A woman is giving birth,
and after the delivery, the baby is whisked away into the back room.
Several minutes later, the doctor comes out, and says:

"Well, we have good news and bad news"

The woman says: "well tell me the bad news first, then the good news will cheer me up"

The doctor says:

"the bad news is that your baby is ginger, the good news is... it's dead!"
( newg rum n coke, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 21:15, Reply)

3 Jews win the lottery
And scoop the £8m jackpot.

They are getting ready to divvy up the cash and one says:

"right, so that's £2 million to me, £2 million to each of you, and £2 million to the Germans"

The other two reply:

"£2 million to the fucking GERMANS? What the fuck for?"

Says the first jew, rolling up his sleeve:

"Well, they did give us the numbers."
( newg rum n coke, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 20:54, Reply)

Sailor Joke
3 tough Sailors are in port for 2 nights. The first night they spend getting blind drunk. On the second night they get blind drunk but also realise they set sail tomorrow and need to get laid.
Many ships are docked and all the whores are busy, after searching for hours they find the only remaining one. A nasty toothless old hag who has definitely seen better days.
Oh well, it 's her or nothing they decide.
The first sailor goes for his turn while the other two wait outside.
After a very short time he runs out,
"Jesus Christ, the pain, the pain, it's like fucking sandpaper in there!"
"You're just not a man mate, you got the wrong hole!" the second cocksure sailor in line says and goes for his turn.
He too runs out after a very short time,
"No! God help me, it's like fucking a jar of metal tacks!"
The third sailor is not put off, he says to the two fellows, I will show you and he strides in for his go.
After an hour he comes out,
"That was the best fuck I have ever had, mindblowing, amazing, I feel like I'm floating!"
The two other sailors are baffled,
"How can this be true?
The third sailor says,
"Easy, I picked the scabs and let the pus run!"
(booionic, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 20:32, Reply)

right
woman phones up the police station late at night, and says "help! I've been reaped!"
the officer on duty answers, "don't you mean raped?"
"no, he used a scythe"
(Withiel assumes the position!, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 19:11, Reply)

I'm not racist*
Q: What do you say to a black Jew?

A: Get in ze back of ze offen!


*No, really, I'm not. I have a colour TV.
(AmoulSolo, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 19:06, Reply)

Ba bum, tish.
Did you hear about the thalidomide pornstar?

He had an arm like a babys cock.
(crunt, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 19:03, Reply)

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sore-arse.
(disaffected, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 19:01, Reply)

Another Rod Hull joke
What are Rod Hull's favourite washing products?*

Aerial and Bounce

*I was going to say Washing powder, but Bounce isn't a powder...shucks.
(Wrecked Tums, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 18:46, Reply)

How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem?
-He worked it out with a pencil.

Why could Helen Keller play her guitar with only one hand?

-Because she sang with the other.

-Ida Mae passes away, and Bubba calls the hospital. The operator asks where the ambulance can find Ida Mae. He says "We're at the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?". After a bit of thought, Bubba asks, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?"

Why can't Helen Keller drive?
-Because she's a woman!
(Corn Dog, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 18:31, Reply)

Sickest jokes:
What sits in the corner of the lounge and crackles?

Rod Hull's television.

What does DIANA stand for?

Died In A Nasty Accident.

and that's it... for now...
(G P Enius & Eureka! Lottovitt Not to be sniffed at!, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 18:09, Reply)

More Defintions
Definition of impossible;
Stapling dioreahh to the wall...

Definition of pain;
a fly sliding down a blade using its knackers as a brake.

1st post after lurking far too long (over a year)
(tokin_whiteguy, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 17:43, Reply)

mmmm cream
A nice middle class couple decide to take their young daughter to the zoo. They laugh at the penguins, feed the elephants and when they get to the monkey house, there are two monkeys fervently shagging.
“What are those monkeys doing mummy?” asks the little girl
“They are making cakes,” replies the mother somewhat embarrassed but smugly pleased with her quick thinking.
A couple of weeks later, there is a terrible thunder storm and the little girl gets scared and decides to find her daddy. And downstairs there her daddy is laid on the couch watching top quality bongo. He sees her at the last minute and turns it off sharpish. But not sharpish enough.
“What was that man and lady doing on the TV daddy?” she asks.
“They were making cakes,” replies her daddy
Another couple of weeks later the little girl approaches her mother in the kitchen.
“You and Daddy were making cakes on the sofa last night” she states
“How do you know that?” asks her mother, shocked.
“Because I just licked the icing off the seat”
( fr13day has everything required to be a Penguin, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 17:38, Reply)

Jesus christ.
can people read at least ONE page before they post a joke.

There's the same baby/leper/epileptic jokes posted about 20 times on EVERY page.

if in doubt, DON'T POST THEM!


EDIT: and a joke:

What do you do if you see a paki with half of his face hanging off?

-Reload.

watch that have already been posted now :P
( Snorty McBumhole YouTube.com/MinistryOfGeeks, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 17:17, Reply)

another racist joke...
Ok, I'm from Germany, and so it's very offensive...
Like black people in the usa, pakistans in england, in Germany we have a lot of turkish immigrants and their children.
So, here's the joke:
In a bus (in Germany), two Turks are talking. In the bench in front of them sits a very old german woman.
The one Turk says to the other: "Soon we'll be over 4 millions of Turks here! Then we can take over Germany!"
The old womand turns around and says: "We already had over 4 million of Jews once..."


I think this joke is SICK!
(Schrubba, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 17:16, Reply)

Sorry - more
How do you stop a Paki from drowning?

Take your foot of his head.

What do you throw to a drowning Paki?

His wife and kids.

Why do women suffer from PMT?

Cos' they fucking deserve to

/not racist
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 17:15, Reply)

what's the definition of pain?
being analy raped by a buffalo
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Sat 11 Sep 2004, 17:15, Reply)

What's
black, white and red and can't turn round in a corridor?


A nun with a javelin through her head

Told by me at my wedding reception - .....tumbleweed
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 17:02, Reply)

THE WORST JOKES
I'm a master :)

what did the Deaf Dumb Blind girl get for xmas?
Cancer

Whats the best thing about fucking 28yr olds?
there are 20 of them

Whats the best thing about shagging an 8 year old girl?
You can roll her over and pretend its an 8 year old boy.

A man takes his girl home one night and decides that this would be a great day to have sex with her for the first time. SO hand in hand they go upstairs and get in to bed. As he starts to slide his cock in to her she screams "AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!". WHAT THE FUCK says the man and rushes to the toilet to get his KY Jelly. coming back he slaps a bit on and proceeds to start poking again. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!". For fucks sake says the man and dishes on the whole tube of KY. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG" GODAMMIT says the man and proceeds to get every wet thing he can find in the house - toothpaste, mustard, ketchup, cooking oiletc and slaps it ALL on. As he tries to bone her again she yells "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHH thats fucking excruciating!!!!"
- "wow" said the man "thats a big word for a 5 year old"

I thank you
I am available for bahmitzphas and funerals
(Ush, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 16:59, Reply)

not really sick, but...
two japanese sewage workers have been working the same stretch of sewer for twenty years, one on the day shift, one on the night shift. Every change of shift as one is entering the sewer, the other is leaving. in twenty years they never say a word to each other.

anyway, they are both up for retirement, and as they are long serving, hardworking council employees, the council lay on a little party for them. so there they are, both holding a drink, and one of them decides he's going to break the ice. he walks over, says 'hello' (or should that be hewwo?) - the other says 'hi' back, and says 'you know what, we've been working in the same place for so long, and never said a word'. To which the other replies 'i know, we've just been two nips that pass in the shite'.

sorry for length, and also for it being crap!
(OuEstMonPantalon, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 16:02, Reply)

Apologies if this has been posted already
but I've not the time right now to read the whole thread.

A woman who has been trying for a baby for a long time visits her doctor.

"I've been feeling rather sick in the mornings and I seem to be putting on weight," she tells him.

"Well, I'll run some tests on you, and then you can come back next week for the results," says the doctor.

A week passes and the woman goes back to the doctor. "We have the results of your tests," the doctor tells her "and let me put it this way - in nine months time you'll have an awful lot of nappies to change."

"Oh that's wonderful doctor, thank you so much, we've been trying for a baby for so long now," she says.

The doctor replies "Oh, no, you're not pregnant - you have bowel cancer."




I am so, so sorry but not for length.
(JamScones, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 15:42, Reply)

What
sits at the end of a bed and take the piss?

A kidney dialysis machine!
(Sorry, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 15:33, Reply)

And yet another
Woman runs into a police station and shouts;
"Help, I've been raped by council workers!"
A policeman says "How do you know they were council workers?"
"I had to do all the fecking work!"

/offends those hard working boys in orange all over the UK
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 15:08, Reply)

Two
black women with babies, at a bustop.
One says: "Is your teething, yet?"
Other one says: "He's managed to get two car stereos and a handbag!"

sorrysorrysorry
(Sorry, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 14:59, Reply)

topical and sick
Well i got punched for this one:

*Group of screaming twattish chav kids walk past me and some mates*

"Good christ, where are the Chechen rebels when you need them?"
(mrcheese989, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 14:38, Reply)

here's one
Q. What noise does a owl make?
A. 'Twit Twoo'
Q. What niose does a canary make?
A. 'Tweet Tweet'
Q. What niose does a black bird make?
A. 'Stick it in my ass Leroy'
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 14:35, Reply)

Er, dont know if anyone posted this, but...
Whats funnier than swinging a cat around on a washing line by its tail?
Stopping it with a spade!
(Graz Da Frog, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 14:21, Reply)

7 year old Son sees his mum in the shower and asks
"Whats that mum?"
"Thats my garage sweety"

Later sees his dad in the shower
"Whats that dad?"
"Thats my limousine son that I park in Mummy's garage."

That night the son has a nightmare and goes into his mum and dads bed. The mum wakes up the next morning to find her son on top of her.
"What are you doing there sweety?"
"I've just parked my mini in your garage."
(Quiet, you!, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 14:19, Reply)