A story to be continued...
Someone has left the biggest floater I have ever seen in the toilet in my flat. It's massive. Literally about 6 inches long and over an inch across.And it won't go down. And it's next to my bedroom.
( Mullet Over, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:09, Reply)

My uncle lives in Germany...
and consequently has a german toilet. These are the worst toilets in the world apart from the gents toilets in milan train station, thats another story. I digress, German toilets are designed so there is a dry shelf that you shit/piss onto and the hole is at the front. Don't ask me why they have the shelf, unless its some form of teutonic system for inspecting shits (mein gott! dreizig centimeter!).

When visiting my unlce once and only having muesli for breakfast, things got interesting. Feeling movement, i sauntered to the toilet and did what can only be discribed as the biggest shit of my life. This thing was a foot long and was staring back at me from the shelf whilst non too discretely stinking the room out. After several attempts to flush the behemoth using the pitiful flush thats used on german toilets, i resorted to wrapping my hand in toilet paper and coaxing the bastard off the shelf. not pleasant, but still felt proud at laying a good size cable.
(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:08, Reply)

Poo Poo its good for your heart.
A housemate I had at Uni who I never want to see again, got the address of one of his mates mates. For a laugh he thought he would send him a shit in a bag and promptly shat out this almighty turd that was about a good foot long!! He happily displayed in to the rest of the house and encouraged us to feel its rigidity! We did not of course but watched him stick it in a jiffy bag and post to his friends unsuspecting pal..

Three weeks went buy and he then received a pigs head in a shoe box as a return gift!
(maddave, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:04, Reply)

my friends baby son..
was just learning to walk, it was a hot summer day so he was waddling around in just his nappy. At some point he crapped him self, then, after a misplaced step, he fell backwards landing in the sitting position, the force of the landing caused a jet of shit to shoot out of the nappy up his back, and into the air, landing about his neck and shoulders
( Happyperson, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:03, Reply)

yet more shit stories
Being a very young lad many moons ago, We all went to tenby to a caravan site (AAGH). There was a pool there, Me being an absolute nork stayed in the water from 3pm to roughly 8pm, not coming out at all just swimming. After i finally got out and lost my shrivelled prune status, I washed, got ready for goin out with the parents, had grub etc, etc, went to bed. Morning after I was shouting at the floor, blowing chunks, talking to god through the big white telephone, grating carrots or throwin up. Caught a chill damn......
Then came the diahorria (cant spell) and lots of it, banned from using the caravan toilet i made my way down to the lavvys at the campsite, 20 in all, me consiquently filling 15 of them up without flushing! I heard a bloke come into the toilet block and making a swift exit and him blowing chunks cos of the smell. Hehehe!
(explosive_monkey, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:00, Reply)

Whilst in the Himalayas...

...(which is always a good start to a story), and somewhere around 4200+ metres above sea-level, the toilet facilities are not exactly pristine.

One place we went to had an outside loo, built out of corrugated iron. The floor was wooden, and the actual toilet was a hole in the floor.

Whoever had been in earlier that day had obviously eaten something that disagreed with him, and had proceeded to shit it out all over the floor - in fact, everywhere except down the hole provided for the purpose.

It's quite cold up there, you know, and the memory of trying to squat over a hole while not slipping and falling over on frozen diarrhoea will stay with me for a long, long time.
(Steve The Monkey, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:00, Reply)

A funny story I heard as a child many times
From my nanny (the same one that put soap u know where) She often told us this cause shes a funny woman even as a child...Yes its poo related...

When she was very little at school she was desperate to have a crap and even puting her hand up to lave didt help as her teacher wasnt haveing anything of it. So as she sat working on a painting or something she had a pooh (thankfully nothing too messy) proped on the side of her chair and carried on working when a boy in her class with a bit of a lisp kept repeating
"Doween Tutt dun poowiee! Doween Tutt dun poowiee!"

I know another similar story of her wee related when she was still a kid. To cut it short she was desparate when waiting outside a friands house to answer the door so she did it where she stand with her firends new dog sitting next to her. Never saw the dog again.

I love my nan, it was her 76th (i think)birthday yesterday
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:58, Reply)

Sugar paper
One time when I was in either first or middle school, I can't remember which, I remember being told that the paper they used as backing for all the notice boards where they used to pin all our shit projects and poorly draw artwork was called 'sugar paper'

I'm sure you all had the same paper at your school, its a standard of all schools along with bullies and dinner ladies. Anyway I decided, in my small child's brain, that if it was sugar paper it ought to taste quite nice and sweet. I tore a big corner of one of the notice boards when no one was looking and pocketted it to eat later and try out my theory.

I remember the paper was black and didn't taste sweet at all and moreover it turned my shit green for two days.
( Lazlo Woodbine Panowie!, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:58, Reply)

I went red
During the recent summer here in Sydney I had been enjoying lots of interesting salads. After a bit of a boozy night with mates I got home, had a poo and - (un)HOLY CRAP!! Thought I had bum cancer or something... Went to bed whimpering with fear before sobering up a bit and realising that my intake of beetroot had been rather high of late... bright red. Yelp.
( Strangey is present at, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:55, Reply)

and another...
i've got this mate who has a filthy mind which occaisonally breaks through into reality.

One night on his walk home drunk, he's dying to drop the kids off at the pool. He's getting more and more desperate until he's only about 150 yards from his house and he can't wait any longer. Now there's this fancy designer menswear shop nearby, and as it's in the wee hours (no-one's about) he squats on their step and marks his territory (dunno if it was a class-war decision or just hi-jinks).

He then proceeds to wipe his arse on his pants, which he then posts through the shop's letterbox to be found when they openmed the following Monday.

I mean, I ask you...?

Mind you, his brother once climbed on a pub roof to shit on it...
( no_funny_name heart of gold, nerves of steel, knob of butter, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:54, Reply)

I haver never performed any faeculent improprieties.

(It doesn't always sting when you piSSSS., Thu 6 May 2004, 13:53, Reply)

this guy at work
Jonny his name is, has at least 4 shits in 10 hours, each one lasting about 15-20 minutes. I wouldn't want to eat where he eats

Another bloke I work with was having his house re-plumbed. The plumber decided to go for lunch without fitting the new toilet first. Unfortunately,
gary suffers from IBS, and had to do it in a bucket. He would pick behind the fridge in the kitchen as the place to do it, wouldn't he?
( SarahRatt, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:51, Reply)

Poor Aim
I hate using public toilets for a dump and public to me is anywhere bar my own toilet. I especially hate pooing in work, but when you have to go you have to go.

Like a bird I hate sitting on a public seat, so I did the old hover special that women seem to have perfected. When i was taking a crafty dump in my new job. Don't ask me how i missed, but to my horror I saw a massive turd on the floor!!

The worst part is that i couldn't leave it so i had to pick up the soft lump of shit with tissue and dump it in. Needless to say the place stunk and i had to wipe shit stains off the floor.
(manny fagnet, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:50, Reply)

A Terrible Story
During my heady student days, I had the pleasure of stacking shelves on the late shift for a large supermarket chain.

Various members of the dairy produce aisle team, with whom I worked, would often help themselves to chocolate bars or bags of crisps. The thief would hide the stolen items in an empty box and each member of the team would help themselves to their share of the loot.

One evening I handed one of my colleagues 2 chunks of ex-lax(laxative chocolate), and walked away. He eat both of them. At the end of the shift I handed him the remaining 10 chunks and joked "Here is the rest of the chocolate bar" and walked away.

At this point it should be noted that each chunk has the word ex-lax written on it and as someone had been tricked the week before, I thought he would have got the joke, realised what happened and called me a cunt.

However... he ate the rest of the bar. All 12 chunks in fact! After checking the recommended dosage and discovering that 1 chunk a day should suffice, I decided to come clean and explain what had just happened. He was not exactly happy for obvious reasons and so we decided the best solution was for him to throw up, we tried the fingers down the throat which didn't work, and a few other things, before coming up with the idea of taking him back to our house where we could get him really stoned with bong hits. He had never smoked dope before so thought it wouldn't take much to get him vomiting. Hit after hit he took, until finally he did throw up, unfortunately we were too late, he begun chundering at exactly the same time as the laxative kicked in.

So now, I have one of my work colleagues stoned for the first time ever, puking up in to the washbasin, while sat on the toilet shitting as if it's going out of fashion and I am unable to do anything to help this poor victim of some stupid prank that had now gone horribly wrong.

The outcome was that he spent the next 4 days on and off the toilet and he never spoke to me again.
( @man move along, nothing to see here on, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:49, Reply)

A classic...
If you dont mind the whole "You might go blind" aspect to it.

Short and sweet, a mate of mine did the old rock star classic of shitting into a hairdryer at a travel lodge, effectively turning it into a faeces laden air rifle.

Needless to say when im staying somewhere else i towel dry my hair, lest i end up with a faceful of someone else's sweetcorn sausage.
(Rushy, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:47, Reply)

Shit Stories?
I work as a fitter for GE aircraft engines, tinkering with passenger jets. Upon testing an engine for a 777 in for its usual service, and engine test, where we normally fire frozen chickens into the engine (not a word of a lie) to test the strength of the blades of the turbine. I desperatly needing a shit during of the tests, after being beckoned on by a few of the lads, decided to shit into a bucket and sling it at the engine, ever seen shit at over 900,000 RPM? neither have I until then! talk about shit hitting the fan (groan) The downside is, the testing beds smelt like a shitmonkey treatment plant after and just about still does! mmm lovely, chokky gataux anyone?
(explosive_monkey, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:45, Reply)

I shit myself in a department store once...
It's true.

I once ate a prawn sub that had been festering on a warm desk at work all day. I had mega cramps and felt really, really ill, and when I left work, I needed to crap NOW. Fortunately, my office was near the town centre, so I nipped into House of Fraser to use their loo. I was stopped by my friend who works for Lancôme, to say hello, and I couldn't exactly say "can I go now before I shit myself" I made it up the escalator, to the toilet, and sat down. Did nothing but fart. Thanks very much.

I came out again, thanking my lucky stars I just had gas. Got near the stairs down, and a wave of cramps rippled my gut like a tsunami. I needed to go NOW again. I made it back to the toilet, and I went. And I mean, I WENT. I sat on the crapper for ages. I felt horrible. I was sitting there wondering whether it was worth trying to get home, when a couple of women came in. I stayed put, especially when one of them said, "EEEE, doesn't it smell nasty in 'ere? Have they never heard of air freshener?".

I got cleaned up after I was sure they'd left, and I went outside and phoned Mr Dominocat and asked him if he would come and pick me up in the car, because I thought I might not make it home on the bus... He said okay, and told me to wait outside the main entrance, and he would be there in 10 mins. Too long! I needed to go NOW again. I went back towards the escalators, and felt something go. I went then. And boy, did I stink. I had shit dribbling down my legs, and I felt awful. I made it to the toilet, and tried to clean myself up a bit. I sat there giving birth to something between niagara falls and a chocolate machine, when my mobile rings. Hubby says "where are you - I'm outside and parked on a yellow line" I say "I'm on the crapper" and there are chuckles from the other stalls. With tremendous rectal willpower, I made it to the car, and we go home. I have diarrhoea for about 3 days solid. Except it wasn't solid at all...
(dominocat opinions only valid until, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:43, Reply)

more poo related high jinks
In a restaurant in Crete, they were distinctly third world and only had a squat bog (like those french ones) trouble was that there was barely enough room to squat down and me with my beer/bowel problems had to try shit standing up and extremely pissed. Needless to say the explosion of liquid turd covered most of the back wall of the undersized cubicle and to make matters worse the "flush" was little more than a trickle. I just left it all there and did a runner before the owners could catch me.

Also in Greece, a friend of mine was busting for a crap and had to run into a bog on the beach. As you may be aware, all Greek plumbing is rubbish and as such you cannot put anything like bogroll down the shitter as there is a fairly good chance that you will cause a blockage, so they usually provide you with a small bin to dispose of your waste paper. My friend, being in quite a hurry, opened the bumbay doors before checking whether or not there was any toilet paper. He was dismayed to find that there was none and his only recourse was to gingerly fish around in the waste paper bin to find some slightly less used R-Swipes to use. priceless.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:42, Reply)

wellll......
this is one of those friend-of-a-friend things but:

This lad was dating this girl & after a night out brought her back to his house (his folks being away). So they started getting busy on the sofa and as the heat rose, he suggested they might like to try the 'other hole'. Moments later, he was earning his brown wings when he popped out. On removal of his todger from said orrifice, her bowels decided to evacuate, widely and in quantity.

He ended up escorting her home and then spent the rest of the night trying to clean the family 3 piece suite, carpet etc - but to little overall success.

In the morning, his parents returned home to find their living room soiled. Our lad explained that it was the (aging) family dog who had made the mess overnight.

Anyways, the next day the lad returns from a trip out to see his folks standing in porch, when they then explain to him that the family dog had had to be put down (now that he can't control himself etc).

Straight to hell for that one...
( no_funny_name heart of gold, nerves of steel, knob of butter, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:41, Reply)

Airborne turds.. Not me, but at a wedding reception
The gentleman in question was upstairs in the smallest room dropping his fudge. He managed to produce a floater that stubbornly resisted all attempts to send it on it's way to the nation's sewers. After half an hour or so of fruitless flushing, his desperation led to him searching for an alternate method of disposal - obviously not wanting to leave it in the bin, he opted to fling it out the window. On completing his toilette and venturing forth downstairs to join the assembled throng he was met with a deadly silence - the toilet in question was above the conservatory and the produce of his bowels was merrily sliding down the glass roof in full view of everyone in the room.

My personal highlight came at the age of about 10 in our kitchen, whereby I followed through in glorious fashion after forcing out a particulary awful fart with all my might. Knowing that I'd done some serious damage I shuffled upstairs to the toilet for some damage limitation. Not knowing what to do with my dirty kegs I lobbed them out the window (recurring theme here), where they became lodged in the house creeper above our back door. My dad had to get them down with a ladder and a bamboo cane. I thought I'd got away with it for a while as well :(

Apols for length of post!
(Watermelon, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:41, Reply)

Pets and string
Top tip: If your pet eats string and it starts to emerge from the business end DO NOT PULL IT OUT unless you want to garotte its innards. Mother Nature will push it out in time. If you want to help, just trim the emerging string carefully.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:39, Reply)

Chocks away...
While on a weekend of carnage in Las Vegas, me and a mate ended up stumbling around the top floor of the Tropicana Hotel and Casino where we decided it would be a good idea to take a dump and launch them some 40 floors off the side of the remarkably accessible balconies.

Since there was no sign of any Andrex, the most suitable thing for some wipage were single dollar bills. Eat that Washington!

We never spoke of it again.
(ChiefNik, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:37, Reply)

I wasn't actually there ...
... but I'm going to tell you anyway. My bloke and 4 other blokes went to South Africa for a few days' holiday. For reasons I can't reveal, they got into the Virgin first-class lounge although they weren't flying first-class.

Whilst waiting in the lounge they had a farting contest. One of the blokes (a copper in the Met) followed through in a quite spectacular fashion. So he went to the gents, removed his soiled pants, and, at a loss as to where to put them, stuffed them into the toilet roll dispenser, leaving an odorous surprise for the next (hopefully genuine) first-class passenger.
( Safetyfox, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:35, Reply)

oh dear oh dear...
I remember on one ocassion a kid (happened to my sister a few times) when I was round my grandparents in wales and i just could get the shitty bastard out so my nan had to shove soap up me bum...worked a treat!

Weird thing is, when i was about 8ish many years later when we were staying in wales again
and my sister being the bully she was/is, somehow forced me to eat a big chunk of soap causing me to blow bubbles all night (this is 100% true, with the ablout of water i drank to get rid of the taste, when they wernt poing in my mouth they came from my nose as i snored!)
and on the journy back in a service station when i farted and a soppy bullet flew out so fast it clattered in to toilet.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:34, Reply)

Magnum Mick
when I was 5 and I was playing football in the playground I was well engrossed and didn't even realise that i needed a dump. The next minute I had shit my pants and was doing a special shit pants crab run to the toilet. I started to cry and went to the teacher. She was very good and looked after me. In those days they had a drawer with loads of spare clothes and she gave me some spare pants. She gave me these quality magnum PI pants complete with a Ferrari, a helicopter and the man himself with his big tash on the front.

I ended up loving my magnum pants they looked so cool.

Well after telling that story to a few pals I am now known to some people as Magnum Mick. Bastards.
(manny fagnet, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:32, Reply)

A breath of fresh air?
I was doing the backpacking thing around India when a young 'un, when I happened to catch a severe stomach bug that had me laid up in bed for a while. I was staying in a delapidated old hotel at the time.

Due to a dodgy curry somewhere along the line, the only thing I could do for about 5 days was crawl to the toilet and shit poo juice into the bowl.

One day I started to feel a little better, and attempted a walk down the corridor outside my room. I was doing quite well until I got to the end and realised that I had about 5 seconds until my next unstoppable anal eruption.

I leapt into what appeared to be a cupboard, and - much to my shame - spattered all over the floor.

Feeling much better later that day, I managed to get as far as reception, only to be met with the sight of several perplexed engineers. They had been called to fix the air conditioning. For some reason something foul smelling had got into the system, and an evil smell had dispersed throughout the whole hotel.

Can I take this opportunity to extend my heartfelt apologies to the Jodhpur Inn.
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:29, Reply)

The first story my last GF's dad told me
...in an attempt to embarass his lovely daughter in front of her new bloke was how, when somewhat younger, she'd gone into the sea in Greece due to the lack of toilet facilities and had a big dump. She grinned, told me it was very liberating and utterly failed to be embarrased, having warned me earlier this story was coming.

She also finds it very funny to watch the facial expressions of animals - especially her cats - as they release bum-slugs.

Oh, and one night she got food poisoning and simultaneously released liquid bum-sausage into her loo and vomit into her sink - without spilling a drop. That found her some renewed respect, I can tell you, especially as I'm terrified of puke.

Thinking about it, she's a bit too scat-obsessed...
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:27, Reply)

I did a battery acid coloured poo
I'd drunk all teh absinth and blue carracou. So with dedication and a fucked liver you can achieve your dreams.
( mrbongo sweating like a formicophiliac on I'm a celebrity, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:26, Reply)