Deck the Halls...
Whenever Christmas comes around my dad always sings:

Scratch your balls with sprigs of holly
Tra la la la laaaa la la la laaaa
If you do you won't be jolly
Tra la la la laaaa la la la laaaa

I am ashamed. Another of his favourites to the tune of some song (not sure what its actually called) that goes something like "there's a rainbow round my shoulder." He always sings:

There's a finger up my arsehole
And a sky of blue above

or other variations including (but not limited to):

There's a finger up my arsehole
Tickling my prostate gland

He thinks it's hilarious.
(Mr Slippyfist, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 21:37, Reply)

Alternative Slipknot lyrics
Here is some to some crappy Slipknot tune (Death to false metal!!)

"I like to eat my cheddar cheese,
While in my garden raking leaves,
I'd like a pint of bitter please,
Within my shed, I sit and read"

I can't think of anything more. SOMEONE needs to, I have started the ball rolling and someone needs to complete it...
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 21:30, Reply)

BeeGees
(to the tune of shake your booty)

OW
Shitshitshit
shitshitshit
shitbananas-shitbananas
OW
Shitshitshit
shitshitshit
shitbananas-shitbananas

/goes on indefinitely
(Drunkendragon, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 21:26, Reply)

A god-bothering song we had to sing at school...
'oh sinner man' (or somesuch drivel)

I think the original lyrics went something like

'oh sinner man, where do you run to? Oh sinner man, where do you run to? Oh sinner man where do you run to all on this day? Run to the rocks... the rocks won't a hide you.. etc..'

Our little group sang a perversion of this which went something along the lines of.

'oh Superman, where do you fly to? Oh Superman, where do you fly to? Oh Superman, where do you fly to all on this day? Fly to the socks? The socks will a stink you.. etc..'

Minutes of seemingly endless fun gaining pre-pubescent joy from knowing that you were doing the naughty deed not against your school teachers but also against 'god' him/her/it self.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 21:07, Reply)

Eastie Boys
You got to fight/ fight for your right to/ KABADI
(TwoLeftFlipFlops, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 21:00, Reply)

Musical Snowman and Premonition Theory Weirdness
You know that song, "Tis The Seasons To Be Jolly?"

Well,in my office where I work, there was this sodding musical, prancing snowman that sang the above song.

But, to my ears, the last parts it sang (probably from low batteries and being played to death, to annoy the shit outa me as my xmas hatred is that well known it's proof read) sounded like "Don pirahna, gay is pernod lalala-lalala-la-la-la, through the ancient seaside peril")

I ran this past a few people, and they believed the same. People would walk up and down the office singing it, and quoting "beware the ancient sea side peril"

Now, this bit messes with my head. Thinking about this in retrospect, looking at this in a peverse, screwed up way (and probably highly over imaginative?) it COULD have been read as a premonition to what happened on that fateful Boxing Day morning....

Scary...
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 20:54, Reply)

50 Cent
I swear to god I heard this in one of 50 Cent's drunken, rambling, monotone raps regarding the great human emotion that is love. The line in question..........

"I love you like a fat kid love cake."

Classic......Classicaly shite.
(TwoLeftFlipFlops, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 20:46, Reply)

papa dont preach?
nah mate,
its poppadom street

makes all kinds of sense
( manolith hooray for me, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 20:46, Reply)

Brown eyed girl
V. sweet to see my mate burst into the first verse with
'Hey there amigo'

instead of 'Hey, where did we go'
(Gert-Big-Robot-Gal, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 20:44, Reply)

kids from fame
when i were a lass i used to think that "Hi Fidelity", as sung by Doris Schwartz of Kids from Fame erm fame , was "Hi Penelope".......being an avid Fame fan i always wondered who Penelope was in the show.....then my mum told me the truth an i felt like a right twunt
(Foxy McClumpha, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 20:41, Reply)

Sort of a mis-heard lyric.....
When I was 3 years old and well into He-Man and The Masters of the Universe cartoon, I used to constantly climb to the top of the climbing frame with my toy sword, hold it above my head and shout "I HAVE THE POWER OF PLAYSCHOOL!!!!
(swerve_psycho, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 20:38, Reply)

hmm
I thought drugs were only good in fairy tales
Highs for someone else but not for me
What's the point in buying
A load of Mary Jane
When I wanted the munchies, I stayed sane

Then I tried cocaine
Now I'm a crack dealer
Not a trace of dope in my joint
Now I'm high (oooooooh) I'm a crack dealer, I couldn't leave her if I tried.

That's all.
(~Sunny~, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 20:31, Reply)

Snoo
I used to be in choir during school (shame on me, I know), and we would sing songs like "Frosty the Snowman" during the winter months.

However, when we got lyric sheets from the instructor (who the hell needs lyric sheets for singing "Frosty the Snowman"??), myself and my pals were delighted to see how they read "snoo" instead of snow. Multiple times.

Oh poor Mrs. Greene, unable to figure out which of us little whippersnappers was singing "OVER THE HILLS OF SNOO" in a group of about 30 kids, and why it kept occurring... even on stage during the christmas concert.

We were just reading what she wrote. Not our fault. Really.
(megomobile, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 20:10, Reply)

guns n roses
Rockets in the Balkans, in the cold November rain...

Yes. That is what it sounds like.
(blush, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 20:04, Reply)

The love/muff theory
I've found that 90% of songs with the word 'love' in the title are improved by the substitution of 'muff' for 'love'. Thus Take That's 'How Deep is Your Muff', Darkness' 'I Believe in a Thing Called Muff'
(pizzadeliveryninja, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 20:03, Reply)

the doors
Come on baby, light my farts...
(Slick_master_Jastard, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 19:59, Reply)

A few...
My wife sings The Moody Blues "Knights in White Satin" as "Nights in Prestatyn", my brother thinks that the chorus to "World Shut Your Mouth" features the line "stick your head back in the closet and shut your mouth" and won't be told and i was singing "Lovin' it in La Vida" to "Love in an Elevator" for years.

Whilst not exactly wrong, the lyrics with biggest scope for homosexual misinterpretation belong to Kenny Loggins "Playing with the Boys"

www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/topgun/playingwiththeboys.htm
(mudflaps, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 19:53, Reply)

Away in a Manger, in a west-coast (of Scotland) stylee c. 1984
"A wean* in a manger
No chips for his bread
The little lord's cheeses
Lay down his sweet ted..."

"The cattle are glowing
The baby's a snake!
But little lord's cheeses
No frying he bakes..."

* wean (pronounced wayne) is a small child.

Still funny 20 years later, and still being sung, according to my mum (a teacher)
(lawofnations, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 19:47, Reply)

Money for nothing...
...and your chips for free?

At least that's what I thought when I was 8 :)
(dajw, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 19:24, Reply)

I know the real lyrics very well....
...but I always thought mine sounded better:

I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I need some biscuits.
(mcnelson, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 19:18, Reply)

I have two
From when i was young

To the Bee-Gee's saying alive:

Actual lyrics :Ah Ah Ah Ah stayin alive staying alive ah ah etc etc

My lyrics : Ah Ah Ah Ah Stablise Stablise etc tec

To Hot chocolate's Sexy Thing :

Actual lyrics : Oooo I believe in Mircales, Were you from? you sexy thing

My lyrics: Ooooo I believe in Malcom, Weres he from? you sexy thing

both were sung as laod as I could around the house and sometimes in the street
(fistcount shite, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 19:13, Reply)

Soundgarden-Spoonman
when i was a kid all those years ago, i was singing Spoonman by soundgarden all the time. Around this time in Guildford or nearby there was this guy who owned a hot air balloon and abused his wife by throwing her up the stairs
The Song become as follows:
Balloon man grab me by my ankles and feet
Throw meeee up the stairs there's twenty eight
twenty...
Tis all I can remeber.
( Brown cow, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 19:06, Reply)

Ramones
Blitzkreig Bop. Fantastic songs. When I first heard it, I swore i heard this...

I saw a little white man,
He didn't even see me,
I thought it was a black man,
'Mongst the fluff.

My friends never saw me in the same way.
(Noonaa, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 18:48, Reply)

I might just be being gullible...
But some time last year, when The Darkness were getting really big, our upper school was, erm, "treated" to a visit by a Christian rock band.
For some reason I happened to be absent on that day, but on my return I was informed that the song they performed in the assembly was... wait for it...

'I Believe in a Thing Called God'
(Woocious, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 18:16, Reply)

Ah, there's a lot of these
Well, there's the obvious "I'm your penis, I'm your fire, your desire". (Bananarama - Venus) Then there's my remake of Summer Nights:

It shot out, you know what I mean
Took me ages to get my arse clean
I'll never again eat Indian food
There were skid marks where I'd pooed
Summer fun, dumping a ton but oh oh the summer shites

Flush it more, flush it more
Another down the toilet I'll send
Flush it more, flush it more
Oh my poor rear end!

I sat down, I had diarrohea
It was deadly to anyone near
I felt a bit of a squelch
And my arse let out a belch
Summer bogs, dropping some logs but oh oh the summer shites

Flush it more, flush it more
What are those noises I heard?
Flush it more, flush it more
It's a massive turd

It went on longer than that, but the rest isn't as good. Then, a tribute to the world's greatest steeplejack (RIP) to the Captain Scarlet theme tune:

Captain Dibnah,
He's the one who knows the chimneys' game,
The smokestacks.
Captain Dibnah,
To his chimney foes, a dangerous name,
A steeplejack.

He bashes them, and their bricks may burn.
He smashes them, but he knows they'll return,
To smoke again.

Captain Dibnah,
As Betsy is rolling out, a massive machine,
Powered by steam,
D'you like that?

Captain Dibnah,
A big chimney is what he's never fell off,
He's famous for his bronchial cough.

Captain Dibnah,
Chimney breaking,
Captain Dibnah!

And finally, the chorus of Dancing Queen:

You'll bake a magic spleen, cook my feet, I'm-a gonna ween
Bake a spleen, I'll stick my meat in a tangerine
You're in France, in a beehive, you're Papa Lazarou's wife ohh yeah
Oooh... eat a Twirl, snot is green, baking a magic spleen.

Some people I know also did an excellent rewording of Sonne by Rammstein about a drunken old lady, but since it's all in German I doubt many people would understand it, and this post's already far too long. Apologies for length, said the Pope to the nun.
(The Worminator I have discovered that Quavers are nice, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 18:05, Reply)

Idlewild's American English
sounds better if it's
'Here's singing a song about an elf'
as does 'with a little help from my friends' by the beatles, when replaced with 'I get by with a little elf from southend'
( just a man sitting on a chair eating a biscuit, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 18:00, Reply)

Me and my mate (he made em up, poss. stolen)
The Addams Family theme

"The Addams Family started,
when uncle fester farted,
he farted through the keyhole
and paralyzed the cat.
The cat was made of plastic,
his mother was a spastic
and that was all that happened,
when uncle fester keffed"

We three kings

"We three kings of orient are,
one in a taxi, one in a car,
one on a scooter, pipping the hooter,
and smoking a fat cigar.
Ooooohh star of wonder star of light
sit on a box of dynamite
when it fuses, start to use it
then you'll be blown to mars'

He's got the whole world

'He got the whole world, down his pants,
hes got the whole wide world, down his pants

etc. etc.
(Attention Whore, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 18:00, Reply)

Look at him spin...
I was singing along to ACDC's Who Made Who and instead of "Spinning like a dynamo" came out with "Spinning like a dinosaur!"

Personally I prefer the new lyrics as now I imagine Barney spinning away furiously whenever I hear the song.
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 17:54, Reply)

Midnight?

"midnight! i feel wasted!"

blithely carolled my friend jo along with the brand new heavies (midnight at the oasis, just in case anybody didn't get it).

also:

"just let me staple the vicar"

sang my friend annie to sister sledge. instead of "just let me state for the record," naturally...

one is a lawyer, the other an architect. god help us all.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 17:44, Reply)

Spice Girls 2 become 1
Once again if we endeavour we can get dressed up in leather

Are you as good as I remember baby, get 'em off, get 'm off, cos tonight is the night, when six become 1

I need a shag like I've never needed one before (gonna make love to you baby)
Get you knickers off, and sling them on the floor (gonna make love to you baby)
Set your willy free
and stick it into meeeeee.
(Lambkin, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 17:41, Reply)