Hmmm
A blind guy walks past a fish market.........

says "shit, girls, what am I doing in Hull?"
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 5:11, Reply)

An oldie
Click for the sickest joke ever
(Human, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 4:35, Reply)

I made this up, but I can't quite make it work...
Why did the amputee musician play really quickly? To make allegro.

See, it doesn't quite work.

My brother told me a joke today, as follows...

A vampire walked into a bar and asked the barman for a mug of hot water. The barman looked somewhat bemused and said 'Don't you normally go for blood?'. The vampire quickly whipped out a used tampon and said 'Nah, I'm just making a brew'.
(gmo, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 1:46, Reply)

Some of my best jokes:
What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?

Finger-painting.

So my friend found out he had leprosy. After sulking for about six months, he decides to have the time of his life before he dies. The first thing he does is find a prostitute. After he was done shagging her, he got dressed and told her,

"you can keep the tip."

What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 13.

What's the difference between a woman and a shit?

You don't have to cuddle with the shit after you've had it.
(Bobstaff, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 1:09, Reply)

PUB
What's the smallest pub in the world????


The Thalidomide Arms
( acab, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 1:06, Reply)

Apologies in advance
Whats the difference between a paki and a shit in a bucket? The bucket.
(chakaflange, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 23:32, Reply)

more child abuse...
i used to collect baby jokes when i was younger. i expect all of these have been posted already, but i feel i need to say my bit, if only to justify that my youth wasn't totally wasted...


What's red and dances?
- A baby on a burner

What's red and hangs?
- A baby on a meat hook

What's green and hangs?
- The same baby six months later

What's black and blue and goes round and round?
- A baby in a tumble dryer

What's blue and bubbles and goes round and round?
- A baby in a washing machine

What's blue and bubbles and taps at the window?
- A baby in a fish tank

What's red and bubbles and taps at the window?
- A baby in a microwave

How do you make a dead baby float?
- Take your foot off its head

What's red and screams and can't turn around in a lift?
- A baby with a javelin through its head

What's the difference between a cartload of sand and a cartload of dead
babies?
- You don't unload sand with a pitchfork

What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?
- A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

What do you do after you've had a baby?
- Pull its nappy up

What's worse than having sex with a five year old?
- Him telling you he's had it better
(fay, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 23:31, Reply)

Oh dear...
A boy goes into the bathroom and starts pleasuring himself, forgetting that he hasn't locked the door. In walks his Mum.

"Erm... I... erm..."
"That's OK", says his Mum, "but this is how you should do it" and she demonstrates ... anyhow, they get so carried away that before you know it, they're fully at it on the bathroom floor. When they finish, she says "you're even better than your father" to which the son says "yep, that's what my sister said too".

I'm really sorry.
(DamoUK, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 22:57, Reply)

obligatory Dick joke
There's a bloke at home watching telly, all of a sudden his knob falls off. In a frenzy of panic, he throws it into a convenient paper bag and sets off for the Doctors. He get's to the Doctors surgery, runs up the stairs, boots the door open and screams: "Doctor, Doctor, my dick's fallen off", and hands the Doctor the paper bag. The Doctor pulls out the object in the paper bag; looks at it for several seconds then says: "I'm sorry, but this sin't a Dick, it's a Coconut Mushroom". To which the man replies: "it can't be - I eat that coming up the stairs"

yadda da dah dahhhhh, da da dah !
( Adolf Jitler is editor of Practical Shoelace Collector, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 21:49, Reply)

a real slow burner
a Sloth is ambling through the jungle. Suddenly he's set upon by a gang of snails. The snails beat the shit out of the sloth. Eventually the sloth regains conciousness and makes for the nearest police station. Several hours later he arrives and tells the copper he needs to report anassault. The policeman says: "can you describe your assailents?" to which the sloth replies: "well, it all happened so fast..." boom boom
( Adolf Jitler is editor of Practical Shoelace Collector, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 21:44, Reply)

silly joke
Seven Dwarves in a bath all feeling Happy...
..Happy get's out so they all feel Grumpy !!

ho ho
( Adolf Jitler is editor of Practical Shoelace Collector, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 21:39, Reply)

Here's one for the parents

How do you make a 5 year old cry twice?

Use her teddy bear to wipe the blood off your penis.
(Chuckman, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 21:29, Reply)

Let's see if I can reclaim my second place
Why must you break Helen Keller's fingers?

So she can't tell anyone after you rape her.
(Chuckman, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 21:24, Reply)

A Woman is giving birth....
And with one final push out came the baby. It was then held aloft by the midwife as the sergeon cut the umbilicle cord.
The Midwife then drop kicks it to a surgeon who toe punts it against the wall repeatidly before kicking it accross the floor to the midwife who slam dunks it in to the bin...

...The mother is screaming at this point

"What the f**k are you are doing to my newborn baby?"

The midwife turned around and laughed as she said:

"April fool, it was already dead".
(mcparty, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 20:34, Reply)

AIDS
what is the similarity between Ayrton Senna and Freddie Mecury?

They both died with blood on their helmet!
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 19:31, Reply)

The art of beekeeping
This one is not at all sick, (unless you are a bee with housing issues)

Two beekeepers meet at a conference. One asks the other:
"How many bees do you keep?"
"I've got 3 hives, in all I've got around 50,000 bees" answered his colleague.


"So how many bees have you got?" the second beekeeper inquires.
"Oh, about a million or so"
"A Million?! How many hives do you have?"
"Just the one"
"You've got a million bees in one hive?"
"Yeah. Fuck 'em, they're only bees"
( masakatsu best of all the burger meats, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 19:26, Reply)

What's the difference...
What's the difference between Jews and ping-pong balls?


There's no way to unload a truckful of ping-pong balls with a fork.


Remember kids, racist jokes are fun, racism isn't.
(w-a-y, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 19:13, Reply)

Original!!
I made this one up, not really sick, but a lot of others on here aren't either.
---------------------

Why are there no more cases of hemorroids in France?

Because they're all perfect assholes.

----------------------

(Substiture your own choice of country/area)
(Zoran, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 19:09, Reply)

Whats the best thing about shagging twenty six year olds?
there's twenty of em...

Whats the bestthing about shagging a 2 yearold?
Hearing thepelvic bone snap.
*demonstrates with baby from shed*

Whar where lots of fake gold, Burberry cap, hood, and has a bad attitude problem?
a wanker

What do you get if you cross an owl, with a bungee cord?
My ass...

Improv from a trainjourney in London on 7,7 (i was pissed) - To the tune of Last Caress-

I got something to say,
I blew a train up today,
Doesnt matter that much to me as long as you're dead...


all i can think of are dead baby jokes or racial slur... WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!?

oh yeah... ENGLISH!

Patience. Pay-shuh! Patience. Pay-shuh! Patience. Pay-shuh! Patience. Pay-shuh! Patience. Pay-shuh! Patience. Pay-shuh! Patience. Pay-shuh! Patience. Pay-shuh! Patience. Pay-shuh! Patience. Pay-shuh!


oooooh! girthy! :P
(harangue, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 18:36, Reply)

Another Joke
Dodi (or however u spell his name) and Di couldnt figure out where to spend the night. Dodi wanted to stay at the hilton (being the rich bastard he is) and Di wantedto find a ritz for some high class asction. Their arguemtn got more heated until the driver suggested they justcrashed there for the night...

hoo-rah!
(harangue, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 18:25, Reply)

What's sick
is the fact that there has to be a teensy bit of truth in these jokes... After all, the truth is what makes a joke funny. Therefore, I presume all you b3tans have, like me, a stockpile of dead babies in your garages, a fantastic school with a great variety of 7 year olds to choose from, nearby; and of course, you're all gay-bashing darkie-hating nazis.

Here's the funny thing.. I've become like you :)

LOL.

erm.
(Benny A Last Nuclear meltdown:, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 18:20, Reply)

Whats hot, black and sits at the top of the stairs smoking. . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . .
. . . .
. . .
. .
.

Stephen Hawkins in a house fire.
(eyeballonastick, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 18:08, Reply)

heard at work today
The manager of a shop is training a new assistant in advanced sales techniques one sunny Friday in the springtime. "The trick isn't just getting someone to buy something" said the manager. "You have to convince them to buy something they don't want or don't know that they need". Leading by example, the manager tells the assistant to watch him when the next customer arrives.
A few minutes later the bell rings as a customer enters the shop. "Fair morrow, Sir" emits the shopkeep. "How might we help Sir today?".
"I'd like a packet of grass seed, please" said the customer. The manager trotted to a nearby shelf, selected an item and returned.
"Here you are, sir, one packet of grass seed. If you just follow me now I'll take you to the garden hardware department to get you a lawnmower."
"What do I want a lawnmower for?" asked the puzzled customer.
"If Sir looks at the contents of Sir's hand Sir will espy a packet of grass seed," replied the manager. "Grass seed grows into grass which will eventually require cutting."
"What a splendid wheeze!" said the customer before buying the proferred lawnmower.
The manager now told the assistant "the next customer who comes in is yours. Whatever they ask for try and sell them something else that they didn't know they were going to need."
A few short moments later the door opened, the bell tinkled and a second customer appeared. He approached the counter and spoke:
"I'd like a couple of packets of tampons and a bottle of Feminax, please" he said.
"Certainly sir... just a moment... there you go," said the assistant, reaching beneath the counter for the items. "And if you just follow me now I'll take you to the garden hardware department to get you a lawnmower."
"A lawnmower?" puzzled the customer and manager together.
"A lawnmower" replied the assistant. "It looks like you're weekend's fucked so you might as well mow the grass."
( wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 17:37, Reply)

What's blue and fucks old ladies?
Me and my lucky blue overcoat.


The Queen Mum dies and goes to heaven. Just past the pearly gates she meets Diana.

"Nice halo my dear," she says.

"Fuck off you sarky cow," Diana replies.

"You know damn well it's a steering wheel."
(paxvobiscum, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 17:23, Reply)

Not sick and not told yet
but made me laugh like a mong:

A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice.

The man looks around, a little confused.

"DIG!" Booms the oice again.

The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts

"OPEN!"

He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again

"CASINO!"

What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout

"ROULETTE!"

He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.

"16 BLACK!" the voice says

So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.

"FUCK!" shouts the voice...
(mrcheese989, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 17:09, Reply)

what's the worst thing about
fucking a 6 year old at the fairground? Blood on your clown costume!
( shift spendips make me sad inside, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 16:50, Reply)

Ireland's worst air disaster
a two seater cessna airplane crashed into a grave yard, they've recovered 500 bodies already, digging is set to go through the night.
(site_history_log, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 16:40, Reply)

What's the best thing about fucking a six year old girl in the shower?
You can slick her hair back and pretend she's a six year old boy.
( cheesebread at the third stroke, hammertime will be, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 16:38, Reply)

What's black and blue, and doesn't like sex?
The little boy in the boot of my car.
( cheesebread at the third stroke, hammertime will be, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 16:38, Reply)

India quake survivors on the first day
numbered 100 from out of the rubble. That soon rose when they searched the second house.
( shift spendips make me sad inside, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 16:35, Reply)