

By about six o'clock on the Friday evening, I was in surgery having my appendix out, it having erupted on the way to school. On Sunday, she came to visit me in hospital. I was mortified; I hadn't been able bring myself to ask her out face-to-face, and yet here she was at my bedside, my stinking hospital bedside, with me in my pyjamas, reading comics, and generally being otherwise unfanciable.

This was twenty years ago, but I still feel my face glow when I think about it.

Looking back, I should probably feel more shame for not making the most of the vulnerability thing, but hey I'm a nice guy.
(acute_angina, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 23:15, Reply)

I once
poured domestos on our local vicar.

I was arrested for bleach of the priest.
(mittymutu, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 22:37, Reply)

my eternal shame
I am a total twunt when it comes to the "inadvertant stupid comment" and usually I had no idea that X had happened to Y.

I was a juror at a high court murder trial. The accused was a poor woman, truely "simple", who had been abused by a junky/dealer B/F who was stealing her ill eldely parents Jellies [DF118s] and selling them, When she refused to go to the Docs to get more, they argued, struggled, he hit her and burned her several times with a fag, and in the ensuing fight, she ended up stabbing him once, clean through the heart. Dead. The Scene of Crime & Autopsy photos were gross

A female colleague asked what the process for the selection of jurors was in Scotland and I pointd out that the first two men who were picked were turned down by each QC. She asked why.

"oh the defense council probably wanted the symapthy vote on the jury hoping to have more women in the mix."

"Why?"

"Well, imagine you had been attacked and seriously injured, by some evil psycho and left for dead, you'd want a bit of sisterly backing on the jury"

She went really pale and stormed off with out sayng a word. I later discovered that was exactly what had happened to her 2 years previously and, without word of a lie, I had had no idea. No amount of protesting to the rest of the team would convince them I had had just plucked that from thin air.

She thought I was taking the piss, and even when we both became managers in the business we were in, never spoke to me again.

I still cringe at the thought, 13 years later.

*pales at thought and feels horrid, dirty shame*
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 22:17, Reply)

I really can't believe I did this.
My Chemistry teacher came back after a three-month absence with a shaved head. Needless to say, she had been given treatment for a brain tumor. I thought I was being hilarious when I said "Were you getting a haircut that whole time?"

Soon after she was dead. Strangely enough that did not make me feel any better.

Also, my unfortunate cousin tells a great story of how he spat in the most popular (amazingly good-looking) girl in his class's face. It was the last day of school, he was walking down the hall, she approached (alone) from the other direction. He opened his mouth to say something witty. Instead, a huge amount of saliva, mucus, and who knows what else hit her in the nose. There was an incredibly awkward pause. Then she said "EEEEEEEWWWW" as she attempted to wipe the gunk off her face.
(I'm Owen McLove, I could have you killed., Mon 28 Nov 2005, 22:17, Reply)

pubes
also once cut off all my pubes (i was young and experimenting!) and cunningly hid them in a plastic tub that i threw in the bin in my bedroom.

next week i noticed same tub in my parent's room. mum had obviously fished it out when she emptied my bin thinking what a useful plastic tub it would be...
(si-mong, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 21:51, Reply)

My most embarrasing moment involving a wet toilet paper 'tail'
I once went to the loo at the office (only a pee thank god), and wandered back along the corridoor with a long strip of toilet paper hanging out of the back of my trousers like a tail. Yes, the very same toilet paper that had used to wipe myself - visibly damp and yellow in parts.

As I stopped to key in my code at the security door, there was a quiet "ahem, miss" from behind me. As I turned around a very red faced bloke was speechlessly pointing to my arse.

Realising to my horror what the problem was, I lightheartedly scooped up the offending wet toilet paper, scrunched it up into a ball and put it into my pocket, breezily saying "oh thanks", as if this happened to me every day.

I never saw him again. I think I actually blocked his face from my memory permanently to avoid later embarrassment.

The only saving grace was that I hadn't just taken a big dump.
(Peelmytangerines, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 21:50, Reply)

weeeeeeeeeeee
i once weed myself. at trampolining club. aged 11.
(si-mong, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 21:48, Reply)

dancin in the street
Well i used to try everything to embarrass my mum. I decided while we wer waiting for my sister to come out of a shop to dance infront of the security camera. As planned my mum went bright red and dragged me away. I was ten at the time. Now i'm 15 and my older cousin works in the shop. Apparently they still have the tape of me dancing like a retarded monkey.
(torture bunny lives under the kitchen sink, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 20:32, Reply)

Fell off the stage during a band concert at age 10.
I was on the end of a row, as I played the baritone saxophone (a monstrosity). We kept shuffling down to fit one more person on; I shuffled too far. There was a terrifying moment of uncertainty.

then I, my chair, and my saxophone fell a stunning 6 feet onto the hard hard ground. For a fraction of a second I thought I was okay. Then the saxophone hit me in the meat-and-two-veg. It hurt like hell and probably worse. An authority figure of some sort arrived. Immediately he took a picture. The shame was unbelievable.
(I'm Owen McLove, I could have you killed., Mon 28 Nov 2005, 20:29, Reply)

19th bus barf.
I think the real shame from this sad tale is the fact I'm sure people still recognise me from it.

About 2 months ago, it was my 19th bday and being a student, it was celebrated with drink. Lots of drink.

It started slowly enough, 10 shots of side kick before I left the flat, then more at the on site bar before getting the bus to Visage, a rather nice club with cheap drinks. There lies the problem. People were getting me drinks, and I would also buy my self one and pour both of them into my mough at the same time. Getting me totaly monged.

I almost got into a fight with some guy that was hostibng the wet t shirt contest because I got on the stage after it was finnished and danced. A few more drinks later i got to the stage were i could no longer seem to move my legs, so we decide to get the 2am bus home. My flat mate carefully hides me in the seat behind the stairs and asks if Im going to puke. I assured him I wasn't and I kept my word. For 30 seconds. I puked up such a storm that the rugby team were cheering and many people around me were laughing. The laws of physics soon changed there laughs to screams as the bus went up hill sending a tsunami of VK cherry, sidekick and 99p pizza right down the bus.

I still hear the screams at night.

*POP*
(Mong goose, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 20:27, Reply)

german accent
This weekend i took a train from Utrecht to Amsterdam. It was a international train, it came from Germany and the conductor spoke Dutch with the most rediculous german accent.
It was so insanely rediculous that i was convinced that he was taking the piss. So i made a silly anti-germen joke. He did not seem to find it funny - which i thought was strange since he had started the 'german' thing.

Anyway, a few minutes later he was announcing the stops to come, and he was doing this in the rediculus accent again. Only this time my brain engaged and i recognised it. It was a Swiss-German* accent.
I felt like a total asshole....


*The Swiss have some of the weirdest pronounciations known to mankind
(bovine intervention, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 20:17, Reply)

This still makes me feel bad
I was in Summer School between 8th and 9th grade. It was really rather a silly summer school, as there was only one class and we did very little. There were about 10 people in the class, only three of them were girls.

Well, we spent most of the time in this class doing ANYTHING besides work so we would all get in trouble for one thing or another all of the time. One day our teacher was asking everyone in class if they were being bitten by the mosquitos who seemed to be out in force that summer. I, being only 13 and rather rude to begin with, raised my hand and said "Yeah, Michelle has, twice..." Referring, of course, to Michelle's small size.
( Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 18:51, Reply)

christmas
i've done a few (bullshit) stupid things in my time and most i'd don't want to repeast....

okay around last christmas i believe me and my boys whent out...
to trash decorations...
okay not to proud... but come on it is a little bit funny...

Shut up!
(EvilHippie, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 18:33, Reply)

I know I should but I don't
Probably because I'm a horrible person and I should be ashamed but I'm not.

Having been stitched up for a considerable amount of money from two family members I sent one a load of hyperlinks to dodgy websites from an internet cafe (not traceble see). I then reported him to the police who raided him and ran a check. Cnuts on the sex offenders register now.

Second one I reported as overhearing him planning to do an insurance job on his car (untrue). It got torched 2 nights later and when he reported it got arrested for fraud and the insurance never paid out.

These are things I have done when sober. I've done lots of daft things drunk as I have a wonderful imagination and a lust for misbehaving.

Perhaps I should start a revenge company?
(ElGatodeBarco, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 16:34, Reply)

Two things....
One time my Best mate came 200 miles to hang out with me for the weekend - I left him at home with my parents for the evening so I could go and be with my ex gf...thanks mike..sorry mike....

At a work leaving do I :
Threw carrots at a colleague, till she cried and then accused our manager of doing it, she went home.
My manager gor threatened with a disciplinary from his manager, so he left.
I then snogged the fattest pig woman in the place...with tongues and breasty grabbing.
The next day I had to apologise to manager, send a apologies card to colleague (WHO TO THIS DAY MOANS ABOUT WHAT I DID)..the fat pig woman ignores me...
(Rockster77, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 16:20, Reply)

Hob-Knobbing
I used to work for an advertising agency, the boss of which was a cnut* - but that's another story.

The company had it's own hospitality box at a rather large and famous rugby club, as my collegue and I were enjoying the copious amounts of free booze the bosses wife comes up to me and asks how I was getting home (I lived 70 odd miles away and couldn't drive and was very drunk) to which I answered:

"I'll probably just go outside, collapse and then wait till I wet myself and then follow the stinking stream of piss home."

Blank faces and open mouths met my gaze as it suddenly dawn on me what I'd just said.

To this day I still feel ashamed of this** because in all honesty she was a nice lady and didn't deserve such a barrage.

* Allegedly
** May not be true.
(cherry B, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 16:13, Reply)

How to win friends
Once on a very heavy night on the piss, the pub/club I was at was closing up. Now the taxis in my home town can be a killer to get at this witching hour, so I know I need a plan of escape.
Thats when I saw my saviour. A young lady that I happened to go to school with - and bonus she was a tee totaller at the time.

So I follow her out with as much stealth as I can muster. As she enters he vehicle I accost her and demand a lift home. Even tho she would be going home a totally different way.

She says "No" quite bluntly. So I decide to piss on her car in protest.

Needless to say - i didnt get the lift.
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 15:21, Reply)