Surprise sex!!
Rape is hilarious! ROFL! I'm such a lad!
(McChinaman banned, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 6:42, 8 replies)

I am a slightly ageing actor...
And I was once in an M. Night Shyamalan movie, and at the end I found out I was dead.

It wasn't a surprise for most people who saw the film.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Tue 9 Apr 2013, 0:35, 2 replies)

Just the other day, I learned that certain non-qualified retirement plans for key company employees, such as executives,
that provide benefits above and beyond those covered in other retirement plans, eg NQDC plans, were to increase in value.
That was a SERP rise.
( 4Q just lurking, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 23:16, Reply)

I hate surprises
I really do. It's nothing to do with this I just hate the whole idea of them.
I LOVE planning them for other people as they seem to make them happy but not me, no thanks. I tend to guess what’s happening and ruin it anyway.
It was my birthday, when we were young and carefree. My bf at the time took me to my best mates house for the evening (I knew it was a party before I got there) and I knew I was going to have to act surprised.
She lived with her parents, and her parents, lived in a swanky bungalow.
It was so delightfully mumsy too. It was typical Liverpool over the top, ‘bling’ before bling was a thing. Big white sofas, lots of Lladro, thick cream carpet, sumptuous and looking expensive.
I came through the front door all innocent and into the hall…oh it’s all quiet and dark, we must just be here for dinner with my one friend
We then came into the living room and suddenly OH GOSH SURPRISE 6 of my mates are here and its all my birthday and amazing!
They threw open the patio doors and 2 others are in the back garden…Setting off fireworks!
OH JOY!
They have ROCKETS! IN MILK BOTTLES…
And there they are ….not secured by soil in any way at all.
They spark into life, as I see myself in slow motion going 'Nooooooooooooo'
One goes into space HURRAH!
One falls over
In our direction
Into the house
OH FUuuuuuuuuuuuck..
And oh fuck it was.
That rocket came to say hello, to the perfectly painted walls, to the nice cream sofa, to the carpet OH THE CARPET. Before it faded with a full hearted smokey burning explosive burning fart into firework oblivion. AND EXPLODED all up in your face and their nice perfect smell burn free living room.
We looked at each other, for what felt like months…..Mouths agape….rigid with fear.
Then I started laughing…I couldn’t stop, and in between crying and laughing, managed to squeeze out a giggling ‘hahahasuprhahahhhhise’!!
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 23:00, 6 replies)

A Chinese man sold me some essentials for my camping trip.
Supplies.

Is it time to go home yet?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 22:53, 1 reply)

Is it alright to just do a nice one?
My best mate is a big Back to the Future fan. For his 30th me, his girlfriend and a couple of other mates arranged a surprise for him. All he knew was that after watching Leyton Orient on the saturday there was a plan.

So a few of us are in the beer garden after the game, and after an hour or so we get the barmaid to tell him that his cab's arrived. He's a bit confused, we take him out and a delorean speeds down the road blaring out the BTTF soundtrack. The bloke we hired then gets out, hands Mike a bodywarmer, shirt, braces, the lot.
We bundle mike in the car, and he goes off for a drive round London in a delorean.
We then all get in cabs to central London pronto, where all afternoon his girlfriend and a few others have been decking out the downstairs room of a bar into the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, banners and everything.
We all get changed into fifties gear, and everyone else we've invited turns up all dressed up.
Eventually Mike is dropped off, and there's loads of photos taken in the delorean etc, and is then whisked downstairs, where he sees the room done up and is overwhelmed with it all.
An hour later, three of us who have been practising secretly for weeks popped out the back and grabbed our instruments and took the sheet off the drums and amps, and then play Earth Angel, Power Of Love (with Mike dragged up to sing it) and Johnny be Goode.
We then all get pissed.
One of the best nights I've ever had, and I reckon he enjoyed it. He's a lovely bloke and it's nice how easy it is to get people to put a bit of effort in for someone who is one of the good'uns.
(clinteastwoodbradfield, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 21:16, 13 replies)

He's a cool skateboarder and he's just knocked you over
Coming back from the local disco I often used a skateboard to get home, it was mostly uphill to the disco and going back it was such fun to board it thru the city centre in the early hours. One night I was on my way home and very drunk - you might think it is dangerous to skateboard when hammered but not so - all you do is surf down those hills with carefree abandon, never lost my balance once.
Er...As I was saying, there I was zooming downhill across a wonderful new marble stone surface, thoughtfully prepared by the Council for this very moment when I saw some drunken guy (probably as drunk as me) relieving himself in a doorway. As I approached I began to calculate whether or not I would make it past before he lurched out of the recess. Just as I got near and to the point where it was impossible to stop he did exactly what I feared and blocked my path. I put my hands out and with a mighty shove (I was doing about 10mph) hurled him back into the doorway and kept on boarding down the hill. Naturally I looked back to see him picking himself up and mouthing obscenities but gravity kept me free from harm. My surprise at him getting in the way 2/10. His surprise at being propelled back to the puddle of piss 9/10.
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 17:43, Reply)

something something Star Wars
something something imagine my surprise when it siad 'these aren't the droids we're looking for'!

Needless to say I was very, very drunk.
(Maverickjames 's name is not James, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 16:55, Reply)

This is pushing the theme slightly
but I was suprised recently by my 2-year-old daughter's vocabulary.

"What are you doing, daddy!?"
"I'm trying to park the car".
"Fuckinell".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 16:16, 7 replies)

no funnies here
got a very nasty surprise this morning.
mum phoned me to let me know my brother has just been diagnosed with bowel cancer.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 15:34, 36 replies)

A lady died recently.
I was surprised when people said they were glad.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 8 Apr 2013, 15:31, 9 replies)

Which witch is which?
On visiting the website www.isthatcherdeadyet.co.uk/ our friend was surprised that it didn't inform her on the mortality status of that Cher.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 13:35, 2 replies)

My tall, lanky friend fell asleep on his Unicycle.
Imagine his Happrise when he awoke to find some ex-Norwegian had upholstered his arse!
( Ken Oath, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 12:41, 9 replies)

I was given an award for being a gentleman.
It was quite a Sir Prize.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 9:31, 1 reply)

Clive Barker broke my toe. [Didn't realise it was a bit of a roasted pea!]
Back in the day...
Must be late 90's early Noughties. I had win2000 server (with most of the services turned off) installed on a box with a nice pentium3, 512mb ram, a couple of 10gb drives and a screamer of an nvidia agp card. Swish! This was around when I started dabbling with linux and dual booting. Fucking dual booting!

But I digress.
I'm a bit of a night owl - once I wake up that's it. Because of this I often spend time quietly on the computer early in the morning.
Back then it was to play Clive Barker's Undying. In the dark. With my headphones on. With my wife in the room to the left of me and my infant daughter in the room to the right. I sit there on my big fitball (apparently better for the back than a chair) downloading pr0n and games off a local bbs and dialup.
Now Undying is not a "scary" game but it's got some good sound effects and you can get quite immersed in it. There are a few moments where ghosts suddenly appear. A well as that my missus used to complain that when I left it running with the speakers turned up the sounds would creep her out (it was a loop of ambient noises and the scary monkey things howling).

I'm sitting there headphones on, bouncing around and about 2/3rds of my way through the game at about 0200 one morning when I've inadvertently woken up the missus.
She's creeped into the room without me noticing and has positioned herself behind me watching me play. Slowly and carefully she leaned over behind me, lifted my headphone up and whispered "BOO!" into my ear.
Just as a ghostie suddenly appeared on-screen.

I shouted out loudly, bounced up off the fitball, landed heavily on it - which caused it to pop after which I fell onto my arse heavily on the floor and as Newton's law stipulates as I fell down my foot shot up under my desk, kicked it with a force related to my weight suddenly plummeting thru the space left by the lack of fitball. And broke my right big toe.
I woke up the bub and the missus had to drive us to the local emergency - my right big toe was nearly the size of an orange at this stage and got it looked at.
From then on in that house she always stood in the doorway and announced herself before coming into my computer room.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 8 Apr 2013, 9:19, Reply)

A tall, lanky friend fell asleep with his long, right arm draped behind his head
His arm's blood flow got pinched in the awkward position, and he awoke with an ice-cold hand tenderly grazing his left cheek.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 8:49, Reply)

Cycling emptiness
Was out for a run near the University, it was raining and I was on the pavement. I felt this sudden huge blow and pain to my back on the right, it was a Uni cyclist who had decided that because he wanted to go past he didn't care if I was struck. I was shocked by this, screamed and started to swear violently at him - like really in his face calling him a cunt. Now I am only 142lbs but have beat fuck out of a guy who was around 13st* so I wasn't bothered about this sprat. Its amazing the reaction you get when someone toughs up against you and then you go thru the motions toward physical conflict. Boy did I get some funny looks - don't know who was more surprised.

*Would have posted this in the other weeks 'Fight' Question but missed the deadline
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 18:03, 13 replies)

just now
my brother asked me if i was taking my usual route home. i told him i was.
"don't think so," he replied, "look at this"
he showed me a picture on his facebook feed of the road leading to my house. it's been cordoned off as someone got stabbed half an hour ago.
surprising, but if i'm honest, nowhere near as surprising as you might think.
this place has gone to hell.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 16:56, 2 replies)

Moments of real inspiration
are really surprising. I'm learning the highway code, and found a way to remember the maximum speed restrictions. eg:

motorcycle max. speeds - 50km/h urban, 90 non-primary, 100 primary, 120 motorway

5, 9, 10, 12 = G, D, E, G in ascending notes. Apply thus to all vehicle max speeds (59 in all) and quite a dull but nevertheless memorable tune gets thoroughly earwormed. Put into phone for regular reminders.
(roysin, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 16:03, 19 replies)

DRIVE NAKED
That's the most entertaining bumper sticker to have on your car, especially if you are a guy (so you can drive around topless with no worries) with long hair: so many people speeding up to look.

The most memorable responses were the CIA type car with the guy in dark glasses with a dark suit, shaking his finger at us, and then the stony faced pissed off elderly lady (oops, we traumatized someone). But mostly people drive by laughing, which is arguably as good as having not distracted people in traffic.

[edit: this sticker is my own invention, btw, it will never make me a dime but hey: bragging rights!]
(Smoked Oysters Yes, magick helmet! And I will give you a sample!, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 12:54, 5 replies)

Pearoast of a reply.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 7 Apr 2013, 9:49, 2 replies)

( Zuowan, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 7:17, 20 replies)

Shivers.....
Early one morning after getting dressed for work I felt something in my trouser pocket,thinking it was a bit of paper or fluff I stuck my hand in and pulled out .....A BIG FUCK OFF SPIDER STILL ALIVE,oh god,oh jesus I fucking hate spiders they frighten fuck out of me,its making me
cringe just thinking about it
(andycrass loves two hats on, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 7:05, 11 replies)

One day, when my daughter was still a baby,
I went to change her nappy.
When I undid her baby-gro, a little piece of poo rolled out, so I ate it.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered it was a chocolate raisin!
( 4Q just lurking, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 0:13, 5 replies)

Game over on account of lost child.
Going back a few years now... Around the time that our daughter discovered the joy of hiding behind corners, under covers etc. and suddenly appearing shouting "Happrise!" (as she did).

On a rare day where my, the missus and Little Scrote all have the same weekday off from work/kindy (LS is about 4-5) we decided to head out to one of our less attended op-shops for a "mooch" as the missus likes to put it.
Now when we go shopping like this with the bairn normally she'll be sent down to the toy area with strict instructions that if she's good she may pick a toy and any mess she makes is her's to tidy up. Between the 2 of us parents we make sure that we are always within direct eyeline/ earshot of her.
I'm looking at the books and I see an Iain M. Banks book I don't think I've read before so I reach down and grab it. Score! $2! Nice.
I glance over at the toys. No sprog. I call out her name softly but loudly enough for all of the shop to hear. Nothing. Staying where I am I call across the shop asking the missus if she has seen her - "Nope, she's down at the toys last I saw." Nup.

Parents, you know that feeling you get when something is wrong with your child. Your stomache feels like it's dropping and your heart feels like it's jumping out your mouth, your bowels loosen a little and your 'fight or flight' responses kick in? Yeah, that feeling.

As I'm walking up and down the aisles looking under the racks of clothes my reasoning kicks in. The front door has a chime and no-one's been in or out of it since we arrived so I know she isn't out the front of the shop where there is a busy 4-lane road. The staff area out the back that leads to a shared alleyway has a couple of volunteers working which surely would've noticed a 5 yo. toddling by. By this time the lady at the till has spoken to my missus and is also walking around the shop with us shouting my girls' name and peering into places here and there. I've also spoken to the 2 old biddies out the back - they assure me that there is no way she could wandered past without them seeing.

I head out the back and go up and down the alley checking behind bins calling her name - the shop keepers from the neighbouring shops, a haberdashers on one side and a hardware store on the other come out an inquire as to what's going on. I very quickly weigh up my daughter's knowledge of "Don't talk to strangers" against the fact that she could have somehow got out of the shop and be wandering. So I appraise them of the situation and they then join the search through their shops and out the front and back.
Only 10-15 min. has gone by, but it feels like hours.
By this stage I've done a full circuit of the set of units and been thru 3 shops calling out my daughters name loudly. Several other people have done the same. I can see my wife is close to crying and I'm starting to get that "I've lost all control of this situation - maybe now is when I should panic" feeling. I'm scared, incredibly guilty and completely unsure of what to do next, even writing this now my palms have gone clammy and the hairs on the nape of my neck have prickled. I am literally dialling 112 into my mobile to inform the police when I notice a pile of curtains and linen jiggling in a most un-linen like manner. I rush over and lift it up to find Scrotley sitting there with a plush toy giggling.

"Happrise!" she shouts and jumps up, full of the joy of a child that has successfully hide-and-seeked their parents. I don't think I've ever felt such conflicting emotions - joy and happiness at seeing my daughter safe and well, and annoyance at what she's (inadvertently) put us through. I try desperately hard not to scold her. The missus and I just hold her and craugh (cry/laugh). All of the people from the shops come to check that she's ok - I thank everyone profusely and weather the "Bad parents" looks I get from a couple of them.

The book was "Excession". Not his best but I'll miss him when he's gone.

EDIT: For the childless/humorless/witless out there - often young children bastardise language as they are learning how to speak correctly, hence "happrise" instead of "surprise" and in this case it's not a speech impediment and she appears to have mostly grown out of it. Doesn't stop some words from becoming part of the families lexicon tho.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 7 Apr 2013, 0:11, 8 replies)

Despite repeated dire warnings. I was astounded to discover that the cunt still wouldn't stay about from my bins.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 6 Apr 2013, 22:30, 2 replies)

I think these guys were surprised
When my Pa was a teacher in Bath we (my bro and I) used to have great fun with skinny dippers, my Dad was a head of faculty and taught at a girls school (I used to have the sexiest nubile baby sitters) my bro went to a private boys school (very exclusive) he obtained these massively loud German bangers one night from a friend of German origins....after he noticed some skinny dippers having sex in the girls school pool, he got his friend to crawl around commando style and steal their clothes, knowing that the shortest distance between them and freedom, was the road, which was a long but busy road into town,( for anyone that knows Bath, my bro's school was kingswood but we lived at the Royal School) Anyhow they stole these innocent skinny dippers clothes, then threw lit bangers at them, they shot out the pool crying gunfire,ran through the nettles, and jumped over the wall onto the main road naked, and ran and ran. That must have been quite a shock, I lovethe thought of the young lovers running terrified, excited and appalled down the road, taking desperate measures to cover their dignity. The guy had quite nice clothes apparently, my bro gave them to the sally army. At least it was all for a good cause.
( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Sat 6 Apr 2013, 21:57, 7 replies)

Just brazils?
When I was a toddler, my mother gave me a chocolate covered brazil nut, which if you ask me is rather irresponsible (she has also hidden chicken bones in my mashed potato, I think she wants me dead). Anyway, I don't remember anything about this, but apparently I grabbed it and went on my merry way. About 20 minutes later my mother was vacuuming the living room when she saw the brazil nut lying on the carpet. She had a quick look around to see if anyone was watching before she ate food off the floor like a hobo. The coast was clear, so she picked it up and quickly threw the sweetie into her salivating gob.

It was a piece of shit that had fallen out of my nappy.
(hmsmajesty, Sat 6 Apr 2013, 19:32, 8 replies)

I was fucking this sofa in Norway, when this bloke walked into my ex-arse.
The look on his face!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 6 Apr 2013, 14:48, 6 replies)

Something something Pearl Harbour.
Something about "supplies".
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 6 Apr 2013, 12:43, 3 replies)