I used to work
at a place called Phoenix Park in dirty Bulwell. The industrial park was built on a long-closed-down colliery and all the old slag heaps had been grassed over and saplings planted.

Very nice heaps of grass they are too.

Sitting in the bar at the Travelodge on the site, I overheard an American woman say to her husband "Gee Hon, I'll write and tell Suzie we got a great view of the Nottingham Moors out our window. She loves all that Heathcliff stuff"
( rabbitz, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 17:02, Reply)

Directions
At Leicester (or possibly "Lye-sester") station,a few years back.

Australian: "Say mate, could y'tell me where I get the train to Loogabarooga?"
Me: "Sorry?"
Australian: "The train to Loogabarooga."
Me: "Ah - Loughborough! Platform 3."

Edit: Balboa - do I know you then?
(BeerPoweredNoiseFrenzy, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 17:01, Reply)

A photo with the Norseman
Ring of Brodgar, Orkney last year, pal Two Snakes had purchased a rather fetching comedy plastic viking helmet at Skara Brae earlier, which he donned at a jaunty angle with one horn up and one horn down as we walked around the standing stones.

Cue two of our retarded colonial chums, asking, "Gee, do you think we could have our photo taken with the Norseman?"

They shouldn't be allowed out of their own country I say. Lock them in.
(p0zitr0n - phunarmically charged particle, detected at, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 17:00, Reply)

americans...tsk...
my mate got asked at Leicester station by 2 overweight yanks which platform the train to 'Loogerberoogah' was.

10 minutes later he figured out they were talking about Loughborough...
(balboa, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 17:00, Reply)

My cousin met some American boys while skiing.
Upon finding out that she was from Canada, one of the American lads exclaimed: "Speak Canadian to me!"
( Grampa, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:58, Reply)

The most stupid thing I have heard...
The most stupid thing I heard a tourist say was: boogawlllpralmlalakafnungth. Not really.
(Eryne_Tiwele, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:58, Reply)

Conjugation damnation
In grad school we had a guy from China working with us. The definition of "exotic" that he learned was "from another place," such as exotic fish. He also didn't quite get the conjugation of dance: dancing, dancers, danced, etc.

So when he saw a sign for "Blondie's Exotic Dancers" he thought it was a night club for international students. No, not quite...
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:58, Reply)

In the carpark at the Giants Causeway Northen Ireland
Fat American Woman : "Gee thats a weird car! "
Fat American Man : "What is it? "
Fat American Woman : "It says its a Meeegaaann?"
Fat American Man : "Whats a Meegaaan?"
Fat American Woman: "Is it French for Renault?"
Other people in carpark: "FFS"
(cymro, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:57, Reply)

stupid brits
Me and a friend bought a car on ebay for £102 a couple of years ago. We drove it down through europe to the south of italy.
It was a real piece of crap and i had found an orange box from a company called "rent-a-crate" so i cut out the sides and attached them to the front and back of the car.
We got a ferry from the south of italy to Corfu so it was doing rather well already.

In a car park next to the beach the radiator sprang a leak.
This bunch of typically stupid Brits with horrific sun burn came up to us and said we should take it back to the rental company. We tried to explain to them that we owned it and it was not hired but they really were as thich as two short planks, so we gave up trying to explain that it was a joke.

Same car park, some others walked past saying they hadn't heard of the rental company before.

Suppose you had to be there really...
(pkittoe, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:56, Reply)

A guy I 'worked' with for a summer
He was a wonderfully clueless ivy-league graduate wanting to do something "arty", and so had ended up at an English country house helping out with the tours.

I was showing him around the gardens when he walked straight through some nettles... Now I've walked innocently into poison ivy in the states - that's not a reason to laugh at him.

No, no, no. The reason to point and laugh at him was that, when I gave him some dock leaves to rub on the swellings, he asked me in all seriousness if "I'd learnt that from the Indians."
( chthonic, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:56, Reply)

As an American
it's surprising to hear I was in a foreign country NOT acting stupid, but...

I was in Germany, having a beer with some assorted other foreign English-speaking hostelers. We started chatting with a native German who spoke fairly well. His friend, however, just sat there quietly, though not rudely, not saying a word. At one point, I asked German A if German B spoke any English - A leaned over and translated for B.

B asked me, "American?" I nodded. He made himself look fat, wagged his finger at me, and gave me the only English he knew, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." He repeated that for the rest of the evening.
(ZugZwang refuses to update his profile., Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:56, Reply)

When I was in Mexico,
me and my friend met a group of lovely young American girls who were fascinated by our English ways. Among the questions we were asked were:
"Do you have black people in England?"

"Do you celebrate Independence Day/Thanksgiving?"

"Do you take the luge to school?" (She meant the tube)

"Do all your girl friends have babies?" (After explaining that Essex has the highest teen pregnancy rate in England)

My mum also sat next to an American woman on a plane who, confused by her UHT milk, asked the stewardess what kind of animal a "yoot" is.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:55, Reply)

In France, which is rubbish (fnar!),
the people in charge of naming stuff decided that the most sensible and tourist-friendly thing to do would be to name train stations not after the city they're actually IN, but after the city at the end of the line that passes through them. Morons.

Hence you have Gare de Lyon in Paris, Gare de Paris in Lyon, one very confused English guy wandering around Lyon like a complete twunt asking how to get to the Champs Elysees, and lots of smugly amused baguette-munchers making facetious comments like 'go straight on at the boulangerie, and it's 400 miles on your left - you can't miss it. He-haw, he-haw, he-haw!'

(I'm not telling you who the ig'nant belming Limey fuckwad on the end of all this scything Gallic wit was, because it was me.)
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:53, Reply)

Standing Under Big Ben
Asking the time
(Pigmash, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:50, Reply)

i spent a year in america
but i'll keep it short. my favourite,

me: guess where I'm from
her: I don't really want to say
me: go on, guess
her: well, i think you're from ireland but i'm not sure if that's in england or not

but she was a really nice person (hey Hyduke!)and we generally shouldn't make fun of mercans and their geographical skills
( harryfreeze Ignore, Hide, I like this!, Reply, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:49, Reply)

The best place to spot said tourists...
get yourself outside city hall on the south bank of the Thames... There's always some tourists being filmed by their friends sitting on the wall singing "london bridge is falling down..." with Tower bridge as the back drop. Genius!!!.. no you twunts london bridge is the ugly metal one in the other direction.

And no smart arses with their "well actually london bridge was sold to an american business man.. blah blah blah" Its still called london bridge.

sssshzam!
(The Duke of Pontefract, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:48, Reply)

tower of ...
An American acquaintance was wandering through London, for the first time. (She subsequently moved there.)

Upon spying Big Ben, she asked: "Is that the eiffel tower?"
( giblethead2000, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:47, Reply)

Americans are teh bestest!
Almost stereotypical American couple overheard at Warwick Castle: "Gee, honey - isn't it great how they built the River Avon right next to the castle!"
( Doctor When May your wife shat and chipper, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:47, Reply)

Stupid Tourist
Asked me:

"If mummy love me why she so cold?"
( The Lurker Plenty One, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:47, Reply)

I was on a train london to leeds
We were travelling through a tunnel as the conductor came around que some foreign girl (God knows where from) asked the conductor if the tube went all the way up to leeds!!
( Big Ian has stopped changing his sig, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:45, Reply)

some dumb american tourist asked me
why Edinburgh castle wasn't built nearer the airport
( prodigy69 broke b3ta and made everyone leave, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:44, Reply)

When visiting a disused mine that had become a museum,
two American tourists asked how long it had taken to construct this amusement and compliments were given about how realistic it all seemed.
( Goldfish_, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:42, Reply)

On a French theme as we hate them today :)
I worked with this Frenchie who used to write every new English word he learnt in a little book (which I found really annoying for some reason!)

I think someone had been foolin with him tho' cos one day he was trying to say he had goose bumps and said "I 'ave zee 'ow you say (looks in book) chicken pox" Twunt.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:41, Reply)

Overheard in dublin:
Two lost overweight North Americans wandering O'Connell Street looking for somewhere on the southside, looking confused.

Wife, on seeing a bunch of chavs sitting up against a bike rail:
"Herb, let's ask those athletes over there."
( WhoElse I'm what Willis was talking about, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:41, Reply)

Here in Oklahoma..
I found it quite humorous actually, but at a gas station I overheard a girl asking her father when they were going to see all of the indians and cowboys chasing each other around.
(studization, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:40, Reply)

A freind of mine, in Sweden
was asked by an American, "Where can I get some of that cheese you guys are famous for?"

My friend points South and says, "About a thousand miles that way, in SWITZERLAND"
( dingochutney *parp*, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:40, Reply)

two American ladies in Victoria Station asked me how to get to Buckminster Palace
.. I just laughed
( Reckless_Rik, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:37, Reply)

some tourists in the lake district
asked me if I knew wordworth (they meant personally) also some tourists to this board just were not dedicated enough to post first.

( Vultan the real one I threw my little yellow shoe, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 16:36, Reply)