Sandwiches
made the mistake of telling a friend that I was so hungry I'd anything he'd put in a sandwich. So he made a cat food, tabasco and pickled gherkin sandwich.

I took a bite. Spat it out. Learnt a lesson.
( Kroney, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:21, Reply)

Boring Student Story Alert
I had a drinks cooler in my hall room, being unable to find a fridge, which made a reasonable replacement for certain items: dairy would have been a bit dangerous, but mushrooms/tomatoes/etc were ok.

Boyfriend started putting drinks in there for when he'd stay in my room and forget where his room was. Coke seemed to be ok, so was squash. We eventually progressed onto fruit juice.

Fast forward to one very very hot Easter day (Global warming+an incubator of a room). Boyfriend takes a big swig of apple juice from the carton.

Yay. Mouthful of mould. Vomit ensues.

He now listens to me when I say "um, I don't think that's the best idea...". No I lie. He doesn't. But it makes me feel better to think that.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:18, Reply)

Badger badger badger, mushroom mushroom!
This is one of the most horrible stories I have ever heard. It features, as you can guess, Students and Badgers and was related to me by my mate, Rory, (names haven't been altered to protect the guilty).

Anyway, Rory was at uni with a bunch of agricultural students, basically young farmers.
They indulged in the usual students antics involving dressing up as women and stealing turkeys at night from local farms.

One evening, they were walking back from the local when they saw a dead badger at the side of the road. Seeing the opportunity to raise his hardness rating, Beardy, for that was his name, picked up said badger and carried it back to their digs announcing that he would eat it.

Once back at home, Beardy skinned the badger which had lain for probably all day at the least by a road in the sun and then cut off the "choiciest" bits and proceded to fry them with plenty of sauce. Rory said that the smell as he was skinning it was bad enough but when the meat began to cook it became unbearable. Still, fuelled by alcohol and testosterone, Beardy managed to eat a large portion of the badger before dumping the rest of the carcass in the bins behind the flats and settling down for a good nights X-boxing.

Morning broke and with it came the sounds of a rather unwell Beardy evacuating himself with rather more gusto than usual. He continued in this way most of the morning with a raging fever and almost hollow inside. He decided to try to replenish his fluids with beer which didn't have the desired effect. By now the flat reeked of dead badger from the night before as the washing up hadn't been done and now the smell of digested badger vomit and his colon.

Two days later and Beardy was now shitting blood in copious amounts and admitted defeat and called the doctor. Doctor immediately diagnoses acute food poisinong and asks what he had eaten. "Dead badger" replies Beardy and explains what had happened.

The Doctor then places Beardy in hospital whereupon he is stuck full of more needles than a voodoo doll and interviewed and tested by a Contagious Diseases team.

It took two weeks for Beardy to get back to "normal" and he swears that his days of eating dead animals found by the sides of the roads are over.

Length? 2 feet long and a foot wide before it went in.
(71 hour Ahmed wasn't working at, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:15, Reply)

I had a Wimpy burger from a service station once
...






never again
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 17 May 2007, 13:09, Reply)

Motorway Services food
I have been known to pay about £6 for a plate of orange, salty, lumpy, stinking vomit pretending to be chicken pie at the services. And then even though it was the last money I had in the world prefer to stare revoltedly at it than return it because the staff themselves were even more snotty than the food.
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:59, Reply)

My grans stew.....
.......contained that horrible fatty, sinewy shin beef that had to be chewed about 50 times to reduce its bulk by about a quarter let alone be ready to swallow.

A few helpings of that stuff an you end up with a jaw like David Coulthard.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:54, Reply)

Not so much eating...
When I was a nipper, I was a tad poorly one day, and stayed home from school. Surprisingly though, I hadn't lost my appetite, so I whipped myself up a couple of slices of marmite on toast (controversial, I know). Anyway, having polished these off, I was still feeling a bit peckish, so I raid the fridge. What's this I spy? The remains of last night's tiramisu. Well, as it turns out, I was more poorly than I originally realised. Cue my emptying half the contents of my stomach orally. Now, you'd think the half I emptied would be just the tiramisu right? Wrong. Time had allowed the tiramisu and the marmite to mix together in my tummy, but not to really digest. The result? A combination of marmite and tiramisu passing the wrong way through my mouth, with a tinge of stomach acid too. Needless to say, even though these two complement each other aesthetically, taste-wise, it's a different story. The remnants in my mouth from the previous chundering caused me such revulsion that I expelled the rest of my improvised lunch as well.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:51, Reply)

Loose weight the bloody vomit way
Souse! Pickled pig trotters and hens feet. Chewy, fatty skin & toenails with a strong overtone of sulfurous bacterial infection, lovingly ladled from a plastic bucket kept under the bar. Shows up the lie in “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” and no mistakin’

I can’t imagine why this delicacy has remained resolutely local and there aren’t branches of Souse Bucket in every high street.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 17 May 2007, 12:43, Reply)

George's Marvellous Medicine...
I'm sure everyone here has done it at some point in their childhood...

Myself and a mate decided to ransack the cupboards while the parentals were out, chucking whatever we could find into a glass... Mustard, tomato sauce, milk, cocoa powder, paprika, olive oil, ground cumin, one crushed Walkers salt'n'vinegar crisp, a bit of sardine, gin, breakfast cereal, vinegar....

Those are the ones I can remember, there was lots more. We then took it out into the garden, tried to set light to it (and failed for obvious reasons) then both tried a little bit...

Don't. Just don't.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 17 May 2007, 12:42, Reply)

I Was away on a biz trip and I was taken out by the local staff
to a restauarnt of 'their' culture. Thing is I was in Moscow at the time, but the staff in the local office were korean. Hence we were at a korean restaurant. The menu was in korean or russian, and I couldnt read it. so I asked them to order something nice for me.
I was presented with a bowl of soup. there were bits of meat in it, they were "tube-like" in appearance, and I was unsure what part of the animal it came from. I didnt even know what animal it came from. By the time I had finished eating my food, I worked out that the tube thing was the intestine. As for the animal, I wasnt really sure, it could have been cow, for example, but this soup is really popular in Korea
( turb0t, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:37, Reply)

Very skint once.
Cupboard Ingredients:

- Fusilli Pasta
- Tinned plum tomatoes
- Tinned hotdog sausages

Result:

Will never cook Pasta, tomatoes and hotdog sausages ever again!.... EVER!

With the slight acidity of the tomatoes and the saltiness of the hotdogs, it actually tasted of piss!
(A Hospital Carpark, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:32, Reply)

Milk
A friend of mine whent to oz for 18 months a few years age and while he was gone his housemates kept a half pint of milk he'd left behind on the radiator in his room. Needless to say when he got back it wasn't the best welcome home cup of tea he'd ever had???
(accsme cheese, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:25, Reply)

Pizza and Polystyrene
It wasn't until half way through eating the pizza and wondering why it felt chewy and springy that I realised I'd cooked it with the polystyrene base still attached.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:23, Reply)

Vipros, I agree
Hershey bars taste like they've been made of puke.

And I'm a chocaholic.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:22, Reply)

Old fruit
My old office mate used to eat a lot of fruit. His desk was piled with apples and oranges. Anyway, when he got married he went off on honeymoon for a fortnight, whereupon I discovered an apple and orange on the floor, both of which had suffered some trauma due to being bashed by chairs etc.

So I put them in sealed boxes and kept them to observe the decomposition process. Quite fascinating, in a morbid sort of way.

Don't suppose this really counts for this QotW though, as I haven't eaten them. I don't think it would be a good idea now, as they're about 7 years old and have various colours of fungi growing on them!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:21, Reply)

American Chocolate
I recall my ex had been banging on about some, and got some brought back from the USA by someone who had been holidaying there

I believe it was a Hershey bar or something.

It was the most repugnant filth ever to have passed my lips. there should be some kind of ban on calling it chocolate.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:17, Reply)

monsieur lecroix
my brother has a house in france and the neighbours think it's very exotic to have english people there. they love him and his wife.

whenever they go over there, monsieur lecroix (more like monsieur le cliche, with his stripey top, beret and stinking cigs) turns up daily with little french gifts. some of them are fab, like awesome cheeses or wines.

some of them are not.

last time we went, my younger brother opened his suitcase when we got home, and we all recoiled at the smell. my older brother had slipped mr lecroix's last gift in there when he wasn't looking.... home-canned "headcheese".

isn't this the skin off the face of the pig? anyway, whatever it is, it can stink right through METAL, that's pretty impressive shit.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:15, Reply)

Oh the memories...
...when i was 16, as a stroke of pure luck (parents splitting up and fucking off in opposite directions, leaving there 20 something kids to fend for themselves), my mate ended up with his own rent free house.

As you can imagine, faster than immigrants into the back of an Eddie Stobbart truck, I and a few others had moved in and set up PC's.

One of the Lads, due to being the smallest and lest prone to violence, drew cooking duty, and seemed to relish in it.

Within the house, we had a standing rule that we ate nothing that he had actually touched, this being due to his less than exemplary personal hygene, and personal love of mining snot nuggets from knuckle deep in his face.

One day, my 12 year old brother came to visit us, and accepted when offered some recently cooked, home made 'cheesy bread', and happily scoffed away (being a fat fuck back then) while complimenting said mate on his cooking prowess.

Now admittedly, at the time, the cook's hands and nails, in stark contrast to the rest of him, were clean, however, as my mate took great pleasure in telling my bro, this was down to hsi kneading bread dough all morning rather than being anywhere near soap.

My brother felt ill for days.

No apologies for length, he ate the fucking lot!
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:13, Reply)

I'm a uni student, so my diet mainly consists of bread, dipped in anything wetter than bread.
However, at one point I did decide to try some new culinary tactics. Super Noodles, Tuna and Bacon Crisps.

Never again.
( __, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:12, Reply)

Strange Tin
i got given a food pack from my gran one xmas to take back to uni.

Inside was all the normal shite but an extra foreign tin lurking. Lidl and aldi were real new at the time and this may have been a special.

It was a tin of brussell sprouts, with bacon bits in sunflower oil.

I opened them after a year or so - and couldn't actually chew one as my mind simply said no. Slippery greasy sprouts in oil. Mmmm.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 17 May 2007, 12:10, Reply)

Foreign muck
Singing at a beer festival in Germany the only food available was a sausage of minced raw pork, almost entirely fat. I can eat most things, but that was foul. In Singapore I had some Sea Cucumber, thinking it was some kind of veg. It is sea slug (barf!) and the best description I can think of is congealed snot.
Truly the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:06, Reply)

at uni
ran out of money.

stale bread with salt and herbs poured on top.

thought "fuck that", put on a low cut top, got dinner bought for me. much better!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:04, Reply)

Cats are fantastic.. but pizza
Back when I could still eat dairy stuff and made pizza, I did so with a scone base.

Of course not thinking, I made the scone base with sugar. It was a bit different, certainly.. (but at least I left out the sultanas)
(EssY, Thu 17 May 2007, 12:03, Reply)

Anything French
Horse burgers, fois gras, stuff made from entrails and anuses and covered in creamy sauce.They can fuck off and all.Wankers
Greeks rule.
(crapmonkey, Thu 17 May 2007, 11:59, Reply)

Mixing It Up
My cousin had recently moved out of her parents house and invited the entire family over so she could cook for them and show off her new place. During the tour of the kitchen she was very proud of her brand new magimix food processery thingy which she said she'd used for the first time to make the dessert and it was the best thing she'd ever bought. Fast forward to said dessert; starter and main course had been great and much alcohol had been imbibed. With a 'tadaaaaah' she brings out a drool-inducing looking chocolate cake and cuts me a massive slice. I'm happily chowing down, talking with my mouth full when I notice my cousin take a bite with an odd crunching noise. Her face drops at exactly the same time as my Dad starts coughing.

After a few seconds we realise something is wrong as he's stood up, choking and trying to gasp for air. My uncle rushes round and gives him a couple of good heimlichs whereupon he spits out a large chunk of plastic. A very similar chunk to the one my cousin has just extracted from her mouth. As my Dad regains his breath and everyone tries to calm down my cousin bursts into tears. Between sobs she shares the realisation that her brand spanking new food mixer had plastic covers over the blades for safety which she'd forgot to remove. Rather than just making it shite at blending, as you'd presume, it was so powerful it blended them into the cake too. Yummy!

Everyone politely pushes their plates away and claims to be full anyway. At the sound of fork on crockery, everyone turns round at looks at me and my half finished slice of cake. In my drunken state I just shrug and eat another forkful before someone takes it off me. It tasted okay but it was a bugger coming out I can tell you.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 17 May 2007, 11:48, Reply)

One word -
Olives!
(Glen Moranjie, Thu 17 May 2007, 11:45, Reply)

one time in chile
after an incredibly long, hot, extremely hungover day of hiking and climbing me and my friend found ourselves at a random summit on top of a mountain that was effectively a desert. Cactus and sand everywhere. We had run out of water about half way up and were preparing to spend a very drymouthed night of camping.
Starving, we opened our bag of rations (which we had purchased in a hurry because we wanted to go get shitfaced) only to find:
salty bread
salted ham
tuna in brine
salted peanuts.

we decided to go hungry.

the next morning I was so thirsty I opened the tuna and drank the brine. ugh.
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Thu 17 May 2007, 11:45, Reply)

Sprouts.
they can fuck off
( Signify, Thu 17 May 2007, 11:42, Reply)

marmite
how do you people eat that stuff?
(HalfwayHebrew, Thu 17 May 2007, 11:38, Reply)

Couldn't Stomach It
Holidaying in France when I was a young'un we went into a lovely restaurant and tried to decipher the menu with my mother's very basic French. Everything kinda sounded a bit disgusting, especially to us chicken nugget favouring kids. Our last hope resided with the one thing on the menu my mother couldn't translate. She called over the waitress and in the universal language of mime (pointing to the item on the menu and going 'huh?') she enquired as to what it was. The waitress tried unsuccessfully to think of the english word and then, with a shrug, rubbed her stomach and went 'Mmmmmmmm!'. That was good enough for us, we'll have four of those please.

So they arrive a few minutes later and bugger me if they aren't lovely looking sausages! I'm just about to tuck in when my mother tells us to wait and takes a big bite of hers. She chews inquisitively for a moment and then turns a lovely shade of green before wretching the offending mouthful into her hanky. When she recovers she wraps all the sausages from our plates in napkins and hides them in her handbag and instructs us to just eat the salad.

Yes, when the waitress rubbed her stomach she wasn't trying to tell us they were tasty, she was trying to tell us they were made from offal. Yummy! What eight year old can get enough tripe? We quickly finished the salads and legged it to the nearest McDonald's where my mum had four coffees to take the taste from her mouth.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 17 May 2007, 11:30, Reply)