3 of his 5 a day
A few years ago i had people over to my house after the pub for a late-nighter. We were all pretty pissed and a conversation (somehow!?) arose about how some people eat the core of apples and don't throw anything away.

There was an apple in the fruit bowl and one of my mates proceeded to eat the whole thing. He was then dared to do the same with a banana... and he promptly ate it, skin and all!

But that wasn't good enough for us, out came a huge white onion! He ate it in about 5 mouthfuls!! In the morning he absolutely stunk - he had onion sweat seeping out his pores.
( skullface, Fri 18 May 2007, 14:02, Reply)

Not really terrible food...
...but when I was living in Wigan for awhile, I noticed signs in the local pie boutiques* advertising such delights as butter pies, doner pies and even chip pies. I mean, chips - in a pie - it's either genius or insanity, I can't decide which.

So, not really terrible food as I said, just an indication of how much Wigan folk love dem pies. Weebl & Bob are mere enthusiasts by comparison.

* Of which there were/are many - in Pemberton alone, the Wigan 'burb where I worked at the time, the high street was some 400 yards long and had seven - fucking SEVEN - pie shops on it, each of which did a roaring trade every day.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 18 May 2007, 13:58, Reply)

Jason Peake, Master Chef.
..we were 13, in a cookery class at School, making shortbread. Aforementioned Master Chef forgot to add the ingredient of Sugar, only discovered after sampling his offering. He had in fact managed to make pastry.
(mcnelson, Fri 18 May 2007, 13:36, Reply)

my university friend
who i'll not name to save her blushes was responsible for the following atrocities of gastromony. 1. Spaghetti and yellow curry sauce with sausages that looked awful and tasted worse. 2. Oven chips from frozen under the grill til one side burnt the other side still frozen. However in her defence on eating them "well halfs frozen & halfs burnt so statistically speaking their cooked"
( Lynxkitten, Fri 18 May 2007, 13:32, Reply)

Woof Woof!
This delightful tale took place back in the hazy days of my fast vanishing youth; when I was around 12 years old.

I had been invited round my "friends" house for dinner (and to be beaten up by his older brother). He had always been a bit odd but as he had been round mine for dinner it was only polite to accept.

I can't be arsed to flesh this out so I'll get to the point.

Dinner, was Spaghetti Bolognese. Made with dog food instead of mince.

It was not nice. I was brought up to be polite and make sure I eat everything on my plate. I did. The End.
(badger of doom http://www.trendingtracks.co.uk, Fri 18 May 2007, 13:29, Reply)

thatblokeoverthere
I used to like bread toasted on one side, butter and chocolate sauce spread on the other, lovely!

Coffee? yuk can't drink the stuff, horrible horrible horrible
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 18 May 2007, 13:26, Reply)

Morrocan Death Slop.
Nuff said:

www.b3ta.com/board/5158941
( PMGT -Bacon., Fri 18 May 2007, 13:15, Reply)

Salads
As a fat cunt, I am known for my salad dodging ways. Ok I'll eat a salad occasionally, but in general I like food that has been cooked. My brother had occasion to make potato salad for a BBQ at his house. Upon tasting, it led to much yipping from me and his other guests as it was the most garlic ridden filth known to man. When questioned as to how much garlic he put in it, he said only one clove. I thought this odd as it was so breath-destroyingly garlicy, so I asked him to show me what a clove of garlic looked like. He showed me an entire garlic bulb. Cock.

Second one was my dad, who made a green salad but with green chili peppers in it. He thought they were normal green peppers. My arse bled.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Fri 18 May 2007, 13:11, Reply)

Here's a tasty Staffordshire delicacy.
My brother went to a workmate's house for tea after work one day. They were having 'chicks and chips'.

Bro found that the 'chicks' were like little battered sausages, except that they were tougher than the chicken he'd somehow expected them to be made of.

Turns out they were actually short lengths of pig intestine. Yup, really.

He was told this as he was still eating, and reckons it was the longest meal of his life.

This was partly because the chicks had the consistency of tyre rubber and needed quite excessive chewing, and partly because his throat thought 'Pig intestine? Feck off!' and wouldn't swallow them without a fight.

What he SHOULD have done was take his dog, and feed the crap to him under the table.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:49, Reply)

Sandwiches
On exercise with Royal Signals, myself and a couple of the others in my section took to eating every meal as sandwiches. This was for a number of reasons, first if we were busy, we could still get in the mess tent and take something out, second, it saved on washing mess tins. It wasn't unusal to have, bacon, egg and baked bean sandwiches or steak and kidney pudding sandwiches.

On one occasion, the 'chef' (one of Andy Capp's Commandos or the fortunately defunct Army Catering Corps) was making do with what was left after an exhausting communications exercise. The meal consisted of every tin of food that was best eaten cold, opened and put onto trays.

As was our tradition, we grabbed whatever we could and put it between two slices of bread.

Some of the results were better than others.

Pilchard and cheese processed - nice
Strawberry jam and fruit cake - nice
Cheese posessed and fruit cake - ok, sort of.

The worst was one made when almost all the food had run out, I just grabbed whatever I could get hold of, in this case pilchards and marmalade. Yummy, a taste explosion.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:48, Reply)

Recipe with a hint of garlic
I saw several fellow guests reel in shock when celebrity TV drunk chef cooked this on Saturday Cooks. Roast chicken with a kilo of garlic. Not for the faint hearted, nor Dracula's girlfriend for that matter.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:47, Reply)

Farm Foods - Eye Opener
The above mentioned shop sell a delightful delicacy called....

...LASAGNE PIE

Two for £1.49

Eat it with cheesey chips, instant coronary!
(Jugular, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:47, Reply)

University halls food
..is the worst. Worse than school dinners.

The piece de resistance was "cheeseburger". Picture a flame-grilled quarter-pound of prime minced beef topped with a delicious slice of tasty cheese, lovingly topped with crispy salad and tangy sauce, served on a freshly baked bun...

Now forget that and think about a pasty-grey lump of anonymous meat-style protein, with a blob of "I can't believe they have the gall to call it cheese" sealed inside (yes, inside the "burger"). Think 'pus' and you're close, only it tasted worse. Serve by wafting it somewhere in the vague vicinity of a lukewarm grill and slapping it on a plate next to some soggy chips.

And then there was the notorious "you did cook the Chicken Kiev properly before serving it, didn't you?" incident, where they managed to give 60+ people food poisoning in one fell swoop.

Happy, happy days.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:44, Reply)

Kit-Kat sandwiches
Yes, to this day, i still eat and enjoy them.

Glory be.
(shutyoureyesandyoullburstintoflames, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:36, Reply)

Cornflake surprise
When I were a lad ...... we used to have water on our breakfast cereal when we ran out of milk. Which was regularly.

Live in t'lake ? We used to dream about livin' in t'lake !
( Ramsay Tupper, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:31, Reply)

My Brother...
...as a kid used to ask for toast, but only done on one side, and the un-done side buttered. Then he would dunk it in coffee before eating it.

Dirty
'Orrible
Mingin'
Bastard
:/
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:27, Reply)

If you're in a pub which serves food and
has those condiment packets, its best to get shit faced and play 'condiment roulette'. Basically when its your turn, close your eyes and pick any packet at random, and then squeeze the entire contents in your mouth and swallow. I can say that mayonaise on its own is utterly revolting, but mustard is also eye watering and can lead to copious vomiting.
Actually, no its best you dont.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:24, Reply)

Mozchops here just reminded me...
...he's not wrong there, but then most of you won't be surprised at me agreeing on that score :)

Worse still, one girlfriend suggested we tried honey one time to add a little je ne sais quoi. Bad, BAD idea. The thought of it made me retch for years and my fairly short relationship with the young lady in question was probably a lot shorter than it could have been because of it.

I've never been near honey since, though I did try pussy a few more times before giving it up entirely in favour of teh cock :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:24, Reply)

Worst Taste
Pussy.

Muff said.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:20, Reply)

When I was poorer
my diet consisted of a bowl of smash, with a fine layer of marmite across the top followed by a layer of crunchy peanut butter and stuck under the grill with grated cheese on top until cheese bubbled. I quite liked it. Also, when really hungry and quite skint I would eat the little chunks of unwatered smash to fill me up. I was at 6th form and living in a shared house on income support at the time.
( 99redbuffoons Reversed the polarity of the neutron flow at, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:19, Reply)

Salty licorice
While I was at uni I knew a couple of swedish fellows who brought over this foul stuff from home.

at first glance you think "hmm, licorice covered in lovely sugar, that can't be too bad"

then you put a piece in your mouth to find that instead of sugar it is salt....

they would devour this crap by the bagful. bleurgh.

got my own back by getting them to try marmite (I love it, they didn't) and by fashioning a "cola" flavoured ice pop out of some coke, an empty ice pop tube, a deep freezer, and a good quantity of vinegar.

marcus wasn't best pleased, especially as he was on a come down
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:16, Reply)

Snickers Pie?...
...OMFG I want one :D
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:11, Reply)

Working in Caen in France
Me and my mate went to the hotel restraunt and tried to order some food with our frankly shite grasp of the language. Bein veggie i spotted omlette on the menu. My mate wanted a steak and tried to explain this to the waitress by saying steak 7 or 8 times and waving his hands in the air. She pointed to something on the menu and he said fine. Anyway, when his meal came it was indeed steak, with a small piece of toast on and on top of that what looked like a mushroom stalk. He sliced into that and put it in his mouth. Now the look on his face was priceless, he began to gag and swallowed half his beer. He said it was the worst thing he had ever tasted. The next day we had to get my french mate to translate the menu. Turns out it was marabone. I did point out to him that in the uk it is only available in dog food. Eat fuckin anything the french.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:09, Reply)

Haute Cuisine
I believe that Antony Worrall Thompson had a poncey restaurant in London in the early 80s that sold only starters and desserts. Probably to dickhead yuppies who didn't know any better.

This from the man who gave the world his recipe for a Snickers pie!

*Edit* According to Wikipedia:

Worrall Thompson's recipe for Snickers Pie was nominated by independent food watchdog The Food Commission as one of the most unhealthy dessert recipes ever. Consisting of five Snickers bars, puff pastry, mascarpone, soft cheese, sugar and eggs, a single slice has been estimated to contain 1,250 calories. Although this was widely reported in the British media, the BBC still hosts the recipe on its website, albeit with a health warning.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:08, Reply)

He liked it raw.....
I have a colleague/aquaintance who proudly boasted one day that as a schoolboy he would devour packets of back bacon on the way home from school. Not peculiar in the slightest you may argue but RAW!?! WTF?!?! RAW fecking bacon? Now I like a bit of the piggie like any subnormal and I'm no gastroentrologist (sic)but wouldn't this give birth to the biggest tapeworm on the planet?

Length: after raw bacon about 8 metres! Euugh!!!
(noelyboy, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:08, Reply)

Oh I know many strange folks who eat many a strange thing
My best mate eats baked bean pizzas topped off with Mayo

Mr Spam likes Cheese and christmas cake (I know this is a common northern thing and even though I am a northerner its just fucking wrong)

Now me, I like to add Soy Sauce to so many things, I love supernoodles with chopped chillies and soysauce added whilst cooking (not after), I am also really picky about my brand of sauce, it has to be Sharwoods or Kikkoman.

I know of someone but can't remember who it was that loves to eat those chicago town microwave pizza's between a couple of slices of bread.

My Cousin ate monkey brains somewhere in the far east.

And my sister was once caught eating her own poo.

Length? I don't know she's much older than me so I wasn't born when it happened.
( Mrs.Sp@m, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:06, Reply)

Back at Uni
I got intruduced to proper curry, and not so long after started to make my own with highly edible results. Until I tried to make Bombay potato.

The recipe called for 4 fresh read chillis.
There were the only thing I couldn't find in Tesco, so when I got back I looked in my cupboard and found the small dried red chillis I bought from the wizened old indian store keeper a few weeks before.
Seeing there were a lot smaller than the fresh chillis, I decided to use twice as many..

The result was akin to eating fresh lava, resulting in downing a pint of milk after my first mouthful
( Weetobix, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:05, Reply)

Haute cuisine...
...or as I've heard it described, 'art on a plate'. Beautiful to look at, but utterly pointless if what you're looking for is actual sustenance as opposed to wishy-washy, airy-fairy, overpriced poncified shite. If you want to give the impession of having eaten something when you've actually eaten next-to-fuck-all, then it's perfect for you. Sadly though, I rarely do. I'd rather just eat something when I'm hungry rather than pretending to for three times the bastarding price.

Give me a good old fashioned meat 'n' tater pie anyday ;)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 18 May 2007, 12:02, Reply)

Another story of chips
I work at a university, as you may know if you've read some of my previous posts. I am therefore in an environment which is full of intelligent people, who sometimes lack common sense and certain skills necessary for living life in general (and I admit I include myself in this category!)

Anyway, a friend of mine, a Chinese bloke called Fan, came to see our technician Grant one day, with a piece of charred plastic in his hand. Fan's a great bloke, and one of the brightest people I know. But here's where the common sense thing comes in.

The conversation went thusly:

G - Hi Fan. What's up?
F - My wife's away just now and I was making chips for my son's breakfast.
G - Chips for breakfast?
F - Yes, he likes chips. Anyway, I was frying them and the chip pan went on fire.
G - Oh dear. What did you do?
F - I got a bucket of water....
G - Jeez - that's the last thing you should do with a chip pan fire. It can make it much worse.
F - No, it's OK, it put the fire out. But the fuse box blew out off the wall.

The piece of charred plastic was the fuse holder. Silly bugger had shorted out his electric cooker, and then hoped Grant could fix it for him. Lucky he didn't burn the place down and kill himself in the process.

It was not recorded what his wife said/did when she got back from her trip!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 18 May 2007, 11:53, Reply)

.
pot noodles are shit, but i cant stop eating them when hungover.
(suboftheday, Fri 18 May 2007, 11:50, Reply)